OK baby!

See that over there...to the left? NO DAYS TO GO! That means you can get born. Now, if you please. We don't do late around here, tardy gets you in trouble and that's no way to start a life here now is it?
I wonder what you are thinking, tiny and new and just growing where it is safe and comfortable, so soon to be in this loud world with all it's challenges.
So many people waiting to welcome you...at midnight I got a text from your daddy that said " OK, he's due now, he can come out and let us start being parents and grandparents" We are so ready little boy.
Today as I was driving I passed the hospital where you will be born, your great grandpa, " papa" died there just 2 years ago and every time I pass that hospital I cry inside because I remember how sad we were when he left. Today I drove past and I imagined how next time I see that building, it will be when I drive your mummy and daddy there to meet you.
Sweetest baby, before you are even born I love you. I imagined holding you and kissing your face, smelling that divine new baby smell and feeling all the power and promise that you will bring with you and I cried for a whole different reason, soon that overbearing building that holds such sad memories for me, will become a place that will always mean that you are here.
I long to see if you are like your daddy, with his incredible sense of humour, with his long skinny legs and his huge hands, or your mummy with her beautiful blond hair and her gorgeous big eyes. I am pretty sure that you will be the sweetest and most placid of boys, with parents like you have ,you can't help but be a joy to know, both so kind and gentle, apt to laugh and see the good in people. Both were quiet, sweet babies who gave no trouble, sleeping and eating, smiling and ever happy.
You are going to be a lucky boy, planned and wanted and hoped for and adored from before you even began. You have 2 parents who are young and full of energy, who laugh and enjoy every kind of fun, they are people who have so many friends, everyone loves to be near your mummy and daddy and they love each other. I love to be with your parents, to watch them be so kind to each other, they are considerate and thoughtful one with another and they both can barely wait to see you.
Before you began to be, I used to say how when I was a grandma, Nana, Oma, nanny, I wasn't about to be a babysitter, I have had six children, done my share, been there, done that. I would look on and love, kiss and walk away and enjoy knowing that this was not my work to be done.
Already how things have changed, I have never loved the way I already love you.
I secretly hope that sometimes you keep your mummy and daddy awake at night, they both love to sleep...they can sleep til lunch time without any trouble and I am pretty sure that they will be shocked to learn how little tiny people can keep great big people up, for hours and hours and hours, allowing just enough sleep to avoid catastrophe and then WAKE UP!!!!! Again and they don't understand how one tiny person can cause so much fear..what is wrong? What can I do? What did I do wrong? Where does it hurt? WHY WON'T THAT CRYING STOP? And I am secretly hoping that sometimes they will long to sleep and rest and they will ask me to have you, just for a while so I can just soak in your splendidness.
Oh little boy, won't you come now? Aren't you ready yet? So long we have waited and we are so ready for you.
The whole world is waiting, right here where you will live there are so many people waiting, from your patient and uncomplaining mummy and your funny and impatient daddy, to our house with your noisy uncles who write you letters and talk about you every day.
Your other Nana is in Turkey waiting to hear that you are born and she will be on a plane to meet you.
People in America and Canada, ask me every day if you are here yet, buying presents and wishing you here.
It doesn't matter what you look like, it won't matter a bit whether you are big or small or smart or funny....you are loved just because. Simply because you are.
We long to see you and hear you, to know what you will be named. We will take pictures and love you, laugh and cry and when I hold you, I will whisper in your ear that I know where you come from and why you are here.
I promise to be near whenever you need me, when mummy and daddy are tough and teaching you, I can just love you.
When mummy and daddy have to show you who's boss I will show you who's nana.
I don't have to teach you or show you, I can just cuddle you. I will teach you what family is, I will show you what love means, I will remind you just how much your parents love you right when you think they don't care at all. When they have to stand firm I will be here and I will be the voice that reminds you what parents are for, I will tell you stories about your daddy that will remind you how great he is.
Grandpa H will teach you many things, he knows stuff,so much stuff your head will spin and he will show you, he is patient and he is so kind, he makes adventures and he gives places names, you won't ever just go to the park, you will go to the train park, the duck park, the wilderness and the magic forest. Your little legs will run behind these uncles of yours as they continue to go on hikes with your grandpa H, you will be so welcome and such an honoured guest.
Will you just be born now? Even though it must be scary to know that life here is waiting, the noise and the brightness and all these unfamiliar new things, but you, little boy will never be alone, will never know anything but love and safety because we're all here waiting.
I wonder if your papa will bring you, if he is holding your hand and telling you what fun you will have here on earth with our family. I know that he knows you and I am so sure that he will watch over you as he watches over us.
We're waiting for you precious boy and we are so ready to meet you and show you just how much you are loved already.
So much love little boy, from Nana Hxxx

Smashing!

Yes, it's been one of those days. Typical when you have young boys, the kind where you hear yourself saying the same thing over and over again, things like " NO! Not there, do not play there, it is not a place to play...cars on the floor please....the mantle is not a good place for toys!" or "What are you doing up there? Get down!!! How dangerous! What are you thinking??" and yet, even though you say these things again and again, no-one hears, just you, your own voice echoing in a wasted and hopeless fashion.
Take for instance, the mantle, the one behind Elvis , I mean Elijah in the picture.



Yes that one that has a line of Egyptian Gods on it, placed there by Seth because he likes to look at this collection and arrange them and rearrange them and bring them back down from his room ( where the tidy up fairies put them during the night) and puts them back here in front of that big picture with the GLASS frame, that is not hanging on the wall yet, we have only been here 4 months and I haven't actually said out loud to H " can you hang that picture please" because I am too busy saying "don't play on the mantle do you want that picture to fall on your head?" So it hasn't been hung yet.
Very early this morning, while my head was pounding and I was wishing that I was still asleep, I began the get away from the mantle conversation, the mailman brought an exciting parcel today, a big box filled with the most glorious collection of HORRIBLE HISTORY magazines, time lines, and a box so stuffed with info cards that Isaac's eyes almost popped out of his head. An Ebay find of such wonder that we were shaking with excitement ( me because a whole hour passed with little boys reading history books, in silence) However, the tin filled with cards brought a unanimous response from Seth, Isaac and myself.... " Elijah must never get his hands on this tin" we said. We must be careful to keep this where that boy can not get it and pull all these millions of cards out, they are all in order, which pleases us, to find them spread all over the house would be very sad, we must avoid that at all costs.
So...Isaac, in his lack of wisdom put the tin on the mantle and to make sure Eli the card tipper outer could not reach them, he pushed them, hard..to the back of the shelf and I think I have never heard a sound like that picture crashing onto his head, in my life. It all happened to slowly I may have had time to grab my camera and snap a shot of the glass smashing and the look of abject horror on Isaac's face , but I didn't of course. So that was how the day began and it carried on pretty much like that, all day, all the live long day.
Like when they were playing in our tiny little back yard, at the back of the house and yet...they kept coming in the FRONT door..how so? What on earth? Hmmm, bizarre. Eventually, of course, because I am a great mother, I went to see how this was happening. Shall I show you??

Ooh Ladder


Hmmmmm, quite a steep drop there, over the other side, onto the ROAD...into the NEXT STREET



but never mind, that adds to the excitement and dare devilment of it all... over we go!



And then they were running UP the hill of the next street and down our hill and in the front door...see? Easy peasy!
Little gits.
I put a stop to their shenanigans quick sharp and the ladder is now up on the roof where H and I ( and burglars) can reach it. Tomorrow if I remember, I will go to the next street and take pictures of the other side of that wall, so you can see how far they jump down to get to the ROAD......Sophie climbs over that wall the other way to get IN when we are out and lock the door, don't even ask how she gets into the house....actually the one time we left the back door open because we didn't think anyone would ever climb that wall and if they did all the neighbours would run and arrest any intruders on our behalf, so that's that and we lock the door now, always, in a particularly paranoid way, not that we have too much to steal but we do have a few laptops with precious pictures on and camera or 4, also insurance which is very grown up and necessary.
The gitlets went to bed without dessert this evening, no ice cream with a flake because as laid back as I am about boys being boys, climbing over walls onto roads is not a thing we can allow to pass unpunished and no ice cream hurts so much more than a good wallopping.
So, all are asleep and the house is quiet, we have a house inspection for the Landlord on thursday, which will be fun because no school, little boys, mess, rain, boredom....you can imagine can't you? Oh well, I'm sure they will see that somewhere the house is alright, its all surface clutter, Egyptian Gods and the like......all in a day's work. Smashing.

That was a night, that was!

So, ever one to believe in being in tune with my loved ones, yesterday I called Mel and asked her if she was having contractions because jee-whizz I was having some corkers! I had awful crampings from my ribs to my nether regions.....she said no, nothing, but the night before she felt sure that baby was on his way, 'til she farted and then that was that, nothing again, all over.
At 31 minutes past midnight, there was a knock on the door, there stood Mel, looking as though she was about tto run a marathon, sweatshirts and running on the spot. " Somethings happening!" She said " I had another show and LOOK he's all dropped down and I can feel him moving and guess what?? Jordan is SO drunk! I couldn't wake him up so I got Sophie and WE ARE GOING WALKING! I never walked up that hill so fast, come on Soph, lets go!" and off they went.
1.15am Jordan called to say he wasn't drunk but he was tired and were they here?
2.20am she was home and bouncing on her birthing ball, watching the Royle family ( that makes me laugh so hard I would go into labour!)

at 11am this morning she was fast asleep because that little stinker is playing games and just likes to hear us all getting excited and running around for nothing!
Jordan took the worst time to let his hair down and thankfully he got away with it, they went out for what could be the last night out before the baby arrives and he drank too much, it would have been his silly fault if he had missed his baby being born but thankfully he didn't. I hope that was that and when that precious boy does decide to get himself born, Jordan will be ready and able to do what daddies have to do.
My phone is going to be pretty much attached to me from now on because every little change means he is nearer to being here and I don't want to miss a single moment of his getting ready.

I forgot!!

Ooh, can't stop am busy. Happily busy. My grandbaby is nearly here...0 weeks and just days and all that, he has a lovely bedroom but no pictures, his theme is Humphreys corner which is cute and splendid for a boy. Pictures cost more than we have and then I REMEMBERED!
I can draw! Ha! Imagine forgetting that, so am drawing pictures because Nana's have time to do that.
I forgot how much I love doing this and how much I used to do it, never bought a picture for my babies, I drew and I framed and I stood back and HUH'd because, really, am quite clever. ( if lacking in humility)
So, am busy, will take pictures of pictures if they are grand and show offy, I love being a Nana. Did I tell you that? Can you imagine what I will be like when he is actually born? ( clue= insufferable)

Oooooooh!

Look to the left! See that? ONE WEEK AND 0 DAYS! Jordan called AGAIN last night, well this morning, 1am. I had just gone upstairs to bed, ( I know, earlier and earlier every night it seems!) I have been taking the house phone upstairs with me, ( when we moved here I stopped having a phone upstairs, I lose count of the times my kids call just to chat just as I fall asleep, then I am awake for another who knows how many hours, I figure that if there is a real emergency someone will hammer on the door, no more phones in our bedroom) just in case Mel goes into labour in the night and I am needed as driver and/or interferer / hang arounder or even at the last minute, an impromptu doula, I could SO be a great doula. I could show Mel how to use the gas and air so it actually works and not just cause nausea.
side note, may be a lot of these**
I am brilliant with gas and air, after my surgeries I had such complications, I would need mini surgeries twice a day, opening and packing of wounds, debriding of nasty and horrible unhealing wounds etc I would be given a canister of that stuff and the nurses would toss coins to see who would do the procedure, so funny was I with a lung full of that magical laughing gas. Look mamby pamby half suckers, do it the right way! You get that nozzle,stick it between your teeth and then you suck in, huge gobfulls, and you don't let anyone touch you or even look at you until the whole world turns silver and disappears, and then they can do whatever they like to you and you won't feel a thing, contractions? Pah, I laugh in your face! Using a scalpel? Carry on dear fellow, invite your friends! They don't let you use gas and air in the US....meaners, not when you're having a baby, they don't. I remember the fear I felt when they told me that the day I was being induced with Seth....I had him without gas and air, without a single thing to help with the pain and that hurt, oh so much, there was much protesting and pleading with the Lord the day Seth came into the world, if I had had gas and air.....no worries. I had an epidural with Isaac because he was born 11 months after Seth and no matter what they tell you, you do not forget the pain that quickly, maybe you do but when faced with it again 11 months later you remember REALLY well and will ask for epidurals, drugs, cesareans, anything to avoid going through that again thankyouverymuch.
I really think I could be a doula, whether I could be of any use to Mel or not we will never know and I suspect I may be useless because I might just stand and blubber the whole time or I might just shout HURRY UP I want to SEE him. I almost wish that I wouldn't know she was in labour because I think the world will stand still and I will hold my breath until I hear that he is born and first labours can last so long. I don't know how Mel's mom can stand it, being in Turkey, missing these precious weeks and not being RIGHT here ready to rush and meet this glorious boy within minutes of his being born.
Oh Jordan was so touching yesterday when he told me that next week, on wednesday, if the baby isn't here yet, the midwife will sweep the memories. HA! Can you picture that? SWEEP.....well Melissa can you remember that? What about that time when .......??? Bless, Jordan often gets words wrong, he was known for it as a little boy and many of us still use the wrong words he used to use to this day, the sweeping of the memories will go down in our minds along with the many others he has made memorable.
It's late and so I am away to my bed, taking the phone with me, tomorrow is already here, another day gone and another day closer to the day that so many lives change and a new one begins, life, as they say, is grand.

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine ( with some added extras)

I have a blog and I almost forgot because STUFF and LIFE and LAUGHTER.
Can hardly believe it.
Where to start?
Maybe here....
Because, oh my, did we laugh. This is an exercise machine that you stand on, hold onto and then it shakes you, apparantly it makes you feel fabulous and refreshed and a tiny part of me wanted to have a go but look at how much MEls almost not there bottom jiggled and also Sophie's slightly more substantial but perfectly beautiful bits...


and the laughing...



And can you hear Jordan saying " but you're not meant to shake babies?" which is very touching but the baby is fine, he felt perhaps jiggled for 15 seconds and then it was over and all is well.
So sorry that the videos are sideways but I forget that you can't rotate them, oh well, you can get the gist of how we very nearly got thrown out of that lovely shop, we drew crowds because we laughed so loud and so hard for so long.

That baby is so ready to come out, a week, that's all until he is due. I can barely stand the excitement and am perfectly willing to admit that the very thought of meeting this little boy has my eyes watering and I may even have to take a few deep breaths because this baby is so adored and so precious to us, I love being a Nana before I have even seen him or touched him, before I even know his name. If I could I would knit tiny cardigans and booties, I would crochet blankets just so he would know how much I love him. So I could physically prove that, material evidence that Nana adores him. I have so much time as a Nana, no room to ready, no bags to pack, no nappies to buy or worries to nurse.
Just pure, unadulterated joy and anticipation.

I could share this...


and this

Of this little boy who is nearly 7. Who 3 years ago couldn't say a word, who hid and was afraid of so many things. Who now is passionate about Little Richard, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis, every day, at some stage, he dresses like this and he sings, with so much passion and intensity. I want so much to tape him singing "Jenny Jenny" by little Richard. He won't let me because he says I will show people and he hates people looking at him. It is quite the most unbelievably touching thing.
*He sat next to H the other day, with eyes like saucers and earphones in, and he was shaking...he said " Oh..OH! This is GREAT, was just listening to this by the Beatles but they were rubbish compared to THIS...this is so GREAT!" ( Little Richard, Johnny be Good")* ( forgot that little nugget when I first wrote this)




He tries so hard to keep up and he does a splendid job, he never misses a "ooooooh!"
'Jenny jenny won't you come along OOOOOH, spinninspinninglikeaspinnin' top....OOOOOOOH!

He is my heart boy, completely fills my heart every single day. I wouldn't change a thing about this boy. I wonder if he has any idea how glorious he is.
Clothes are so important to him, I can't quite grasp how his mind works about clothes, his day is only 'right' when his clothes are right, there are times when I could scream with frustration because it all has to be exactly right, he cannot simply put on what is ready and in fact I have nothing more to do with his getting dressed other than doing the laundry. He knows where his clothes are, he knows what he needs to wear, he has them lined up ready, when he is ready for bed his next day clothes will be where he wants them to be, when he is dressed his night time clothes will be where he can find them. He never loses his shoes, he always knows where his things are, it matters to him. ( And it is quite the most glorious thing, unless I screw up, unless I forget something is washed but not dried, unless he can't find what he had ready and I moved because it needed to be washed and would have been washed and dried and put back, if that happens, the sky falls in. Loudly)
New clothes are an issue, sometimes I see something and know he will love it...and he won't even look at it because I didn't notice, before buying something that he sees immediately and cannot live with, a zip with a pull that is too wide, for instance, stitching that is insulting to the eye. I do not buy Isaac clothes now unless he is with me, short sleeved shirts that button up? Yegads! What was I thinking? We shop, I pick up, he glances for less than a second and he either nods or he turns away. If he nods I ask " Yes?" and he will answer "yes", then I say " Will you wear it?" and he will say " yes" and then I buy 2. Sometimes he will say yes to it and then when I ask if he will wear it he will say " no" and he always has a very specific reason for not wanting to wear it.
Life is so much easier now he speaks! He has great taste, he likes microfibre and silk, he likes colours that he looks great in ( although I have yet to see any colour he doesn't look great in)He takes great care of his clothes and great pride in how he looks, as does Elijah ( although his taste is not quite up to par, ) Seth? HE oculd acre less, if it has something to do with basketball he likes it, he will wear black and red Nike pants with a green basketball vest and a blue and yellow NBA jacket, oh and throw on a bright green baseball cap to finish it off, I say he doesn't care but once he is dressed he then cares, because he is NOT about to waste anymore time getting changed, this is it, he's wearing it, life to live and all that and does anyone have anything to say about that?

Oh, I could tell you more about Boston, the trip that is a mere 5 weeks away now. I was excited from the beginning about this trip but as each day passes I get more and more anxious for the time to come. There have been almost daily chats between the 'trippers' Yahoo is my friend, because of these online gaggle sessions I know these glorious women so much better, with webcams thrown into the mix I feel that there is little left to discover, I could not love these women more, I have seen and heard them, laughed with them, seen their delicious children, heard those little voices, been into homes and invited them into mine and feel as though I belong.
Every woman should have friends like these, I have felt my spirits left over the past few weeks because so much laughter, so many evenings of cameraderie and discovering who is who, some upfront and extrovert, others happy to be in the background soaking in the atmosphere, some in fact all, gentle and compassionate. Some so quick that you are left reeling by how fast that wit is there, in your face and making you guffaw and splutter. All generous to a fault and longing to share, in person the things that will bring to Boston.
There will be a feast of sickening proportions on the friday,we may have to find a shelter and donate because everyone is bringing their favourite treats. 12 women all bringing treats knowing there will be 12 women? There will be much.

The list could go on and on but I will end it here purely because tomorrow, I may have nothing to say and so shall carry on where I left off as if that is exactly what I planned on doing anyway.
I like laughing, can there ever be enough of it? Not in my book and I am pretty certain that so much of it in my life lately is making me well, after a long time of being poorly. Great medicine and so easy to swallow.
* Oh and my sister called to tell me thi story, because we are a whole family of wheezing laughers.
She took her THREE dogs for a walk in a lovely doggy walking park, riverside country place. A responsible dog owner she picks up the poop ( thankyou Julie for that, I may never have a dog because I cannot even acknowledge they poop, never mind walk behind them, picking it up and swinging the bag until an available poo bin is found) She also has a natty new mobile phone, tiny and sleek, her way I suspect of hanging onto her youth, instead of a sports car because a) she can't afford a sports car and b) she wouldn't get 3 cocker spaniels into a sports car, or her grandchildren, so teeny phone it is then.
"hmmmm, she mused, " what to do with expensive and very tiny new phone, large roomy pocket in pants will lose it, everything falls out of pocket ...would hate to lose this phone, darn, what to do, must have 2 free hands for dog pooh picking up duties. AHA! Boots! Great idea, shall tuck phone in boot, problem solved." So she did.
Off she went, tra la la, lovely weather, pleasant walk, happy dpgs, time to leave..will call Berian let him know she is on the way home....OH NO!! Phone is GONE, KNEW would lose phone, darn baggy pants, what was she thinking?? was searching everywhere she had been, no phone, one kind fellow dog walker, helped her search under benches, behind trees, along paths, nothing, nowhere, was lost.
"Do you have a phone with you by the way?" said Julie.
"Why yes I do", said kind lady, " should I ring your phone and we will see if we hear it?!
So she did and wouldn't you know? A distant ring...HOORAH! They set off in direction of ring, heads down and ears to the ground, so NEAR..and can you believe they spent a looong time following that ring, saying things like " it IS here somewhere.. listen!" and " I think we are REALLY close!" before Julie, who is 49 but so not senile ( much) remembered she had the darn thing in her boot, I would have paid good money or given chocolate to have seen her face when she remembered and had to tell that lady who had given up her quiet time in the park to help look for that phone, that was never lost, and I might even have lost a little of my iron bladder control if I had been able to be there when she told. My family are nearly as funny as my friends and I didn't even have to choose them, how lucky can some people be?? *

That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it, uh huh uh huh.

Today was a perfectly splendid in every way day. Perfect. Of course it's not over yet and so the odds are on for a slight spoiling but I'll take my chances by stating that today is how I like it.
WE had sunshine and shopping, totally on my own without a soul to disturb me, no need to think or converse, no call for selfless actions or inquiries as to another person's well being.
Windows open with the wind blowing through my hair and turning it into rats tails, louder than loud music in the iPOd channelled through the car stereo ( which is SO clever, how do they do that??) Ice cold diet pepsi in my drinks holder just in the right position for a swig or two as I drive along. Glorious.
I found everything I could possible need and several things I wanted, no running after little boys and no hearing grizzles that it is time to go home and are we finished yet? I left H in the yard repairing the poor battered basketball net, it now has nifty springs so that when little leaping people grab the ring ( rim? Hoop? Net??) it springs and doesn't fall off the backboard ( again) happy with his saw and woodworking tools.
I sang and I soaked up the sunshine, I ate a chicken and salad baguette sitting in a bench while I listened to 2 old men having a chat while they waited for their wives, I heard a " Hello me darlin'" as the wives came back and a " Don't worry lover" as she said that she wanted to go and look at shoes, I listened to one say " Ambie amber, give grandad a love, come 'ere gimme a big old love" as his daughter and grand daughter arrived, just happy chit chat and cheery greetings, which made my lunch especially delicious.
I believe I have finished shopping for Boston, I have pretty much all I need to take with me and I have enjoyed every moment of shopping for it. I think I have found treasures, the kind that you can hardly wait to hand over because so much joy went into finding them and you hope that even more joy is found when receiving them. I can't wait. Not too long to wait either. 5 weeks and 3 full days.
My grandbaby will arrive before then and then the time will fly because so much of it will be taken up with seeing him and getting to love him, glorying in that 'of course' feeling you have when you meet babies that belong to you, all that wondering and thinking about who they will be, what they will look like and the second you see them you roll your eyes and OF COURSE! That's who they are, that's what they look like, this is who they are.
There are hiccups with Sophie, I have had to be hard and firm and mean, but it took once and she got it, I hope she is still well and better, I can't be sure and she did smell of cigarettes today, the least, for now, of my worries for her. She is learning but it is a slow and terribly painful process and I have to remind myself that she is sad and that of all people, she is hurting herself the most. I am either getting harder, or getting less caring, I think maybe a little more immune to it, as we go through the same routines every single time, each time making the tiniest steps of progress and each round lasting a little shorter than the last.
The boys continue to bask in their love of music, Isaac in particular. He has control of the iPod when we are in the car and he puts Little Richard on at full volume and he sings, with that precious little voice that was silent for so long, every whoot and yargh and he sweats with the exertion of it all. A favourite at the moment for Elijah and Isaac is 'play that funky music white boy' by KC and the sunshine band.
"Play that FUNKY music white boy...I said FUNKY...not that other word...FUNKY, like monkey and not that OTHER word that sounds like FUNKY but isn't and I didn't say THAT Word, did I? Isaac put that one on that FUNKY music one on, go on!"
We play 'that's the way I like it' to but it insults Seth's sense of well being, " how long did it take them to learn those words do you think? All they keep singing is the same thing over and over....is that it??? What is it that he likes like that? Uh huh Uh huh?' and that gets painful to me after a while so we skip that one when Seth is in the car, he is on a par with my Nana Euinton who always did like a story to her songs and liked the singers to sing the words and not YELL. Thankyou.
It's bath time for grimy boys and then I am going to get them all clean and shiny and sit them in front of my new webcam so that I can point it at them and show them off to Canada and Boston, Florida and even California if I can catch people online... I shall try and avoid the webcam pointing at me because all that sitting in a car with windows open has given me the appearance of insanity and having been dragged through a hedge backwards, also the angle is so unflattering and my chins are what you see followed closely but my squinting eyes and glasses, I'll be darned if I am up to sprucing up for a webcam though......life is definitely too short for some things, wouldn't you agree?

And some good bits.

An amazing thing. This week, whilst standing in the kitchen I could hear an unusal noise, a noise that didn't sounds good, coming from the pantry. A dripping noise, what on earth? Well it was the boiler, overflowing and leaking and making puddles, rather quickly. Moments like these are the ones where I rub my hands and fel thankful that we are renters. That doesn't happen terribly often, especially with the landlady we had for a few years, but this time, I picked up the phone, called the agents and withing an hour we had a plumber, within 24 hours we had a new boiler ( and it feels SO good when the plumber shakes his head and says " Sorry dear, that there's sealed unit, can't fix him, he'll have to be replaced" ( because boilers in Devon are always male) and then I get to be all laid back and say " Oh dear...never mind, when you can you replace that for us then?" and not worry a bit about how much it will cost!
I was almost insufferable because I kept saying to H " See? SEE? look how it should be! It broke we made a phone call and it's FIXED and there was no whining and muttering and asking for rent but telling us how there is no money for repairs and maybe we should just live without hot water.
I am quite cross with myself for the level of anger I STILL feel for slumlord landlady, not helped by the fact that I see her all the time, her mother lives a few doors down from Jordan and almost every time I go there she is outside her mother's house. I hear tell that when we were in London, Dan, Jordan and Sophie went for lunch only to see landlady at the next table, I resisted the urge to ask what happened because they may have told me, they did say that she didn't stay to eat and avoided all eye contact until she could scuttle out. I also may have heard someone mention tying shoelaces and breaking wind in the direction of .....but only as a possibility, not an actual fact that happened ( I think I did raise them well enough to know when what would be satisfying, is not always something that should be done. Well 2 of them anyway, the third one still seems to just do whatever she feels like at the time, like flashing her boobs at a baby shower for instance)
I can hardly believe that we have lived here almost 4 months, and still keep telling ourselves that there is no rush to put things where we want them to be!
My excuse for the bedrooms is that I plan to buy things in Boston to do the boys rooms, so no point starting them yet and our room is sort of OK...and anyway we aren't planning on going anywhere so what's the rush, especially with a Landlord that actually fixes things and says 'yes' when we ask him if we can paint and decorate ( and we will, one day, you wait and see!!)
Mum and Leah are flying to Canada on friday, going to Niagra falls for a couple of days and then
going to Utah for 3 weeks, it seems like they have been planning this trip forever and at last the time is almost here.
As soon as they get back mum is having a hysterectomy,which I refuse to think about because she was 70 last week. So la la la la think of pretty flowers and clouds.
I didn't write anything about her on her birthday because I wrote about my dad on his 70th and made some stupid comment about his having had his 3 score years and 10 and what now? Borrowed time? And then he died, so I thought it best to let mum just be 70 and not mention it.
I so hope they can have the most splendid time, they have been sad for too long, neither of them have managed to be truly happy since Dad died and they have moved house and faced endless porblems and so now we all hope that they have 3 weeks of absolute heavenly holidays.
They will be staying with Jane in her own built mansion in Utah that sometimes makes me feel a bit envious and ungracious, until I remember that it is far away from where I love to be and then I let go of such feelings of petty jealously ( almost!)
They will see Lily and Izzie, who are 2 and 4 and are the most precious naughty people you can hope to come across, they flood things and paint things, they find mischief and paste their names all over it, pretty much every day. I miss them so and am happy that gramma can see them and love them and just squeeze the naughty out of them for a few weeks!








I hope they get sunshine every day, that they do lots of planting and craft shopping, much of their very favourite things, that they sleep and rest and wake up with feelings of excitement to see what this day holds. Not nearly enough of that going on in their lives for too long.

It's raining, it's pouring.....

Which is not unusual for England, let's face it. I do wish it was....OK forget that whole subject which was going to be all about camping and not camping and rain. Dull.
New thought.
Just as I started to write I got an IM window pop up, was Cathy in Boston, everything stops when we IM because we laugh a lot and laughing is so good for the soul, so I forgot blogging and we said hello and then, THEN...I saw a window and there was Cathy and the divine Matthew in real moving pictures and all but I couldn't hear them which was a bit sad but still marvellous!
Suddenly and who knows how...my computer started to RING, just like a phone, an old fashioned English phone, ring ring, ring ring...what on earth? What is that? Where is that coming from and then I heard CATHY~.."huh???" I could hear her and see her all at the same time ( and am so glad that it wasn't 2 way because it was 11pm and I am in my PJS having had a bath and then a splendid nap, my hair is in a top know so it didn't get wet and I never got around to taking it down..) I can't tell you how exciting it was, so loud and clear and I heard Matthew who is 2 call his mommy Caffee and Honey and daddy is DADDY and BWIAN.
I could tell you that Brian gave me the finger because he thought I was someone else....and I heard him say sorry in a sincere and quite voice.
I heard Cathy laughing and watched Matthew run and play, I saw the TV which is big and lovely and also bwoken by Matchew
I am endlessly amazed by technology, still marvel at wireless phones and email, still open mouthed and slack jawed about cell phones, such tiny little things and they work and you can talk to people so far away and no WIRES!
It's 6 weeks until we go to Boston, 6 weeks, the time is going so fast, I am so excited and when something like that happens, when I see and hear and get just a glimpse of how things will be when we all meet up, I am almost giddy with excitement. I forget that I haven't met any of these women in person yet, which just goes to show what great friendships we have and when we meet, well look out Boston, you might not know what hit you.
The plan, I think is to set up a webcam on the friday night when we have our 'party' so many can't make it to the meetup and for many different reasons, we hope to set up a webcam so that those who couldn't make it can join in and watch the shinanigans, after this evening I can see how much fun that would be!
I feel lately, that life is full of wonder. I am aware, more and more that we have little control over the grand scheme of things, that we do what we need to do, some of what we want to do and a whole lot of what we have to do, the rest just happens. I don't believe it happens willy nilly though. I am a believer of our lives being mapped out. I also believe that people come into our lives when we need them, sometimes we recognise that and we grasp onto that, other times we may miss those people who could be important to us and the chance is gone.
I really feel that the people in my life are treasures. I have so many friends and good people around me, sincere and exceptionally kind people. I have never been one for light acquaintance, if I like you I love you, for ever usually. If you lie to me or treat me as if I am stupid, you will get to do it once and then even if I get over it and forgive you, you can pretty much expect that the friendship will be over.
It takes a lot to make me stop loving someone and many of my friends have been my friends since I was a whippersnapper. I think I am incredibly clever in that I make friends with remarkable and extraordinary people, the best thing is that I don't recall ever having to DO anything to make these friends, there they were and we just knew that this was a good thing, nothing more than that.
I tell my friends things I don't share with H, not because I am secretive but more because bless his heart,he would rather poke his eyes out with a rusty fork than listen to some of the drivel that is of utmost import to me. I can talk about nothing for the longest time ( and yes, so can Sophie but oh so much better than me!) I can talk about emotions and feelings, memories and nonsense, H can only enjoy so much of that, he is a man after all.
There have been times when I had to deal with huge issues on my own, which was hard, but necessary. Lately I am able to say that I don't have to keep anything inside, if I do, it is because I choose to, not because there is nowhere to turn.
I am having more fun than I can ever remember. More honest to goodness fun, which has been a long time coming.
So, really, it maybe raining and even pouring out there but it's a happy smiley, sunny place in my heart. For that I am truly grateful.
Oh and Matchew has to be the most divine 2 year old with a Boston accent I ever saw or heard. You should hear him call his cat 'Murphy'. Priceless.

Mother!

Where to begin? So much to say so many pictures to show, so much to remember. Blogs and cameras are vital on days like today because the details, the little things, the minutae, all must be recorded because it is all so glorious.

Another beautiful day or heat and sunshine, plans and promises. Mel's baby shower was this evening and it was a resiunding success.

The highlights for me were the fact that Jordans friends came, teens like him but carefree and without responsibility, typical 19/20 year olds, loud and funny and gloriously glorious. I love that they call me 'Mother'. "Mother? What game we playing next?" "Hey Mother! Did you make these cakes? If I come to your house once a week will you make me some?" " Mother!!! What we doin' next?"

I fell in love with one of them, on behalf of Sophie, who also hearted him a little bit







Look how cute he is, but he is shy and gentle and I think she would eat him alive! He hid when I took pictures and was shy about joining in, I hardly heard his voice and I had to admit that this was not the right boy for my daughter!



The tables were set..





















Jordan fired up the bar-b-que, the men were outside in the bright clear evening and then, without a bit of warning....there was one flash of lightening a colossal thunder clap and then rain the likes of which even we here in England haven't seen.

Jordan did not want to admit defeat, he stood outside with an umbrella and tried to keep that fire going! He had worked all day marinating, preparing, perfecting.....and then this rain....















We pursuaded him to bring the food in and cook inside..







The food was outstanding, delicious and beautifully cooked.







We played games...











And Jordan guessed spot on, 8 squares of toilet paper to go around Mel's 38 week belly ( and about the same to go round my thigh I would guess!)





Yes, the guess the favour diaper poop game, which was worryingly popular....





Sniff...





Mmmmmmmmm, pears!





Yum, banana custard!





Beer bottles ( with orange juice for Berian) Mike was so impressive, he just stuck that thing in his mouth and it emptied in seconds, he explained how he always did like to suck on a tit....and then was reminded that grandma was here and insisted he said teat.







Blue drinks!!





Big Teddies from Uncle Dan.





Little teddies in hand made cribs from Grandma ( great grandma to baby may be Joshua)







Chocolate teddies and sucker teddies...









Gramma wanted to see the baby's pram, so Jordan got it out and we watched as all the MEN ooohed and ahhhhhed and pushed it to see how smooth it was, how the handle adjusts for TALL people and down for small people.











And then there was gifts, not extravagant as in the US, but thoughtful and appreciated, often handmade and precious, we don't do showers really in the UK, babies recieve gifts after they are born and usually whatever the giver chooses, no such thing as registeries or lists.











The thing is, you can't take pictures to capture how that felt this evening, to stand back and watch, take pictures, and listen, hear girls telling Mel that she has to do everything to make sure she keeps a hold of Jordan, to hear grown women say that he is a glorious boy. He is, of course and he is happy, which is just about the most splendid part of it all.

I like the word Mother, if I had nothing else, having that name would be enough.

What not to do .

Do not call your mother at midnight, just for a chat, when your girlfriend is 38 weeks pregnant. Expectant grandmothers who may or may not be napping on the sofa, could easily jump up, feel giddy, look for new cell phone that has a really irritating ring tone, trip over shoes discarded by 4 year old boy who could not decide between stylish black pumps or gold flip flops, fall onto a piece of Lego ( damnation that hurts as much now as it did 17 years ago, does NOTHING get easier with age?)
Nanas in waiting try very hard to appear in control and unflappable, answering the phone that has the stupid ring tone ( must get Isaac to show me how to change that tomorrow) with the name "JORDS" flashing in an urgent and important way does not help in that endeavor.
Definitely, when your mother answers "What? Yes? Wassamatter?" Do not laugh and say " Ha! Were you asleep then? Were you? Ha ha Sorry, was going to just yell 'HE'S COMING!' but changed my mind....now what was I going to say?"
Have something to say that makes your mother's heart slow down a bit OR have something to say that means she gets to leave the house and drive you and your heavily pregnant loved one to the hospital where she will then pretend to leave you to await the birth of your baby boy and support the mother of your child while she gives birth but really she will loiter and pace floors, pretend to read a magazine and pray very hard that the experience if magical and safe, that both mother and child are safely delivered and then willing to allow Nanas in to weep and study, adore and photograph.
I love to hear from you my boy and I know that the whole world thinks I never sleep but sometimes, more lately than ever before, I do. Being roused from such splendid slumber has aged your mother several months, years even. Please limit after dark calls to the ones that mean that baby is on his way, because although I am trying with such enormous effort to pretend that I am taking all this in my stride, I am so piggin' excited and eager to see that little boy that the slightest excitement will quite likely tip me over the edge.
I thought this pregnancy would take forever, all those weeks ago when you called me with such trepidation in your voice and told me that Mel was pregnant, even then the joy I felt was immeasurable, I wondered how I would stay patient for all this time. Now here we are, with the time measured in mere days until he will be here. I am so proud of you and Mel and how you have prepared for your son. I can stand back and watch and feel sure that this little boy will be so loved and so well taken care of, I can shut my mouth and allow you to grow and learn, it is easy to take a back seat and not feel the need to tell you how it will be, or what to expect because in truth? I don't know.
Both you and Mel are so laid back, so gentle and patient, so placid and easy going, chances are your baby will be the same. I don't know what you will feel, have no idea what your baby will bring apart from more joy than you can ever begin to imagine. More heartache and worry than you can comprehend. More of everything under the sun and who knows how any of it will make you feel. I do know that when he is here your world will change, nothing that seems important now will matter anymore, new things will take precedence and that tiny being will dominate your every thought.
I love it when people say how a baby won't change anything, how 'it' will have to fit in with life as it is.....those famous last words. Everything changes, even the way you look at the world.
There is nothing like becoming a parent, you are so young to be taking that step but I am so sure of you that I know you will do a great job, be a great father.
I can't wait to get that phone call to tell me the time has come, that he is on his way.
Just keep those other calls to daylight hours, if you please, I would like to be fit and well enough to drive you to the hospital, many more phone calls like the one just now....I can't promise that will be the case!
I love you Jordan.

Sunshine in my soul today....

Last evening, there was a knock at my door and my sister was there, having been to a plant heaven, bought a ton of plants and she gave me 2. SO kind, except you know what that means don't you? Yes, it's that time of year again, the time of year when I start off with 2 plants, well that's not enough, so we ( read I) go out and buy some more, and some compost and pots ( had plenty of pots this year, phew, no need to buy more) then I come home and pot them and we have a few left so we have to buy a bit more compost and then we have some left so we buy new plants and usually a new tub or 12......yes, that time of year. I love it!
This house is very tired outside, it needs cheering up and so I did my best, I am a little worried about hoodlums and ne'er do wells, walking past and getting up to no good with my tubs and baskets but you can't live your life with the what if's winning, so caution to the wind, here they are. I suspect ( and hope) that in a couple of weeks time they will be blooming and overflowing, beyond beautiful and giving such happiness and pleasure as only pretty tubs in the summer can do.

I blame my sister Julie for this....


























And thank her for spurring me on to do this....
























And is there anything else in this world that can evoke such pleasure as this sight? Open windows and fresh white curtains billowing in a summer's breeze?
I just love the smell of summer's evening air.
I am a nervous wreck with that bedroom window open that far, I have to make sure Elijah fall over / out/ under/ through boy is with me at all times, usually I close that big one if he is home but it is SO hot and the through breeze is so blissful that I am living with having to say his name every 15 seconds and making sure he is RIGHT HERE because that would hurt a big lot were he to fall head first out of that window, also the window underneath is where I am sitting so I would hear the thud and that would be pretty hard to live with, wouldn't it? Also, he may land on my newly planted pots and we certainly can't have that can we? Those things aren't cheap!
He had a nap yesterday and so wasn't tired when we put him to bed, we could hear him thumping around upstairs ( and yes the bedroom window was shut) when I went up at 10...he was asleep, surrounded ( and filled with) smarties he had found in my Boston stash, sugared and highed and crashed and asleep, in a puddle of chocolate and no bedding ( why does he always strip his bed??) Bless his face, he has hit the able to lie whilst staring at me with enormous eyes phase. Touching when they are 4, less so when they are 14 and still think we don't know they are lying.























I just love the sun. Love the feelings it evokes in me, I love the smells that come with it ( apart from the sweat related ones, ack, never those ones!) but the laundry dried outside smells, the Bar-b-que ones, the cut grass, perfume, warm air smells, I love those.
I can't dry my washing outside though, my glorious rotary dryer is to huge, it fills the whole yard and then won't rotate in the breeze, little boys can't get to the beloved basketball hoop and that would be a disaster beyond endurance.
I miss the garden, I really miss the barn, I drive past when I go to Trago and the wilderness has been chopped down, all clear and spacious, my little boys so loved the wilderness and all it's treasures. They would still love that extra 1/2 acre of space though, I see the windows in the loft living room open and remember how fabulous that felt when the breeze was blowing on those balmy July evenings.
I miss everything about the barn and will always be so grateful that we were able to spend last summer there.
There is much I would like to do here, in this house and I think that when I return from Boston that will be my focus, I don't like feeling so restless when I planned to be so happy here. The trouble with coming out of such a deep depression is you see things that were unnoticeable before, what mattered not is now glaringly annoying.
Nothing too huge that we can't bear it, just lots and lots of niggling little things that need changing and doing up. All in good time!
For now we revel in the open windows, flower tubs, fresh air and sunshine, which is more than enough to make happy and lift our spirits.

*************************************************************************************
On the other hand, what DOES the summer bring out with it's warmth and late setting of the sun?
I am a closet snob, not averse to a bit of yelling ( oh alright then a lot) I do like to keep it within our walls, when the windows are open, I hiss, not yell ( unless Sophie is involved and then all bets are off) We have neighbours that have come out of the woodwork once the windows got opened. First thing in the morning til last thing at night, out in the street with their fog horn gobs running away with them, at least 4 teenagers ( and very good at it) the girl stands in the middle of the road, right outside my open window and has painful and protracted conversations on her pay as you go cell phone, she says ( as is a teenage girls wont) absolutely nothing at all, just endless loud, monotonous whining and Ay?ing and Yeah but-ing. One of the boys is called Matthew or MATTIE or MATH....YOU! And he is always in trouble, but unfortunately never in trouble for making a noise, for standing outside in the street yelling to an invisible friend ( who miraculously answers back...I have never seen the friend but I hear him, all too often.) They are late for school most mornings " Math-YOU...get a MOVE on, why are you LATE? MOVE IT!"
They have been doing some kind of work on the house, not sure what but it has involved much crashing and throwing of old furniture outside. The kids climb on top of their mini van, and they don't do it quietly.
3 doors down on the other side of the street ( we on THIS side are so much more refined of course) there is a house that has been converted to bedsits and in the front, top bedsit we have musicians, with DRUMS! Yes, drums, loud ones. Those youngsters know how to party don't they? I lie in my room and seethe and plan how I will ring on their doorbell at 6am and feign sympathy when I see that I have woken them up. As I type ( having closed my big window, tutting and muttering loudly " For heaven's sake will you shut the hell UP?) I can hear Mr Bedsit singing ( though not drumming, hoorah) it is a doleful tune ( and I use the word 'tune' loosely you understand) if H were here I would bribe him to stand underneath the bedsit window and tape that caterwauling....HA HA I just heard one of the teenagers yell " SHUT UP!" at the soulful crooner.
Life is grand isn't it?

Utmost joy.

Sometimes, little things come along that give us immeasurable joy. When you are 4 and pink is what makes you happy, finding a PINK tie, a HOT pink tie even, that you are allowed to wear to church, well, that would make a boy stand proud and pose for a photograph in the most serious and upstanding way.



The fact that, on closer inspection, the said tie is a HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL tie, well, joy just got doubled and we have to keep checking and then showing all and sundry that this is fact, no ordinary tie, pink or not. Undiluted joy, for £8. Marvellous.

The fact that this little boy, with his po face and his goofy teeth, his way of standing with his shoulders back and head high, looks more and more like his papa, who we miss so much it is a physical ache at times. That's when the joy becomes almost too much to grasp.

The squint of his eye and that look that seems to say they know a joke or two that they aren't willing to share yet, the way they can stare ahead and it is possible to read what is in their minds....

They were always the best of buddies,

I don't think my dad will ever be far away while we have this little man in our lives. Someone tapped me on the shoulder at church today and said " Is Elijah just a tanned version of your dad or what?" Yes he is, and that could never be a bad thing.

Conversation in our house. ( you wish you were here, don't you?)

Me to H. " Awwwww, Jordan and Mel said that when the baby is born they are going to ask Dan to be like a godfather except they won't be getting the baby christened"
H. " Wow, you mean like an uncle?" ( he is such a smart arse at times)

Me to Seth at bedtime " Seth, do you have any idea how much I love you?"
Seth " No, because you never tell me!"
Me " Oh you are such a stinker, anyway it's a whole lot, more than you can imagine, when you were a baby, Dan would walk 'round and 'round with you and he would say " How did we ever think we were happy before Seth was born?"
Seth " Yes, well, that lasted 11 months until I was thrust into the very pits of hell" ( sometimes I wonder how much good my use of dramatic language does me)
"What? "
"Well I was happy and then Isaac came along and my life became a living hell when he took all the attention away from ME"
( If ever there was a child who was unaffected in the attention stakes it would be Seth when Isaac was born....)

Me to Mel ( always me, you think I would learn to shut up by now, wouldn't you?)
"Oh my goodness, I can't wait to see that baby boy, sometimes I feel like I can't stand another day..."
Mel ( having struggled up steep hill with 36 week belly in hot and humid weather)
"Oh, poor you!"
( such respect from all and sundry but it is SO great to be the Nana....all the joy and none of the inconvenience)


Me to the district council
"Hello this is Mrs Helen at number 23 top of the hill. I have just received a letter saying that you have tried 3 times to contact me regarding the contents of my recycling bin, I have to tell you that I am bordering on crunchy, I am anal about my recycling, I KNOW you don't mean ME when you say that my recycling bin is consistently filled with materials that are not recyclable.
I am particularly disturbed by your threatening to NOT empty my recycling bin, also the £1000 fine, because there is NEVER anything in that bin that does not belong there and my family, should you choose to speak to any of them will tell you that they are under the threat of terribly painful punishment if they mess with my recycling. Please get back to me and tell me that you so did NOT mean me when you sent this letter, thankyou."
I am still ridiculously disgruntled about this letter, imagine being told that you have been consistantly told off for putting 'bad' things in your green bin when you have such pride in your various little bins with bottles and cans and cardboard and every 2 weeks you smile as you see your green efforts being upheld and carried away to be made into good and wholesome usuable new things.
H actually went out to speak to the recyclable collection men, so incensed was he on my behalf and they said they had no idea what the deal was, if our bin had been filled with bad and environmentally unfriendly things they would have covered it with stickers and not emptied it, so there we are, threatening crunchy me indeed. I should think not.

And lastly, me to you.
Do you know I had no idea I needed an Ipod nano until H bought me one, my bright pink new friend gives me so much joy I can hardly tell you. It comes with me in my car and sings music of my youth, like Dr hook, singing about how I make his pants wanna get up and dance and let me tell you, have that blaring on your car stereo, with the windows down and see if you can not feel a bit jiggy and smiley. I dare you.

Yes, I swear, sometimes quite a lot.

I am pondering this whole parenting gig. As I so often do.
As a single woman, in my innocence and naivity, I would dream of the day I would have children, of precious smiling infants and amusing toddler, of first days of school and christmasses with Santa and happy secrets.
I think, now I know, I have changed my mind.
For one thing, how come teenagers never crept into my dreams, not once did I think of having a teenage child, ever.
I certainly didn't think of having a problem one, of any description, because I was absolutely going to be the perfect mother, I would have model children and would be the epitome of patience and calm.
I would always be in control and be a listener, be understanding and so involved that MY children would never need to rebel or wreak havoc, no need to push any boundaries, so safe they would be in the knowledge that they were loved and understood.
Well Bollocks to that, I changed my mind. I understand that it is too LATE to change my mind and should those damned blog / mind/ spoken out loud reading/ hearing gremlin type wish granters be reading this, go to hell, it's too late, if you take my kids from me now you won't be granting a wish, you'll be wiping me out, go read someone else's blog and grant their wish, leave me alone.
I get way too many wishes granted by those buggers, I only have to whisper " Argh how I would hate to have chin hairs like THAT woman" VOILA....as if by magic, bristly beard.
"Ewwww, imagine having baggy skin like that!" FLOP. wobble, all mine.
I can scream to the sky about wanting a mansion and a new car...deaf as a bloody post then, oh yes.....so I am not saying 'take my children from me I don't want them.' I am just saying, well what I am saying is this.
I didn't know about this part of being a mother. We all left home really young and got on with life, made mistakes and I am certain we whine to our mum, I know we tell her stuff ( less now than before though) but dear Lord, we left home.
More and more I find that I thrive on the odd phone call from my older boys, the 2 minute HELLO...all is well kind. Jordan needed our help a month or so ago and how wonderful ( when I typed that it came out as wonderfuk, which...GREAT WORD!!) that to be able to help him and see that he was OK.
Dan never asks for anything, he just tells us what he wants us to know and is cheery and bright and that, my friends is the motherhood I like, that's what I signed up for.
Sophie is 19, she is homeless again and she could give a monkey's nipple. Seriously,
" Sophie, where will you sleep tonight?"
"Don't know, what top should I wear to meet my friends?"
"Sophie, what are you going to do?"
"Don't know, am meeting Naomi, see you later"
She turns up here at 7/8am in the morning, not a word about where she has been, is happy and perfectly fine and she sleeps until she is ready to not sleep and hoorah life is so grand for her.
I was making phone calls, and crying and worrying, was trying this avenue and that one, was heaving and doubled up in the most terrible stomach pain, unable to eat and what to do what to DO?????
What I am doing now..is absolutely nothing. Nothing.
It would seem that I have been less tough than I thought. Obviously not tough enough, doing too much, helping her much. She has no idea AT ALL that I have stopped helping her. I am waiting until she wonders where her money is, what is happening next, when she can have her medicine....when she asks me what I have done, THEN I tell her nothing. Nothing.
Then the fun will start then I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN..with the "but it's your life, this is YOUR problem, this is what YOU can / should/ need to do.
That's the bit I have changed my mind on, I somehow imagined that by 19 she would be somewhere else ( a long away away please) calling me when she has news. I thought she would have learned SOMETHING by now and she has, she is NOT taking drugs or drinking to excess or even smoking and if I find out she is, well I can't even say what I will do then because I am at the end of the extension on my tether.
I see the sunshine and I know how much I would be loving it if only.....
I think about all the great things about to happen and would be excited if only......
I am so angry that ONE child can do this and be so bloody oblivious. Or is she?
In speaking with the mother of her friend, the owner of the house where she has been staying ( And is not allowed to go back to) I discover that the daughter ( Sophie's friend) has been saying, word for word, what Sophie has been saying to me, playing the same cards, using the same tools of destruction. Playing the same game. Yes, GAME.
They may not be doing this intentionally, Sophie may not realise that she is playing me, I think she gains happiness from seeing that I care, which is good, to deliberately make me sick and cry to gain that security...not good. Even to see that her actions have led to this and be even a tiny bit pleased, not good.
I am incredibly good at appearing OK. I even convince myself that I am fine....but my body lets me down, stupid stomach hurts, skin does it's ugly thing.....poor body screams whichever way it can to MAKE IT STOP! Oh if only.
I am not pretending right now, I am happy at happy things ( sunshine, nearly grandbaby, upcoming trip) and I am sad about sad things ( same old, same old) I see good, I feel bad. Life, pretty much.
I feel on the outside wishing I was in. I just want to enjoy these little boys and my husband, what I am actually doing is dodging the bullets, watching Sophie like a hawk, keeping her as distanced from H as I can, H is being patient beyond what I thought were his capabilities with this girl, he is saying nothing, even being polite and kind to her ( for me, I pretty much know that is for me) when she teases the boys, I step in, when she is here and I go upstairs I hold my breath and listen to see if she pushes the buttons while I am out of sight ( so far, no) when I am here she doesn't hold back, she teases and annoys, argues and pushes. I am so tired of it.
Nobody should feel they are on a tightrope in their own home and I am so angry, so resentful that it could end in tears.
That she can swan around without a care in the world fuels that rage.
I tell myself that she doesn't even know what she is doing, that stops me punching her in the face.
I tell myself that this too shall pass ( which stops me punching myself in the face)
I tell myself that drinking is not an option because if ever a bottle or 5 of something to bring on oblivion was appealing, that'd be right now.
I tell myself that one day we will look back and " Oh...ha ha do you remember when?"
And then I punch myself in the face because was I completely INSANE to have another 3 that will be teenager right when Sophie is an adult and not here ( which is as good as the imagining gets) I am holding out for a lovely dose of senility right about 56, I shall sit in an inco pad lined chair and laugh at the patterns on the wallpaper. I shall be fed out of a spouted cup and not even be able to tell the sweet care home nurses that I don't drink tea and shall gum on a slice of bread and butter and hope in my befuddled mind that one of my children will visit and bring me some chocolate. Just my luck that it'll be Sophie who visits every wednesday afternoon and she will tell me every bit of her life in such detail that I shall dribble and whimper until she has gone, and in my head I shall be screaming. Pretty much the way I am right now.

And when words fail...

Just post some pictures......

We hang around after school, and shoot some hoops...




Sometimes one of us will fall and get an owie and we check it out and sympathise.





And we run on the field...



And climb the trees......





Sometimes, we just take pictures of little faces that bring a smile just because they are so quirky and funny.



And when we get home, sometimes someone comes for tea and we take pictures of them because they are quite splendid and they may just have a grandbaby that is pretty much cooked and ready to get out!




And all without having to say very much at all.