The next stage.

So, here I am, another session or 2 of therapy done and some progress being made. I'm glad I go to see Jan, although I can see that things are changing, I can't always see that they are better. Jan explains how they ARE better and how things are progressing. I am pretty sure that the hidden stuff is out. The demons have been exposed and the secrets shared.
Now what?
Now it seems that the reactions are here. The nervous ticks, the headaches, the insomnia,the dizzy spells and the RAGE. Oh the ANGER. I am so ANGRY! What at? I hear you ask. H mainly. He is here and he is solid and so far he is taking it. Everything is somehow his fault. Jan also helps me to see that actually it isn't, his fault. It is just that he is the first person I can rail at and he still be here, still calm and still very H. Slap the man someone. On the back probably.
Go out, I say, leave me alone...so he does, how dare he? Doesn't he know I need him?
Don't go upstairs, stay with me, so he does..idiot, can't he tell I need my space?
Help me out, I'm tired...he does it all, damn him....does he think I can't do anything right?
I need me time, go out alone....he stays home....pig! doesn't he want to go anywhere with me?
The good Lord knew what he was doing when he sent me to H and H to me....beng married is very hard work. SO much simpler to be alone and not have to worry about making things right, or caring, or loving.

Jan is doing something with me that is called visualisation. Very hippy and at first I thought I might be 13 and snigger. I gave it a go, you get to shut your eyes, in the day, in a quiet room. I didn't fall asleep, I went where she sent me and I liked it...we have done it again and she is teaching me to go there when I feel the rage. When I feel sad, when I remember bad things. Wanna come with me? just this once? It's my place you see, the good thing about it is that no-one can get there unless I take them. My place. Safe and inpenetrable by anythingbad or dark.

The place is somewhere only I can go. I can take you there but can't tell you how to get there. I can take you by starting at the entrance and walking you there......through a small thicket and over a wooden barrier, small steps and down the other side. Over head the sun is high and scorching hot but where I am is shaded and cool, The many tall trees block the heat and make the air clear and fresh-it smells of summer. Grassy. Silent, apart from the breeze in the trees. Not even a bird.
The path is clear and I can hear, but not see, a stream. Cool water.Clear fast running, shallow water.
The walk is cleansing and uplifting, overwhelming is the feeling if absolute safety. No-one can get in here, it is entirely my land. Only good things here, in a world so filled with fear and trepidation can you begin to imagine the gift of such security and peace?
As we walk slowly, the water is closer, I can hear it and now smell it, fresh and inviting, around this corner there is a clearing, a small pebbley beach with shallow water and smooth, water worn rocks. No people, not a soul but me..and today, you. We can sit on a flat rock and lean against a warm and sloping sand dune, nothing to hear but the water. Far away from the rest of the world, no danger or expectations, no noise here and no time. No thoughts of things to do or people to care for. WArmer here, but still a cool breeze.
I can stay here as long as I need, I can visit as often as I like.
When I am here, I breathe slowly, no hyperventilating, no rapid heart beats, no pulsing eyelids. Just peace.

Amazing that we have the abilty to choose where our minds take us. We are able to stop the fearful thoughts and replace them with safe ones. Such an obvious and natural idea, I wonder why we never think of doing that? I wonder why it takes a therapist to tell me something so simple? I hope that I can remember at the right time.....sometimes the sad thoughts, the horrific memories just slap themselves in while we aren't ready for them. Sometimes life itself is such that we can't sit and think of peaceful clearings. ( like this afternoon, 3 little boys, at the park all wanting different, and impossible, experiences....this means 3 little boys ALL screaming for the very thing they need, yep, just the time to slope off to an imaginary escape place!!)

I thought I would be better by now, imagined that I would declare the demons and be rid of them. the whole process is so slow, like the weight loss. In order for it to be forever, I have to do it the right way. Small and steady, slow but sure.
Patience has never been my thing. I think I am learning about it, maybe even getting some.
I hope this angry phase is over soon, I told a complete stranger to shut up on saturday, satisfying but perhaps not necessary. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.