Sophie

She's getting more lovely every day. Thank goodness.
This, of all my children is my challenge. I am convinced that Sophie has been sent to test me, in patience, compassion, restraint, in all things hard to learn, hold onto and deserve.
I think the one thing that has kept me from giving up is a surity that for some reason this girl HAS to be feisty. At some time in her life I think she is going to need every ounce of the fight that she was born with. From day one she has been headstrong, so sure that she knows everything and should be heard. the problem is, in being so forceful, so loud, so in your face and combative....she pushes people away.
She has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced as a parent. She was knocked sideways at 5 by epilepsy, along with that came a personality and behaviour that made me understand why throughout the bible, epilepsy was viewed as being obsessed with spirits...and not good ones. OH MY GOODNESS! She jumped out of windows, she ran into roads, she spat, kicked, bit, headbutted, ran away, screamed, fought and she didn't sleep. She makes up for that now.
She went from being far above average at school to being almost un-testable.
At 9 she outgrew the seizures. The behaviour, oh lucky us, stayed.
12 years of rollercoaster, breath holding, hair raising, heart breaking seat of your pants and day by day praying and hoping.
She is seemingly unable to grasp the concept of time and place. Embarrassment is alien to her ( unless I go into a charity shop when she is within 100 yards, she will shrivel and cringe at the very idea) I would be unable to count the times I have had that cold sweat, slow motion oh dear Lord please don't let her open her mouth PLEASE SEND ANGELS TO STILL HER MOUTH!!! Because I have been blessed with an abilty to read her mind and know what she is about to say ( or do) and wouldn't you know...she's never let me down!
I havae always known that THIS chid would always go her own way, I have been here to steer, guide, nag, explain, teach, weep and pray that she will choose the right way, because short of breaking her legs and her spirit there has never been a way to make this child submit.
So far, so good. She is very open about the things she does do, and she is unrepentant, if she does it, it is because she thinks it's OK.If she doesn't do it, she tells me. Thankyou Lord.
I am most in love with this girl when she allows that tiny bit of vulnerability to show and lately, she trusts me to share with me when she isn't feeling on top of the world. I am watching the woman unfold. Still feisty, still loud, but learning, at last ( and sort of slowly) that you are more likely to get what you want if you are pleasant.
She has some awesome qualities that are showing more and more. She is generous to a fault. She earns a relatively small amount of money by staying in school and her part time job, when she is paid she spends money on the boys and me and anyone else she loves. If she borrows money she pays it back immediately, without ever being asked.
She has been the most understanding about my sorrow in losing my dad....which is strange as she has never had a dad worth calling by that name.
She is buying her own clothes and toiletries and that means that she is more careful with the things she owns.
I am beginning to breathe, I am thrilled to be able to enjoy this girl of mine. My only girl. There are still many moments that she has me beside myself with rage, she has the ability to cause chaos in seconds.
A year ago I couldn't imagine we would ever be where we are now, it was hard for me to look at her without feeling sad, or angry. Incredible that we have longer periods of enjoying each other than butting heads and fighting.
I think 12 years is long enough. It must be time for some good times with my beautiful girl.