Between that rock and the hard place.

Argh, don't you just hate it when something has to be done and either choice is just, well, horrible?
Bad legs, getting worse, but the idea, the very beginnings of thinking that maybe I am really going to have to trudge my way back to the chinese man with mean yet magic hands.....miserable. I have become a complete Mary Ann about going there, each visit made me more nervous and dreading of the next one, having my substantial drawers make a hasty retreat during the massage ( however pleasant) was the last straw probably. Having then to hand over cash, actual money, was like rubbing salt in the wound ( and some of them were open after all, needles and stuff)
I am going to go and see a holistic therapist and discover the inner me and all, I'm told that will help, but the immediate problem of ankles that feel as if they are about to snap and legs that do the hokey cokey unaccompanied is one that I wish I could solve ( without needles and bruising preferably)
I suspect that my being rotund doesn't help with the ankle snapping feeling, poor things, most likely the daintiest part of my body and yet they are expected to bear the full weight of me and bend and everything. My head is telling my heart to get back on the happy track, stop the self destructive chomping and stop while I am still ahead. Clever head. Shame then, that I just don't seem to be listening and am quicker than quick hurtling back to right where I was this time last year. Dagnabbit.
I really think I WANT to stop this, I'm sure that I am no longer depressed. I definately still have days when my thoughts are miserable but don't we all?
I think that this is just laziness. I psyche myself up and them, well it's a rip to london, thanksgiving, a trip away, then Christmas. It would be all well and good to just say ' wait til the new year then' but by then I will have gained it all back, what a waste, even more fed up with myself.
Wouldn't it be great to not have a clue why this is so hard? What would I give to be a natural thinny, to have no idea why this is an issue for so many. I often hear of alcoholics and wonder why they don't get a grip, smoking? Stupid...just stop. Actually I don't think that, I know how hard these things are to stop...but I do wonder why people start those habits, everyone knows what smoking does to you and those around you..why start? Eating though, we have to do it and it's so nice. Eating is such a big part of our lives, I love to shop, cook, share, the whole shebang. The healthy thing is just as satisfying, in fact more so, it's very time consuming though and you just have to have the right frame of mind. You have to like yourself enough to stick with it, when did I get mad at myself again?
Boring, to keep going over and over the same feelings and year after year be in the same predicament. Will it ever be a thing of the past I wonder? Let me know if you have the answer.