Things I missed the first time.

I've been thinking so much about how different life is this time around, both with my marriage and my 3 children.
Many times I wish I could turn back the clock and change some things I did, or didn't do...we can't do that but in many ways it does feel as if I am getting a second shot at it all.
The first husband and I were ridiculously ill equipped for marriage. We were young, not only in years but in knowledge and experience. I take my hat off to all the grown ups who shut their mouths and let us get on with what was obviously a disaster in the making.
When I married him it was with a still broken heart from being so sensible in not marrying my true love, we could see that there were some very basic differences in our lives that might cause trouble later on and so we parted and went our separate ways. I regretted that move so many time over the next 18 years or so.
I met the first husband and thought that it probably wouldn't get any better than that and even though I was aware he wasn't the love of my life I married him. I really did have a moment where I decided it was absurd and told him so but he cried and my simple and naive heart told me that if someone loved me enough to cry at the thought of not marrying him, he must love me very much and would never do me any harm......Lesson one, take time to get to know who you are marrying....it wasn't long until I discovered he cried over films, little house on the prairie and not having a new car.
When I was raising my first 3 children I thought it was up to me to mould them into good people. I really thought that the whole onus was on me to teach them everything they needed to know. What an exhausting and futile time that turned out to be.....I only have to see these 3 people now to understand that they are who they will be, yes of course we have to help them understand the very basic right and wrong of humanity, teach them not to fart in public or pick their noses at the dinner table but honestly there are so many things that we all have to learn for ourselves.
It's a great tool to teach them to clean up after themselves and teach them skills that they will need and use in their adult lives, but this time, with my 3 little people, I know that they won't be damaged or turned into slovenly monsters who care not for anything if pick up their toys. There are times ( when I can see quite plainly that it will work ) that they earn stickers for tidying, helping with dinner, cleaning picking up, there are also times when I can see they have trashed the whole place, they are tired and bad tempered and I can either begin a 3 hour battle to get them to obey or I can let them snuggle and watch power rangers SDP while I pick up the aftermath of fun.
I have seen that a totally helpless and floppy backed teenager can become a houseproud and fastidious man. I have seen the 'don't make me have a bath I might dissolve and never get out alive' 10 year old become a grooming machine, I am still waiting for the miracle to occur with Sophie, but that die hard optimist in me feels sure it will happen.
I wish I had known the first time to soak in every second of deliciousness when they held my hand...this time when a little hand creeps into mine as we walk down the street I hold my breath, I breathe in that feeling and I hold it in my heart because I can't remember when Daniel stopped holding my hand. I can't remember when Jordan stopped curling on my lap and playing with my hair, I don't remember if Sophie ever fell asleep on me ( I can't remember if she ever actually slept at all when she was little!!).
I wonder if I ever stopped cuddling them to vacuum or dust? Can you imagine? I don't now, I really don't. I will sit in complete chaos and not give a hoot if one of my little people want to snuggle.
I get frustrated when they make a mess and there are days when I could weep with annoyance at the things I know don't matter, it would be stupid of me to pretend I sail through my days humming and la la-ing with glee... I'm just so happy to have the experience of seeing that these things pass and so does their childhood. I am grasping every moment this time and it feels good.

I don't have too many regrets about the first marriage, I'm glad I did it because I have the 3 children that came from it.
I wish I hadn't wasted as much emotion on the things I couldn't change...maybe I knew he was playing away and that's why I worried about it so much, worrying didn't stop it happening and having seen from the sidelines that no matter if he is with a thin person, a fat person, a career woman, a party animal, a sweet and gentle soul, a bitch of the highest order, a housewife, a plain Jane or a stunner,( and he's been with them all) he cheats. It wasn't me, it was him, he was going to do it, he still does it.
With H, I completely accept that he is who he is, the difference is I see him working at being better at who he is. I see him teaching his children the things he knows are important and even though at times I wish I could change some things, I know that to try would be nothing more than a waste of my time and energy, just as he knows that I will never be the frilly blouse wearing quietly spoken flipperty gibbet he envisioned marrying in his younger days ( can you picture me in a gingham frilled blouse and a swishing skirt?! Heaven forbid!!) I can look at him with his bald head, in holey old jeans, snot on his shirt ( not his of course) chocolate handprints on his legs and be overwhelmed with love for him, the fabulous thing is, I also understand that it is entirely possible that he can look at me in my tired clothes, with my overstretched and wobbly belly, crazy hair and also feel that love. Marvellous.
I learned so much the first time and lets face it, isn't that what life is all about? Learning and doing and trying your best? Grasping the very best out of what you're dealt and getting strength and experience from the things that hurt. If you them use that strength and experience to help someone else along the way then I think you can hold your head up and pat yourself on the back.