I wonder.....

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be inside someone else's mind? Perhaps a new born baby with that inexplicabe look of deep wisdom in it's eyes? Maybe a rambling old lady who mutters of long ago memories or even the mind of a child so disabled she can't see, hear or even even eat...but manages the widest grin out of the blue?
One of my most favourite pastimes is to try and see into the minds of other people.


My Isaac is my subject lately....what is he thinking and feeling and wondering? His mind is so complex and his emotions are so clear it is impossible for me NOT to try and think what he is thinking, feel what he is feeling. This dear little boy is by far one of the gentlest and kindest boys, if he sees or hears any kind of distress in his little world he will rush and find his beloved 'Lello Ba' ( yellow blanket) and share it with whoever may be sad.
He screamed from the momeny he was bron, endless screaming for no reason that I, mother then to 5, could fathom, up to 18 hours a day of relentless screaming. Suddenly, at 5 months he stopped....then he became the sweetest most delightful boy. Not a bit of trouble, undemanding to the point of worry...he was happy to sit and watch and take a back seat to the unstoppable Seth. At 20 months he began to dislike new people, hiding from his beloved gramma, no more day trips with gramma or Auntie Leah, terror and hiding and ...well..nothing. He became mine and daddy's, happy without any added company. His world was mummy, daddy, Isaac and lello ba. Seth is in his world too but sometimes Seth is too much, too loud and bossy for gentl eIsaac although he does love to watch and is in often in awe of this big brother who would appear to be his exact opposite, I wonder if he sees Seth talk and interact with so many people and wishes he could do the same? I know when he is with Seth he is much braver, much more relaxed and able to join in so many more activities. Maybe he feels a bit lost without his brother, smaller framed and lighter although older than him, albeit it by only 11 months. Seth can talk the hind leg off a donkey, he is exhausting with his demands for attention and knowledge and answers to his questions...for so long Isaac got by simply by waiting for the right moment and saying " me too" which would result in him getting a drink, sweets, attention, cuddles...anything Seth had requested.

So afraid of things most of us hardly notice, Isaac will recoil and shake at the sight of a painting apron or candy floss but allow a silky adult python to curl around his neck.

To look at or speak to anyone unknown is ( it would seem) physically impossible for Isaac, beyond shy, he is literally unable to look at these new people, once known and trusted he will allow them to speak to him and not hide or cower but still it takes a very very long time until those enormous and delicious brown eyes of his can return a look, he will answer with his back to whoever is talking to him.
What an honour to be the mummy of this boy, to be one of a mere handful of people who are treated to the eye to eye contact with him, there is depth and understanding behind those eyes that I am incapable of describing. To be so obviously loved and trusted by someone so sparing with his attention is truly a gift not to be taken lightly.



Frustrating,however, is the word for Isaac's fears and eccentricities, every morning begins with a ritual of discussing and debating and screaming and begging about his clothes....." no shor mummy, no shor.....out-tie cool aday..no shor mummy.....foo-bore ti mummy.....me no shor. " Terrified of shorts apart from his football kit, he feels safest in long jeans, t-shirt and long sleeved shirt on top, anything else means at least an hour of screaming, breath holding, more screaming. every day. Every single day.Nothing cheers him more than to look outside and see rain or wind, this means he will be able to wear his 'safe' clothes and won't be forced to wear clothes he can be cool in.
I wonder how it must feel to be so afraid of the world that rituals and 'sameness' mean safety, where new things, new places, new places are just so daunting they are best not encountered?
We are so close to our appointment with Isaac's future.......will he be diagnosed with Autism? I think so. I find half of me longing to hear the words so we can plan and ensure he gets all the help he needs to make sure he is able to be the very best Isaac imaginable, all the help to encourage his sharp mind, photographic memory, logical thinking, brilliance....whilst also trying to help him see the joy in the world that is his for the taking, if he can only battle with his fears.
The other half of me dreads hearing it, hates the thought that it will actually be REAL, a lifelong onslaught against himself just to be able to be 'in' the world.
I don't want my Isaac changed a bit, I want him only to learn the things he needs to be happy, not important to me whether he is the centre of attention and life and soul of every party. To me, it will mean success if my Isaac finds a career he loves, a partner that he loves who loves him too....eccentricities and all. I want him to laugh the way he laughs now, freely and irresitably, guffawing great belly laughs at little things and know the joy of others laughing with him. I think that's not asking too much, is it?