Hello? HELLO? Is this thing turned on?

I know, I am rubbishy rubbish at writing this thing now. I wish I cared more, I sort of care in a " my blog used to be so cool and people read it and I loved it, wonder what happened?" kind of way but I don't know, is it too last year to write a blog? Is my life so tedious it isn't worth recording anymore? Who knows, I come here, write for an hour, delete it and toodle off to Face Book where I can vent my woes or joys in a mere sentence.
Lazy, yet satisfying.
I think I still have things worth saying, I just find it more difficult to write them, I type and find myself drifting off to oblivion and let's face it, if I'm boring myself there's a pretty good chance anyone reading is going to lose the will to live and just click the X in the right hand top corner.
I ought not to care whether anyone else likes what I write but if I felt that way I would write in a journal and keep it under my bed. I used to like the comments and the google evidence that people were reading all about ME.
Everything I could write about has been written about before, we are living in a repeat of old happenings I'm afraid, most of it grumblingly dull and ' shut up and get over it for the love of interesting things to read!'-ish.
Actually, I am 48 now, that's newsworthy in itself because overnight I have become an old and grumpy person with opinions I find increasingly difficult to keep to myself. I wonder if I dare even voice them on here because some people might still read it and you can bet your life if anyone does still read this it will be those very people I complain about, sod's law that is!
My birthday was a blast. So much so that next year I am going away, on my own and will not be telling anyone in my ungrateful and selfish family where I am, that way, when I don't get so much as a sniff of an oily rag I can tell myself that it's because no-one knows where I am, not because they are all so bloody selfish and mean that they just don't care enough to spend time or money on me. Miserable buggers.
Nothing, well I say nothing, Sophie gave me a card, one she bought last year and forgot to give me and found under her bed, so moving to feel all the love that poured out of that, she shoved it on the mantle 3 days before my birthday for some bizarre reason, the sight of it there didn't nudge anyone else's conscience into following suit.
I was quite touched that Eli and Seth gave me a present each. All 3 boys love cars, it is the latest thing, 1:18 scale cars, supercars and fast cars and we spend many a happy moment looking at the online, we find them at carboot sales and I love this phase. When we look online I always ooh and ahhhhh over the classic cars, I love them. They laugh at me and say I am the female version of J.ames M.ay from T.op G.ear, apparantly he is an old classic car chap. So, on my birthday I came downstairs to find 2 of their cars, classic ones wrapped with my name on. Eli somehow skipped the paper and wrapped his car in tape, just tape...which was lovely because at least I got to feel as if I was spending hours unwrapping my birthday gifts, even if I had paid for them myself and knew what they were.
H, as he does, or doesn't, had nothing for me and half way through the morning asked if I wanted to go out and eat, I couldn't be bothered to pretend I was pleased to be honest, I told him I would rather order an Indian take away and he paid for it. That was that. Happy birthday me.
Jordan came round after work and put some cards through the door, he works til after 11 so I didn't hear him come. Dan called.
Funny that my birthday is the first out of everyones, the petty part of me feels like doing the same for all of them but I can't, I cannot let anyone's day pass with the slightest chance that they will feel so totally unimportant and uncared for, I would feel shame if I thought I had caused anyone to feel that way.
A few days after my birthday, after I had taken the boys to the cinema, we had been to the park and at 8.30 I told them it was time for bed, they cried and complained and all 3 of them were saying things like " you are so mean, you never do anything good for us, it's the summer holidays and we don't get to have any fun or stay up late, you are rubbish and mean" I lost it, totally lost it, that stinging hurt on my birthday was still very sharp and so I let them have it. I asked them if they had noticed who does ALL the birthday treats in this house, (for Eli's birthday we had a picnic and birthday cake with friends and the next day the cinema treat) they said that they knew it was me, then I asked them what had happened on my birthday and who had done anything special for me? I then told them that the day after my birthday I had had a card from my mum and she had out £10 in it and THAT money was what I used to buy their sweets and pop at the cinema and to hear them all saying how mean I was and how I never do anything for them made me very sad.
Sometimes I think that we, as mothers are too quick to believe we don't matter and too slow to remind people that we do.
I matter.
There, got that off my chest.
Stupid car is broken, I wonder how many times I have written that on this blog? I suppose it's what happens when you buy old cars. There is no way around it, we just have to get on with it and hope that we can find the money for the endless repairs. I have no idea what is wrong, if I go faster than 40-50 mph it judders and when I stop, the car stinks of burning rubber. I don't have the money to take it to the garage until next week, so we are staying close to home and using it as little as possible until then.
Same ole same ole.
Here's where I usually delete and scuttle back to see what people with lives have to say on FB....
poor old blog.

Very dull post. Very. Dull. With pictures.

Today was a looooooooooooong day. Not an unpleasant one but certainly one of those that has you checking the battery in the clock, in fact on wednesday H had one of those days and actually DID take the clock off the wall and began to change it because NO it CAN'T be only 4.30 in the afternoon, shut up. Today was my day for one of those.
I woke up at 7am when I had only gone to sleep at 3 and that was the beginning of how it all went.
What a lot we did though in this extraordinarily long day.
By 9am we had cleared the dog pooh/ Satan/ garden room, H laid the NEW CARPET that smells like NEW carpet, AND THEN i FRU FRUED AND ( WHO HIT THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON? dARNED FAT FINGERS!!) Anyway I played and twiddled and made it the CRAFT/ READING room, how bloody marvellous.
I love freecycle, lovely 7ft cream coloured couch, some cushions from the recycle center and new covers from my favourite curtain shop that sells great stuff for next to nothing ( don't you just LOVE shops that have a stack of bins outside filled with 4 for a £1 bits in and baskets with ribbon for pennies? I love this place and they love me because I go in there at least twice a week.
My reading room is a bit lovely and there is not even a sniff of satan in there anymore. I would take a picture but Jordan has my favourite camera and the batteries are dead in the other one.
We still haven't cleared all the halloween stuff away, can you believe it? It's almost cleared away and is at least in all the totes waiting to be put somewhere 'til next year but the totes are stacked in the kitchen, in the way. I think I may be clinging on to them because that's it for this year, no more decorating because at Christmas and the run up to it we will be away, on holiday.
I gave up on the phone calls to the travel agency, they kept telling me how busy they were and how they would get back to me... etc etc. I went shopping with Isaac and his dirty fingernails ( that I swear are clean at home and then ooze filth as soon as we are out and in public view) I walked past the travel agents and saw it was EMPTY, so I walked in and told them how excited I was that they were having such an unexpected slack moment and wouldn't it be great if we sat down and rebooked my hotel accommodation right NOW? SO that's what we did, we are now having 11 nights in the posh hotel and 10 nights at grandpa's and I am £734.10 richer thankyouverymuch. What a relief.NOW we can have some fun. The exchange rate is beyond fabulous for us at the moment too, $2.05 for every £1, double your money baby.
I had a melt down last night, always when everyone has gone to bed which is such a WASTE isn't it? What's the point of all that snot crying and hyperventilating when no-one is about to see it and pat your back and feed you chocolate. ( which is exactly what would happen in my dreams, but in real life....nothing, absolutely nothing except a startled look and a run for safety, I stopped even trying for sympathy a long time ago, found I ended up snot crying for whatever reason I was snot crying and then angry crying because does no-one give a damn in this house?? ) so I had a melt down and then cheered up because we have a time difference girls, that means that while everyone HERE may be sleeping, lovely friends in America are awake and ready to say all the right things and email me and sometimes even have a chat online. I love the internet. Also the lovely real people on the other end of the internet. I heart you all.
I am back to being itchy, darn it, last night and this today have been horrible, not helped by the fact that I am hopeless at remembering the meds in the morning. I take a variety of night time stuff so adding another one doesn't phase me but I have never taken any in the morning so I forget. Stupid to have forgotten today, part of the meltdown last night was that
' oh pleasedon'tletitbeflaringupagainohpleasenotagain!' thing, I am queen of the thinking the worst will happen for sure. Shame there isn't a prize for doing that because I would WIN for absolutely definite.

I told you about taking pictures for nice lady who paid me? What a palaver. We did the pictures in 3 stages, then I sat and did some editing and playing with them and today we ( meaning H) sorted through them, made new files, burned them and then he made ( he is so clever) sort of proof sheets so she can look and decide which ones to print.
I have not had fun doing any of it. The pictures are lovely, somehow the pressure of having been paid sucked the joy out and turned it all into SOMETHING THAT HAD TO BE DONE OH THE PRESSURE. So I hope she likes them and has fun getting them printed and stuff but also hope she does not recommend me to her friends! 10 days all in all to take, sort, edit and make ready. I don't think I will take it up as a career somehow!
I an not good at things that must be done. I just like to do things because I choose to do them, when it is a must..I turn into a sulking teenager like person and hate to do it and don't make me do it and you can't make me do it and oh all bloody right then I will do it. Like that.
Right, 11pm, still have much to do, better go and do it.
Am back.....took pictures because while I was procrastinating the batteries charged hoorah!
Reading room, all cosy and grown up looking, in need of pictures, curtains and things.

I am all unneccessary lately. If I were more uncouth I would say I hardly know my arse from my elbow, but I am the epitome of ladylike so unneccessary it is.
One minute up, the next down, one moment cup half full, the next, some bugger drank half my drink.
It is wet and grey and windy, suits my mood perfectly I suppose. Every now and then we get a glimpse of sunshine which reminds me that life is not all bleak and soon we can fill tubs with pretty flowers and feel fluffy and hopeful. We hope. Then it rains again, sideways ...in your face, which makes one feel hopeless and wet and very grumpy.
Shall I drag out some updates for you, assuming that you will care rather than lose the very will to live and hit the 'next blog' button?
Baby Coby is on his way back to our hometown, recovered enough not to need the marvellous yet far away childrens' hospital but not well enough to be home, in his moses basket surrounded by new baby things and adoring family, he will be in the hospital where he was born for a while until those tiny lungs can cope with all that breathing and stuff. Get well little man.

Sophie. Well, she is closer to leaving home, it is all confidential apparantly which is, I suppose, a polite way of saying mind your own business mother. Not easy to do but getting easier. I have spoken with doctors and teachers and spewed my guts and dirty linen so that everyone that matters is aware of what is going on should they hear from social services etc.
A couple of times I have been close to worrying that she isn't ready to move out and the good Lord has seen to it that she does something to show me that ready or not, it is time. I can only hope that she benefits from the help she is getting and doesn't shoot herself in the foot.

Ugh, see, flat writing, dreary soul.
Not sad though, I write well when I am sad, when I feel like this I bore myself.
H and I had a delicious lunch out today, no kids, we talked and planned what we should do with the boys, the great thing about having this 2nd chance is the ability to see relatively clearly where we need to change what we have done in the past.
The most important decision we made is that we can't wait til the boys are teens to start teaching them how to behave as teens. Right now is when we need to saturate them with how to be good people. Teach them now how to work well, serve each other and others. Good manners, faith in great things, respect and service.
If we can teach them how great it feels to accomplish even small things, that will stay with them.
H is going to contact an elderly lady at church, she lives alone and is Seth and Isaac's sunday school teacher. He is going to ask if he and the 2 bigger boys can go over and work in her garden, do any house repairs etc. Show them how great it is to work and help their teacher, how satisfying it is to do a good job.
Amazing how realising that there is no such thing as a day off in parenting has made a difference.
Everything takes on a new importance, the boys are like different children with the added attention, I'm not saying that we are spending every second entertaining them but little things like stories at bedtime, time taken to let them help cook and do dishes, seperate bathtimes so that each one gets that time to relax and chat with me. ( So much better for me too, that manic hour of throwing them all in together was misery!)
They listen more when we ask them to do something, they are more ready to help out and do as they are told. I do believe they are fighting less between themselves too although I wonder if the day will ever come when Isaac doesn't 'need' exactly the toy that Eli just chose or Eli want the very thing Isaac is playing with!

This is boring, I shall save you from me. I hope my brain works again tomorrow.