Nearly there...

I feel as though I am on the last lap of a very long race.
I hadn't thought of it too deeply until this evening when I wrote a status on Face book about the first one and Sophie's birthday. In 3 weeks she will be 21, an adult, an honest to goodness grown up person. Sophie is and always has been excited about her birthday, she talks about it for weeks before hand, she wants all the bells and whistles and she loves every part of her day.
She was 10 weeks when her dad left and we all know he has been a let down from the very beginning where she is concerned. He has never remembered her birthday and I have always had to remind him when it is and tell him what he should send. 3 years ago he just stopped bothering all together, saying he doesn't see why HE should bother when quite clearly the kids don't think about HIM on HIS birthday. He did, however send Dan and Jordan a good sized cheque on their 21st birthdays. Now, no matter how much we talk about how useless he is, has been and probably always will be, Sophie still holds her breath when it comes to him and any occasion where he ought to prove himself. She wants him to show her she is wrong, she longs for him to show her that he cares....and yet every time, he lets her down, spectacularly more often than not. She puts on a brave face and we hear what an arsehole he is, how she doesn't care etc. etc.
I think I ought to remind him and ask him to do something for her, I know that I can fill in a gap and make sure so she has plenty of birthday treats to make her day splendid. She will actually not be here on her birthday, she is going to Tenerife with her friends where I hope she will have a lovely time. She is already asking if she can celebrate her birthday before she goes away, already beginning to fret about whether it will be OK, whether she will see people care.
I truly hate doing anything that would give the first one any thought at all that we need him for anything. We don't. I just want him to do what a good father would do naturally, without being reminded. He isn't a good father, he is selfish and stupid and I accepted that a long, long time ago....but every now and again I will slip back into that sad state of wishing that just once he would prove us all wrong.
I feel and oh what a great feeling it is, that this, Sophie's birthday, is the very last time he will be expected to stump up, show us what he can do. After this momentous occasion and a 21st birthday IS a big deal, he will be surplus to requirements. She has already spoken about when she gets married and how, because he has never had her to give, he will not be the person to give her away.
I just feel that this is the last time he should be expected to make a gesture, then he can disappear and live his life, as he so often told us he needed to. I am so excited about that, he doesn't feature in our thoughts much at all, only at times like this. I'm not worried about Jordan and Mel's wedding because he will just be there, another guest.
I have always felt guilty that Sophie feels so left out because I couldn't do anything to change it. There are many children who live without a father and are barely affected, Sophie isn't one of those children. She has always yearned for a daddy, she would tell me over and over again what a daddy would do, he would eat dinner at our house and he would hold her hand when they went out and he would choose her first.
I can't find words for the contempt I feel for him and men like him and actually, I don't even try because he isn't worth that much thought or energy.
I can't quite believe that this girl of mine is almost 21. What a trip this has been! I think a huge celebration is in order, the fact that she has made it, though epilepsy and crazy CRAZY childhood, her disturbed and furious adolescence, drug addiction and so much rage and sadness and here she is, about to be all grown up. She is quite delightful, totally uncouth, positively unashamed and unbashful. I think we wouldn't change a thing.

Oh, see, what I meant to say was...

I realised, long after I hit 'publish' on that last post that I hadn't said a thing I planned on saying when I wrote the title. 'The great I am.' Not that it matters really because you didn't know that, now you do and so now I hope to say what I meant to say back then, I won't though because my thoughts have change since then ( as they do)
Back then, all those hours ago, I was pondering the fact that I am 47 and I'm not really very great at anything in particular. I was going to write about Britain's Got Talent and how it felt to watch a 12 year old stand and sing like an angel, perfect pitch, beautiful melody, strong and clear and then whine about how I still can't sing anymore and that is sad to me.
I was thinking about how it must feel to KNOW what your talent is, where your greatness lies. Wouldn't that be amazing, or....would it be worrying in the way things can be when you feel the pressure to continue in your greatness?
I am still very thoughtful on people with huge amounts of money without actually having done anything to earn it, I mean not having done anything valuable to earn it, flashing plastic freak show breasts and behaving like the lowest of low, screaming with laughter at every immoral, bad mannered, hurtful and low down act you perform while shouting from every tabloid newspaper how YOU are the BEST and deserve to be worshipped and being paid millions to be that way. If I allowed myself the time and prideful thoughts I would probably feel for such people who will surely one day discover what little they have and they have wasted their lives all for the love of money and self gratification.
I am feeling my age these days, that's not a bad thing, I don't mean I am creaking my way through my days and waiting for my seat in the old folks home. I mean that I am more aware of who I am now and what that means. What that means is a constant little ping pong battle of thoughts bouncing about my head.
"Oh I am so fat, SO fat, fatter than ever before fat and I need to do something about that"
" Why? Well, health of course and to feel better, hang around on the earth a bit longer to see what these kids of mine become and enjoy all there is to enjoy but other than that, the vain part of weight loss. "The looking good part. Suddenly, although to me, in my head it still matters, when I think about it, it doesn't. I don't think anyone sees me as a woman anymore, I'm not sure that came out right, I mean, I am now a grandma, mum, helper, friend much more than a 'woman' who needs to look beautiful and fashionable. I feel sad, fleetingly, that I have never been beautiful in the worldly sense of the word, I am pretty sure no-one has ever snapped their neck trying to get a second look at me, even when I was slim and young I was so pitifully shy and self conscious that what youthful beauty I may have had was hidden behind that wall of cringing bashfulness. It never mattered to me, it was never my goal to be a head turner, I never wanted hoards of men falling at my feet, I wanted to be loved and actually, from when I was 16, I have been. I have always had one man love me in some way.
I feel as though I am leaving behind me a plethora of thoughts and beliefs, all kinds of things that were important and now, aren't.
I want to look better for me, for the first time ever. I want to look at my arms and not flinch at how fat they are. I want to wear clothes that make ME feel good, I no longer care whether they are fashionable or pleasing to anyone else, I want to wear what I want to wear. ( Which is the stage all woman must go through in order to ever wear elasticated waisted polyester slacks or brightly coloured, flowery frocks, no-one EVER looked at those clothes and thought " Oh they are beautiful, I simply cannot WAIT until I am old enough to wear those!" They quite simply woke up one day, saw those slacks on sale and thought " Comfy! Also, quick to wash and dry! That'll do for me" and they bought them, maybe they knew a moment of almost rebellious joy as they pulled them on and then went about living as though polyester slacks were always a part of the plan)
I think H finds me beautiful in his way, I don't doubt at all that he loves me, the longer I am married to him, the more I believe he loves me. Even after 10 years, I still find myself hearing the things the first one said to me and wondering if H is secretly hating me and plotting a way to get rid of me.....thanks first one, may life bring you all you deserve.
I got to thinking about not being beautiful and not being great at anything in particular and rather than feeling sad, I just thought a bit deeper and looked at the rest of my life even more closely and was perfectly content to see that despite the fact that my name is never in the news, there will be no monuments in any park dedicated to me, I will never have awards or financial rewards for anything I do or have done, I am being as great as I can be, slowly I am trying to be greater than I have been, better than I thought I could be and I am still trying.
I need only to see the way my family look at me to know I am doing something right. I only need to listen when my older children speak about me to know that to them, I am great.
I like who I am inside, I really do, there isn't an inch of me that cringes when I look at who I am inside, I stand tall and feel relieved when I imagine a day when I can be with my dad again and know that because of who he was, I am who I am and I know I am on the right track, that he will be as thrilled to see me as I will be to see him again, I have a feeling that I will be able to look at him and say " I did it" and I hope then that I will see my Heavenly Father and that He will then say to me " You did just great."
I have been called as Secretary in the Primary presidency, I am so thrilled to be back doing that work, I love everything I have to do, I love being with the other women and laughing and having fun as we do everything we can to teach the children all about Heavenly Father and how great they are in His eyes.
It's taken me such a long time but I really think that at last, I am beginning to see my worth and I like not feeling as though I have to apologise for who I am. That's great and in my own way, I am.