You never know what you've had....

Etc etc.
H and I are together always. All day, every day. Day in, day out. Every evening, every morning. I'm not sure I know any other couple that does that, well not one that lives to tell the tale and I'll be honest, lately things have been dire. Not screaming and fighting dire, rather dead and empty dire. Nothing to say dire. Oh my life this is dull dire.
Naturally I see it all from my side of the story. Poor me, when did I ever sign up for this life?
I have become, annoyingly, one of those 'anything for a quiet life' people. I am all out of give a damn, house is a mess? Meh, so what? Clutter over there? Why move it, it'll only pile up again as soon as I turn away. I live with it, I have blasts of moving things and putting things away and I blink and it's all right back in the exact same places I moved it from. That would be because these people, that live in this house are not being untidy they are putting things where they work..for them.
( Isaac and Eli are most definitely untidy, Isaac is no longer that glorious person who put things in the right place every time, as a matter of fact I looked down at his feet this very week to see him wearing odd socks, one black, one white and both of them were trainer socks, those ones that don't show over the top of shoes, the very kind that only 6 months ago would make him shudder because the ankles...they will be COLD! I gawped at his feet and I exclaimed at this wondrous sight I was seeing and then I noticed that one of the socks, the black one was one of Sophie's with glitter around the top. "Well, yes, I am in touch with my sparkly side, is there a problem with that? " ISAAC???? Who is this person? I'm hoping it's a phase, I rather liked that other one.)
Isaac is 9 now, he had his birthday only yesterday. Seth has been quite delightful as a 9 year old, I hope I shall be able to say the same thing about Isaac because 8 has been bloody awful.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, back to me.
So I, of course, I see how dull my life is and I think about how taken for granted I am and when I was at my mum's house last week I blubbered all about how terrible my world is and then I said " When I used to have therapy, I used to go and say all this stuff and always, by the time my hour was up, I always realised that actually, it was me that was screwed up. Is this me, this time?" and she answered the way she always does and said " What do you think?"
H has gone away today, he has gone camping. He is, with 2 other men in charge of the youth organisation at church, the boys from 12-18. Every tuesday he goes and does whatever they do, different things from service projects to hikes, sporty things to checking out all the chip shops in the town. On Sundays he teaches. Once a year they have a camp for a few days, in the wilds of Cornwall or somewhere and this year, he went too. The other 2 men work and couldn't get time off so H went. Last night, although he never said a word he looked as though he had lost the will to live. He said he was all packed and I asked him if he was taking the inflatable bed we have, oh it's such a great bed, blows up to the size of an actual double bed, 3ft off the ground and as comfy as can be, he said he would fine with that pathetic flat ground sheety thing and I disagreed. He is 51 years old has arthritis in his neck and I pretty much thought 3 nights on a damp field would finish him off. I inflated the bed and his face lit up and he agreed that if he can sleep comfortably at night he would be able to deal with whatever the days throw at him.
He is such a good man, he never, ever complains about what life throws at him. If he agrees to do something, he does it, without complaint and as well as he is able to do it.
We drove down to Cornwall today and he was ready, he got there and put his tent up, the bed filled the tent and left just enough room for his bags and food tucked down the side.
He was cheerful and ready to join in and do whatever a big group of boys do when they camp for several days.
We came home and strangely the house feels different. I was astounded to see Sophie had cleaned while we were out...good gracious that doesn't ever happen, what a treat. I also decided that while H is away I will tackle the nightmare that is Eli and Isaac's room. I can't adequately describe just how awful this room is, they have written, drawn, scraped every wall. They have etched their names in furniture, have hammered 4" nails into the walls in an effort to hand tiny little pictures of cars. They have stuck tape of the stickiest and most impossible to remove kind ( double sided carpet tape I believe!) on the walls, they have written their names " THIS IS ISAAC'S PROPERTY" " ELIJAH'S STOOL" etc etc on pretty much everything.
H doesn't like to throw anything away and although he is anal about some things, like socks and cups and is very clear in that we must not have too many! NO! TOO MANY THROW THEM AWAY!! HE has no objection at all to buying the most bizarre and ugly, also HUGE items at car boot sales and for some reason, almost every huge, ugly, useless item makes it's way into this bedroom.
I have 3 days to clear this room and day one has seen an enormous book case demolished and in the car ready for the tip tomorrow along with 3 black sacks of toys and clothes, 2 bedside cupboards and a very old, very ugly metal locker. OH SWEET JOY! It already looks great in there, all posters have gone, all nails removed, I am giddy with anticipation on the things we can achieve tomorrow.
I don't feel I am being sneaky, I know H cannot deal with the chaos that this kind of work entails. I am 100% sure that when we get home with him on saturday, he will be thrilled with the new room and will think it is all splendid, I also know that I would never be able to do it if he is here because he would be worried about it all, about why we should change that or throw that way and well aren't those beds perfectly good? So I am using these next 3 days to do what I know will work and will look wonderful and at last those 2 little gits have learned that they must not write on or scratch or hammer nails into anything anymore. I am confident that they will take better care of their new room and I might then be able to walk into it and not want to tear out my hair and weep with frustration.
I am a little overwhelmed with how much work there is to do but Sophie and Jordan have some time off work and have said they will help..wish me luck. I also have to try and find new beds ( new to us anyway) a new chest of drawers and a new bookcase..yikes.
I think I can, I think I can.
I love a challenge and I really love having that excitement of making something horrible look good.

Without H here I have some time to think about how lovely he is. I am wondering if he feels this way when I go away. I have been away a few times and he has been away two or three times but only for one night at a time. It feels strange to know he is away until Saturday, I want him to have fun and sleep well, to enjoy something different and remember that he doesn't need to always be here doing the same things all the time.
He loves the allotment and he is having a blast with the boys collecting creatures. They went on a night hunt for frogs on monday night. What a lovely time these little boys have with him. They went off into the night ( at 8.30pm PAST BEDTIME!! ) with wellies, fishing nets, flashlights and tubs and buckets. At 10pm I called them and asked if they needed a lift home. H said they were about done, very wet and would be in the car park at the lake/ park. I set off, went Via MacD's for some hot fries to warm them and drove to the car park. Oh it was so dark, pitch dark and I am so afraid of being out when it is dark, I made sure my doors were locked and noticed that there was another car in the car park, right over at the end I where I needed to be. I drove over and parked behind them ( not immediately behind but behind none the less) I noticed then that they moved, I thought they were leaving and then...hmmmmm they were behind ME! Then they started flashing their headlights. On off, On off. Uh oh, I thought, I don't like this, so I felt in my bag for my phone, couldn't feel it so I put my light on, whoops wrong switch, those are the headlights... on, off, where's that pesky interior light? Agh, stupid flashers....on off ...there it is, interior light on, find phone, light off, hit the stick with the headlights button on ...on whoops OFF! Turn the lights OFF.
Mr creepy in the car behind me then began a frantic morse code of flashing and more flashing.
I was convinced that I was smack bang in the middle of a drugs running deal that wasn't. I called H and told him to hurry up before I ended up with a boot load of crack or something, I was so happy when those little water filled wellybooted boys came running around the corner and they were so happy to see me, a warm car and some lovely hot fries.
Can you imagine my horror when I got home and told Sophie about those drug pushers at the park and she raised her eyebrows and said, quite simply "Drugs? Er, no."
That's all I am going to say about that except "ARGH!!!!!" What is this world coming to? Oh my good gracious there are some depraved people out there and I am so thrilled that a) that car drove behind my car so I couldn't see whatever was happening in there and b) I am so naive I hadn't clue what all that 'flashing' was about. I gave my brain a good rinse out with a chapter of glorious Dawn French and her blastingly funny book ' Dear Fatty' and put the whole shocking experience behind me.
What a lovely dad H is, what memories these little boys will have of the times they spend with him, every kind of splendid grimy, dirty, stinky kind of activity that they just adore doing.
I watched a show today about 2 families, one with 4 girls and one with 4 boys and the parents swapped children for a weekend. I watched the life the family of girls had and I knew then that the good Lord knew what he was doing when he gave me 5 sons and only one girl. I just don't get that whole ballet, dance class, nail varnish, hair doing thing. I have never enjoyed it and am splendidly surprised and thrilled that Sophie, somehow has managed to be suitably girly and fru fru-ey without my ever taking her to dance classes or spending hours letting her paint my nails or play with my hair.
I need these few days to appreciate the good that H is, the things that he does quietly without telling me. I need them to do some of the things that I love to do and feel I am getting something done, the way I like it done. I want to show H what I can do and how lovely this house can be. I need to like where I live again because I haven't felt that for such a long time.
I like missing H and remembering what I love about him and I am pretty sure he is enjoying missing me.

Phew, that was fun wasn't it? That little insight into my cheery disposition, I should probably take a spoonful of sugar ....only that's FATTENING isn't it? Doomed I tell you.
Last evening, I lay down on the sofa to get comfy and watch " Sleepless in Seattle," Love that movie and I had such painful legs and thought it best to face the TV with my mouth shut lest I vent any more of that pent up irritation, I did not pick up the floor full of paper cuttings that Eli and Isaac left behind when they went to bed, I left it there, spread all over the floor sneering at me and I lifted my gaze just high enough to not see THAT but to view lovely Tom Hanks and co in the lovely movie. It worked I thoroughly enjoyed the 12 minutes of the movie that I remember seeing and when I woke up at 1.12am to some infomercial or shopping channel or something I could scarcely believe I had slept so soundly for so long, on the sofa. Everyone was in bed and I decided to join them.
I checked email ( mistake, don't email people when you are half asleep, chances are you will be less tactful than you would like and more honest that you should be!) replied ( sorry!) and went to bed where I slept for another 6 hours.
10 hours sleep.
Wow. That's a really long time and for me it's like a sleep marathon. I have had a crunching headache for over a week and now that it's gone, I can see that the constant squeezing, pounding, throbbing misery might well have been the main cause of my foul temper.
I feel great that I got through the day yesterday without once picking or snacking and that I made really good, filling and wholesome food. Today it will be easier and I am hopeful that my next weigh in will show some progress again.
What I'm trying to say is HOORAY I feel a bit better.
I don't like feeling cross, I really hate feeling negative and I am the first person to jump on anyone for endlessly whining about how hard their lot is.
I'm all for the odd vent, nothing better than the occasional rant to clear the head and soul, it is annoying though when you read a blog and every post is the same, poor me, life is hard, woe is me. I think that's why I haven't been blogging too much because February is the PITS!
I am beyond excited to see March poking it's springlike head around the corner, I walk past my sad looking tubs outside and get a little glimmer of glee to think it is almost time to perk them up, weed them out and watch those little pansy heads start to appear. Any day now I will drive the back roads of Devon and see primroses and daffodils and life will be marvellous again.
Sophie will be in Boston in less than 3 weeks, I am so excited for her and although I would have a lovely time if I were going with her, truth be told I am more thrilled at the knowledge that I don't have to fly than I am envious of the fun she will have.
There was something about Sophie and Cathy together that makes me perfectly happy to take a back seat and just enjoy the fact that they have a relationship that is somehow just meant to be. More than a friendship somehow because of the age difference, Cathy can be to Sophie what I can't and between the two of us, I really think that Sophie has all the guidance and love she can ever need.
Yes, I am more than happy to send her off to Cathy for 20 years...oh I mean 10 days, give her my B of A card and a list for Target and wait for her to come home and make my ears bleed with details of every single fun thing they do together.
New York will never be the same and I am pretty sure that she will remember and retell every experience in minute detail several times when she gets home. Cathy also says she will call me every time they go anywhere which personally, I think is just being mean and rubbing my 'na na na na na you aren't here! 'nose in it! I'll be happy with Face Book pictures and updates and live through both of them.
I am really interested to be told how Sophie is without me around but with Cathy....different I am sure than if she were with her peers but more relaxed ( heaven help us all) than if I were there. I hope she is a little shy, just enough to ......oh forget it, I am just happy that she is going to have a glorious time, doing great things and being safe. Making memories that are hers, that she can share and think about and treasure ..to replace all those horrible ones that are fast becoming things of the past. So exciting. I am thrilled that I can honestly say there isn't a even touch a touch of envy in me when it comes to the friendship Cathy and Sophie have, I am just so happy that it is there.
Daniel is going to New York on monday.... such great kids I have and I am proud to say that I have taught them to do such great things even though I have always been so scared of flying, I have shown them that fighting through the fear is always so worthwhile, that being afraid is not a good reason to not do something. I love that my children are eager to up and go, to experience and enjoy what life has to offer them.
I am sitting here, 10.20am in my PJs, the sun is shining and I am going to get dressed and go somewhere to walk in this lovely weather, not a gentle stroll either, day 2 of making myself move, whether I want to or not because I DO want to feel happier, I want progress and I want to feel a sense of achievement, I do not want to feel like a snarling ogre anymore. It seems it is in my hands.