Hit and Miss.

Six kids. SIX. 6. I am mother to them all, oldest 19 years 10 months, youngest 22 months 3 weeks. Have you ANY idea what a huge and daunting thing this is? I honestly don't think I did til I had 6 children. ( God's sense of humour creeping in agan I shouldn't wonder) I think I didn't give too much thought to how much I would spend on shoes for six children, call me Mrs Bargain finder of the year, if there is a splendid bargain to be had, I'll sniff it out and snap it up, the result is 6 children who pretty much do and have always looked fantabulous, not always clean but snappily and rather fancily dressed at all times.
Also call me Mrs feed 'em and not weep. I can make a culinary delight with a larder that looks like Mother Hubbard was responsible for the supermarket run. Great food ( ever heard the saying 'never trust a skinny cook? well, eat your heart out baby, I'll even make a gravy to go with it!) Never a moment's thought about feeding or clothing my children.
I scoffed at conversations I heard or read about family planning, had a few bashes at birth control but never really understood the need for lists, plans and savings accounts.
July 26th 2003, 45 minutes of labour, 12 minutes of pushing and low and behold there was my sixth baby....the most divine dark haired, brown eyed, dark skinned boy. I was immediately smitten and recognised him. I loved this boy, not for a second did I have to get to know him, meeting him and seeing him was like welcoming a dear friend I had been waiting for my whole life.

I knew that now Elijah was here my heart was full, there wasn't even a sliver of space that would need filling.

When I imagined having a family I almost pictured it all, all those things I hoped for in being a mother, some monumental like the bond I imagined ( ha! as if, nothing will ever explain that feeling until you have it) to ridiculous things like a desperate and probably irrational need for a baby that sucked it's thumb. When Eli arrived he completed every thing I imagined or dreamed of ( he even sucks his thumb and even after 22 months my heart somersaults every time I see it)
Between these six people that I have given birth too there isn't one dream left unrealised.

OH MY GOODNESS WHAT DID I DO?????

How will I ever be all I need to be for these people? What do they need? ( I know what they DON'T need ) They all need such different things and what if I get it wrong?

I am 100 positive that I didn't understand that this whole mothering thing would be so HUGE. I know I hadn't a clue that it would be so huge for so long! I think my naive head imagined a sweet baby, cute clothes, funny moments and suddenly a grown up person who would adore me and send me mothers' day gifts from their own home with their own money and write messages about how perfectly I had raised them.

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! Dear Lord help me.

How is my brain coping with the overload of realisations pumelling their way through it? I know MY mum is completely wise and so right. I have no qualms or worries that should I ask her advice she will get it right, know what to say, know what to do.

You can SO wing it with a toddler, bluff, make it up, make it better. That stops when they get bigger. ( you can enter any swear word you like right here...whichever one you choose will pretty much work)

I am supposed to know everything, truly EVERYTHING. I am meant to be able to say, do, know exactly the right thing. I don't, I am forgetting the things I thought I knew as each day passes. I can actually SEE the look on my big kids' faces, I can HEAR the sound in their voices telling me that they trust me and they know I can help. I must have been really, really good at winging it this far because somehow these young adults look at me the way I looked at MY mum, only she honestly does know it.

The good thing is, they don't seem to grow out of wanting to show you their world, of needing to show you what they do. It's SO great to see your child grow and still know that you matter, that they want you there.
Dan works in a great restaurant, he is relief manager and head waiter in a posh place about 200 miles away. He has booked a table for us there on my birthday. Not a place to take little boys who make noise and mess and who appear to be unable to eat sitting down with cutlery and plates. Just me, H and Dan are having dinner. I hope I can stop myself cutting H's food up for him or spit washing Dan's face half way through dinner. I hope H can resist the urge to sneak a 6 inch pile of napkins into his pocket incase my nose runs on the wya home. It's too long since I had a grown up date to look forward to!

Will I ever be able to relax again do you think?

Most of my friends have children that have grown up already, no second batch of babies for them, they are now official members of the new conservatory and foreign holidays for 2 brigade.
H and I will be in our 60's when the boys are in their 20's. We will go from raising children to nursing home in one fell swoop, from wiping dribble off their chins to dribbling dribble down our own.
I like to think that inconti-pads will never be a part of my life, I hate to mention my pelvic floor too often but it IS a bit remarkable. I can't promise control of gas emmissions though, we're on shaky ground there already, Ugh... I remember working in the hospital with so many old ladies and being impressed with their apparant indifference to the fact that they farted with every other frame assisted step, now I realise it was actually a case of living with what you have. I can, unfortunately, imagine myself in the future pop pop popping and pardon me-ing my way through life as if I hadn't a care in the world. Why, just the other day whilst in my beloved garden, I bent down to pick up a plant pot, stepped back a bit and stumbled, with every staggering step I let rip a parp or two, nothing I could have done to hold that in, have you tried clenching your buttocks and staggering backwards down a rockery? Can't be done. Not at 42 after 6 kids anyway. How long til a gentle step up is enough to make me lose my dignity?

OH MY GOODNESS WHAT DID I DO?


oh, yeah.....that's what I did!