I heart my heart.

Isn't that just the way? Go away because there is nothing to blog about and whad'ya know? News. Sort of.
I've been having these panic attacks, can't catch my breath, heart pounding and hurting, faint feeling.......the last month has been pretty full of them, without my feeling there was much to panic about. When I walked with the boys to school last week ( I DID, imagine!!) well, I couldn't believe how unfit the winter had made me, it HURT, not my legs but my chest, just to the end of the road and I had to stop because the pain was horrible. Old knacker.
So, fast forward to yesterday when I went to the doctor to talk about my blasted legs, that are driving me crazy again and hurt now as well as twitch. Lovely Dr. she checked everything and asked questions and remarked on how my legs have a good range of movement and lovely pulses ( why thankyou!) and said that , bugger that it is, this really IS restless leg syndrome and unless the chinese torture becomes appealing again, I have to just get on with it and keep trying everything that seems to work.
In passing I mentioned my panic attacks and the fact that on tuesday night, I was pretty sure I was dying. ( so dramatic, it comes from my nana you know, ooh me hip) She took my blood pressure and managed to tell me how high it was without losing her eyebrows to the top of her head. She then asked if I have chest pain on exertion ( which would have been impossible to answer, as a rule as me+ exertion don't usually meet, unless you count changing the bottom sheet on my bed which makes me huff and puff a bit), but having had the walk of stabbing chest pain just days before I was able to tell her that, yes, ow, walking hurts and so does the climb up the back steps these days.
I also run out of breath half way through a sentence which is so maddening as I make myself laugh, it sounds so like some puffy old fag ash Lil, having smoked 100 a day for 60 years. By the time I have wheezed the last word out and then snorted at the sound of it..well who's left to listen anymore?
We had just been talking about how walking and exercise will help the high blood pressure and aid the weight loss, she then looked at me and said " scrap all that. Don't do anything that causes the pain, we need to check this out." So I am heading for an ECG, blood tests and an ECG whilst on a treadmill ( Oh lawks, imagine that why don't you? Can't even get any practise in so I can try and fool them into thinking that these legs are used to moving further than 20 yards at a time)
I think I'm not worried, I am hoping this is merely a fright in the right direction. I have been talking to myself and telling myself how I have done this to myself.
I try to help myself and thankfully manage to get the weight down before putting it back on again ( which if I am correct, is actually incredibly bad for you, as bad as just being fat the whole time) I know it's not something I do intentionally, but it IS something I haven't taken seriously enough. I have convinced myself that I may be fat but I'm fit. I chase around after 3 little boys and walk to town and ....... don't do enough. I am unkind to my poor body, the only one I have. I haven't liked it enough or been nice to it. I haven't cared.
I so want to care and do what is good for me. I want to feel well and be an old lady, I want to breathe well and feel well and not ache. I am not old. I joke about it and I have grey hair but I am not old.
I hope I have all the time in the world to rectify things. To change, for good. For THE good.
I so wish I knew what makes me give up, stop caring, fool myself that I am happy and cuddly and people love me just the way I am... well maybe they do but my children need me. They will need me for a long time, I still need my mum.
I have managed to tell myself that it doesn't matter if I feel miserable because I am fat. It DOES matter if I feel ill because I am fat. If I can't walk, or clean or do everyday things because I am fat and heavy, that really matters.
I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't even drink tea or coffee, it never occurs to me to do any of those things because I believe they are not good for me, have no benefits......why then can I eat such crap in such quantities without a care? It is SO frustrating to be this way.. It ISN'T as easy as saying ' stop then.' If only it were.
Right now I am on track, losing weight again and feeling positive...i just thinking that one day, who knows when, something could change again. I can't do it again. I have to get well and healthy. Be fit and healthy.
One day at a time I suppose. The tests begin next week. Naturally I have had 3 heart attacks today and have all kinds of heart defects imaginable, I have all but prepared for a heart transplant and have thought about how inconvenient that oxygen tank will be when I have to have it fixed on the back of my electric carty thing. I've stopped just short of shopping for polyester slacks and slip-on shoes, because I might well have all these tests and be told, 'pull yourself together woman' ... it's panic attacks after all.
Whatever it is, it has made me think harder than I ever have before. I hope this fear stays with me.