It's a bit like riding a horse.

Parenting that is. The longer I do it, the more I see how little I know about it.
Lately, I find more and more that it feels like being on a horse, going fast. Galloping, not cantering and definately not trotting.
Sometimes I go with it and hang on and feel the wnd in my hair and the exhilleration of the ride. Othertimes, I grab those reigns and stop that horse right in it's tracks and try to take charge. Those are the scarey times. I've never been good at animals, always been very afraid of horses and they know it. Tough though, because being the mummy I have to blow up the horses nostrils and calm that beast down.
Having 6 children means that some stuff is done on auto pilot and routine is a good thing, you get used to doing things and the kids get used to how you do them and thank heavens, it usually works. The problem with doing things that way is that you miss a ton of stuff, you can miss the treats that come your way. It is easy to knock them out the way because that's not what you do..this is the way we do it here buddy.
Bedtime. Sometimes my favourite time of day, sometimes I dread it. The christmas period has been a doozy for bedtime, routine smoutine, forget it. Not once have the beastlets snuggled down, had their faces stroked and gone to sleep. They have been like mini junkies. High on the crazy excitement of fat men in red suits visiting and chocolate on tap. Sleep has not been a part of the plan and going to bed, it would seem, is the very devil's way of ending the fun. Tonight I was up and down like a whore's drawers, every time I stomped up those stairs to try and get them to settle I would feel more disgruntled about it. This stupid flu has hung around and is just miserable, my ears whistle, my head is spinning and oh please let me sit down and watch Jam and Jerusalem, relax a bit, snooze even.
I do enjoy the reasons kids give for not sleeping, Isaac hates the sumo wrestlers santa brought because they are of that stretchy material that makes him scream, really scream. Silly santa forgetting that fact when putting them in stockings, he didn't give stretchy lizards to Isaac because he knew he hates them but those super duper sumos slipped past and ...oh well....the sumos were out of the way but darn it if he didn't think that the box they came in might be somewhere near his bed and that, he says, is as bed...ewwwwwww the very thought.
Seth needs stroking a lot, once when he goes to bed and then again when he has been in bed about 15 minutes or so, when I am in and out and getting more and more ragged it's so hard to stand and gently stroke the face......but if I don't, he can't sleep.
Elijah, he is the master of not going to sleep, he can come up with a gazillion reasons why he can't / shan't/ won't sleep. He is a hard faced little beastlet too, he can keep it up for hours.
Tonight he was keeping the others awake and after 27 trips to put him back into bed, I got off the damn horse, I gave up on how we do it in this house, forgot what is right and important and routine.....I knelt by his bed and put my face right next to his and I felt my soul soar. This child is divine, even in his irritating and infuriating moments he has the power to stop the world turning and make everything stand still. His funny little face with his goofy teeth, his sticky out ears and those puppy eyes. His whoe face lit up when I knelt by his bed.
" Lije, why aren't you going to sleep?"
"Mine fum hurts"
"your thumb hurts?"
"Yeth, it fell on a road and it hurts"
"can you suck it?"
"No, I tan't, I tan't thuck it and I tan't go to thleep"
"hmmm, did you try the other one?"
A look of complete astonishment crossed his face, he stuck the left thumb in his mouth, sucked 4 times and was out like a light.
Life is so damn short, we gallop along trying to get all that important stuff done and miss those moments of sheer heaven.

I think I missed way too many moments with my girl. Life has been such a battle with the Sophie one, we've made it through this far, but I think so much has been lost on the way. I am in the middle of a time with her that I know could have been avoided if I had knelt by her bed more.
If I had somehow found a way to get off the horse more often and just enjoy her instead of trying to teach her all the time. I know that we had the odds stacked against us for so much of the time and I feel truly blessed that we are right where we are now, things could have been so much worse. I am just so sad that she still lacks so much that is important.
I am desperate to show her that she is of infinite worth. I want for her to know exactly how precious she is and I am at a loss to know how to do that. If we had had more kneeling by the bed times, more moments of watching silly movies and just being together, I might know how to help her now. It is getting easier to talk to her, she listens now, she actually asks me things, wants to be with me and looks at me as if I might have something to say. I just hope that I can reach her with what is really important before it's too late.

There is always so much to do in our house, cleaning and laundry and picking up and feeding.....sometimes I have to let a lot of that go in order to listen and breathe it all in. I swear I can see these little boys grow, they are changing every day and there is so much to show them and teach them, so much to enjoy......better get to bed so that I can do another day tomorrow, these little gits can suck the energy out of an old gal before lunch these days. Life's grand ain't it?