Are you ready for this?: July 2006

I need your help!!!

In 2 weeks time, Grandpa and Kara ( H's sister) are coming for a 3 week visit. Grandpa, of course has been several times and could care less what we do, he just wants to be with us and see the boys and soak up the whole being with family thing. Kara has NEVER been to England, she is exciting about seeing us all but is also SO excited to be coming to England.
So, if YOU were coming to visit for 3 weeks, what would be the kind of things you would be desperate to do?
Bear in mind that unfortunately, for us, cash is an issue. So hotels and endless tourist attractions are a no-go. We can afford maybe one night in London, so that gives us a full day of exploring. Eli will stay with gramma and so we will have Seth and Isaac who are fine with anything we choose to do.

What typically English things spring to mind for you that you would really HAVE to do / see while you were here?
What foods would you be desperate to try?
What kind of shopping would you want to do?
Would you want to go on buses and trains?
Would you want to see the countryside or Cities?
Old buidings? Cathedrals?

HELP!!!! I want to plan a flexible schedule and get some idea of when and how we will do things and plan a budget of sorts.......but I need to know what a first time visitor would be longing to do and see?
THANKYOU!!!

some suggestions so far...

yum, cream tea with scones, jam and clotted cream

cadbury's

chips ( fish and chips but she has to have a chip buttie too!!

lunch in a pub

Jordan......19, Hell- how did that happen?

Jordan is 19, a man, all grown up and still living at home.
He had a party thrown for him at work, we went for an hour or so, I took the boys because they have a play area, H declined because the first one was going to be there. As old as my big kids are now it is still possible to creep my kids out, just sitting at a table with their dad for a couple of hours did it.

I suppose they don't remember the times we would take them out together when they were little.....it was very good to sit and chat and realise that he is just a man who has screwed up, a lot. He can't hurt me anymore, has no power over me and ...well nothing.

It was hysterical at one point, we discussed the fact that Daniel is the same age Kevin was when we met ( Dear life, why didn't our parents lock us up screaming insanity when we told them we were getting married??!?) that made us feel a bit old, when Kevin got out his mobile phone and asked me to show him how to find
" that tape recorder thing" ( voice recorder) and I said ( whilst still looking at his phone, with a squint)
" I don't know, I'm not even sure what you mean...ask one of the kids, they understand all that stuff" I froze, held onto the need to pee whilst laughing and shrieked " Oh my GOSH.....we're OLD!!!"
He is like his dad, good old Ernie, who I used to love and sort of humour because he is boring and talks about how you get to places, which road to take and what the traffic was like....I hope he thought I was like my mum.
He commented on how quiet I was...must have been a new thing for him, I told him that I am almost always quiet these days, mellow ( or numb) who knows which.
I took pictures of Jordan and Sophie with him. They look so happy to be with him, so comfortable and at ease....or not
pppppttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhh!

How marvellous that he has gained a lot of weight and lost a bit of hair.
Equally marvellous that he is ( at last) seeing that the reason his life is the way it is, is because of how HE has lived it, says he may write a book, how not to live your life. I suggested he call it " Don't listen to a word I say "

I left Jordan at 5pm, there was were many many friends there and they had all bought him drinks, shots and beers and ciders and they were lined up at the bar. I have to shut off and tell myself that at 19 I have to let him do what he is going to do, I did stand amidst the throng, coming up to a dozen burly shoulders and after shaved chests, told him to be sensible, pace himself, enjoy the whole evening. they all thought I was sweet and a mother and humoured me. they also ignore me, as teenagers do when they are nearly not teenagers and are out in the big wide world and know everything.

( update.....Jordan arrived home, not drunk ( that's good) but beaten up ( not good) the problem with being big is that you get weasles who think it will somehow prove THEY are tough by beating up a big man...3 of them, 1 Jordan, black eye, swollen and hideous looking cheekbone and welts and grazes all over his back. My stomach is in a knot, I hate this deal where they think that nightclubs are the be all and end all, please let him get bored with this life soon. A nice girlfriend who wants the movies and dinner.......ack. )

Someone bought him a huge hammock, where that will go is beyond me! there were trendy clothes and every card seemed to have condoms stuck inside. YEGADS the youth of today, I am a sweet old mother who was looking at oversized water pistols and boxer shorts to get for him. *sigh* Bless him he was suitably embarrassed that I was there to witness such shenanigins, I was suitably laid back to not be embarrassed, resigned is how I feel I think.
Mothers can never imagine the day when they look forward to their little boys leaving home, until they are huge and as nice and loveable as they may be, there definately comes a time when those loveable boys should really be living elsewhere.

I think that before he is 20, Jordan's time will be here.
Happy birthday my boy.

OH!!!! guess what, my friend Julie Bo Bulie bought me some CROCS! For my birthday, she paypal'd me the money and told me to choose some, I wanted hot pink

or bright blue but come on, what could I wear with those? so I got me some Khaki ones, they will be here SOON I am so excited THANKYOU JULIE!! It took me ages to choose because there are so many colours....pretty colours, then I saw they had flip flop types and was almost sunk..but eventually the choice was made.
I am a bit into shoes and handbags ( purses for you Americans, purses here are what you call wallets or notebooks and I love those too) I walk by the handbags and stroke those big soft leather ones. I stand and hold the purses and see which one feels like it should be mine.
I saw a big, soft RED handbag last week. Bliss. Unimagineable not so long ago, me and a red bag! I didn't buy it but I did stroke it and imagine hanging it on my shoulder and filling it with all my stuff, my hot pink phone in the pocket.

I am becoming more and more girlie, never been a girlie girl in my life but good heavens if it isn't happening at the ripe old age of 44. I love bags and shoes and flip flops and more flip flops and bright colours. I am a new me. Lawks.
I can see me being one of those delightful women who start their lives when their kids are grown, wearing purple scarves and hippy skirts, I want handmade leather flats that show I am comfortable with the things I love and care not for what others think.
I already stand unashamed with goosepimples around buskers, I shall dance when I am older, should I hear a tamborine I will clap and hum. I intend to have found my joy and be unafraid to share it. I have my goals and they are good ones.

I am.

Awwwwww, look, my children ( 2 of them anyway) being perfect and all sort of arty. I am supermother, a roll of wallpaper some paints

They play so beautifully and are so quiet, concentrating and working and *sigh* I am such a good mother, how good they are. I shall pop inside and quickly pick up the hell mess that is the cutting and colouring task of the morning, just inside, shall hear them and soak up the sweet murmerings that are children happily and anxiously engaged in such a great activity, thought of by me, supermummy.

Oh bless, can hear they are having SUCH fun, the school holidays will fly by yat this rate, am happy, am perfect mother.

Actually, that sounds like a bit TOO much fun, what does Isaac mean " Ha! I harf spiderman harf hulk"? This is what he means

ACK! Am stupid stupid woman,( although don't lisp, why does it sound like I lisp, sound as stupid as I actually am) shouldn't be allowed to have so many children if I can't learn that they are NEVER sweet and safe left with paint and water and brushes and ........

hands and imagination and things.

Boys, have lots of them and am constantly taken in by the angelic faces and momentarily peaceful times ...and quite the dimmest mother in town. Am fun though and didn't even scream when they ( of course) grabbed every wall and door handle on the way to the bathroom, quite like boys, even if they are hellions and messy and LOUD.

Hope H fancies scrubbing down that front yard, looks like a homicide scene with bloody red handprints and dribbling red rivers from one end to the other.

Thankyou Gramma xxxxx

Thankyou for my Pirate party and the treasure chest, for walking the plank, for prizes, for our special pegs with bags hanging, for our swimming towels and our pirate names, for the treasure chests filled with chocolate money, for straws with pirates on and for paddling pools with palm trees.

I love you Gramma, and titty Leah ... you are so much fun and ......SO WRAPPED 'ROUND MY LITTLE FINGER, I am one lucky 'Lijah!!

The heat...the HEAT!

No pleasing some people, today I found myself wishing the weather wpoould break. ME! Wishing it would STOP being sunny. It's the humidity that kills me. Sooooooo grumpy when every movement makes me drip and sweat and huff and puff. Have you ever tried looking dignified when your hair is plasered to your head and you can feel the sweat beads sliding their way out of your scalp?

I really would love for it to be like this when grandpa and Kara come to stay, so a week or two of cooler weather and then back to summer for the 16th would be great.
there is so much to do here in Devon when the weather is beautiful.

Tomorrow my baby is 3. How did time past so quickly but was there ever a time when he wasn't such a huge part of my heart? He is growing so quickly and everyday he shows more of Seth's traits. He has the same quick mind and funny mouth. He is still so much my baby but his personality is developing at a rate that leaves me breathless. He was always so longed for, I somehow believe that he knows that and that's what makes him so sure that he is adored, and he is, wherever we go he draws people to him and he dishes out his gloriousness without reservation. What a joy to be his mummy.

I've missed my dad a lot today, and yesterday, he always woke me up on my birthday, calling to sing Happy Birthday.....the phone was ominously quiet yesterday. I still feel such disbelief about his death. I wonder how long that lasts? I've seen a
plethora of older men who walk like him , a foot splayed kind of walk with hands behind his back....its sometimes nice to see someone walking like that, sometimes it hurts. My lovely dad. Lucky me for having so many lovely memories of him.

Super smashing lovely.

What a lovely day. A lie in, kids to the park with H, lovely presents and flowers, lots of cards, delicious dinner and a personal handmade lovely thing from H that is better than any card I have ever had.
I'm sad it's over, which is a first.......Thankyou one and all.

And now for something completely different.

There is a huge part of me that is missing from this blog. a side of me not shown or shared ( except for the odd glimpse every now and again ). Extraordinarily, this part of me is somehow held back because I am embarrassed, well maybe not embarrassed but there is maybe a reticence there, a fear that by expressing my spirituality I might make another feel uncomfortable.
I have such strong beliefs, there have been many times when I have held onto my faith by the skin of my teeth, other times I have felt sure I could move mountains, it's always been there though. I am what I am because of the things I believe.
I'm a bit of a show off in the right place, never afraid to talk about the things that make my heart feel calm. I have read and read and searched and pondered, I have prayed and waited for answers and guidance, rarely disappointed.
I understand that our prayers are certainly not always answered the way we want them to be. I accept that, but I don't always like it.
So, why am I writing this today? Because I am coming back. This enormous part of me that has been quashed for years, through sadness and lack of understanding I have been reluctant to think or act or even acknowledge this part of my heart that used to take the most space.
I started going to church again after my dad died. When he was dying, in a coma that they kept saying he would never come out of, he DID regain consciousness, several times, long enough to tell us things that were important for him to say.
One day he said " 3 things, I have to tell you 3 things" it took him 3 days to tell us what those things were.
1. " don't let anyone touch that wiring in the loft" seemed a bizarre thing to say until mum had it checked out and the whole house was condemed. Poor mum, nearly £4,000 later it is safe and rewired.

2. Leah must get out and live her life. Dad had always had a hard time accepting that this beautiful girl, born with so many physical problems that she has fought through and baffled every doctor, can look after herself. At last, albeit on his deathbed, he realised that she is capable of so much more than he had given her credit for.

The last thing he said, in his list of 3 was ....
" Helen. Where's Helen"
" I'm here dad"
" Oh darlin'.....why aren't you going to church?"
" I'm too sad dad"
" why are you so sad darlin'?"
" I've been sad about Dan, I'm working through it and I am almost ready to go back "
" You don't ever need to be sad about that boy, he is a good boy. Go to church. You have to go to church."

So, because I am obedient and because I know that he had already been out of this life, seen what was on the other side and I truly believe he knew more than I do, I went back to church. It has been difficult for me. The church I go to isn't a sunday church, no living your life 6 days a week and going to a building on sunday to say hello and gain forgiveness, come out and go to the pub and then clean the car. It is a way of life, a commitment. I believe it, have loved it and feel it so strongly that my breath is held at times. I stopped going because it makes me feel The hymns make me cry, the talks and lessons hit me hard. I can't make myself feel worthy, or able. I want to be all, know all, be perfect, be an example, shine. In sadness I haven't shone, or felt, or shared. Sad me, empty me.
I have searched, I thought, for the answer. Knowledgeable me, clever me, showoff me... it HAS to be there somewhere, I should know what to do, where to go, how to find happiness and peace of mind...WHERE IS IT???

Today, Seth had a talk to give in primary, primary is for children aged 3-12, they learn and sing, they are taught basic principles about the Gospel, who Heavenly Father is, who Jesus Christ is and how important we are to them.
Seth's talk was on prayer. I spoke to him about prayer and when we pray ( before meals, at bedtime, as a family, when we are sad, when we are grateful, when we are sick etc) I got a good idea about his thoughts and set about writing a short talk for him to read.
I found my answer. I know what to do. It is so simple, in searching for that great and evasive answer, I missed what was right before my eyes.

In writing Seth's talk I wrote
" when we are sad, we can pray and ask Heavenly Father to help us be happy"

BINGO.

"Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7)

I have never, quite simply, asked that I can be happy. I know for sure that it won't be a case of praying and getting off my knees filled with the Joy of the world, I don't suppose I shall skip downstairs with a song on my lips and an unabiding love for the whole of mankind. I do believe though, that if I ask , I will begin to know what I should do to be able to feel all the joy I know is there.

I will find a way to let go of the last pieces of misery and bleakness dumped on me by other people.

Just lately, for want of something else to be a freaky headcase about, I have been reliving the years of aloneness following my first marriage. All those things he dumped on me, filled me with growling hatred and such low esteem the gutter has been my ego's companion.
It is beyond time to dump this last gut full of blackness. I'm positive that once that is gone, I will be free, all clean and empty, ready to fill up with the good stuff. My cup runneth over, shame its with festering pond water, time to tip it out, rinse and fill up with clear sparkling water. I hope that this means the latest holding on will go.
When I am in the midst of a mental hiccup, holding tight to the feelings I am accustomed to, I hold onto to everything else. My whole being is taught, held tight and refuses to let go.
I pee in tiny dribbles, I am constipated, I rarely cry. My weight stays the same.
My stomach is in knots, my head and neck are stiff. My legs spasm, I don't sleep. I am a coiled spring.
I have had 3 weeks now of being like this because I think I am afraid to let it go. I have been anyway. Now I am ready. Hold me back I'm going to spew it out.
The great thing is, I am so competely sure that this IS the last hurdle, the final countdown, there isn't anything else for me to deal with. Can we breathe a collective sigh of relief? Oh, alright, maybe wait until I've actually expelled the demon, party time then.
Talking of parties, tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY. Maybe I haven't mentioned that.

Individuality......

....sometimes very overrated.

And just looking at these pictures, can you hazard a wild guess which one is causing the most trouble today?!?!?

Just what the doctor ordered!

Look at these buildings, some of them 17th century, heaven.

This one is of the corner shop...filled with homemade cakes and local ice cream ( that I ate NONE of thankyou very much)!How beautiful is it??

Today I spent some time with my sister julie and two friends who I have known since forever. We went to a beautiful village and had a pub lunch, walked 'round the village and I took pictures but only had my phone...so they aren't too good.You can see just how beautiful it is though, how lucky am I to live so close to all this?
I loved being with these women too and we are going to try and make it a weekly thing. There is nothing quite so glorious as being with people who have known you for most of your life and still like you!
One lady ( see that Debs? LADY!)...Debs, has just moved here, we lived in Plymouth at the same time and the 4 of us used to have themed sleepovers, oh my the fun we had! Debs moved to california for a while but, like me, realised that this place is the place to be. England is just so 'home' and as great as the states are, if you belong here then this is the place to be, we have an extra bond now in that we both appreciate this country and all it offers even more than before. She is incredibly funny too and it's impossible to be with her and not laugh, she has the ideal for me, type of humour...irreverant and witty. Welcome home Debs...so happy you are here and we can have fun again!! Oh, I was the youngster there too, the other 3 are grandma' GRANDMA'S!! So weird, one minute we all have little people and the next they have little people of ther own. ARGH!

The school holidays have begun, 6 weeks of no school. We think we have it planned and in theory we are in for a great time but I do know these boys are going to need keeping busy or we'll sink without trace!!
H wants to take them on hikes once a week, I am going to do the beach ( that gives us both one day a week each to breathe and rest our ears!!) we'll do one trip that means an entrance fee, the zoo, living coasts, theme park etc, a couple of days close to home in the park etc. Grandpa is here for 3 weeks...it'll be a doddle. HA!!
Also in the next few weeks we have birthdays..LOTS of birthdays
Mine...monday
Elijah ...wednesday
Jordan....friday

Then in August
H..9th
Isaac...10th
Seth.. 22nd
Daniel 25th

Dan is 21 next month, I am the mother of a 21 year old man. Yeegads!!!
An expensive and exhausting few weeks but then its all done and dusted until Christmas!!

So easily placated.

I am SO easily pleased. Presents. Easy. Buy me stuff, I don't care what, just presents, show me you have thought of me. Take me to lunch, sit and talk to me, make me smile, tell me nice things. See? HAPPY ME! I perhaps should have made it known just how shallow and materialistic I really am before now, keep the presents coming if you like the happy me. Simple.

Jordan bought me a phone today, all 3 of the big kids clubbed together and bought it and he picked it out today. I knew he had been to get it and so he gave it to me today......

Look, all new and shiny and PINK. BRIGHT PINK, as requested, girley and mine and a bit complicated. I shall play with it later and choose ring tones and work it all out. It has video and a camera and the internet and I suspect I shall use it twice a week to call home or check on sophie and never work out how to video or anything but I love it and shall feel all sort of hip and happening when it rings in public because it is a bit hip and trendy.

H and I went for lunch, had a nice lunch and looked at each other and even talked. Lordie. He didn't break or melt or give up the ghost. He actually enjoyed it and told me that I think too much and he is perfectly happy with me. That's good then.
His dad and sister are coming next month for 3 weeks, I am so excited. Kara and I didn't get to know each other when I lived in the states but we have forged a nice relationship by e.mail lately and I am looking forward to showing her around and getting to know her better. Grandpa we know and love and we can't wait to show him England in the sun. they are going to Paris for a few days too....I am staying here with the 2 youngest bugglets, Seth will go and have fun and tell us all about it when he gets home.
Hooray that grandpa brings with him mac n cheese and melty mints...not to mention Dial soap and thos revolting circus cookies that are pink and whit and have bitty bits on them, the kids adore them ..no accounting for taste!!

Isaac got cat poo on him at school yesterday, some stinking cat had pooed in the grass on the playfield...ewwwwww, bad enough in itself but for hin it was the worst nightmae, he made the ears of the collective school bleed until we picked him up. He wouldn't change into his P.E kit at school so we took him and changed him ......now he is afraid of his shorts and school shirts, I threw the offending catpoo shirt in the bin but he cares not, the very sight of a similar one had him in hysterical melt down so he wore long trousers and long sleeved shirt today. It is in the high nineties with humidity of SEVENTY NINE PERCENT!! I am not alone in the sweatng department today and he came out of school with glue ozzing out of his pores. Poor boy. I told him again that the poo shirt is in the bin and showed him his shorts are clean and never had poo on, I hope he wears them tomorrow for the last day of school!!

I didn't get to sleep AT ALL last night, thats bad even fr me, at 6am I fell asleep and woke up because of Isaacs don't make me wear cat poo clothes fit at 8.15...Oh tired me. Its early now and I hope that tonight I can be a normal person and sleep.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Ppppttttttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Just blah.

Head is stupid, can't really think straight about anything. One minute I feel I know just what is happening, what I feel, the next I know I have it all wrong, am imagining things.

I do know that I don't feel happy. I know I feel more lonely than I have ever felt.
I can see happy things, appreciate that they are good, understand that all is not bad or sad.....i just can't seem to feel that good, or that happy.
I hate that so much depends on how others are. I hate that I rely on other people to cheer me or show me I am worthwhile. When you get that way it is inevitable that you will be disappointed. I try to make my own joy now, but after so long denying that I am even worth some good times, its hard to begin.

I am surrounded by so many great people, people I know I can enjoy and share good times with but somehow I feel frozen. It's so hard to talk, I can sit here and write but when I open my mouth to have even the least of conversations my mouth won't let the words out, I know that I must seem rude, or stupid. I imagine people will stop even trying soon when they say a cheery hello and I look at them and mumble, or stammer. When I do talk, I forget what I am saying before I even finish. I ask a question and when the answer comes I panic because I forget what I just asked. Bloody hell.....great company! Anyone want a date???

I see Jan tomorrow and I'm even dreading that....she must be sick of listening to me and she gets paid to do it. God bless her though she never makes me feel as if she is losing the will to live as I drone on and answer my own questions, I leave every week just knowing I have all the answers and hells teeth, aren't I amazing because I worked it all out myself. Sodding idiot, maybe tomorrow I will shut my damn mouth and let Jan tell me what to do.

I'm fine, in fact skipping when I leave that lovely peaceful room, all the way home. That whole journey I am just as life should find me.....shame then that it's next door but one, the doctors office.
Ahhhh, home, the place where all is made well. Lovely house, the house of my dreams. It was before we filled it with people hell bent on making my life intolerable.
Two toilets. WHOOHOO, Remember how excited I was about two bathrooms? TWO seats to wipe pee off, why does NO-ONE know how to flush in this house? Why can't they pee IN the toilet? The older they get the more they pee OUTSIDE the toilet.

Socks. Why do they take them off in the front room and just dump them? Little socks, BIG socks, black socks, white socks. Sophie has 3 million pairs of socks but that's not enough because it's so hard to put them in the wash, she wears the boys socks, and my socks, wouldn't dare wear H's socks ( yet) but she doesn't seem to wear shoes, so all these socks are so stomach churning.....grey and bubbled bottoms to her 3 million pairs of socks, which are on the floor of course.

Rubbish. I am the bin emptier, me, just me. H empties the kitchen bin and puts the bag on the balcony outside Jordan's room...where they stay until I heave them down the rickety and horribly steep steps outside. The recycling bin is a nightmare and as I tyoe ( at 2.43am) I haven't sorted it and they will be here at 7am tomorrow. Boxes overflowing in the kitchen, cans and bottles mixed in with it all. I am living on the edge, I'm not doing it today, bugger it all. How devil may care of me. Will anyone care? will anyone be shocked into helping out? Nah...it'll be me that gets buried alive before they come to collect in 2 weeks. Ha, I really am showing them aren't I?

Lollies. Saviour of us all in this heat, fruit lollies, ice cream lollies, bought and stored by me, for all( except me, martyr that I am) Bloody wrappers all over the place and EMPTY BOXES IN THE FREEZER. Empty boxes. Why is it easier to put an empty box back in the freezer, fridge, cupboard, floor when the bin is RIGHT THERE? I've even put a sticker on the bin that says BOXES / Glass/ cans. Ideal, you would think, why then, is it that the only thing EVER put in that particular, recycling bin by anyone other than me, happen to be YOGHURT POTS? Usually with half a yoghurt still in it?

I was going to write about shoes, you know that are never in the shoe cupboard or even together, in a pair in the middle of the floor...how does one shoe get to be in the bathroom and one in the dining room? HOW? I was going to write about shoes but it annoys me so much that I would be awake another 3 hours steaming about it so I'm not writing about that.

Instead I am going to do a bank balance and really relax. Ha!

See? Told you!

Admit it......you would never imagine THIS was England would you?

This was after school, can it get better than this? Play in the cool park with the water sprinklers, then cross the road to the ice cream shop, and sit and look at the sea.......Happy day.

Where Am I?

You heard me..where am I? It's really REALLY hot here. Beautiful, bright, hot sunshine, waiting outside Seth's classroom for him to come out today I could feel the sun eating my feet. This is heaven for me except for the lack of air con. The Co-op up the road has it, the teeny little shop that sits amongst a few houses, used for those necessities forgotten at the big stores THAT DON'T HAVE AIR CON! I forgot about the co-op's delicious cool air until I popped in to buy a newspaper this morning. On my way to Jordan's work I bought a paper so I could sit on the squashy leather couch, drink ice cold Orange juice, eat a bacon baguette and read. On my own. Heaven enough but to buy said paper whilst being blown upon by cool air.....nirvana indeed.
Nowhere else has it. It's miserable, stand in line at the bank and either melt or flap a pamphlette in front of your face like a menopausal maniac ready to combust.
Wait to pa for your 73 boxes of ice lollies and a loaf of bread in Tesco and try not to 'ffoooof' some air out of your mouth onto your brow, because a) it doesn't work and b) you're making yourself look unbelievably ridiculous. For nothing.

My babies are like little foreign people. They are foreign people admittedly, Isaacand Seth anyway, Eli is as british as Beef, funny how he is the darkest and the most foreign looking. Most everyone is looking healthy these days, unaccustomed as we are to this level of summer, we do seem to have caught on to the idea of sunscreen. Gone are the days of coconut oil and almost nudity at the very promise of no rain, never mind sunshine. Mothers unite in their smothering of offspring in thick and water resistant white greasy stuff to prevent skin cancer. My children are making the locals look a bit poorly. Today the park was all but empty, a mere 10 or so children trying to have fun but not, just whining and begging for ice cream because it was TOO HOT!!! Blimey.

My plants are very dead. In comparison to last years floral delights, we have only a couple of tired looking pots. Dead looking actually. Brown and crunchy and leaning to the left.

WE have fans pointing at us 24 hours a day, I love fans, even in winter I have mine by my bed, if I can't feel moving air I think I'm not breathing. Lovely cool air, windows open and the smell of summer nights. I love it. Wish I didn't sweat so much. I have given up on the staright hair look for now....the humidity here is ridiculous, straighten hair, stand up, sweat, frizz.......some things have to be admitted, curly hair in this heat is inevitable, quite nice to not bother at the moment.

I find it hard to eat well in this heat. So easy to just eat a sandwich and some crisps, a bag of chips at the beach, ice cream and more ice cream. I'm doing it though...sticking with it. I am proud of myself. I am beginning to believe that this IS it, this time I WILL do it.
Oh OH..I bought a swimsuit. ME...haven't worn it yet but good old ebay, there it was , low legs almost sort f shortie looking and tummy panel, not too much fat back showing either. And its not purple, or pink or flourescent green. WHY???? After my last post about swimwear, I sort of made it my goal to find a good one....every lage suit I have seen has been so garish and so VIVID I have been flumoxxed. WHY??? Do the makers of large lady swimsuits think to themselves...." HA! this'll teach 'em, if she thinks she can be seen in a swimsuit, fat as she is, lets make sure she is SEEN, make it dayglo, make it scream out to be oggled and stared at. SHOW UP THOSE BULGES LYCRA!!!! Come on lady, squeeze your floppy bits into THIS and try and be unnoticed." Sheesh as if life isnt hard enough. Mine is a subtle blue, not navy, not sky..just blue, sort of ink blue. Perfect. Just need to courage to actually put it on and try not to look at myself and see my farmers tan.....I am SO clever, even when I eradicate several worries at once I can still fnd another reason not to wear it.

So, its nearly 1 am, still as hot as hell's kitchen but I am going to try and go to bed and dream of swimming in a cool pool with no audience.

Oh...one more thing, we got the boys school reports this week ( only once a year here, something of an occasion) I love Isaac's teacher..so tactful....

" recently, Isaac has begun to talk to staff on an irregular basis. I am aware that Isaac is far more able than we are able to ascertain at the present time" 4more days of gentle reception and then he will be in year one, big playground, lunch in the big hall.......what will ife be like for him I wonder. We will see in September. 6 weeks of no school. Watch this space. When they go back in September Eli will go to playschool.....life is passing to fast, what WILL I do with all the peace and quiet, clean this house perhaps?!?!

The boy is just too sharp!!

Honestly, Seth is so sharp it cracks me up, tiny little boy of no more than 32lbs, half the size of his classmates, little glasses that have to be ordered as his head is so tiny, but the brain is ENORMOUS, and he is so funny!

This morning we got them suited and booted ready for church, H just had to get his shirt and tie on, I was completely unready. I leftthe three boys sitting watching Tv with cereal ( they love to munch on dry cereal, H gave them the whole boxes, seemed a bad idea but I was in a hurry)
When I came down 5 minutes later Eli had tipped 2 whole boxes all over the floor. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! H came in with a dustpan and brush and said

" *sigh* Oh Seth, isn't it a shame that we can't leave cereal open in a room with......" and nodded his head in Elijah's direction.

Without even blinking, Seth sighed right back and said
" I know, you just can't get the parents these days can you?"

Can't watch this without smiling.

Amazing.

Incredible 11-Year-Old Yodeller - video powered by Metacafe

and this one.......this child is So talented......WOW!!

Amazing 11 Year Old!!! - video powered by Metacafe

Fuss, with a capitol F, please.

I am still here....i think with the sunshine and Big Brother ( which is a bit gripping here lately) and the very idea of my birthday in 10 days, I haven't been updating like a mad blog updating obsessive person.
10 Days and I will be 44. I haven't ever made a big deal about my birthday since I was a little bit of a girlie ( and I was one of those once, honestly) but this year I want it all. Fuss with a CAPITOL F. Presents and breakfast ( or slimfast) in bed, cards and more presents and dinner out with H. I have told my children that I NEED a new phone, a skinny little cell phone that flips or slides. They are a bit sort of gobsmacked and I don't think they believed me because I always say 'don't worry about me' ( and they don't damn them). It's sinking in that I mean it though, it won't hurt them to pamper me for one day, will it? H is vey poor at birthdays, everyones' birthday not just mine, I am going to start working on him tomorrow. I feel the need for Fuss. Lots of it.

I have been having a miserable time lately with my head, having made such huge strides and getting so much better, to have this big backslide has been a wallopping great blow. I have had thoughts of hurting myself, not suicidal thoughts, cutting myself thoughts. I don't do it, but I want to. I understand the workings of a self harmer's mind. I am ( thankfully ) too worried about the fact that people would know if I ever gave in to the cutting urge. I pinch, hard. It does stop the pain in my mind but gives no relief. I am told that this is all part of the fact that I am feeling, after so many years of not experiencing any kind of emotion, now they are coming back they are all kind of exploding and for a while it might be overwhelming. It most certainly IS overwhelming and I can't say I like it, not even a bit.
So...here comes a day that is heralded as one to be celebrated, the day of my birth......so I need to be shown that these people are glad I am here. The trouble is, my birthday is 2 days before Eli's whose is 3 days before Jordan's...it's always lost and passed over somehow. Why do I care so much that this year it isn't?
I think it's just because there has been a lot of sadness, any reason for some fun and especially fun centered entirely around me, well BRING IT ON!

As hard as it is for me to take in the fact that I am almost 44...I really can't believe my baby, the Eli boy is almost 3. Still in nappies, we are trying to get him potty trained but the boy isn't for training. " Hey, I got big boy underpants, I do a wee in lem, wight now"
" No, wee in the potty, you'll get a lolly"
" No fantyou, I doin' a wee in neese pants....SEE? I did it, wight der, ona floor See it?"

I'm not sure what one does with such blatant disregard for lolly bribery, such lack of respect for brand new, Bart Simpson boxers, I'm tempted to beat him at his own game and forbid him to use the potty. Keep him in nappies. That'll show him.

Hey, it's midnight.....now it's only 9 days til my birthday....did I mention my birthday?

Whatever happened to baby Jane?

My sister is very pretty, beautiful eyes especially.....she took her dog for a walk, awwwwwww......in the countryside, where the breeze blew gently and the flowers swayed in the wind. Blowing the pollen about, as it does. Into peoples' faces, people who perhaps have allergies and stuff.....

She should be in the movies...is it a coincdence that she is called Jane? I think not.... now we KNOW what happened to baby Jane!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!

Her son took these pictures, he did a good job seeing as he was almost weeing himself from laughing ( such compassion we have in our family!!) She said she is a bit better today.....I hope so, it beggars beief that she could get any worse!!
Poor Jane.

Mummy called the doctor, the doctor said.....

That I am definately losing the plot. Actually she didn't, she's far too kind and professional and tactful, I said it though.

I am weirder than a weird thing, or person. I don't understand myself actually and feel infinite sympathy for those around me having to try and live with me without losing their hair or patience or minds even.
I was so good at bottling stuff up. I could look people in the eye and have rational conversations without them having any idea that inside I was screaming. I functioned and dealt and managed, without a problem. Why then, now, can't I get through a week without having so many emotions and varying moods? It would seem that now I have begun to feel, have let some of the stuff out, I can't stop.
I know some of you read the post I did about H. you left some comments and they were sweet. Thankyou. I deleted the post because it was mean. The things I wrote are my problem and not actually H's ....he is as he has always been. He is solid and loyal and infuriating and my husband. Never before have I had someone so 'here' for me that I have felt safe enough to let rip. Whatever it is that I am going through, I hope it is the beginning of the end. ( anyone else as confused as me yet? seems only fair as you're reading my blog!) Actually, I hope it is the end, forget the beginning of it!!
Medication isn't an option to get me ( and this family ) through this latest phase of recovery, we have to ride it out,I will be having more, rather than less, therapy to help me talk it out.
I suppose I should write more here about the real stuff that is happening, but somehow I just feel that for it to be happening is enough....why would I want to sit and write about the pain, I talk about it with Jan and that is enough. I wish I hadn't written such mean and hurtful things about H, but I did. In one of my down moments, I let out some of the deepest pain that isn't focused on the right place, or the right person. I am muddled and befuddled and am working to get all this put in the right place, feel better and put the bad behind me.
while this s all going on, H is here, being the same and being calm ( for the most part!!) he is letting me sleep when I need, go out when I like and pretty much do what I need to do, when I need to do it. He's a good man.
All I can say is that right now, it's a day by day thing. One day I can feel so bad that I can't imagine or remember feeling good, the next day I can wake up and not imagine ever feeling sad....it's a rollercoaster and I've always hated those.
When I feel the hatred and the misery it is so real that it consumes me, when it's gone I can see how whacky it all is.
I think I'm writing this because there are other people who feel the same. Maybe those people don't have an H, perhaps they go through this without someone patting their back or putting a cool hand on their neck...I'm sorry for those people.
I still think I will be better, I'm just learning that it's a two steps forward 3 to the side with nervous tic thrown in kind of recovery.
I do have much to be grateful for and I am grateful, I mean.....how could I look at this

and not be happy?

I am also incredibly grateful to be living here and have this care and help available to me without worry of costs. That's a huge deal, I've been without health care and it's scarey, no-one should have that fear on top of everything else life throws at us!

I wish they didn't keep telling me how exercise helps, how those natural endorphines will kick in and make me happy. As if the pressure from that bloody treadmill isn't enough. I'd rather have drugs please. How often do I need to say it, hmmmmm nice mellow making tablets and a cup of cocoa - or running to nowhere dripping in sweat? Hard choice. Not.

Sports day.

For some reason, every year I sort of feel as though going to sports day is a punishment, I dread it. When I get there I remember just what a joy it is. Little people all charging about and cheering each other on. Everyone that is, except Isaac who was frozen in terror at the whole idea. The crowds and noise was the very epitome of nightmare for Isaacand to be expected to actually walk, RUN, jump or hop in front of them, even sit on a row of benches, was horrific to him. I held his hand and sat next to him ( Ok so the bum is smaller but those chairs are made for little tenny 5 year old bottoms, not ones the size of mine!!) as the afternoon went on he let me run and watch Seth and come right back and twice, he joined in, once on a weird sort of contraption the likes of which I have never seen and once with the parachute that they hold and shake and run under--he didn't run of course, just held and then remembered that there were people there and they were WATCHING and sweet heaven let me escape.........
Seth was in his element and in true Seth fashion he threw himself into it with such joy and vigour. Here are some pics of my sports day boys!!

Waiting........

Oh.....OH! Too scarey, too many people watching and crowds and noise, I want MUMMY!!

Everything was just too much, he just rooted his feet and wouldn't move, until he saw THIS, now THIS is just too much fun and it wasn't a race so no cheering and yelling....

It was kind of hard to keep track of both boys with one camera and one me...but I did catch the Seth Meister in one of his races! H was waiting for Eli to wake from his nap, I thought he missed it but he was there, didn't see me with the reluctant one....I was so happy to see him and the Elijah boy at the end.

And he spun a plate!