Teenagers, the other species.

I thought I would share with you my thoughts on teenagers, if given a choice I would love it if there were a place we could send teenagers, somewhere there were only other teenagers. It would be nice if we could contact them and say hello, from the safety of our quiet and well mannered homes.
I have long believed that teenagers are of another species, something happens to them around puberty that changes everything, the way they look, the way they think ( or not, it would seem much of the time) and definately the way they smell.
It has fascinated me to watch my children grow and I suspect that the only reason I am able to lay any claim to sanity at all is because I have a marvellous ability to detach myself and view the antics as if I am watching a fascinating documentary. Poor H can't do that and is driven to the brink by the endless repetition of wasted words directed to the gangly, ever hungry ( though not for wholesome food) lazy ( unless working for large sums of money and then said laziness returns immediately on payment, never pay a teenager a penny until the job is finished and NEVER get sucked into the " oh can you please please give me £10 and I will do anything you ask tomorrow/ next week / never ......I promise " ploy.) deaf ( to any sound other than a phone ringing when you will see movement so fast it will make your head spin, our phone never rings more than twice if the teens are home) sleeping ( through anything bar a cell phone ringing) teenagers.
God bless him he still asks them to wash dishes ( and expects them to actually use dish soap AND rinse ) I so hope that by the time the 3 little ones have become teenagers ( and they will, Lord help me, right about when I turn 54ish) he has learned that the only way to get them to wash their own dishes is to ask, once, then when they have left them sitting in their own scum for a day or two you simply take them and put them on the teenager's bed, or on top of their TV in their room perhaps. This is the only way to stay sane. I ask Jordan to take out the rubbish and he always says 'yes of course' and then doesn't, he forgets because he has so much on his mind, downloading music, making CD's, how many people can fit in his room, poor boy, so I help him and put the bags right by his door, when he falls over them coming in, or tryies to get out and can't because there is a big stinking bag in his way, he remembers, he knows I am helping him and have been thinking about him and he moves it...not always into the large wheeled bin that he has to walk past every time he leaves the house out of his door but mostly it's pretty close.
Girls are different ( in my experience) more complex and much harder to deal with, somehow that competition streak sets in and they begin to think and yes,truly believe that it is their job and duty to show you they know best. I hold out all my hope on Sophie having daughters, yes daughterS ....she deserves to remember so many of her words and eat them, one daughter might not make that happen so may she have at least ...3, I think.
It is a documented fact that women who live together PMS together. Oh fun.....I've had it all longer than her so I am better at it, she is younger than me so has more staying power, it's not pretty. She's mean. I'm older so have learned that it is a good and kind thing to curb the rage and explosive feelings if possible. She doesn't see any reason to even try, the girl can shrivel a room full of hulking young men and doesn't bat an eyelid, she is completely unembarrassed and unrepentant of any hormone induced actions.....almost enviable, except I have to live with her, ouch.
I remember when my children were young, how I worried about when they grew up and having to let them out of my sight ( I still feel the same way about my little boys even though I know what is going to happen in a few short years time) I would always know where they are and what they were doing, who they were with and when they'd be home.
HA HA HA HA HA !!!!! Nature makes it that by the time they are old enough to be out late, you kind of hope they are...or even better that they live somewhere else so you can pretend they are at home in comfy clothes, doing puzzles and drinking hot chocolate, rather than being heaven knows where, doing Lord knows what, with don't even ask who.....or even worse being in, at home, with you, bored. When they are bored, it is your fault, always. Somehow you made all their friends hate them, or go out without them, you made them spend all their money at the beginning of the week so now they haven't got any and bloody hell could you be any meaner because they know you have money and yet won't hand it over when you know they NEED it!?
The ideal answer is when they get a friend whose house they can be at. When your teenager says " Oh I'm going to *******'s house" your heart does a jig, they will be inside, warm and safe, you don't question it ( unless it's a name you don't recognise then you ask who that is, and they tell you and you do the heart jig again)
You learn quite quickly that they have an incredible ability to self preserve. They can stay out late, really late and then get up for college.....then they can sleep for many many hours, through any kind of noise and store up the ZZZZZZZZZs for the next bout of burning the candle at both ends.
They can look and convince you that they are much older than they are....and then they can cry like a toddler over something so trivial it is hard not to laugh.
They feel everything a hundred times more intensely than normal human beings and are so completely self obsessed that it can take your breath away.
If you think two year olds hold the medal for believing they are the centre of the universe, spend a month with a teenager! My 2 year old is positively oozing compassion and empathy, he is a veritable diplomat and gentleman when measured against the teenagers in this house!
I've painted a bleak picture of my teenagers, that'll be because it is bleak......it's nature's way of preparing our maternal hearts for when they fly the nest. The good thing about teenagers is they are nearly adults, they will leave soon and then they remember they like you. If you get a tall one ( like Jordan) they are handy for hanging curtains and stuff, if you get a girlie one ( like Sophie) she will do your hair and nails and feel good because even though she knows you are a lost cause, she will try and enjoy the feeling of having been of service.

I had the marvellous idea of going down to Jordan's room and making a small video, of him, Sophie and all their friends...saying how fantastic I am and how they all love me , thus ending this entry on a fuzzy warm note, with goosepimples and feelings of tenderness. Only Jordan and one friend were there, THIS is what I got ...... I rest my case.