Mindless humming.

HUGELY underated. I can't tell you how mindless humming has taken me through some situations where gratuitous violence would be the other choice. I must stress that it can't be the humming of any known tune, simply hmmm hm hmmmmmm hm hm hm hm HMMHMMMMMMMMM HM HM HM HM HMMMMMM loudly, in order to drown out the noise of the moment, usually some blasted child hell bent on reminding me that not one military organisation has yet found the secret that kids have the ideal torture, guaranteed to crack the hardest enemy. I swear 15 minutes of Sophie 'making me understand' would have Saddam Hussein spilling any beans there might be to be spilt and if there weren't any, I know without doubt he would make some up, anything to just get her to shut the hell UP!
20 minutes with a 4 year old whining about something that isn't going to change,would have had Hitler surrendering immediately.
You can of course make up your own words to the tuneless sanity saver, however, on no account may they be sung aloud, humming with mentally thought words ( singing them outloud might cause your immediate incarceration, as if like my words, they have acts of violence as the main theme, albeit usually a plea for me not to follow through.
For example "Please make her shut her trap, before I break and give her a slap" or " Dear Lord please hear my ernest prayer or I might just rip out her hair" you see? not very appealing said aloud but incredibly satisfying when thought, as somehow it really does stop you acting it out whilst at the same time feeling you have vented your wrath)
When calm and pondering these moments of dire weakness and red hazed rage, I am utterly astonished that I can be brought to such a point by such trivia. Today I hummed til my ear drums rattled because Sophie was relentless in her endeavours to make me snap, she locked me out of the front room, yelled at me to get out of her face, told me not to speak to her ( which written down seems almost polite but when accompanied by that hideous Jerry Springer'ish head waggling and showing me the palm of her hand is anything BUT polite.) The cause of this behaviour? being told that having been so disruptive and unhelpful when asked to do one simple chore I didn't see any reason why she should be allowed computer time. I was then evil enough to simply turn the thing off despite the fact that it disconnected her from downloading yet more music that I will tell her she can't listen to ( pardon me for feeling that music yelling at me about mother f****** something or others isn't the sort of music I want in my home)
Ok, so, perhaps playing the Wurzels " Blackbird song" on continuous play to the delight of all three little boys who dance, jig and clap until they get the chance to yell " AWIGHT" when asked " Ow's ye father?" was rubbing salt in her wounds somewhat, but it saved me having to mindlessly hum, nothing like bellowing along to "Where be that blackbird to?" and then proclaiming that "Jiggered if I don't get 'un" ( should be 'buggered' actually but for heaven's sake I'm singing with under 5's here, so, Jiggered it is in our house) and then "with a gert big stick I'll knock 'un down" I can ( if I choose) replace the blackbird with an imagined figure all of my own and Bob's your uncle, I no longer want to beat the very beejeebers out of the one and only girl child that sprang from my loins.


Ahhhh my childhas arrived home, safe in the bosom of her family again, I'm off to hummmmmmm for a while, just long enough for her to see that I'm not up for a fight and am infinitely grateful for the fact that she is very loudly ignoring me!!

Oh sweet joy, she has made my day! just as I go to hit the 'publish post' button, I discover absolute proof that she IS my child...I swear this is true, I couldn't have made this bit up if I had had a sudden flash of inspiration......SHE'S HUMMING!!!!!!!