Saying it as it is.

I just read this quote from a woman who lost 100lbs in 17 months....inspiration is what I need!


This 15 months would have passed by no matter what I did, but it was the little day-by-day, moment-by-moment, workout-by-workout choices I made that added up to big changes, not some huge, one-time life-changing event. No magic pill, no easy solution - just baby steps and a fundamental shift in thinking about exercise and eating.

See, this is what I need, she said what I have been trying to say in that, however long this takes, well that time would be passing anyway, if I can lose even a pound a week, well eventually I will get there. If I don't..it's all downhill!
She has some tips and I am looking into some of the things she did..oh by the way she has TWELVE children. I wish she had a blog! I know that the key for me is now exercise, I have to find something that is doable for me and that may well be more cleaning, scrubbing, car washing, anything that feels worth doing and gets me up, out and moving.
I sent the letters off that I wrote yesterday and feel very much better, I also made a couple of those dreaded calls to arrange some payment schemes for bills that have got way out of hand, it'll be tough but at least I have peace of mind and some idea of how they will be paid, no more hiding letters that arrive and ignoring phone calls from 'withheld' or 'unknown' numbers ( actually I will still ignore those, if you don't want me to know who you are before I speak to you, I am not going to speak to you!)
I've been sliding down the can't pay won't pay slope, I am pretty good at only buying what we have the money for, keeping outgoings to a minimum etc but every now and then some bills get overwhelming, I can't see how I can pay them and I shut my eyes to them for a while, all the time worrying more about them than if I just faced up and found a way to deal with them. Our water bill is huge, I got a letter, after signing up for low income social capping, saying that payments were £16.15 a month, COOL....set it up at the bank and have been paying that every month. Seems that was a wrong calculation ( and lets face it, I think I had a clue!) so I started getting " you haven't paid us" letters...which I ignored because I couldn't pay more.....anyway today I called and now have a much bigger, tougher amount to find each month, I will do it. I just won't like doing it! Now I have to get brave and tackle an outstanding gas bill....soon. Maybe!
I can hear " how does she go to America twice in one year then?" Well because twice now I have decided that I wanted to. That's it. I did it in June.......when I got home I felt so bad because I really shouldn't have done it. We don't have the means to do this kind of thing without seriously sacrificing and the fact that I did do it made me feel dreadful. I played serious catch up for 3 months when I got home and phew, did it. All straight!
Then, before I knew what I was doing I started a whole new lets do THAT again....and I am going to say here and now that unless I win the lottery or miracles happen, this is the last time I will do it. It is ridiculous to pretend that this is an OK thing for me to do. It really isn't, it is selfish and impractical ( and also completely wonderful ) I can justify it by saying that while I am there I will be spending money that I would have spent on Christmas anyway, I will be buying what I would have bought anyway.
I have a husband who insists that I do it, he refuses to even hear a word about it being selfish, unnecessary etc, he says it IS necessary and he loves the women I go to meet, they are the exact kind of friends he would have me have, he loves them because they love me and because they make me a better person.
I am also justifying this trip by telling myself ( and now you!) that the time I will be spending with Sophie will be worth even more than we have spent on getting there and doing this. She needs this time with me and I need the time with her. I am praying that when she experiences the bond that is between us all as friends, when she sees what real friendship is, what true and unconditional love between friends can be like when she sees and feels that SHE is worthy of this kind of love....she will continue to see that the way she is taking her life is worth all the work she has put in, that going back to her old life will never be something she wants to do.
She is having a rough time right now because it has taken a lot for her to get this far towards this trip. I wanted it to be tough, I wanted her NOT to have any spare money, I wanted her to put everything in to get to Boston and she has. It is just 2 weeks an 2 days, we'll be there. It can't come soon enough for her ( or me) now.
It IS a good thing we are doing. Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven.....bring them on!
When we get back though, I am going back to being realistic Helen. I like sleeping easy, paying bills, being thrifty. I don't think I chose to live this way, given the choice my life would be very different. I think though, that life has a habit of giving us what we need. I am very glad that I am able to make what we have go a long way, I will look on these trips with such fond memories but I have to admit that I can't keep doing it.
I shall make sure that this trip is one that Sophie talks about for years, until she is old and grey....I shall make sure that we both have a blast, how could we not when we are meeting the people we are meeting?
Oooh, lets make it a great one!