Smile.....

Sometimes it's all you can do!

Pictures.....

Ok I decided that it was time not only to have some pictures taken with me in them but also to share them, so you know who it is whittering on everyday!
Is there anything as splendid as being squished and kissed but the joys of your soul?



























These are random ones of me with lanky ( and not to pleased to be photographed Jordan)...me on my own getting ready to go out, Elijah dn I watching his beloved Shrek...don't you just love that UH?! look on our faces? I can't even remember what was happening but am more suprised that we were suprised by it as Shrek is on at least twice a day in this house!
the last picture is of me with my parents and siblings.
So, now you know who I am.....are you underwhelmed by the complete normalness of me?!

You couldn't make this up!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JORDAN!
My 2nd son is 18 today..EIGHTEEN! He is now 6 ft 4 and a bit inches tall and as skinny as a rake. I love this gangly boy, he is quite, quite unique. Gentle and incredibly funny and he loves me, unashamedly and without reserve and not a bit afraid to say it or show it.
When did he enter the world and how? Ahhh, now THIS story IS a good one, get comfy and enjoy the telling.
Daniel was 15 months old when I found out I was pregnant with Jordan and I was beyond terrified. Dan's birth was horrible, 28 hours of indescribable fear and pain and I was pretty sure I never wanted to endure that again but husband number 1 was persuasive and so here I was knowing that what goes up, must come down and I was SOOOOO scared!
I spent most of the nine months avoiding even the thought of giving birth and without that step it's pretty hard to imagine the baby, so I just grew fatter and more afraid and didn't have much fun, all in all.
At 7 months, I flew back from Germany determined that my baby would be English and NOT German, thankyou very much, and we went to stay with my mum in lovely Somerset for the duration.
Oh how grandma loves babies, she was so excited to have me there ( less excited at the first husband's company, but mothers have an uncanny intuition about sons in law and she was certainly spot on in this case) One of her activities during this stay was to try everything in her power to induce some excitement into me for the impending arrival of my newborn. Hmmmm how to do this, I wonder? Oh, I know..lets buy some beautiful material with tiny cherries on and make exquisite little sundresses to dress my tiny baby girl in...THAT'S a good idea. Back in the day we would have an ultrasound, but it was a grainy affair showing little to the untrained eye, other than a blurry image of an alien like creature which we were led to believe would become a real person with actual eyes instead of gaping black holes and arms and legs rather than fuzzy stick things...no chance of knowing whether said Alien would be a male or female of the species, so we would concentrate and try to imagine or we would listen to those older and more knowledgable than ourselves and believe them if they said what we wanted to hear.
So, pretty frocks it was then. Beautiful, tiny tiny little white sundresses and cherry frocks and lacy cardigans knitted on needles so thin you could probably use spaghetti and it would be fine.
Awwwww.....it worked, I Imagined my tiny, tiny baby girl who would have lots of silky dark hair and big blue eyes, she would be 6lbs and look adorable in these hand made creations.......
So.....40 weeks and 3 days, fat, fat and SO hot in the unheard of occurrance of an English heatwave. Waddling and sweating and less than cheery the first husband decided that a shopping trip would be perfect, take the miserable fat cow out for the day in the hope that she is either cheered up or drowned out by the bustle of Taunton city center.
I WAS SO HOT! We walked and looked and after about an hour I said " I hate this, can we go home? I want to go home" When he had picked himself up off the floor and asked 3 times for me to repeat what I had said, he grabbed the chance to get away from shops and we set off for the car. I wanted a newspaper so popped into a shop and bent down to grab the Daily Mirror...OOOOH that was a bit shrp...oh no, it stopped. Off we went, oh darn, need to pee...into Mothercare and OOOH that's a tight one...oh no its stopped.
Drive home and chat with mum...." I just didn't ....hang on, that's a bit tight...oh it's OK it stopped..... I wanted to go strawberry picking but the field was closed...ow...nope its alright its just a twinge and anyway it's stopped...oh hang on, I need to pee"
When I came out of the toilet the husband and mother had decided that stopping mid sentance every 6 minutes warranted a call to the hospital, they said to come in and despite my true and very vocal objections, I was bustled into the car and driven the 20 miles to the hospital, moaning every step of the way .
I had had no more than 6 tightening feelings which stopped the very minute I sat in the car. An hour at the hospital with husband asking if I had had anymore ...several threats later with promises that it would be HIM feeling regular bouts of pain if he didn't shut the hell up and stop asking, complaints about time wasting and false labour, the midwife came in to say that she had better examine me before sending me home as quite obviously nothing was happening was it? Husband sent to phone home and tell them we were on our way back.
It's incredibly difficult to have light conversation when flat on your back with legs apart isn't it? Bless her for trying though, the midwife asked if I had any preferences and I said " yes, six pound girl please" " no", she replied " I mean, when you are having the baby do you want to swing from the light fitting or stand on your head humming or anything?"
" oh, I see, no thankyou, my only request will be painfree please"
" so you don't mind having your waters broken then?"
" not a bit, I shan't care as long as it means the baby will be out soon"
" Oh good.....you can push if you like" and with that there was an almighty pop and the dam was broken, I kid you not there must have been 30 gallons of amniotic fluid in there.....
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!"
"Well, my dear, as unbelievable as it must seem, you are at 10 cms .....would you just LOOK at all this water and watch your belly! " and we did, we sat and watched this huge belly shrink as the rivers of babylon flowed out of me, into her lap and we could see the shape of my baby.
In walked the husband who slipped on the spilling river and laughed in that maniacal and hysterical way that is natural when you are faced with such an unbelievable sight.
So, when we all actually believed that this was it, it was time to push, even though I was completely and utterly without the urge to push...we set about getting into position and there began the infuriating yelling of those not being asked to try and force something the size of a football out of a hole the size of a marble " Come on...PUSH"
" I can't, I'm sorry, this is way to bizarre, I don't WANT to!"
The midwife.." Oh Helen this is so great, I have never seen a labour like this, I want to deliver this baby and I am off duty in 40 minutes..please give it a go, maybe when you start pushing it will trigger off the urge and the baby will help"
Oh alright.......I got myself psyched ( imagine this picture, because although graphic it is quite funny) Me flat on back, legs up in the air, midwife between legs , husband at side somewhere grasping a thigh I shouldn't wonder.... Right, here we go.......push, strain.........FAAAAAARRRRTTT! huge fart, not in the least lady like and not at all ignorable. OH MY GOSH!
I could do nothing but just collapse in hysterics...and God bless him for this, knowing my absolute horror at the thought of breaking wind and embarrassing myself, the husband said "Oh, excuse ME" which had me shriek in hysteria again " HA HA HA !! Her face is between my LEGS she KNOWS it was me!!!" And to my glee I was completely unrepentant and unabashed, even I could see that if you are straining enough to get a child out of your body it stands to reason that a pathetic thing like a fart hasn't a chance of staying in there and if by chance you need to poo...forget trying to hold that in as well!!
Anyhoo...40 minutes of pushing even though I didn't want to, suddenly found me a mother again...." Awwww let me see her"
" IT'S A BOY!!!!"
" A what? No, you see I ordered a girl, a tiny girl please"
" Nope, its a boy"
Oh...shit. Now what?
Give him to his dad then and I'll look and see if I can get used to the idea. And there he was, a big, solid boy person. Hmmmmm. 8 pm, bath over ( ewwww husband helped me into warm bath..not a good idea, always go for shower after giving birth, a bath is like liver soup, you SO don't want to sit in it I tell you, you certainly don't want your husband to get the idea that you might want to wash your hair in it and have him tip a jug of the water on your head as mine did, sorry too much information, even from me)
I spent the whole night staring at this stranger, this big 8lb 11 oz boy that had literally just sort of sprung from my body and was suddenly there without any pain or even warning he was coming. I couldn't for the life of me feel ANYTHING except shock.
It took me several days to feel that he was mine, even his naming was done in a trance.
" what shall we call him?" said I
" Thomas" said he ( husband not baby!)
" Jordan" I replied.
" Jordan" "Thomas"
" Ok, Jordan Thomas" and so Jordan Thomas Edward was born.
He was 5 days old when I knew I truly loved him, the husband was holding him and he choked ( baby, not husband, unfortunately) husband didn't seem able to help him and after what seemed a long time I felt real fear and snatched Jordan from husband and got him to breathe...I looked down on his little fat face with great big kissy lips and huge eyes, his perfectly groomed looking dark hair and I loved him. What a relief, he WAS beautiful. He WAS mine and he was here, he hadn't caused me a bit of pain on his arrival and here he was, he smelled divine, his skin was like velvet and he was the sweetest , least demanding baby I have ever looked after.
My second son, so different from my first son, as he has grown he has developed the most fabulous sense of humour, he is quick witted, generous to a fault, wicked in the most delightful way and of course, totally gorgeous.
I am happy to be his mummy too.

The simplest things.

I am about to admit to be so incredibly slow on the uptake in some things that I ought to hang my head is shame, instead of which I am going to tell the whole world about it! ( well perhaps not the whole wolrd as I suspect about 7 people actually read this but in theory it could be the whole world.)
I have done 2 things this week that are so simple yet have had a HUGE impact and change to my life. A fridge lock has been installed and a rota been composed. See? Simple.

The fridge lock. Who invented them? May I applaud and get down on my knees and worship your simple genius?

Never before needed or even thought about but my golly miss Molly it is now my best friend. I have had a full week of not a single creme caramel being dribbled across the kitchen floor, an 18 pack of fromage frais ( we're sounding fabulously european / cosmopolitan here aren't we?) lasted a full 4 days instead of 47 minutes. Not a single olive, cheese string, pint of milk ( yes we really DO have pints of milk, in glass bottles delivered to our door by a whistling milkman) has been grasped and dropped and "UH OH"- ed on the hard tile. I have been a veritable joy to behold in my kitchen when going to the fridge AND freezer ( yep, bought 2 locks and did the freezer at the same time) and seeing the food just as I left it when I last went there.
I have stroked and almost kissed those locks bought for a mere £1.75. Why, I wonder did it take me so long to buy them when I have been near insanity with the endless "ELIJAH!!! Get OUT of that fridge" moments since he first cottoned on to the fact that the treasure was just behind that door? I think it was when he learned to peel the top off his favourite " amma's puddin" (which is Creme caramel introduced to Elijah by Gramma, hence it is her puddin'.) Delicious but when opened by a 2 year old hurtling across the kitchen before he is caught is a nightmare, that glorious deep brown caramel sauce can stick your feet to the tile in seconds and whilst it only looks like a drizzle in the pot it spreads the whole length of the kitchen when Eli is in control. That was definately the moment I knew I had to get a lock.....and oh how blessed it is.

The Rota. Everyone does this don't they? every parenting skill show I have ever seen shows how a rota works. which is why I have never done one. Humph...ME? Earth mother ME needing a tip from a TV show?...as if...I'm not having a rota I'll work it all out myself. Until tuesday when weary of hearing H moan about Sophie not doing anything and Sophie moaning about that fact that she has to do everything and actually muttering under my breath about the fact that it is probably Me that does everything I put the brakes on, got the paper and pens out and did a rota...YEEHAW! I love it, H loves it ( but won't actually admit he loves it ) and Sophie was telling her friend about it on the phone and it didn't sound like she was complaining. Which is as close to admitting she loves it as we can expect.
Sophie is down for dinner twice a week and she was so excited to cook last night, she started talking about it at 2pm and she did a great job. H did dinner today which meant that I could take the boys out and not watch the clock and hoorah, lemon chicken at 6 o'clock and not so much as a thought did I have to give it until it was in front of me.
I did a mini version for the boys and even Eli is entering into the spirit of it by clearing the dinner plates and dumping them in the bin ( which is pretty near the sink and considerably lower so we let him off, in fact I alomst paid him tonight as it was my turn to cean the kitchen and do the dishes) Seth and Isaac take turns putting shoes away and clearing toys up.
Who said Isaac has special needs? Seth is thrilled with the chore rota while Isaac took one look at the toyroom and said " Me? Me tan't pit up all a lem!" and crumpled in a heap. Smart boy, the toy room has me crumpling at the very mention of it!
If they do manage at least a good stab at 'picking up all of them' for a week they get to go to the fabulous 'Rainbow fun house' http://www.rainbowfunhouse.co.uk/index1.htm which is SO not a gay club but a converted church with a humungous, 2 story soft play area that both wears them out and fills them with glee. I love it as I can sit and read while they scream, jump, slide, swing, and yell until their sweaty little heads are ready to be bathed and put into bed.
Great, it is so often the simplest of things that make life so much easier. I quite liked the family today which is a relief after yesterday when I could quite easily have sold them on e.bay with a buy one, get one free offer.

Probably shouldn't be taken too seriously

Today is one of those days where I feel that perhaps being a lesbian who loves cats would be a good life. ( actually, if I could find a lesbian who could put up shelves and fix cars I'd be sorely tempted to give it a go) I neither like men or children today and as I have 1 man, 5 sons and a daughter I feel my lot is hard.
Children are sent to try us, we all know that. We know that if we list the pros and con's we see very clearly that being a parent is a mugs game...on the con's list we have expense, breakages to pay for ( eg sinks that are broken with coloured pencils, toilets blocked with endless rolls of toilet paper and toys flushed etc etc), clothes to buy and give away when they refuse to wear them because...because why? Oh yes because white tee shirts are scary and shorts will hurt apparantly. Toys to buy and throw away because somehow it seems the toys today aren't made to last, even taking them out of the box with 327 welded together ties is a risky business and chances are if you get it out in one piece it will need batteries and by the time you remember to buy the batteries they will have lost interest in the toy...hooray for car boot sales where the stuff is already unwrapped, almost always has batteries included and you don't care if they hate it after a week because it cost £1.20.
We deal with screaming because you because you didn't cut the sandwich, screaming because you did cut the sandwich and they wanted squares not triangles or triangles not squares and screaming because they want toast not a sandwich.
They fight with each other, fight with me, fight with themselves when they are beyond tired and feel they are going to fall asleep any minute and Lord forbid life should be THAT simple.
We deal with all this and let's not even venture into the life when they are sick ( too clear and painful a memory at the moment having just done the marathon cold thing with the whole family)
But we do it and we gain our reward...we really do, we honestly and truthfully feel totally paid back, in full, by what?...a smile!

When they are tiny you feel able to deal with it all until about 5 weeks when the new novelty is wearing off and your bones and in fact your very soul feels ready to melt because you are so tired- and just as you think you will die and you should really have stuck with a tamagotchi they bloody well go and give you one of those wobbly gob dimply cheeked, toothless smiles. AHA!! Its WORTH IT!

I can DO this, you think..and off you go again.....its amazing how clever mother nature is because just as you hit the wall again they chuckle.....I will admit that by the time they reach their teens the payback is nigh on impossible to see but that's good because miracle of miracles, the glorious child who you would look at and melt and wonder how you would ever keep the will to live when the time came for them to fly the nest has so long gone you are looking in the yellow pages for rent a cuckoo to come and hoist the little shite out.
So that's kids for you but what about husbands? I might need to reflect on that one and do a part 2 tomorrow.

Ooh lucky you...here's part 2! Husbands....

I read once about a couple who had been married for 70 years, " what is your secret" they were asked . "well, said the wife, when we got married I told myself that I would allow him 5 things that were incredibly irritating and I would not get angry about them and I wouldn't mention them "
" oh...what are the 5 things you allow him?"
" my dear...I never wrote them down or even listed them in my head, when he really irritates me I simply tell myself that this is one of the 5 things and I let it go"

MARVELLOUS!
I have an idea that husbands shouldn't have opinions of their own, it's asking for trouble and life would be infinitely simpler if husbands just thought everything their wives said, did or wanted was the perfect thing.
My first husband was a bit like that but more because he was too stupid to think with anything that wasn't in his underwear and so I managed to drift through that short sojourn into matrimonial boredom pretty much unimpeded until the thing he did think with led him to another poor woman, which left me totally able to do as I pleased and I had 10 years to let rip and truly learn the joy of independance.
Husband number 2 has opinions. Damn. He is also here all the time. Damn Damn.
I can tell you that it is the hardest thing in my world to have to consider H's view point and preferences. I am so sure that I am right and pretty darn brilliant that I want him to just let me do what I know I am good at and do little more than tell me how pretty darn brilliant I am.
He doesn't. Damn Damn Damn. He wants me to listen to him and ... get this...sometimes he wants me to do things HIS way? I ask you, that can't be right can it?
Did I tell you how I 'get' toddlers? I did and I know I did, but this husband makes me want to do the purple faced scream thing and the fling myself on the floor thing and then in an effort to be marginally more mature I can just about manage to reach the door slamming " I hate you" thing of the adolescent..... I can be such a brat ( in my head of course, the outside me still clings to respectability and hold-backedness) I need something but just can't figure what it is I need.
I actually feel as if I would thrive if I went out to work, I have got as far as filling in an application, talking to the organiser for the home nursing team here and my heart knows that it could soar if I went out and did this. My head tells me though, that now is not the time. There are so many commitments here with the boys, I have appointments for Isaac and Elijah til they come out of my ears, Seth has stuff to do with his eyes too and it has to be me that takes them. Special needs take special time and these years are so important that to mess up would mean a lifetime of regrets.
Because this is my blog, not H's, I won't go into why all the big stuff is down to me but can only say that this is how it is. Fill in the damns if you like, but make sure there are plenty.
I do know that it is less than a year until it might well be possible for me to go out and work but right now, as huge as that dream is, it has to stay a dream. Just for now though, I am going to look into maybe doing some training that CAN be done while Isaac is still at home part of the day and when he starts school in January maybe I will better prepared to go out and do something even better. I have an appointment on friday to see what is available to me.
I've never even thought through a pros and cons list for husbands...never seemed a sensible idea somehow. I'm almost certain that if I did I wouldn't think a wobbly toothless grin would be sufficient payback for all the headaches though!

Happy Birthday, dear Elijah.

Happy birthday to you.....
Two years since my Elijah Henry was born, just before midnight with alarming speed, with his right arm above his head, fist clenched tight, in superman pose he shot into this world and was so incredibly beloved from the very second I saw his sweet face. A shock of dark, dark spikey hair and gloriously dark skin, scrumpled face and kissy lips I knew this boy, my heart recognised him and welcomed him and sang at the very sight and smell of him.
Eli was conceived 2 weeks after a miscarriage, horrible sad time when I had gone for my first ultrasound and been told that the baby had died and should be taken away. No time to grieve and Elijah was conceived in a sweet moment of feeling alive and loved by my H.
My pregnancy with him was a time of turmoil, making huge decisions and leaving H in L.A while I flew back to theUK , we had no clue how or when or even IF he would be able to join us I just knew that we had to leave America and fly home.
No matter how hard or worrying things were I knew Elijah was a calm baby, just carrying him made me feel good, I swear I knew him right from the beginning and no matter how many people told me how stupid I was to be having him, no matter how much 'advice' I was given, no matter what comments I endured, I knew that there was nothing accidental or foolish about this child's being.
H arrived in the UK on july 22nd...2 days before I was admitted to hospital to be induced! Elijah had an agenda of his own and was pretty determind NOT to be shifted....3 full days of induction and prodding and he wasn't for shifting!
On the evening of the 26th a foreign doctor was called and came to see what was happening with this older mother to be...41 and on baby number 6, pregnancy number 8. He told me how high the baby was, how closed my cervix was and how the next day he was going to try all kinds of invasive things that would probably end in a c-section. He wasn't the gentlest or most pleasing of doctors and of the sort that obviously thought women were dim and pregnnat old women were by far the dimmest.
"Let me examine you" said he....... anyone have the slightest idea why a woman's reproductive organs are known as privates? Bizarre as they are anything BUT private once you choose to have children, I swear the sound of a snapping glove is enough to bring me out in a cold sweat. I kid you not that once, having gone to the doctor with a horribly sore throat, when he said " let's have a look at you then" I lay down and automatically began to undo my jeans.....thank heavens I realised what I was doing before I had stripped off and struck 'the pose' even he had to laugh when I snorted and said " Oh I'm SO sorry, I've had six children....I forget that it's possible to see a doctor and keep my lower clothes on!"
Anyhoo.....flat on my back, knees a kimbo I swear he rammed his fist in up to the elbow.....JEEEEEEEZ! My arse flew off that bed and my lungs about shot out I gasped so loud! I have NEVER felt anything that painful in my life, do you know what he said ??
" WILL YOU RELAX SO I CAN DO MY JOB PROPERLY?"
RELAX?!?!? Actually that was the best thing he could have said because I found it the funniest thing and I just howled with laughter, I literally had tears streaming down my face it was just so unbelievable.
Well he must have done something because some contractions began right away. I hate to brag but I quite enjoy labour, I never feel any discomfort never mind pain until my babies are quite literally on their way out, I feel the regular tightenings and suddenly they annoy me and without fail I will say, out of the blue.." right, I want to go home" when those words come out of my mouth it is time for people to start running. I sat with H in my room just chatting and feeling my belly 'gripe' I told the nurses that he had made something start but the contractions were just niggling ones. H was reading and I felt restless, I sighed and said " that's it, I want to go home.....oh, go and tell someone I just said that!"
Within minutes I was in the delivery room and was at 6 centimeters......H looked at the nurses and said " 15 minutes usually...." there was some commotion as the midwives thought Eli was breech, they called for the DR who thought he'd do a scan but Eli had other ideas and after 12 minutes of second stage labour out he flew, literally, like superman and at great speed! No heartbeat, not breathing...it didn't take too long for him to be brought 'round and very quickly I was snuggling him and with things quaking with the shock of such a fast labour I held that little boy and fell so in love it was almost painful.
He has been divine for the two years we have had him here....he was the gentlest, most placid baby and rarely cried. He is now a busy, noisy, sweet, naughty and totally delicious little man. We are all smitten with him and also a little in awe of him.......he has such total trust in us, he knows he is adored and seems to command that adoration wherever he goes. He is gramma's darling, Auntie Leah's joy, papa's friend...he is beyond loved and loves with such complete and utter abandonment, he is a true blessing and I am so thrilled to be his mummy.

4 coloured pencils.....

We've been having floods in the bathroom. Empty the sink and the water was just gushing right out the back into ample puddles on the floor. Needless to say that it has taken 4 days to get anyone out to fix it. He came today. 4 coloured pencils, jammed so far down the plughole that the pipe at the back of the sink had split. 4. FOUR. don't you just adore little boys? I love the way their minds work..." ooh wonder what would happen if....." and then to keep doing it, one pencil, two pencils, 3 pencils...four....OK bored now.
Funny how they don't get bored with drawing.....on things that shouldn't be drawn on. Like this computer screen, one of those lovely sort of soft touch things that look like they are fiiled with water, I kind of like poking it myself and watching the shapes but when you're 43 you know that it's probably not the wisest thing to do with. When you're 3 though....man it's fun to use a biro on that screen. Felt tip is onbviously best on the TV screen. Crayon on the walls and nail polish on carpets, or maple syrup mixed with peanuts.
You'd think that these boys are somehow deprived of new sensations, experiences, challenges. Not so..H is the greatest dad for letting them do stuff...it's a common sight to see even Eli having a go with the drill, they get pieces of wood and electric screwdrivers and take turns making great stuff.....they get to cook, make their own cereal, sandwiches, they dig, build, demolish , you name it, they get to try it, wouldn't you think that those odd moments they don't have someone watching them like a hawk they would just relax, watch some TV, read a book, take a nap? I have yet to work out when it is they ARE unsupervised, I swear H and I take shifts! I think these hooligans have board meetings when they are in their room and pretending to sleep, I bet they plan every day in minute detail leaving nothing to chance.
Just as my brain feels it is time to be relaxing and telling itself it is probably time I started cross stitch and reading Woman's weekly, making scrap books of crochet patterns and recipes it is being asked to be five steps ahead of three little boys who have far greater plans for it! How completely lucky am I to have the chance of reliving this joy again, of refusing to cave in to my body and brains demands for rest and grasping such delights again? Sometimes God can be very good.

A note from Elijah Henry aged nearly 2.

I heard that some kids get to play the coolest game...they get put in bed and then they climb out. Their mummies come in a lot of times and put them back in bed and give them drinks and kisses and read stories and this can go on and on and on. For HOURS.
I LOVE the idea of that game, I am very precious, I am mummy's last baby and I felt SO sure that she would have the best fun with this game....yeah, right. Sometimes it sucks being number 6. I guess she's done it all before.

REady or not......

In a few hours I will be 43...FORTY THREE! What in the world? How did that happen? I'm not sure I'm ready.

If I blink it seems like yesterday I passed my 11 plus and was given a place in grammar school and got a brown BSA bicycle as reward ( Lawks that thing was so HEAVY! Sad that by then all my friends had decided they were too old for bikes and so there was no one to peddle the light fantastic with, except my dad who rode with me all the way to Bodmin from Liskeard one sunday, what a lovely dad he is!)

I was in love for the first time just weeks ago wasn't I? Lovely Gary who held my heart for so long...ridiculously long actually- I was 36 before I knew I could get on with life and let this heart beat without drumming his name.

Moments ago I married my first husband with all kinds of expectations and dreams, the first of which was slaughtered on our wedding night when I experienced the physical ' joys' of intimacy for the first time and wondered what in heaven's name all the fuss was about, certainly not stuff Mills and Boon have made a fortune out of and definately a disappointing prize for my virginity. I wonder why a good sneeze is never written about, my experiences in my first marriage were never quite as satisfying as a good sneeze and not even as enjoyable as an ear cleaning session with a Q-tip. Hoorah for second marriages then.

Nearly 20 years since my first baby was born and although I remember it so well, his birth seems forever ago simply because I cannot remember when he wasn't in my life and imagine what the purpose of life before Dan was in it was...except to prepare to be a mother and wait til he arrived.

I am suprisingly thrilled to have discovered during a pre- birthday ponder today that I have achieved so much that I longed to achieve in my heady days of youth when I planned my life with such innocent longing. Needless to say so much has happened that wasn't dreamed of or even thought of or even dreaded but lookie here..I'm here and I'm relatively well, I laugh almost every day ( oh alright, every day ) and can pretty much hold my head up and look myself in the mirror ( if I squint and look sideways)
I have so many experiences that have humbled me beyond belief, caring for sick babies and children is by far the greatest honour, to be responsible for these tiny people who are so sick and so disabled that many say they have no purpose, oh they have such huge reason for being it is terrifying to see how often that is missed. When you hold a baby who is blind, deaf, has fits every waking moment and yet see that same baby grin from ear to ear you have to see that God is with her every second of her life and that she has such a glorious place in heaven you are so blessed to have been a part of her life, if only for a few moments. When you hear that she has died having only been on this earth just over a year and have no doubt that she is now the stongest most beloved spirit amongst spirits and know that she remembers you loved her, that you told ignorant people that she had a purpose , you can't help but know just how tiny your part in all this world is.

There are, naturally, many things that I am not proud of and those have a place in my heart and my mind, what's the point in going through things we regret if we don't remember them and the lessons we learned through them?

Many, many funny moments...like being 14 and having my beloved Parka coat ( all the rage the year before, of course when I got mine after months of pleading and begging, everyone else had decided that anoraks were the' in thing', or denim jackets or something else just not bloody parkas with fox fur around the hood) Fox fur, yes-sir-ee, the real thing I thought, or did I think? I don't believe I gave it a moment's thought until I was tramping the moors one saturday....so close to nature, breathing good air and hearing the sounds of the countryside, birds and wind and the faint sound of the hunt horn being blown........doo-doo DOOOOO. doo doo DOOOOOO. I remember vaguely thinking about the sound and feeling sorrow for the fox that was sure to be running and trying to hide out there on Bodmin moor..... so open, not too many places to hide if you're being chased by the hounds and horses.....OH MY GOOD GRIEF! I've got FOX FUR ON MY PARKA!! Where did dad park the car? Where the hell am I ? Which way? What ? Did I hear those bloody dogs? RUN! QUICK YOU STUPID FOX WEARING IDIOT RUN!
Anyone know why when you are terrified you really need to pee and if you need to pee it's really hard to run but if you don't run you're going to be torn apart by beagles or whatever they use for hunting and they won't care that the fur on my parka is dead will they? they'll smell MY fear and just go for it.....I think I have never run so far or so fast in my entire life before or since , I made it back to the car a full hour before the rest of my family who say they saw me take off like a hunted animal without clue that I thought I actually WAS a hunted animal. I am, to this day, the object of humiliation because of that day. Of course, my fur turned out to be synthetic nothing fur but how was I to know?
Forty three......I sort of mind that number but what's to be done? I am ready to be 63 and a lovely cuddly nana, someone who wears a flowery apron and always has good stuff at her house. I'm just not really ready to be 43 and not quite anything particular, young to have old kids, old to have young kids . Old to have trendy clothes but too young for lovely comfy stretchy clothes that people agree are just right for my age. ( there IS a clothing law you know, I despaired of it in my 20's and wondered how people suddenly seemed so careless about what they wore but honest to goodness it's creeping up on me, I walk past shoe shops and hear myself saying things like " oooh they look so COMFY!" I absolutely understand the draw of an elasticated waist, I am grateful on a daily basis that the love of polyester has so far passed me by but I have had a thought or two about a shopping bag with wheels.....I know, I know, I'm resisting because at a stretch Eli will still go in a pushchair but the day is NOT so far away when I shall crave a sholley and a stretchy foldable shopping bag. Howard already has a coin pouch but he IS 3 years older than me so I'll let him have that one.)
So, ready or not, 43 here I come.

Go, my Isaac!

Isaac on his dream Batman bike " TOE TOOOOL moteybye"


Today was a great day! I saw Isaac battle through a hard time and come out smiling. Isaac had his first party without Seth today, Matthew's party at Matthew's house. It was everything I think a 4 year olds party should be, outside in the garden, bouncy castle, lots of ride on toys and friends.
Isaac was SO excited about this party, we went shopping and bought the now standard leather football and we packed it and tissue papered it and wrote in a card with a badge with 4 on it ( apparantly more exciting than the football in Isaac's eyes) he asked all day if it was time to put his new stripey shirt and jeans on ( whoohoo NEW ones! Bought without consultation by Jordan who is a bit of a fashion lover and said he couldn't resist the trendy jeans and shirt! If he had asked me I would have sworn it was a waste of money but Isaac clapped eyes on those clothes and they have been THE outfit ever since!!) at last we got changed and headed for Matthew's house.
" you stay a me mummy.....you say Happy bert-day a ma-yoo...you say Hello a
Ma-yoo mummy" reassured that I would stay, that I would say the hello's and happy birthdays we went in....with Isaac so tightly behind me, gripping both legs so tight we must have looked the most bizarre sight ( have you ever tried walking to impress with a 3 year old hanging onto the back of your thighs??) He was literally shaking, his fear was so enormous, no Seth to take the attention, all eyes on Isaac and people saying Hello to him....how marvellous then that all seemed to understand very quickly that the very kindest thing to do for Isaac is to pretend he isn't there, give mummy a drink and talk to mummy, make a fuss of the other kids and pretend you don't notice two little sun browned hands loosening their grip on mummy's legs. Ooh look ( just pretend you're NOT looking) there's a little face with saucer like eyes peering 'round from behind mummy....they have seen the bouncy castle and darn it if they aren't just getting bigger at the thought of having a tremendous bounce on it. Oh Oh.....we can see that Joe is here and Levi and Heather...uh oh Sophie and Carina the naughty twins are here too ( great they get LOTS of attention no-one will notice Isaac )
"Mummy...... I go in a car, you watch me, say no uvver mummy watch me, only you watch me" and he was off...had a splendid time racing in a play car, the bouncy castle called his name and who on this earth can jump and bounce and crash and NOT laugh and shout and love every moment?
The other kids were great and somehow they seem to understand that just to say his name and invite him is enough, invite him to play and then make no fuss and my Isaac is happy, he bounced and jumped and bounced some more and out bounced all the other kids who got tired and went to find other games....suddenly there was my sweaty Isaac, positively beaming and he said " Mummy, me bit lonely in here" My Isaac- LONELY, wanting company!! We played pass the parcel ( which was hard at first as he had to look at who he was passing to and then deal with being looked AT while he had a turn to tear the paper and find a treat ) and then we went in to eat, can you imagine my heart when we walked into Matthews house to get some party food and my Isaac's little voice said " Oh Ma-yoo, you got LUFFLY home!"
He stood and chewed on his fingers while we sang happy Birthday but he loved the Madagascar cake and the party bag was such treasure, his pride was immeasureable on the drive home, he did it, he went to a party and he LOVED it, the next one will be easier and more fun and hopefully HIS party will be the ultimate joyful day for him.
My pride in him today was overwhelming, he is my joy.

me, me, ME ! Oh and some more about me -added Friday.

That's what this blog is about. Me. All of it. Of course I will talk about other people in my life but it will be about how they make ME feel. That's the whole purpose of this blog, to be able to say what I feel, whether it's a good feeling or not, righteous or not, worthy or not. It's mine. About ME.
I have six children and a husband and my whole life is about them, my every waking thought and action is for their well being, comfort, safety, happiness. From washing underwear to comforting fears their lives are my concern. It is of immence importance to me that my family knows that they are number 1 to me and so that's my job. What this means though, is that more often than not, I swallow my preferences to accommodate theirs, I sacrifice something I would like to enable them to have what they would like. This isn't a plea for recognition or reward, this is the fact of my life, I am not complaining, I am explaining.
So then, this blog is here for me to escape and to verbally vomit those things that I feel I need to get out, those momentary grouches that at times feel so valid and so HUGE that I just want to blurt them out somewhere. It works, I always feel so good when I have been here. Refreshed, validated, calmed.
What this blog IS NOT about is having people tell me I am wrong. Often I am, I know that. Perfection is so far away from me I'm amazed I know what it means.
On a daily basis I see what I could do differently, what should be done better, what could be changed. I do not need anyone coming here and telling me I am wrong. Thankyou. Don't point out my flaws, I have had enough people do that in the past. Don't try and make me feel like crap....get to the back of the line matey and wait your turn, except it will never BE your turn because this blog is MINE and I choose what happens here. Be mean and you'll be deleted. Simple. say anything I don't like and "POOF" you're gone. Isn't that just GREAT? I am Goddess of my blog I can wipe you out and make it as if you never were, so, don't waste your time even trying to teach me how to be a better person.
I have a life, in it are facts, realities, necessities, dreams, huge dreams and never in a million years will it ever happen dreams. This blog is the place I come to express some of the realities, many of the necessities and facts and to dream my dreams. I love it here, I can be who I like, dream what I like and say what I like...my dreams are just that, big houses, new kitchens, posh cars, no worries. My life ISN'T like that and I am acutely aware that if I so desired, I have the power to change that.
I have chosen, always, to be at home with my children...5 of the six have had or do have, special needs, extreme special needs and I have chosen to forego many, many material things in order to give my children my time, my love and my energies. I choose children, not stuff, I choose my family, not stuff..this is my life and I CHOSE IT. There are times when I look at the 'stuff' other people have and I envy them, for a few seconds...then I look at what I have, what I have given my children and I wouldn't trade a second of it.
None of my 3 older children have EVER mentioned not having designer labels as they grew up, none of them even knew we had no money, none of them ever call me or come home and say that they remember any of the toys, gifts, clothes they had when they were little. Every one of them talks about the picnics, remembers that they came home from school and ALWAYS found me there. They all remember being able to jump in puddles with Me watching them, remember christmas preparations and talk about the fact that everything they had was done by me. They remember feeling safe and happy and being the envy of their friends because they ahd ME. Reward indeed ...not that I was ever looking for any.
I am so mad that one comment on my blog has made me feel this need to explain myself. I could spit at the fact that the comment made me feel like crap.
I am of the ilk that will dig her heels in just to be stubborn when confronted and to hell with what people think......and normally I would behave as if I hadn't even read that comment and to hell with what they think.
One part of that comment hit home though and I will just say that it is my birthday on sunday...on monday, when my friend called and asked me to meet her the next day I was SO excited. I never go out, never do anything that could be remotely thought of as selfish or indulgent but this was going to be FUN. Jordan was happy for me ( good kids are like that, if you show them how great it feels to be kind they learn it well) and he said " hey mum, I have no idea what to get you for your birthday and when I ask you always say nothing, so, have this money and have a REALLY good day" and he gave me £50.
I was SO touched and immediately gave him some of it back. So yes, I did take money from my child. It paid for my petrol and I did have a great day, I walked around all day thinking that if I saw something I liked, for ME I could buy it.thankyou Jordan and it was made even greater by Jordan saying he would collect Seth from school so I didn't even have to clock watch. My day out was made fabulous by my son. Shoot me. Then I bought some matching shirts for my little boys and some lovely food for dinner with my family. I hope you feel better now that I have justified myself to you because I feel like shite.
At the moment I don't have a paid job but don't you dare say I don't work. I have 3 children who all appear to have special needs, a husband who is sick and for many reasons can't work outside the home. What we do in our lives is our business and it is hard. Much harder than passing the buck and leaving strangers to deal with the problems while we rake in the cash and buy our kids big toys to make us feel better.
This is NOT a bashing of working mothers, this is a reply to the comment that was left on MY blog. I am not stupid, I know that if I want a nice house I have to work for it ( unless I win the lottery then how sick would you feel?! Hell that makes me want to win it even more just to rub it in!) obviously I don't want it enough, which is why it is my DREAM!! Get it? My Dream ... and as I said before, you can't take that away from me. So go away and stop trying.


Just a PS...this e.mail came to me today...sent mistakenly to me instead of someone else, it is talking about an e.mail I sent tellinga friend I had been talking to someone about working for a nursing agency caring for people at home. Of course it seems all the credit for this move is to be given to the stupid arse who left the comment about how I should work for a living and the things I want and not just sit at home taking money from my children. As if.....I have been working towards going to work for months and this opportunity came this week, it is by no means set in stone which is why I haven't blogged about it yet, I just told a few people I like about the conversation....I didn't tell the sender of this e.mail because I don't tell her anything The sender of this e.mail is actually someone I have been breaking my neck to avoid.
Anyway, here it is....I am off to put out the fire under my butt so I can sit on it all day and wait for one of my kids to bring home some cash. ( ahhh I knew there was a reason I had so many, any day now I can live in the lap of luxury and have my offspring keep me in style!!)

Wow, good for her! I have never ventured into the world of blogs, just finding out about them really yesterday, but whomever lit the fire under Helen's butt did her a huge favour (just my opinion). Rob told me he read her blog last night and that she did a whole entry in reply to the deleted comment you sent me...so much for her "I don't care what you say" attitude. Maybe something really good will come out of it!

Something really good DID come out of it.....I learned that you probably shouldn't trust people sometimes and always go with your instincts, if you feel someone is better avoided, avoid them. Unfortunately we all care about what people say or think about us, it hurts and personally I hate it that I can be so stung by comments. DO I let it alter my life? No of course not but I certainly haven't reached a stage where I can read something mean about me or mine and not feel a twinge or be affected to some degree. I have had my say on this now and won't get into it anymore. I will delete , as promised anything I don't like and bask in the kind thoughts and wishes that come my way, after all this is all about ME.

Ramblings and dreams.

Oh thankyou thankyou!! Elijah the Henry boy is better, sweet joy, he woke up this morning and we were treated to that completely perfect and irresistable goofy grin and we could see we were in for a great day of making up for lost time. It's so easy to forget just how funny they are capable of being when they just cry and scream and whine for days, he has been so poorly and what a joy to see him back to naughty mode again. I know he is my 6th baby but it isn't even a tiny bit less exciting to see and hear how he is growing every day. He is learning to really speak, oh I love it, every sweet word that is lisped out of his divine mouth makes my heart skip a beat, not one taken for granted. He is quite a bit behind most of my children at this age but ahead of Isaac with his speech....he is just reaching the age where he will begin to display evidence of autism if it is there.
We see signs every day of course and we tell ourselves that it is autism, the next day it is put down to just being nearly 2....we're told over and again that no-one can know until he is nearer 3 if he will have aspergers or any other kind of autism but that doesn't stop us going almost cross eyed looking out for the signs. What will we do if he DOES develop autism, well whatever it takes, my sensible head tells me that to look for signs is ridiculous, if it comes, it comes.....my frightened 'please no more' head tells me that maybe I can do something, pray harder, hope stronger and I can send it on it's way. Eli is just so cheeky, just so deliciously naughty...it will be such a particular waste if this glorious cheek is dimmed in anyway. ( remind me of this when he's 14 and up to no good!!)
Seth had his first school report today, brilliant of course, more impressive is that he is a helpful and sweet friend and classmate, how clever that he is battling against his natural tendancies to boss and control..good boy my Seth Meister.

I was ridiculously excited today.....I didn't post that my coveted house next door was sold, my heart sank and I truly felt as though my hopes were crushed when I saw that sold sign go up. I couldn't even bear to put in writing. That must have been 3 or 4 weeks ago and I have gulped back ridiculous tears too often when imagining who was going to be in MY house with the 4 bedrooms and 3 toilets-- THREE TOILETS--- who was going to stroke those never before used kitchen worktops?


Who was going to park in MY drive and look out of MY windows?

I wondered if there would be children walking on those brand new carpets with bare feet just out of the bath and my soul wept when I found it it was a family with ONE child. ONE child in a 4 bedroomed 3 bathroomed house.
I am infinitely grateful that we have THIS house, it could be worse and so many people in the world would give their eye teeth for a house like this but we're SO squashed and there are 3 babies and 1 teenager in one of the bedrooms. One shower, one toilet. All this matters not as much as the fact that it isn't ours and I won't go into all that boloney about the inspections and handing over so much money every month that isn't being used to make US more secure or make this more OUR home.
Anyhoo, the SOLD sign was taken down today, something must have fallen through and MY house is mine to dream about again.
Such a modest dream I think...not a mansion or a castle, just a home, a real home that my little boys can grow up in, make memories in...where my big kids can have space and privacy and where my family can just 'be'.
I need a fairy Godmother or a lottery win....not Extreme makeover home edition for me, fabulous though that is, it's just too much, just a fairy Godmother who tells me that I can just live next door and never worry about having to move again. Sweet dreams are made of this! Can't take them away from me.

Florence Nightingale...I'm not.

I can do the 24 hour things..bugs, viruses whatever you throw at me, I can handle the 24 hour kind. With 6 people apart from me in a house that still means that for 6 days or so I will be like a blue arsed fly buzzing around being compassionate, almost does me in, but I somehow manage it.
The week long crapola, I'm dying- feel my head-splutter- cough- slouch stuff I just can't do. On average you can guarantee that 2-3 will get a lurgy type deal at a time and then they all overlap. My head gets to the point where it feels that if it has to deal with just one more whine it will simply shoot off my shoulders and whizz around the room making a high pitched whistling noise til it falls deflated and spent in a corner somewhere, where, I suspect, someone will kick it to see if it can still hear while it's being asked to look at some tonsils. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR TONSILS! I hear you have a sore throat, I believe you, I will fetch tablets and tell you again how simply magical salt water is when gargled but DON'T MAKE ME LOOK AT IT!
I am marginally more patient with the honest to goodness moaning woe is me patient than the martyr type, Lord help me H is a Martyr ( capitol M there please notice) little coughs and loud sighs, stretched silences and croaky " no I'm fine"s Very good, thank heavens for that... perhaps you can help with the other 5 people who are apparantly dying then. Oh righto, not that fine after all it seems.
I will never understand sick children...if I am ill and my head hurts and my throat hurts and I ache I would like to go to bed please, ( actually I would like to go to bed even if none of it hurts please) let me sleep, all quietly and snuggled and just let me have a nice drink every now and then, otherwise leave me alone thankyou very much indeed. Why do children NOT know that is a good thing? Why do they do that snot faced howling til they puke? Why do they feel so sure that following me to the toilet whilst screaming will make them feel better? Is standing next to me while I pee some kind of unrecorded cure all for the under 5's? Could I sell the space next to my right leg in our teeny tiny toilet and make a fortune, or do you think it is obligatory to actually have come from my womb in order for the healing properties to work?
I am a trained nurse you know, letters after my name and everything..not too suprising that I never did another day after my training finished is it? I can truly say that although I like to think I am a loving sort, Florence Nightingale I most definately am not.

Heavens, could it be true?

I am going out tomorrow, all day..to have FUN! I am meeting up with a friend from forever ago, we nursed together and shared a flat together and all these years later we are still friends.
We are meeting, in rather a clandestine type of way, on Plymouth Hoe, by the lighthouse!!
http://www.beautiful-devon.co.uk/plymouth.htm

She has a mazda sports car with soft top...how glam is that? No wriggling ankle biters you see, two very independant and leavable big people and a conservatory, so Mandy can have a flash car and I shall be flash in it tomorrow ( and not give the thought of knotted curly hair in tangled matts around my ears a thought..I shall pretend I am sophisticated and lean back with my face in the sun while we watch the seashore whizz by, although if I have my face in the sun I shan't see very much of anything really will I?) I shall park my hulking great 14 year old 7 seater in the nearest car park and lock my jaded mind in with the car seats.
My Jordan gave me a veritable fortune of £50 to spend on a fab lunch or whatever I like and do you know, I do believe that I will indeed not think about anything dull or worrying tomorrow and just have a great day. My soul feels in need of a great day..did you know the soul can get weary? It can and mine is.
I think I remember being 19 and being Mandy's friend...but good heavens how long ago was that? How many lifetimes have I lived since then? I wish I knew how to write a book, my life has been so full and so different to the way I planned it and the way I imagined it way back then . I was saving myself for all the special things that were sure to be mine. *sigh*
I've had a less than perfect day today, frustrated and tired I said things to H that were probably best left unsaid, not constructive and not even kind. In my defence I was provoked and we are both so worn out by lack of sleep and the endless crying that is going on here with so much illness. I have reverted somewhat to the miserable me and fear that I will slip...that can't happen if I don't let it can it? Maybe if I can get some sleep tonight and recharge my batteries tomorrow it will all seem brighter. Here's hoping!

A new trick.

I bought a new iron today ( whoopdidoo!) I actually find ironing very relaxing and have realised that the worst time for me are the evenings, I could sit and snack all night, so, I set up the ironing board in the front room and I iron while I watch TV. Cool. ( or sad......wouldn't some hefty lovin' be more exciting? I suppose so, but you can't leave that all piled up on the sofa to impress everyone the next morning can you? )
If I ever post that scrubbing the kitchen floor at 5am is my new hobby send the men in white coats over or feed me some cake 'cause we'll know this thing has just gone too far!

Can you see?

How gorgeous this girl is?
( little hoochie popped her boobs out just to freak me out just as I was taking the picture!!) When I see her laughing and sweet like this I just ache for her to be my friend! She is, when she lets herself, very funny ( although a tad too unselfconscious if that is possible!)

H has been on a day trip today with Seth, so just Sophie and I with the little boys, I took her with me to a car boot sale and then after we had lunch we went to Teignmouth to the park and I cooked her all time favourite for dinner, Gammon steaks and baked potatoes.......she was glorious and it shows me how much she still needs me to make a fuss of her no matter how grown up that body of hers is. She loves me, this girl. Very good, nice to remember that for the times she could fool me otherwise.
It's- exhausting- spending- the- day- with- Sophie- she- is- capable- of- talking- without- taking- a- breath- about- things- that- make- no- sense- at- all- without- stopping- to- even- let- me- know- she- has- switched- subjects. My mind , I think, has managed to become quite good at letting it sort of skim over the top of my head whist picking out the bits a mother's ears should always hear, like the time they came down this road....which road? THIS road? You need a CAR to come down this road! What car? Who's car? How old is HE? When did you come down this road? WHEN?!? Exhausting but lovely. She'll be grown soon ( won't she?) so these days together are a bit precious.
I'm glad I had my girl, boys are so much easier to raise then girls but I suspect that somehow, this girl will actually make me so proud one day that all the fight and the tears will have been so worth it.

Well what d'ya know?

If I haven't gone and had a few thoughts this week that have made me almost jump in suprise because of their absolute normality! I had a crazy day yesterday, hardly stopped charging around from the minute my weary and unfocused eyes opened way before I would have let them had the choice been mine up until I sat here last night with my twitchy legs and blissful silence. At 5pm when my Isaac and I left his speech therapy ( where he was deliciously cheeky and quite gloriously brave) I realised that I was ravenously hungry. Did you get that? Me. HUNGRY!
Darn it if I hadn't parked the car right near the clinic but so far away from the shop I decided I had to buy 3 heavy bags of groceries from....oh that feeling of having your feet stuck in mud, a turn of the century ( but not the last one, probably the one before that) yoke thing around my neck with the weight of the world on it, the heat of hell itself ( I wonder if England will EVER feel the need for A/C? A twiddly little residential fan next to the till is just not going to do it in a shop full of sweating people and a cashier who is hell bent on being in the guinness book of records for being the most useless and ineffectual and not even attractive, in the world.) and the realisation that the car is a good 15 minute walk away and you have a weary and hungry 3 year old who just can't walk ferry well mummy because his yegs are ferry tiyered.
I stood rooted and dripping and ready to weep when I realised I was hungry, really hungry....hell's teeth, I'm amazed that I even recognised the feeling I have been a grazer for so many years that my stomach hasn't known the need to rumble since who can say when. Remarkable in itself but just wait for the next bit....." Wow" thought I, " I am SO hungry, I am going to really, REALLY enjoy my dinner tonight" DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?! Not a single thought of " where's the nearest bakery?" not even a gentle pull towards the paper shop and the shelves of delicious cadbury's chocolate. Honest to Betsy ( whoever she is) I truly just imagined how bloody great that plate of grilled lamb and brocolli was going to be.
THEN.....I have discovered that I can get full. HA! get halfway through a meal and realise that I don't actually want any more food and I don't eat it! 3 times this week, even though I have been serving myself portions half the size I have been forcing myself to eat for years, I have left food on my plate!!
Where is this all coming from? Do you understand that if I could answer that question I wouldn't NEED to win the lottery, I could sell the answer and be so rich it wouldn't be funny!
What has happened inside this head of mine that after years- and I am talking at least 22 years- of just being obsessed with food and eating and needing and wanting, never mind the hating, revulsion, disgust, misery, suddenly food is something that is great, keeps me alive, is incredible when eaten properly and that's it. It doesn't hurt me , it doesn't make me sneak and hide or control me. If there is a prayer in my heart it has to be that this lasts that whatever it is that happened is for good.
It's not saturday, but let me tell you that this week I lost 5lbs. FIVE pounds.....so in 3 weeks and 6 days I have lost 15 lbs. Can you imagine? I honestly am beginning to think that it is entirely possible that weight loss is as much to do with the mind as the body; time and time again I have dieted, changed the way I eat etc and lost some weight but it has HURT. It has been a painful and bitter struggle and I swear that my head has held onto the fat somehow. eventually it just got too hard and I just couldn't do it anymore. Weight back on, plus some. Old story.
I am not doing anything I haven't done before, I have still eaten chips, crusty bread, real butter, ice cream. I haven't forbidden anything, but I THINK differently, if I feel like eating something that isn't great food, I think about it and tell myself that if I still want it later when... ( say for example, when I have done the laundry if I still want that ice cream I'll have it) chances are that actually I forget I even thought about it, if not, then I eat it, however, the very second I feel that I've had enough, I stop, throw the rest away. Sometimes it has taken just 2 or 3 of Eli's crisps and that feeling of 'need' is gone, great, no need to eat the whole packet ( or 3 ) then.
This is very good, I like it, I like feeling better, I can't wait to start looking better too...hooray for having something to look forward to !

When I win the lottery.

Because I am going to you know. I am going to do all kind sof things frivolous, sensible, charitable, spontaneous and grand. I am going to one thing completely fabulous and it is this.
I am going to hire out this place.......http://www.castlehoward.co.uk/metadot/index.pl and I am going to invite my many most glorious cyber friends. They shall come from all over the world, The states, Canada, Australia and anywhere else they jolly well feel like and I am going to BE the grandest and most divine hostess. Everything gloriously English, of course.
Full english breakfast...eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, fried bread, tomatoes, you name it we'll have it. NO ONE WILL DO ANY CLEANING UP OR HELPING OR SERVING.
Of course we will have cream teas at 4 o'clock.
We will visit more stately homes , parks, see the sights but most of all we will just glory in meeting each other. We will kiss each others completely perfect children , we will do that hideous squealing thing that I actually despise women doing but have the horrible suspicion that will happen regardless of how much I despise it.
We won't notice what anyone is wearing, we won't see if anyone is fat, or skinny, we will wear the smile that only comes when in the company of true and eternal friends.
Partners will of course be there too but they shall be free to stay or wander off and allow themselves the right to avoid the afore mentioned squealing thing. Children are obliged to come as it is a lifelong wish for me to see my boys with Jenn's boys and let the rest of the world go home feeling they had a narrow escape. There will, of course be such great child care that we will be totally free to sit and talk and laugh and cry while our precious darlings are entertained, fed and happy.
We will learn about how others live and what we can do to make life easier, happier, calmer for each other and those around us.
There is something about cyber friendships that is so totally different from friends met at work, school, church....somehow the boundaries are down, the pretences aren't there, the raw and unavoidable reality is just right there and yet somehow we still love and accept and even rejoice because we see how easy it is to accept whilst being so aware of all the frailties and imperfections.
I sometimes think that H is baffled by my time spent on the computer, to him it is a place to be when you need to look something up, learn, read, and indeed, it is. Apart from his brief and incredibly successful sojourn into computer dating where he met me and so was done with such necessities, he is completely at a loss as to what I gain from spending time here. ( although I suspect he is immensely grateful as without it I may well talk his brain out and make his ears bleed)
How did I live before I had a computer? Just 5 years ago I was scared to death of the very mention of it and here I am with the world at my fingers!
So people....put your name down on the guest list, my win is coming soon I feel it in my water...who's up for an English get together ? Gosh wouldn't that be truly splendid?
Oh Julie let me in on the fact that it is possible to allow anon comments, so, no need to sign up or open an account to leave a message....

God bless you, every one.

This will be one of those entries that just kind of come out as they will...I know what I WANT to say, I certainly know what I feel but am not entirely sure how I am going to put it down.
Parenting. Toughest job in the world to do well. It's the longest lasting job and there is never a gold watch at the end because it DOESN'T end!
I have to say that my journey as a mother has been a rollercoaster, from the minute I clapped eyes on my wrinkly old man baby Dan on August 25th 1985 and understood completely what love was all about.
Every battle with my loud mouthed, opinionated, impossible only daughter, leaves me feeling as though I have been on the fastest most terrifying ride at the fair. I scarcely have time to gather strength in between bouts with this woman child.
Jordan is my mystery boy, keeps himself to himself, works hard, says he loves me and never behaves in any way to make me doubt that.
Seth, my mini professor, I fear that there will be battles with this little brain box later too as he is already pretty sure that we are all somewhat inferior to him and that I, especially, leave much to be desired when it comes to knowing anything, not quite five and already master of his own mind ( and trying to be master of mine!!)
Isaac, Darling Isaac, who yesterday was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome, a name for all his eccentricities and obsessions.....nothing has changed with a label, just the amount of help we will get to ensure he grows well and happy.
Elijah Henry, always fitting to use his full name as he commands such attention. Nearly 2 my baby boy and just divine and naughty and snuggly and so bloody cute I could eat him on a biscuit.
None of us know what the future will bring for our children and I wish more parents understood that their role in life is to give life to their children and teach them to be strong, honourable, true to themselves and then allow them to choose how THEY will ive their lives.
I had no idea what motherhood would bring and thank the Lord for that I say! So much of my experience so far has been flying by the seat of my pants and hoping for the best. what I can say though is that I simply cannot imagine abandoning a child of mine, rejecting him or her because I don't agree with, dislike or even just not understand any choices or way of life they take as they grow.
Part of being a mother is accepting that if you have taught your children well, given them strength and courage, allowed them the chance to think and understand for themselves, at some stage they will think and understand and then act on the things they know about themselves.
I don't say for a moment that I expect to be thrilled with the paths my children take at all times. I don't understand Dan's life at all, I have wept and struggled with coming to terms with my boy being gay. Not because he is gay particularly, but more to do with the fact that my ideas and MY hopes for him have died. Tough luck mummy, get over it. Who knows what may have come if Dan was straight? Who knows what I will have to stand back and watch with Jordan or Sophie. It is not my childrens' job to make me happy, not their job to choose to live their lives to please me. Hard fact to learn when of course we would love that to be the case isn't it?
How extraordinary then that it is becoming more and more evident that actually they ARE making me happy!
I have been reading more and more sad stories of parents who turn their backs on their children because they are gay.....sad, sad, sad...what is it that can make a parent do this? Fear I suspect, ignorance I am sure, pride perhaps?
Having watched from the sidelines while Daniel battled with the knowledge that he was gay, having witnessed and been so powerless to step in and take away this torture and fear, I am heartbroken that their are mothers who can add to that pain and increase that misery and fear by fulfilling the worst part of the worry and being angry, judging and becoming anger filled because their child isn't what they planned, won't be what they wanted, can't do what they hoped.
It is the same as if they choose to be an artist instead of the doctor you thought they should be, if they decide that being on stage is far better for them than studying at university.
How many mothers are missing out on watching and discovering what heights their children can reach if they are supported and loved and praised for making a choice and sticking with it, being the best at whatever they are and grabbing every moment of glory. ( but, fate fairies, if you are reading, please don't let Sophie choose to be a pole dancer because that one would be hard to come to terms with, although something tells me with her body she would make a fortune, lets just not even think of going that way!!)
I would never have imagined either of my sons would work in restaurants or behind a bar...me the teetotal mormon girl!! But they are so GOOD at what they do, so praised and enjoyed and rewarded by their bosses and customers alike. Both hugely successful at very young ages and they chose it and work at it and enjoy it.
I talk about mothers because I am one, I can't begin to understand or imagine a fathers feelings so won't even try but I know what it is to be a mother.......it is by far the most difficult thing to come to term with your childs sexuality, imagine your parents having sex and then mutliply that ARGH!!! factor by about 100 and you can get a glimpse of the weirdness of imagining your child knowing about sex....don't even try to imagine them HAVING sex because your head might explode. Add to that the fact that your child is gay and you may as well just call the funny farm because it sooooo way out there you're just never going to get your head around it, don't even try!
What I can't understand is how a mother can take that one aspect of a childs life and allow it to mean so much they reject the whole child, the soul that grew under her heart and just throw it out?! Daniel is gay, he is in love with another man and that freaked me out because I didn't understand it. Big deal, not my place to understand it, it's my place to love him. I am totally thrown when I see Dan and Shawn together because Dan is so masculine, he is 6' 3", deep voice, strong body, nothing about him suggests he is gay..Shawn is his total opposite, small, feminine, slightly squeaky voice, wears make up, walks with the bum cheek thing, has manicures and weekly beauty regimes.....more girlie than a girl would be I suspect, do I understand the attraction? Not a bit! Does that matter? Not a bit ! Is Daniel happy? Absolutely, he gets to be the tough one having been the gentle one all his life. I see cards and sweet tokens of love and affection in his flat, I see his face light up when he gets a call if he is down here and Shawn is at home.
What would I be missing if I had turned my boy away ? I wouldn't see that at 19 he is manager of a great restaurant. Would have missed the phone call to tell me that he had passed top in a recruitment for the special constabulary, wouldn't have had the phone calls when he was worried last month about the move to his new flat, and I wouldn't have heard him tell me that I am the only person in the world he can call and know that just hearing my voice makes him feel better. I wouldn't have heard him say that no matter how old he gets or wherever he lives he will always need me.

Dear Lord, what are these other mothers losing by turning away in fear? Even with an inbuilt and undeniable faith, even with lifelong christian morals that may tell any one of us that homosexuality is wrong, that STILL isn't a reason to turn away a child because they are gay, we have only the right to make decisions for ourselves, we can teach our children what WE think is right but just as we have the right and duty to live as we feel is right in order to feel we are at peace with ourselves, so do our children.
These children are the same ones we bathed, same ones we melted at when we saw that first wobbly smile, same ones who made us crayon mothers day cards, who made us proud with A report cards ( actually that's NOT true, mine never did that so that bit was just for poetic value!!) They don't become different people or monsters because they love differently than we do.
Our children are loaned to us to love, nurture, support, teach and cherish. I am eternally grateful that I am able to do that for my children. For all those mothers out there who can't do that, my heart weeps for you. For all those children who have, and are, suffering because being who you are is just too much for your mothers to deal with...God bless you, everyone.

I think I am melting....

Wouldn't that be great? It is HOT here, sweaty and humid and hot hot hot and we are worshipping fans and iced water.

I really do feel as though I am melting and if you think about it fat doesn't stand the heat does it? H insists on leaving the butter out on the side in the kitchen and it is a runny liquid mess. I wish that I could wake tomorrow and all my fat be a liquid mess inside my skin and when I go for that early morning pee it would all pee itself out and I would be a slyph like thing with no clothes to wear because they are all TOO BIG ! ! !
Why doesn't it work that way I wonder? Seems frightfully unfair that in reality, we fatsters just get hotter than thin people, sweat more than thin people ( please don't tell me I smell more than thin people because a thin man walked past me today and good heavens to Betsy I almost came over very feminine and swooned...oooooieeeee where's his mother for heavens sake? I mean I try to be tactful when the need arises after Jordan comes home from 12 hours in a baking hot kitchen and feels the need to be in the same room as me, but it's only fair that someone is loving enough to steer a stinker in the general direction of the soap and flannel!) and then it all becomes so unbearable that an ice cream is no longer a treat but a lifesaving necessity ( and have you tried those Senses ice creams by the makers of Magnum? Oh heavens, if they are bad for you it's the best way to go I tell you!)
In Devon we are doomed to dietry failure with Kelly's clotted cream ice cream and every kind of tempting frozen nicety. I actually don't normally like Ice cream but in this heat it is the treat from the angels, especially as you absolutely have to scoff it or it melts in seconds so cram it in and praise the freezer) So you don't lose melted fat, it stays right where you left it and gains some more, bloody wicked way to have worked that one out if you ask me!
Good job then, that I ,can't afford an over abundance of treats, so the ice cream goes to my beloveds and I stick with Iced water feeling as though I am just about as marvellous as it is possible to be and hoping that the fat will melt in triumphant reward to be peed out tomorrow morning. What are the chances then?!

Talk the good talk or you'll fight the good fight!

Did I tell you that the first husband used to make me walk 20 yards behind him? Not from the start but near the end, when I was pregnant with sophie he wouldn't let me walk with him but would march ahead and I would trot behind him for 2 miles into town. By then of course I was so convinced that I was hideous, stupid, worthless, repulsive that it wouldn't have occurred to me to argue about it, wouldn't have thought to tell him to just keep walking and hope he lands in hell.
I had a line that I mustn't cross if I wanted to meet him from work..." Don't go past the corner, wait there and I'll come to you, I don't need people to know you're with me" Oh Ok then, that's understandable isn't it?
You think you get over this stuff when you get over the person. When they've gone and you see as clearly as day that actually THEY have the problem, they are the insecure ones who need to bully and abuse in order to feel big, especially when you watch from the outside and they do it again and again to every women they meet and say they love....ugh what sad, pathetic creatures, thank goodness we escaped, absolute bloody nutters. It doesn't go though, no matter how convinced you are that they are stupid, that tiny part right as deep as deep can be keeps whispering that he may be right.
When H sulks, when he shuts off in his aspergers kind of way, he may as well be making me walk behind him, every feeling of misery and helplessness that I felt dragging my stupid self behind the first husband as he walked laughing with his friend, or his mother or our sons, comes flooding back and my snivelling little soul cries, because I so don't want to feel so hateful, I so don't want to feel so worthless that I'm not even worth talking to, explaining to, loving. " oh please don't ignore me, please don't make me know I'm useless, PLEASE don't make me feel like I should crawl into a black hole and just give up"
H was still quiet this morning and I had the choice of either just going out or facing him....I faced him. I told him that I had to go and try to sort out some of the mess we are in financially and while I was gone he had better remember that he should actually be on his knees every day of his life thanking the Lord for everything that is done for him , he could work out what his problem was and deal with it or find out how it feels to be on the receiving end of some of his behaviours and he'd better believe that I'm really good at it when I try.
H grew up with a lot of anger and so he isn't good with it, his way of not being angry ( he thinks ) is to be quiet and not open his mouth until he can trust himself not to lose control...when he told me what the problem was this morning, it was so simple it made me weep.......what can I do to get the message across that talking isn't a bad thing? I haven't told him much about the first husband because it's done with....but it isn't is it? Maybe I should tell him and he may understand that his way of dealing with anger is so damaging to me that he risks blowing it all. We have so much together and are so good for each other that I feel immense frustration at this stumbling block we have.
We had a great day with the boys, went to a fabulous park and watched them run riot and have fun and when we were talking he just stroked my back. It is like balm to me to just be touched by him. We are both very damaged by various things in our lives and are both about 4 emotionally......I need him which infuriates me and I know he needs me, which calms me.
I took a picture today that soothes my soul, my baby with my 6' 5" 2nd son.....I made these perfect people!!



Oh-- the saturday catch up...... only 1 lb down this week making it -10lbs. still loads to go but not as much as 3 weeks ago. HOWEVER.....for the first time in nearly 20 years of being over weight my skin is SPOT FREE!! Not a zit, spot, blotch in sight YEAY for water by the gallon!! My blood pressure has come down and I washed my jeans and did them up straight from the drier without having to even breath in!!Hoorah for good fresh food and fresh air! This week has been a tough one and there have been 2 or 3 times where I reverted back to the eat crap because I feel crap mode, but guess what? it didn't spiral, didn't hit me and make me feel useless and stupid and what's the point? I just ate some junk food, enjoyed it and thought " now stop". Is that what normal people do? Eat something they fancy and then stop? Cool!
It has still been a good week, in fact a great week, because I haven't felt that I have let myself down a bit and that's what this whole exercise is about, increasing my self esteem, feeling stronger and lifting my feelings self worth. 3 whole weeks of being kind to me...truly a record for me!
I have now lost more than the required amount from my doctor to be given a prescription to prevent my body absorbing fat, for now I will hold off as things are going so well just as is, if I hit a glitch where everything stops and I lose the enthusiasm maybe I wil go for it then, right now this is just as good as it gets!

Somebody grab my knees!

What kind of title is that ? You may well ask!
Well, being me is sometimes tough. Actually, being me is usually tough.
I'm not entirely sure why or when or how all the big stuff became my responsibility. Maybe I took it all on thinking I was somehow superwoman, maybe it's been dumped on me, who knows and actually what does it matter?

I think my life is extaordinary, by that I mean not normal and full of things that others don't go through...(or keep to themselves and not let on they are going through) there is so much going on in any one day that on it's own might be a struggle but added to the other stuff is just too overwhelming.
We have no money, our outgoings are way over the incomings and we don't have anything much to show for it..not flash car on H.P. No big mortgage just big rent paying someone else's mortgage. We are the car boot sale, reclaimation yard, other peoples' junkers of the world. With the exception of the electrical items everything we own has belonged to someone else and is now ours because the original owners threw it out. H knows nothing about the state of our finances unless I tell him, if I tell him what's he going to do? Nothing, so why tell him? I am dealing with more demand letters and final demand letters than I care to admit and they are all for stuff we can't live without, like water! All my shopping is done on a buy one get one free basis, but it cheap and make it stretch....great exercise for anyone to get into but bloody well soul destroying when it is the only way you can feed your family and it's year after year.
My Isaac has problems, you know it because I tell you , I know it because for heavens sake I live it...do I need telling? No, do I need people to endlessly point out that he doesn't talk or look at people? NO! Why tell me? what do I say? " Oh my, imagine that, he wouldn't play with the kids? He wouldn't talk to your friend and show her how clever he is? Thankyou for telling me that, I shall look out for it and see if I see for myself that he is terrified and his head won't let his mouth work when he's not at home" ( how sweet is that description, from the silent boy himself!!) HE'S NOT STUPID, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM WHEN HE'S THERE AS IF HE IS A FREAK!! Thankyou.
Sophie is driving me crazy, nothing new there but taking the time to try and understand WHY she being lazy, rude, blah blah....I can see she is actually terrified of too many things, big mouth which runs off with itself without having any connection whatsoever to a brain that is in any kind of gear. She gets herself into more trouble with that bloody mouth than anyone I have ever come across, she has no idea when to shut it even when my face is right in hers TELLING her it's time to shut it. Is there a Miss Big gob of the year award out there? She'd win that one alright.
Elijah , awww bless my baby. You know little boys, they are just divine aren't they? Always getting into all kinds of scrapes and bother without meaning to. Mess and chaos and grinning and noise......Elijah is a bit different, he wakes up in the morning and I SWEAR the kids has wicked in his eyes, no accidental chaos for this boy, he plans it, I actuall think he dreams about it in the night and when he wakes up and catapults himself out of the cot he comes barging along the hallway with that sparkle in his eyes and a "Heyo mummy" and we brace ourselves for the day. If there is something to be flushed, unravelled, spread, tipped, emptied, climbed, opened, shut, slammed, broken, drawn on...Elijah is de man!!
but just how cute is he?

I think my point here is that I feel that there are days where I am buckling under the pressure of it all. I am tired. If I had someone here with me holding my knees to help take the strain and stop me buckling under it all I daresay I would be fine ( Actually, I am probably fine anyway but let me have my whine) I have someone here who cleans and tidies and tells me we should find a way to reduce the laundry ( find me a way mate and we'll be rich!) Does he have a clue about supporting me? Nope. Does he ever tell me that I'm a bit fabulous? Nope. Does he sulk and make me play guessing games about what could possibly be the problem? Yes and if my knees weren't so fragile and prone to collapsing under the weight of worrying I would bend one of them, line it up with his arse and straighten it as fast as I can and kick him so hard he could spend a good hour or two wondering what MY problem is.
I love love Blogs ( oooh, look at that I wrote love twice which means I really love them , didn't mean to write it twice so it must be a sign!) This is so good for me to be able to whitter on and whine and seeing it on paper somehow makes me laugh..living it doesn't make me laugh except in the somewhat hysterical "Oh God help me" kind of way! I wonder if it's worth borrowing some of the rent money and just going out tomorrow, taking my boys somewhere fun and loud and just pretending there's not a care in the world? It would be fun but would it pay for the inevitable added fear of what we can go without to replace the money? I shall decide that in the morning, if H has a face like a robber's dog again I'll cut my losses and just go for it, leave him here to sulk and clean the kitchen. ( hmmmmm strange, I have definately been religious with my anti depressants, yet H is still a miserable shit, darn it I wonder if they need increasing? )
The maddening thing is, I am completely unable to bear a grudge, absolutely physically unable to give as good as I get...if he wakes up cheery tomorrow I will forget he has been such a complete pig today and will be nice ..... should have kicked him while I had the chance damn it. ( actually that would be something to watch I imagine, one day I might just do it..let him sulk for a few hours and then when he has his back turned just give him a boot up the arse and walk out without a word. What heavenly release that would be!)
Too absurd this marriage thing, hard work too.....marriage and motherhood, if we wrote down the pros and cons before we did either we would all just have cats and be done with it and the human race would die out. Women are simple creatures and are too easily bought off with a smile or a cleaned kitchen, I'm beginning to think I ought to be upping my price a bit and expect diamonds and 3 car garages.

Do you know what I have noticed? 4 acts of terrorism in 4 bombs being set off in London....but in every single clip I have seen today, every injured person shown bleeding and afraid, right beside them was a stranger, patting a back, stroking an arm, holding a hand...so evil doers,take note, for every act of terrorism there will always be innumerable acts of kindess, compassion, serving, humanity, comforting, loving, trusting and faith. From the worst kind of evil always will spring the greatest kind of good, the worthiest of emotions, the grandest of compensations. How incredible that the stupid and arrogance of evil never seems to learn that never, ever do they achieve anything close to their goals by these acts, they push real human beings to strengths beyond imagination and expectation. We are a grand being. There are a few truly wicked and evil people but they will never crush the good. England will be an even more incredible place after today; stronger, closer, tighter knit. What was achieved today? Evil didn't win, it can't.
Not only is Britain great, it's truly bloody splendid!

Feels good...to feel good!

I am enjoying feeling good, am excited to see there are results and actually find I am looking forward to each day just to see if I am strong enough to resist the urge to stop caring. At the end of each day when I realise, still with a huge amount of suprise, that indeed I have done it again I could almost WHOOP with pride and can all but feel my self esteem creeping up.
I think I am actually walking a bit taller and even a bit faster and feel that I deserve every bit of feel good. Wouldn't it be great if this was for keeps? What if I am killing the demon that tells me I am worthless and grinding my foot in his face? That would be just about as good as it can get. For now, I will stick with waking each day and telling myself that just today I will be kind to me, that today I will do what makes me feel good. Each day I do that is easier than the day before, they say if you act as if you feel a certain way, before long you actually DO feel that way, I think they may be right.