Well what d'ya know?

If I haven't gone and had a few thoughts this week that have made me almost jump in suprise because of their absolute normality! I had a crazy day yesterday, hardly stopped charging around from the minute my weary and unfocused eyes opened way before I would have let them had the choice been mine up until I sat here last night with my twitchy legs and blissful silence. At 5pm when my Isaac and I left his speech therapy ( where he was deliciously cheeky and quite gloriously brave) I realised that I was ravenously hungry. Did you get that? Me. HUNGRY!
Darn it if I hadn't parked the car right near the clinic but so far away from the shop I decided I had to buy 3 heavy bags of groceries from....oh that feeling of having your feet stuck in mud, a turn of the century ( but not the last one, probably the one before that) yoke thing around my neck with the weight of the world on it, the heat of hell itself ( I wonder if England will EVER feel the need for A/C? A twiddly little residential fan next to the till is just not going to do it in a shop full of sweating people and a cashier who is hell bent on being in the guinness book of records for being the most useless and ineffectual and not even attractive, in the world.) and the realisation that the car is a good 15 minute walk away and you have a weary and hungry 3 year old who just can't walk ferry well mummy because his yegs are ferry tiyered.
I stood rooted and dripping and ready to weep when I realised I was hungry, really hungry....hell's teeth, I'm amazed that I even recognised the feeling I have been a grazer for so many years that my stomach hasn't known the need to rumble since who can say when. Remarkable in itself but just wait for the next bit....." Wow" thought I, " I am SO hungry, I am going to really, REALLY enjoy my dinner tonight" DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?! Not a single thought of " where's the nearest bakery?" not even a gentle pull towards the paper shop and the shelves of delicious cadbury's chocolate. Honest to Betsy ( whoever she is) I truly just imagined how bloody great that plate of grilled lamb and brocolli was going to be.
THEN.....I have discovered that I can get full. HA! get halfway through a meal and realise that I don't actually want any more food and I don't eat it! 3 times this week, even though I have been serving myself portions half the size I have been forcing myself to eat for years, I have left food on my plate!!
Where is this all coming from? Do you understand that if I could answer that question I wouldn't NEED to win the lottery, I could sell the answer and be so rich it wouldn't be funny!
What has happened inside this head of mine that after years- and I am talking at least 22 years- of just being obsessed with food and eating and needing and wanting, never mind the hating, revulsion, disgust, misery, suddenly food is something that is great, keeps me alive, is incredible when eaten properly and that's it. It doesn't hurt me , it doesn't make me sneak and hide or control me. If there is a prayer in my heart it has to be that this lasts that whatever it is that happened is for good.
It's not saturday, but let me tell you that this week I lost 5lbs. FIVE pounds.....so in 3 weeks and 6 days I have lost 15 lbs. Can you imagine? I honestly am beginning to think that it is entirely possible that weight loss is as much to do with the mind as the body; time and time again I have dieted, changed the way I eat etc and lost some weight but it has HURT. It has been a painful and bitter struggle and I swear that my head has held onto the fat somehow. eventually it just got too hard and I just couldn't do it anymore. Weight back on, plus some. Old story.
I am not doing anything I haven't done before, I have still eaten chips, crusty bread, real butter, ice cream. I haven't forbidden anything, but I THINK differently, if I feel like eating something that isn't great food, I think about it and tell myself that if I still want it later when... ( say for example, when I have done the laundry if I still want that ice cream I'll have it) chances are that actually I forget I even thought about it, if not, then I eat it, however, the very second I feel that I've had enough, I stop, throw the rest away. Sometimes it has taken just 2 or 3 of Eli's crisps and that feeling of 'need' is gone, great, no need to eat the whole packet ( or 3 ) then.
This is very good, I like it, I like feeling better, I can't wait to start looking better too...hooray for having something to look forward to !