Memories.

So many were made today. I took so many pictures....that will be posted tomorrow ( too tired to download, resize, photobucket and post)
It was huge, HUGE, I am so emotional because it was just so perfect.
Most memorable moments....

H coming downstairs in a costume saying " Oooh it is just TOO tight"
He had somehow ( and how impressive) squeezed into the age 7-8 costume Seth had refused to wear!!) I whistled as I tried to help him get out of it and showedhim his costume that was still in the bag!!

Elijah falling in love with Imogen who is a toddling tiny girl, kissing her and saying " don't pull his ears, duss tiss him"

Losing count of people saying " Isaac is amazing...look at him!! Because he was wearing a costume, playing with everybody, joining in the activities and just totally happy.

Watching my sister Julie 47, and Sall,. no idea how old but about the same as Julie....sitting on the couch discussing the fact that they are both peri-menopausal ( during the blissful between party time) Julie stopped talking to look at Billy in his mummy costume..forgot what she was saying ...Sally saying "you were saying something really interesting then..what was it? " and Julie replying " Was I? I thought you were talking" thus proving to us all that they are probably right.

When most everyone had gone home and we had but a few people sitting in the lounge, hearing a little girl of about 12 say " Oh..this has been lovely, I have so many memories today, real memories I am going to writ eall of this in my journal" If no-one else had had any fun at all..that alone would have made everything worthwhile.

Everyone being excited about the fact that they would be on my blog.

The fact that although he held back on the preparations , H is beyond a star at the rest....he cleaned in between parties and now, I am sitting here
in a spotless house, we are packed, cleaned vacuumed, and I have my feet up. He also took the boys upstairs at 8.30 and settled them down for the night. Heaven... I so know why I love this man.

Seeing Sophie looking beautiful and happy to be here.

Watching her friend come down in a short skirt,scoot back upstairs when she heard that people from church were coming and coming back down in trousers. Respect in a teenager is priceless.

Seeing people of all ages just enjoying each other, having fun in my house.

The fact that the teenagers needed nothing from us..being able to sit and talk and laugh with the grown ups while they teens were in the scary room eating everything in sight and just raising the roof with their noise and laughing.

The eating cream covered doughnuts from a string competetion. The pictures will show you!

Elijah running from wherever he was in the house when he heard the song " Dem bones" and standing right next to the laptop and grooving baby.

Knowing that when you look at the pictures, you will say "I sent that!!" and know that because of you this was THIS good, this successful. Thankyou.

Am so....

Not in party mood....things going wrong, which means it will be perfect because when things go swimmingly it worries me. Wish didn't have to clean damn toilets as well as everything else.
H is taking nap with Eli for me, bless him , he thinks of everything, never let it be said that he gets in my way in times of great stress, might need to hit him later, cheaper than fake blood, and would be good stress reliever, is good idea.
Now stink for real, not of cookies. However, will not need expensive hair products to make hair look wild, all is well. Have 2 hours til arrival of first batch of monsters and scary things........am not ready and yet I sit here as if have not a care in world.......must go.....

I tried.....

To get a web cam set up...I wanted you ALL here, can't do it though, am just too dim and computer stupid to work it out and also......well, we found glow in the dark silly string and some whacky noisey springy toys which seemed much more important to spend money on somehow.

I would very much like a nap. I am hot and probably smell, but of cookies and baking things so that's very good. Am busy, must go.

Say Hello......

To Pete's .... he's the pensive type,





Dudley....he's a bit of a devil....







And Godfrey, who isn't too much help he's just hanging around....

I am not afraid.

Much.
It is 2 sleeps and then halloween, the excitement is so high it is making my bowels a bot wobbly. At church today there were too many people a bit giddy about the party. SO MANY! You know when you have a great idea and then it grows and its thrilling and suddenly. IT IS ALMOST HERE.
Last week not many school friends had RSVPd, numbers were lovely but fine for our house. The phone is of the hookish, people are calling and saying WHOOHOOO OOO we'll be there, Sophie even invited a little boy and his mum at the store the other day, she was weepingly touched, they are on holiday and were buying his outfit, she said that he was so excited but where should she take him...OUR HOUSE, come on Harry.....you're welcome. And he is.
I am thrilled with the response but afraid. Kind of. Most of the kids ( and I am too scared to actually count) are aged between 3 and 6. THREE AND SIX. If I let my shaky brain do a rough sort of quick estimate without making it bash itself against my skull in an effort to escape, I can tell you that probably there will be 40 forty under 7s. HELP ME.

I have loads for them to do and eat.....the doing stuff is messy, they will love that. The eating stuff is full of colouring and sugar, their parents will hate that. They will be here for an hour and a half , that's not long is it? Decorate cookies and cup cakes, eat ring doughnuts and marshmallows from string..go home. I can do it. I think. We will be very squished but that's ok because if they are squished they can't run and jump......maybe H's costume will terrify the noise out of them and they will all just stare in silence.
I think a lot of parents are staying, that's good.
We then have teenagers coming at 6.30, not so sure what to do with them, they will be carving pumpkins and they might actually think the doughnut thing is funny especially if we squirt the doughnuts with cream. HA HA. They will be in the black light room with Max's scarey music and noises.
I lost my camera on wednesday, one of those things that is so monumentally horrible that I daren't think about it until last night when at 1 am it seemed just the right time to walk up the road in my pyjamas to see if it had fallen out of my bag into the car. No. It hadn't.
I found it today though, a child had posted it behind my lamp table, wedged it right down the back.. but the thoroughly cleaning me is coming back to so when I pulled it all out to find what else had been posted ( cranberries, baby wipes and empty cereal bar wrappers, thankyou very much) there was my camera, so happy to see me, I think it smiled and told me it missed me , ( or that could be my brain farting telling me things that aren't true) and I gave it a polish and told it I was just as happy to see it and that it was in for a photographic treat on tuesday. Sigh of relief all 'round.
Since I stopped my medication, my poor brian ( I love it when I type Brian instead of brain, snorty kind of snigger every time I do it) is sort of farting, it's trying so hard to kick back into reality, it is thinking things and remembering feelings but getting it all so muddled. I lose my keys and then find them but lose 17 other things that I put down while trying to find the keys, I have no idea what anyone is called anymore, even my kids.
Quite touching that the thrill of actually caring that I lost something is so great that I spend almost all my days laughing at how stupid I am. Marvellous, am mad, but all on my own, no medication needed to make ME lose the plot, clever me, who'd have thought it possible?

Actually, I am able to see, again, just like I used to, that people like me. Isn't that great?
I can talk to people and let them touch me and hug me and not cringe and wish they would talk to that lady over there or even the dog over the road but not horrid me. I like myself and can truly see that other people do too. Better than a new car that is. My soul sings when someone wants to hug me, it really does. I don't even care if they feel my squishy belly because it's a nice belly and comfy.
I can go out ( even in the evening, heck) and can sit in a group and laugh, I even monopolised the room last week, took centre stage, LOOK AT ME!! LISTEN TO ME!! I AM HERE!!
I missed that, more than I can ever express, show off me, funny me, center stage Helen. Welcome back.
Its only 2 weeks til I go to London and see Marilyn and I can actually see that by the time I get there I will be ready to have some serious fun. I won't be afraid ..it will even be hysterical if ( when ) we get lost on the tube and end up in Clapham instead of Covent garden.
I sort of feel, that despite all the odds, the real me is still in there somewhere. The sadness squashed it for so long, then the medication squashed the sadness, everything squashed and pinned down, forgotten or subdued. How incredible that it didn't get destroyed though, it is right there, in all its splendid glory. The real me. Hooray.

So...bring it on. The lot of it, 40 kids under 7, a whole house full of other peoples' teenagers, the parents, the mess and the noise. Most of all bring on the fun, as much as it is possible to fit into this terraced old house and may the walls hold onto it because I am not afraid, not even a little bit.
Oh and guess what...WE HAVE A SMOKE MACHINE!! Oh yes we do.

I think, therefore, I am.

You've only yourselves to blame, you're all out, having lives and being busy and not blogging, nothing for me to read,to early to be cleaning and ironing.....hmmmmm. Kids in bed, H is busy, what to do, what to DO? Think, that's what.
When I think, I get confused until I sit and write and things become clearer to me.
Here I am then...are you ready for the thoughts of my head on a saturday evening?
I have been thinking lately about how what we think affects the way we behave. The saying ' I think, therefore, I am' has always puzzled me. HOw can what you think make you what you are?
I am beginning to see how it is true.
During a particularly low patch when my mind was so clouded I couldn't see anything clearly, when the things that came out of my mouth were mean and ill thought through, I told H that because I felt so unloved and so ignored I had, the night before, looked up an old love online, not contacted him, just googled his name. That'll make him pull his socks up I thought, it'll be roses and romance from here on in, surely. Not so. He very calmly told me that as far as he was concerned I had committed adultary and he minded that, very much. ( honestly he is so calm about stuff, sometimes I almost long for him to you know, yell or something)
I was gobsmacked for a moment, hmmm, what can he mean, how can googling a name mean I had cheated? I'll tell you how.
If you are miserable enough to google a name, you are on the path to following through.
Would I have googled that name if H had been by my side? If we had been looking online together for something, would I have said " oh while we're here. let me look up Mr once upon a time?" Of course not. Already cheating.
What if, one night, after a miserable day or maybe a fight , ( one sided of course because H doesn't do fighting, much) I clicked on that little button that would tell me where Mr once upon a time is now? Step closer.
Maybe he would email me back....step closer.......no harm? you bet there IS harm. Every email that could pass between us takes away from something I could be giving H.
Then we get to the stage where, and you know it's true, where actually emailing him, Mr wonderful, who never sighs when I spend too much at Asda, who never wants me to put laundry away because it's been in the kitchen a fortnight, who will never fall asleep when I can think of more fun things to do...well that is much more exciting, there is payback there, he thinks I am the bees knees, he loves me, he loves me.
So, I rush through the dull stuff here, I hurry them, these people. I get irritable because these people, this man, is keeping me from the real one, that one who means so much, I long for them to be somewhere else so I can spend time that my family deserve, to find things that will make him happy. To write to him, the other one. My mind isn't here because I don't want to be here. My heart definately isn't here because somehow without even leaving the house I have sent it away, allowed it to go elsewhere.

I think, therefore I am.

Every day we make choices that can make or break who we are. Just the way we think can alter the whole course of who we are.
I don't believe it is as simple as saying ' think happy, be happy' because there are times ( and don't I know it?) that we have no control over how we feel. Most of us have the capacity to choose what we do about things though.
I can say that something I have learned is that when we are sad, one of the very best ways to deal with that and lift ourselves is to serve others. If we look too hard into whether we are happy, if we have what we want....chances are we will see that we aren't, that we wish we had something more. If we are anxiously engaged ( I love that phrase) in serving others, in trying to enrich the lives of other people, there will be payback every time. Cast your bread upon the waters ( and it will comeback buttered) works every time.

Look at my Julie bo you can read that post and see how excited she is....she WILL be happy, this will be a great week for her. It never fails.
I want me some of that happy.
I did a thing or two myself this week that has given me goosepimples when I think of the faces of those who will be on the receiving end. HAPPY.

I think, therefore I am.

I have been reading from the sidelines, some serious blog drama . The basic tale is one mean blogger has made several good and funny bloggers incredibly sad, frightened and has pulled the comfy rug of blog life from under them. I found the mean blog and read it and well, it's mean, Just mean, oozes misery and spite and mean . MEAN. Did it make me fearful? No. I read and I felt sad for the mean one. She has a few comments from some pretty sick individuals who were encouraging her to go even further, be even meaner. Ack.
The people she hurt? hundreds of loving messages and a couple of stupid mean ones. Support from good people in their droves. Smooshy cyber hugs and love for their cute babies. They will bounce back and thrill us with their fun and happiness again.
The mean one..nothing good for her.....she will become meaner and less liked and even meaner and even less liked, whoppee for her. I bet she has a furrowed brow and a pinched face.

She thinks, therefore ...you know, she is.

You know I keep flippantly saying how I am trying to be like Jesus? I'm really not being flippant. There is a childrens' song called ' I'm trying to be like Jesus' and I love the words, even though I actually forget them sometimes.

I’m trying to be like Jesus;I’m following in his ways.
I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice, but I try to listen as the still small voice whispers,

Love one another as Jesus loves you,
try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought,
for these are the things Jesus taught.


Janice Kapp Perry, b. 1938.

See? We all have to start somewhere and that seems like a gret place to start, I think, therefore.....well the possibilities are endless.

Hip hip hooray!

Elijah's with gramma today.
We love him and adore him
but we can't help shouting HOORAY!
He is divine but he has been a stinker all week, if we've put it up, he's pulled it down, if we've made it, he's wrecked it, if we've tidied it, he's Elijah's it.
Thankyou Gramma.

Things that make me happy.

Sometimes, it is truly the little things that make life more enjoyable.....want to see my list? You'll see just how easily pleased I am, when you read my list you will sigh and tell yourself how lucky you are to be aquainted with someone so simple as myself.

It makes me very happy that H always puts his socks in the wash basket, not only does he do this but they are NEVER inside out, never bunched up and never black on the bottom, in fact sometimes I almost want to smell them to see if they have even been on his beautiful feet that never smell, that makes me happy too, his toe nails, however, don't make me happy because I am afraid of toenails.

It makes me happy when I walk through our town and am greeted with such joy and cheeriness by people I know and also people who appear to know me, I pretend I know these people so I don't hurt their feelings but truly? I wouldn't know who they are if they stood up in my soup. What could be better than walking from a delicious bakery with bread just baked and hearing your name called in a happy way? ( as opposed to yelled, like MUM!!!! or HELEN!! sounding like someone wants something other than to just look at me and smile and ask how I am faring.)

It makes me happy to smell beef stew at noon because I have been so organised and been to the butcher ( which makes me happy because to buy fresh meat from a butcher rather than pre packed in a supermarket? No comparison, friendly man in boater and offering to cut, chop, filet, mince whatever you buy then saying " there you go my lover, that'll make a lovely drop of stew that will"


or stand in front of meat counter and wonder just how long that meat has been there..... butcher every time.) and the grocers and apready have that stew simmering, pearl barley and all. Happy me.

It makes me happy to snuggle in bed with my Eli for a nap ( the fact that at 3 years 3 months he still has a 3 hour nap evey day? Happy is not the word, ecstasy that's called) because he sucks his thumb and twiddles my ear and if I open my eyes to glance at him, he grins......can't get more loved than that.

It makes me happy to look at my house from the outside, the curtains hang just right, the fact that it is such a nice house, the fact that WE LIVE HERE!

It makes me happy to look at my one and only girl child and actually know I love her, I like her, I want to squish her face. It has been a very very long time since any of that came naturally because she has been so good at being so horrid for so many years, too many years. To be her friend and see she actually loves ME and likes ME too.... priceless.

It makes me happy to have a 6 year old that takes an encyclopedia to bed with him, it makes me hoot when he calls Elijah various names from that encyclopedia and when asked what he just said he will reply " Its a microbe, Eli is such a microbe" to see that encyclopedia taped together because he has read the life out of it....unbelievable.

It makes me happy that H is such a gentleman. He is glorious.

It makes me happy to be able to look at my beyond-redemption-apart-from-plastic-surgery-belly and actually rather love it, clever old flabby thing has housed six of the best.

The crafty scrapbooking store around the corner makes me happy, I want to be a scrapper, one day I shall be, I shall have a room full of smashing stuff that will be untouched by little boy hands, even if I leave the door open, and I shall be the found making beautiful things to mail to people to make them happy....spread that happy around I say! for now I wander round that little shop and buy the odd bargain or three, ready to store in my room.

It makes me happy when after many, many, MANY weeks of having a blocked toilet, H dons a rubber glove and discovers that a little yellow car has been just around the bend, stopping anything going down, we have an unblocked toilet. HAPPY!!!!

Cake. Makes me happy.

Sometimes though, it takes more than the simple things to make me happy, yesterday I think the only thing that would have made me happy would have been one of these......



In midnight blue or red. There was no pleasing me yesterday.
Good grief, does that mean I am human after all? Well damn. Imagine that.

Oh and this, didn't make me happy as such but it did make me laugh, in a nervous kind of way.

I wonder what the chinese is for......

!*$&$&"#&"&#%@&@**"!£$&&~#^^! !!!!!!!!!


Because, today it wasn't fun, not even a bit...except when I heard one lady come in, she was a hooray Harriet type, all booming voice and purposeful strides.....I heard her bellow " I SHALL LAAARRF.... LOUDLY!"

I. BET. YOU. DON'T.

Apart from that ,I was sort of not in the mood, from start to finish I was swearing in the most unladlylike way, in my head , naturally, and for 2 pins ( or needles) could have just pulled the damn things out myself and gone home.
The big old one he stuck in my BELLY didn't help my enthusiasm levels at all. It didn't.
I think it was my fault that it didn't feel therapeutic today, my appointment was at 9.30am-- too early for me.
Anyhoo, it's done, it hurt, it will help and now I only have to go once a week, for which I am truly grateful.

I'm not sure it was very clean there today either, somehow it all felt grubby and achky.
I almost wanted to get up and scrub things but if I can resist those urges at home you can bet your sweet backside I managed it there.
Now I am home I do feel good, I know it works but why is it that the things that do us good are so not fun?
Why can't chocolate be the cure all?
Why can't lovely smoochy back stroking from H cure my legs?
Why can't someone tell me that actually a bag of crisps and an hour of Royle family is exactly what I need to sleep well?
Dash it all and spit .

parenting moments like these....

Make it all worthwhile.
I'm talking the teenagers, where pay back is so hard to come by.
A conversation with Sophie earlier
"mum, have you got any hair gel?"
"Soph, whatever I have is in your room, if it's not there, I don't have it"
"oh...I'll look in Jordan's room"
Conversation over, various trottings into front room to show me hair and ask how it looks ( as she is going out, in the dark and the weather)
several tries later she is happy.
"BYE!!"
"Bye darlin'"

Me...I am going out, have shower, go into Sophies rom to switch on MY hair straighteners......see she did find some gel, oh good......uh oh, look closer. it is a tube, remarkably similar to hair gel except it is SHAVING GEL. She has used shaving gel which is hysterical in itself , the fact that it is really REALLY raining and she refuses to wear a jacket and every umbrella I own has been lost every other time she used them.

It is mean, probably to find humour in this, I just keep imagining her walking into her friends house with a head full of foam. Ack...actually I sort of feel sorry for her too ... I called her, she is whistling with laughter, she is my child, all is well.

Six sleeps.

Only 6 sleeps til Halloween, Dan is so excited he almost had to be pinned down, except who woul dpin down a big boy who wants to do things to help and who has so much enthusiasm it made me weary? I just let him at it.
Here's what we have so far ( you are so not getting pictures until the party though because it will spoil it and it is good for people to read and visualise and use their imaginations and I can't be bothered to take any yet)
We have a PUMPKIN ROOM. The front room is all pumpkins, everything...pumpkins hanging and stuck and smelling ( white pumkin candles, yum smelling) we have lit up pumkins on the windows, we have jack o lanterns we carved on monday, we have ceramic lanterns and lantern door thingys that you walk through ( that'd be a door curtain, came to me after I typed thingys), we still have a lot of pumpkin things to put up but we also have Elijah who so loves to rip things down, and we have me, who is a spoilsport and said "lets not, lets wait for those" the door curtain is in that category.
We have a GHOST AND BAT HALLWAY, a ghost tree, ghost lights, bat hangings, black cats and BAT MATERIAL draped around the archwaythat looks so darn posh it makes me need a wee every time I go out there ( they are also pinned up high until next week..the Eli thing you know) we have foil bat hanging things to put up next week ( Eli) we have bat garlands to thread through the stair banisters and more bats to hang from them too ( ELI!!)
we have..wait for this.....A BLACK LIGHT ROOM!! YES..black light and a room full of glow in the dark stuff, chains and skeletons and spoooooooky stuff, more material , black see through stuff with bones and stuff on, draped over the top of the bed, enough black material with the coolest bright blue foil like skulls on to cover the bed, glow in the dark spiders, ghosts, teeth ..loads of glow in the dark teeth to fix to curtains and hang and stuff.
WE have bloody clings ons that sick to doors and woodwork and mirrors, so we have blood splatters everywhere you look...
Dan and I had to keep smacking each other when we were out because his rent is due and so is mine and we were standing in front of a SMOKE MACHINE that we both needed, really NEEDED and were trying to justify but couldn't..yet....we can go back and get that on monday when the rent is paid and we have still managed to eat and have light and stuff. Huh, selfish Sophie, she had money and just bought clothes, ugh no idea some teenage girls, who wants a top that makes you look beautiful when you can have a smoke machine??? Brat.
We have surgical gloves that we are going to fill with water, we are freezing some to make hand ice cubes for punch and we are hanging some in the kitchen doorway so you get wiped in the head with clammy hands when you walk through that low doorway. ( we did have twice as many but Seth and Isaac had water fights with them yesterday, fun.)
We have see through plastic cups that will have green and orange jelly with teeny jelly babies in and frogs. We have green bread rolls that will have cheese in the middle and in the top we can make a slice and shove a slice of ham in to look like a tongue.
We will have hot dogs, chopped in half, wrap a slither of tortilla round one end and a glob of ketchup on the other and it looks like a chopped off finger.
We'll have all the cupcakes and cookies and cool sweets and marshmallows........I am so excited!! Can you tell??
The rest will have to wait until next week because I think we haven't thought about it yet......
OH!! OH!! My costume, I am going to be so fabulously fabulous. I am HELLSBELLS ITS HELLOWEEN. I have black clothes, with bright orange netting to make myself a fantabulous pumpkin over skirt, an orange and black hairpiece, pumpkin scrunchies, I have a choice of either Lo's rotten teeth or get this, you know those things you get that glow when you bend and crack them? I found teeth...I could have glowing teeth!!
I also have cow bells to hang around my neck . HELLS BELLS!!

The best alarm ever!!

Unfortunately, there is no snooze button.

Good morning Daniel...we're happy you are here!!

Look how happy they are!!

And because we don't encourage favouritism in THIS house.....

WAKE UP JORDAN!!!!!

Oh..and there isn't a soul in this house, child or adult that would ever , even for a second, consider waking sophie up in this fashion, oh no.....don't even think it!!!

Unless we bribe them for blogging video purposes of course! ( this was at noon by the way!)

I must have thought I was chinese.

I had a treatment today and I got through it because I did something so absurd, so unbelievable, that I spent the whole hour thinking of how I was going to tell you about it. Actually that's a lie because the massage part, that part was spent giving birth, sort of...I'll get to to that later.
I went in, had my consult and told them that damnation if I hadn't had the worst twitchy leg night last night. I didn't tell them that because of saturday I thought I may need the anti depressants and took one yesterday, stupid me. I had my final councelling session with Jan today, I am so glad I went because she helped me see that the sadness about Jordan and the army isn't my depression returning it is a mother's natural feelings and fears for her son. I will have sad days, just like normal people, I will have bad tempered days just like normal people and I will have strong, happy days that out number those low days..like normal people.
Jan told me it had been a pleasure and 'interesting' to councel me. I am nothing if not interesting, hoorah.
So....off I went to my chinese healing man with torturous hands. He explained that I really need the pain, the hard pressure the intence stuff, when he mamby pampied around last time he didn't get to move what he needed to move ( still managed to bruise me pretty well though, clever him) So, I undressed and lay on my table with my towel for modesty, he came in and uncovered my legs, I pointed to my huge bruise and said
" Ahhhh, see? Loo! !" I did, I actually SAID THOSE WORDS, not 'look', but 'LOO' in a chinese accent!! Honestly, I heard myself but had absolutely no control over it, then I sort of snorted because I knew that I just had to pretend I didn't just say that, with that accent. I can't even blame medication, it was just me...taken away by the moment I think, mixed with some fear because he has just said I need the pain and should try werry hard to just take it and enjoy how good it feels afterwards. ( glad H isn't reading this , he may get ideas and there are some steps I just won't take)
Needles, interesting, got some on the inside of my wrists today, that was awkward....how do you lie for 45 minutes with needles on the inside of your wrists? I ended up hanging my arms over the side of the bed without hardly thinking about them because today, TODAY people we had WIRES!! Yes, and because I got wires, plugged into electricity and attached to the needles, I risked them hearing "HELLO MOTO" and reached for my phone and turned it on and took this...



and I knocked a wrist needle out and had to ring the bell and get it put back in. I so wanted to take a video of how my legs were jerking. They so were, for 45 minutes. When I saw what the plan was I ( in my most polite and English way ) said " So, how long do you need to train to learn how to do this?" when actually I wanted to yell "NAUGHTY f WORD WITH A CAPITOL F! Wires? Electricity?? NEEDLES???? The hell with that matey..I'm off! "
Sometimes it is not the best thing to be chock a block with English reserve.
10 years, that's good, I reckoned that after 10 years he probably knew what he was doing. Actually, having this treatment today made me think about having my babies. 5 of them naturally, no pain relief ( one with epidual, lovely, clever epidural man) I told myself that if I could do that, and that REALLY hurts dear hell, I surely should be able to do this thing, wires and all.
Now here is where you get some great doula, natural woman empowering, you can do it advice, I should probably charge because it works, beautifully, try it if you are having a baby and are either a) feeling that you want to do it without pain relief ( mad?!? ) or b) like me...find that oh for the love of drugs it's coming out RIGHT NOW AND THERE IS NO TIME.. OH SHIT THAT HURTS. ( ow)

So, you feel the pain and you do this.

You shut out everything, EVERYTHING, chinese doctors, and especially in the case of childbirth, husbands who think they are doing some good by counting. Or telling you when another contraction is coming. Idiots.
Bless H for knowing to just shut his mouth and let me hurt him with clenched fists with twisted shirt and his skin inside.
You shut out every sound and you breathe. You listen to the air go in your nose and out of your mouth and you breathe in until you cannot possibly breathe in any more, until your head goes woozy. then you breathe out, slowly and all the while, instead of trying to get the hell away from that pain..go towards it, yes towards it. Make yourself feel it and know that actually it can't kill you ( oh that it would in that last phase as the big old head is about to shoot forth) I did that today when he hurt my legs so badly , I knew that no matter how much it felt like it, he wasn't going to break my shin, my legs weren't going to snap.
With the wire thing, well, I was afraid and fear makes you tense..that wasn't going to help so I made myself relax.
I am bloody marvellous aren't I? I can relax, with needles in my legs that have wires connected to them and electrical currents passing through, TWITCH, relax..aahhhhh JERK, relax..oooohhh. I think you'd have enjoyed a picture, me on a table, wired up, needles, arms hanging down the sides so needles don't get banged out ( again) eyes closed and do you know, I think I rather liked it ( evidence that really, I should get out more.)
I will never say I like the massage though. I heard an old lady taken into the cubicle next door, it was obviously her first time because she ( bless her nylon stockings) had that same incredulous high pitch to her voice when she realised that yes, it ALL had to come off and teeny weeny chinese interpreter wasn't moving til it had, when you're an old lady that must be even harder to accept because , heavens, there is so MUCH to take off, petticoats and nylons and substantial undergarments. Don't forget those sturdy shoes that take 30 minutes to lace up.......I was particularly brave today because I didn't want her to be too afraid if I screamed, or something.
Enough that she heard that bed creaking and moaning under my weight and his administrations. I hope he was more gentle with that old lady and her swollen ankles.
So, another session under my belt, a few more hard earned bruises. A step closer to being well and strong. I only have one more session left that is paid for , I wish I could keep up the intensive treatment but it is going to have to be a once a week torture from here on in. Shame, what will I write about then?

Actually, I could always show you pictures..like this one



or this one.....



Because...look how gorgeous the big boy is, my Dan, who is HERE and will be hugged and kissed until he can't stand it. So there.

Look at this room, this is the HALLOWEEN room! Can you believe it?

Home sweet home.........

From this..........










To this........










Because of this.......

Ahhhhhhh. home sweet home!!!

Right you, Army.

Listen up. See this?




That big weight lifting boy is mine, but you have him today. He wants to be with you and have you yell at him and make him hurt in a muscle burnng kind of way. He is happy to think of himself as one of yours. I like him being happy but I hate the idea of him being one of yours.



He's huge see? 6' 4" or even 5", he's still growing and has to duck when he walks through the doorways in our house.



He is tough and people hit him a lot when he is out because they want to be the one to be seen punching that great big hard boy there...that one, mine.
Even though he is huge, he is still my boy.

He has been my gentlest boy, my most loving and snuggly boy. He lost 4 years of his childhood to a monster who thought he had the right to take innocence, for a sick and twisted kick .
Tough luck monster, I won. Me and God. You didn't ruin him. Go to hell.




See that? I made this man. Me. What he is, I did that..... and listen to me army...you'd better take care of him because when you mess with a mother...you're messing with something bigger and more fierce than you will ever have had training for. You won't find a weapon stronger. You'll never face an enemy more dogged than a mother who is watching out for her child.

This mother is a particularly fierce one when it comes to this boy. I caught him and I saved him and I made him able to face this world again.
My heart has been ripped out and stomped on because of this boy, this man who is now so strong and happy, who is unafraid of anything or anyone. I held him when he was a shattered little boy, damaged and afraid of even Santa, the little boy who had screaming night terrors for 2 years, who would see the monster come back for him in his sleep every night. EVERY night. I chased that monster away and I held that little boy until he got his courage back, until he refound joy and woke up every morning with naughty in his heart and fun in his soul.
You don't want to face me if you don't look after this boy army. You don't.

This thing, this sending him to you, this smiling and cheering and telling him how exciting this is for him. It's too much for me.
It feels too much but it won't be.
I will do it because I am a mother and I love this boy until I ache.
Feeling like this, today, has made me see that maybe I still need some help, my mind is still so fragile that it can't do this on it's own, chinese man or not, some more help is needed.
That doesn't make me weak, it makes me a mother. One who has had to face too much where her sons are concerned and finds it too hard to face anymore for them unaided.
I will pat his back and hug that lanky body and jump with him when he gets those damned brown envelopes telling him he is a step closer to being with you more than me.
I am a mother.
That means thinking of these people you grew and love and give your heart to before you think of your own heart, you hold their hearts and their souls and you wrap your own heart in steel so it will stay in one piece when it wants to shatter.
You let them go when you want to tie them down, you let them be where they choose to be and you smile when really, the tears are burning the back of your eyes and your soul is moaning because you need them here. Right here.

This boy of mine, the second son..... I know he will leave and he will be yours too army.
The thing is, the difference is, you won't love him and your every reason for being is to train him and teach him to be UNsafe. You will send him to the very places I would hold him back from. You will want him to be hard and unfeeling when I have taught him to be gentle and compassionate.
He will listen to you and obey you and want to please you and make you proud. Please don't abuse that. He is mine. Look after him. I already am proud, he and I have fought a battle most difficult and we won. He can't make me more proud.
He will come home to me later today and will tell me how he loved the day, how he wants to have passed and will die if he doesn't get to live with you.

I will tell him that he will pass that you will want him.

And I will worry that if he does pass and if you do want him, he will die.

Can a chihuahua fly?

I am going to out myself in this post, not a sexual outing ( although that might be fun, where would 0ne go on one of those do you think?) but an open admission and confession to being the most appalling snob.
The car, yes I know, you're bored of hearing about it, it is painful to the mind and eyes to endlessly be whined at about it but things are so much worse. Did you imagine they could get worse? No, neither did I but I think I must be in need of humbling, or something because it has reached the stage whereby I am either going to have to get humility and lose my desperate need to show off and look down on people with cars like I own right now (which I would never do because I have a heart, I understand, I might never actually agree to be seen with them AND their car but I wouldn't look down on them, ever.) or I am going to have to start walking because look.






* insert Swearword of choice here* because, you know, I am trying to be like Jesus ( but not exactly like Him as He walked everywhere and I REALLY like driving) so I can't actually tell you what swear word I wanted to use when I came out of Asda and saw THAT!
No note from whoever did it saying whoops ,sorrry, did this to your car. No-one would leave a note because n all honesty, they probably thought I would never notice.
My car is such a crap heap and NONE of it ( well alright, just that one I told you about a week or three ago) is my fault!
Isaac did this one....




I told you, remember

Because he did that..H did this





Because he is nothing if not resourceful and be damned if we would spend more than the car is worth to replace a bumper that can be held on with plastic ties, hey?

The man who was meant to be fixing it did this one





This IS a bit my fault because when it really sank in that H was never going to get to grips with roundabouts , tiny roads and driving on the left, I ripped off the 'L' plate and it took off the surface of the car.





God did this bit because it rains so much here......




lovely bubbly rust, hoorah.

And as if shame weren't crippling enough....look, a treat, and this is where I ask the question can chihauhuas fly. No way in hell did a bird do THAT





or this






I have scrubbed my hands raw, even though I haven't touched it, I know that no drive trough car wash will get that off...I will have to scrub it because no one loves me enough to clean this car for me. A drive through car wash is a poor idea anyway because you just know something important will drop off in one of those don't you?

I won't bore you with the smell of buring and the clacking sounds because they aren't funny and I do try to please and induce either laughter or tears in my blog.

I'd ask you to give the old heap a kick for me but it would fall apart, so give it a cheer and congratulations for still actually moving with all these sorry bumps and grazes, pray that it will just keep going and somehow make me into a rather loved figure of humiliation as it takes me on my way.

Ack I am really REALLY embarrassed going out in it though, prideful me.

And she thought.....

I am crispy. Yes I am.

I went for my treatment today. I got H to come with me, I wanted him to see what happens to me in the hands of such an innocent looking little man. He was enthralled but had to leave before the real fun began, he had such a close look at my tremoring needles..weird how I am as still as still can be and some needles shiver and some are still...pulsating energy we like to think! He watched the points where the needles go in turn red and swollen.....we know how to have fun my husband and I!
He was very pleased with himself and wanted me to be sure and tell everyone how he isn't afraid to come and watch that gory stuff.
Anywa, on arrival, I thought it time to raise a few questions during my before treatment consult with Dr speaks no English and Miss teeny weeny chinese translator. ( TWCT)
I explained just how miraculously improved life is already, he asked good questions and beamed with my replies (I didn't sweat once shopping yesterday) and then I asked
" Why is is so painful and why did I bruise so badly? "
Little conflab between the 2 in chinese, all sounds so official and important.
" Ah" says TWCT " Dr say, your case werry severe, he say all muscle so stiff, you werry crispy ( CRISPY???) even your blood wessle crispy, when Dr massage wessle break, it hurt, he need lot pressure to release muscle. Acupuncture make blood flow faster, clearer, more blood near surface, crispy wessel break. Dr know what he do, he make you well, it work .No?
He happy you get well so quick. It great."

So my crispy self is softening up and all will be well.

Todays treatment.
Long session wth needles, shorter massage which actually brought forth an "ooooooooooh dear life" or two.
The back was painful but I swear I could almost feel it working, he did something bizarre that felt like bouncing, he had fingers all in one spot and bounced his whole weight on it. Ouch.
He then did my legs and he did something that felt exactly as if he hooked his fingers behind those sort of cords/ tendons behind my knee, in the crook at the back...then, I tell no lie , he tried to play bluegrass with them, he twanged those buggers til I all but sang along. When it was over he said " today I gentle, next time, I use more pressure" Lawks.

It was disconcerting to feel the need to pass flatus ( I always knew my nursing degree would come in handy one day, pass flatus, how clever is that? I wrote fart before, not so impressive though, or lady like and I strive for ladylikeness at all times, being English and all) right as he was doing his mean old thing on the small of my back, I briefly thought about how difficult this was going to be, try gritting your bum cheeks to hold in wind when someone is beating the rythm out right about them...then it passed ( the need that is, not the gas) until...oh no...until he was squeezing my calf muscles, one handed, while the other hand was ON MY BUTTOCK! And his head, his head was right above my arse, I couldn't see, I just knew. I think the pain must have frightened the fart away, all was well, my dignity and his life were spared. This time.
HA ...had I let rip he might well have become crispy too. Seems only fair .

Oh, to be in England.

I love living here, I really do. I cannot think of anywhere else I would rather be.
I woke up this morning and was a bit glum. Not sad, just glum. Now, do I take the dreaded anti depressants again? No. Have a nice day. What a great idea. I told H that I needed to have a nice day and by golly, I did.
I set off for Exeter, which is far enough away to feel like a trip and close enough to not be a hassle. Exeter has it all, shops and history and noise and , well just everything I needed.
I wondered briefly if I ought really have to called around and found myself some company, but really, I love my own company, I love not having to talk, it is heaven to know that I can wander or rush. I stood at the cash point waiting to get some cash out and behind me wee 2 women.
" where shall we go next?" said lady number 1.
" Oh I don't mind, " said wishy washy number 2.
" How about ....."
" Oh I'm easy, I'm not a decision maker"
There you have the best reason for going alone! Not that I know any wishy washy twits that don't know where they want to eat..as if! But I love just going where I want to go . I did that. All day. Marvellous.
I went in shops that sold glass and pretty things, I went to the pound shop and bought more halloweeny stuff.
cool stuff, for a £.
I had tomato and basil soup with crusty bread and read the paper, all on my own.
I walked my feet off, limped home in time to collect the boys and hand out invitations, hand out pizza, shower and go out again.
I had a meeting about a presentation the children are doing in church in december. I spent the evening with 3 of the loveliest ladies, we laughed and cried and ate chocolate.....lovely day. Another day without anti depressants, anti convulsants, sweating, twitching, misery and fear. One more down...many more to go.
I faced glumness and fought the bugger head on, take that depression.
My bruises have faded sufficiently for me to be able to face tomorrow's onslaught from my little chinese healing sadist. My back is still tender but maybe he will batter the bejeebers out of another part of my body tomorrow, we'll see, I just know that whatever he does I will suffer it gladly because this, well this feel better than anything I have felt for years. Years.
I went to the bakery a ew doors away and asked if they will bake me a stack of GREEN BREAD!! Ha ha....I am going to make green sandwiches with orange cheese, they might make me some black rolls too, this whole party has gone so way over the top it is at risk of being an embarrassent but I have had such a blast, the excitement is running high, I can hardly wait to begin decorating......and really can't wait to show you pictures.
I wish you could come!!
Tomorrow is a new day, hooray.
Am I getting on your nerves yet? Don't cheerful people irritate the crap out of you sometimes??
Suck it up...I think I might be here for a while.

I REALLY love.......

am going to bed....am deliciously sleepy, think will sleep well all nigh......

Chicken badass......

I postponed my appointment today, I just couldn't do the 2 miseries at the same time!
I have to say that last night NO TWITCHING, none. I slept from midnight until 8am. It is a miracle.
I am going for my next torture, I mean, appointment with healing, on thursday. I am excited in that it is so obviously working and is giving me so much blogger fodder in a time when my head is a bit empty and boring.

I am very close to being one of 'those' mothers. I am longing to find Sophie just the right young man to be swooning over, I almost stopped a young gorgeousness in the street today to ask if he had a girlfriend and stopped myself just in time by imagining the poor thing's face as he imagined I was asking for myself.

I might just be looking for interesting things to do...when I could be doing that ironing....household chores are so thankless though aren't they? As fast as they get done they become undone and here I am faced with the same monotony again. PTTTTTHHHHHHH.

I feel life is somehow running away leaving me just older and more weary...the rain doesn't help to life my spirits much, not that they are low.....in fact it is with huge pride and excitement that I report that not even an anti depressant has passed my lips for several days. This is a massive deal, the anti depressants I have been on are notoriously hard to ever stop, it is said that the side effects when you stop taking this stuff are so awful that it can only be done under strict supervision. I just forgot to take them. I've done that before but become so horrible and paranoid that I take them again and return to normality in a drugged and sweaty kind of way.
This time....nothing, even with the beastly aunt flo, nothing ( although I will admit that a craft project with glue and Elijah was pushing things a tad far this evening, how many hands has that kid got? How did he reach the bottle of glue when I swear that I had him so involved in something else and that bottle way out of reach, right next to me?)
Dare I imagine that all that pricking and pummelling is really really working? I know that when I had that first consultation the things we discussed most were the restless legs and depression/ stress. I am incredibly optimistic ( that alone is miraculous isn't it? Have you ever known a chronically depressed person, without medication feel optimistic?? )
I shall be skipping and tra- la- la-ing through my days before we know it, hell. Imagine.

Sara!!!!!!!!!

How EXCITING!!!! When I saw you yesterday and you said how tired you were......of course my first thought was to ask if you were pregnant but after our chat the other week about how you definately WEREN'T having any more for a while I shut my mouth! You make such divine babies! I am very jealous but shall just make sure that I definately get to love this baby when s/he is still a teeny weeny!

Remember......

Badass..that's me!!

Look, Elise reads my blog ( and she likes it, hoorah!) she emailed me last night......

My husband is a chiropractor, and when I was telling him about your accupuncture experience, he told me that you were a badass. I asked him why, and he said that the particular massage technique they were using on you is called something like "rolfing" (I really could have butchered that spelling, don't hold me to it). Anyhow, this rolfing technique is pretty intense, to say the least. So there you have it! You are a badass; it has been chiropractically confirmed.

( I liked the bit in the link that says 'some people have screamed while being rolfed' well, yes....I can imagine they do, might do it myself tomorrow even!!)

It must be sad that this badass girl is more than a bit scared of tomorrows appt, AF is here too, wheyhey, cramps and torture. Ain't life grand?

Although, I should say, I did have hugely twitchy legs last night just for about 20 minutes and managed to fall asleep anyway, running in my sleep, perhaps I will get thin without even knowing how it happened. I am telling myself this is working because otherwise...WHY?????

You know that pig we were kicking.

I think I ate it.

Awwwww....all together now.

SYMPATHY please.
Or chocolate.
This is my poor back today.

" if it hurt, it mean it work"

I discovered today why these people wanted me to pay up front for the 5 sessions...because if you hadn't handed over the hard cash already you could SO easily tell yourself to never go back. Thankyou.
My poor old body was all dead and nerved out, when I went last time and thought rather smuggly that ha ha stuff doesn't hurt me, stuff like needles anyway. I didn't realise that little Dr tough hands was going to batter some feeling back into my legs. I felt those buggers go in today.



I really felt them and not the teeny thin needley prick, the bloody hell that hit a BIG NERVE sensation.
" Oh" I said " actually that hurt a bit more than last time" ( don't you love how English and polite I am? )

He laughed ( sadist) and said " if it hurt, it mean it work"
And he had hardly started.

It was different today, more needles to the head. less to hands and arms ( handy for when I snuck my camera out, although let me say people, I hope you all appreciate it because when you have needles stuck in arm muscles and have to reach back and get a camera out it hurts, a big lot. Ow. )
Also the massage. Different. I asked myself,at the same time I was telling myself that there are children having chemotherapy and being brave for heaven's sake stop being such a bloody wuss, I asked myself how such a little chinese mans hands can cause such pain...I know he didn't have a corkscrew in his hands, why does it feel like he is screwing one right through my calf????
He did my neck and back today and now, now it's finished I fell so great I could climb a mountain, or even do some ironing later, but while it was happening I thought I was going to hear a snap noise to go with that breaking kind of agony. He knocked skin off...honestly...look



Revolting isn't it, the whole bed was covered in my back skin, he hit it off, it fell off and ran for safety because he was hurting it so much.

Also......blood



that's my blood right there.
I feel like it's going to work, I can move my head.....my neck has been so tense for so long I had forgotten how to move it well. Yeay.
The past 2 nights I have had twitching, it has woken me up but it has stopped when I moved, not hurt me for 4-5 hours. If it is that much better already, I am going to be a masochistic, chinese, beating little man lover before you can say pummel my twitching legs.
I wanted Lo with me to take funny pictures and help me see the funny side. It does have a funny side. Blogs are great aren't they? You will put yourself through all kinds of things just so you can tell the world about it.

Update...one hour later I am weeping like a stupid cry baby, do you think it is getting some more sad out ?

more update.....5 hours later, have stopped crying, keep sniggering , am imagining little chinese man going home and saying to teeny chinese wife " I love my job ( said in chinese accent of course) I beat the crap outta this woman today ...and she'd already PAID me, there wasn't a thing she could do, the best part? I get to do it again on tuesday.....ha there ain't no job like it"

Oh I forgot to say, the teeny interpreter lady came in mid pummel and they were chatting, all sounded so professional until I swear, I SWEAR I heard him say " Pilaf and tandoori" He did, he said it...he was ordering his dinner, an Indian takeaway!!!!

I probably should get a life.

I am excited about having needles stuck in me tomorrow.

An occassion whereby the actress in me shone.

I had acupuncture today. Imagine. I didn't plan on actually having it, I just thought that rather than be endlessly gung ho about how marvellous something could be, I would walk around the corner and ask that nice chinese man just how effective acupuncture would be for a rotten case of restless leg syndrome.
I asked the nice chinese lady and she said that I should pay for consultation, a mere £8 and have a chat about it all. Ok, I said, let me pop home and put my shopping away and I'll be right back. I was prompted to change my underwear, not that it was dirty you understand but sometimes, you just feel it might be a good idea. I wasn't however, prompted..not even quietly, to shave my legs, dash it all.
So, I sat with the doctor and an interpreter and we went through just about every single thing to do with my health, he even looked at my tongue and my wrists. Consultation over, I was asked if perhaps I would like my first session then and there.
"Of course" I said, not really having ANY idea what that meant. I soon found out.
Into a little cubicle, devoid of any western frippery or embellishment, stark and very white.
Are the chinese less inhibited than us? I only ask because I couldn't see any gowns or anything and the lady told me quite clearly to strip to my bra and knickers......no modest sheet to cover my ample self..and she stood there. And waited.
The actress in me came to the fore, I swear I looked as though I was so used to stripping in front of teeny weeny little chinese ladies as if I hadn't a care in the world, I am, it would have appeared to all and sundry, at one with my body.
I lay on the trolley/ gurney like deal and noticed just how hairy my legs are, ye gads.....I am totally sure I shaved them just a day or two ago, not sure why the fact I have hairy legs was the most mortifying thing to me when I was lying in all my inconsiderable glory is beyond me, it just was.
In came the Dr, with his needles. Lots of them and surprisingly, I wasn't at all nervous, he began at my head, yes, my HEAD right at the top and he finished at my 2nd toe.
My head, forehead, elbows, in between my thumb and index finger, my thighs, knees, beside my knees, my ankles, calves and toes were stuck. The actual sticking wasn't at all painful, in fact not even a prick did I feel ( I so want to be flippant and tell you that actually that's not quite true because the Dr kept leaning against my elbow as he did the opposite side of me than he was standing by, and I defnately did feel something but I am trying to be like Jesus and I don't think He would tell you about that) What I did feel was a quite uncomfortable 'ow' kind of pain when he stabbed my thighs, that shot up through my bum cheek. The calf needles burned too, apparantly the places that are most in need of 'help' are the most uncomfortable. I was then left for 30 minutes and told to sleep, or ring if I needed anything.
A blogger, a true blogger would never be able to sleep in such a situation.
I was so mad that I didn't have my camera, I had my phone but I had turned it off and knew they would hear it say HELLO MOTO if I turned it on.
I so would have taken pictures of my so white body with furry legs for you, I would have, just so you could see those needles. Actually it did hurt when I tried to swivel enough to reach my phone...so I gave in and promised myself that on saturday when I go for session number 2, with shaved and maybe even fake tanned legs I will take pictures. I so will.
30 minutes later back came doctor with interpreter. Out came needles, it was noted that my skin had reacted to the needles and I had what looked like bee-sting swellings.....pretty.
Lovely gentle acupressure, soothing and pleasing to body and soul. Ahhhhhhh. Ooooooh. Happy. Happy me.
Ooooooh, oil, massage time. It was.
It wasn't, however, anything like the gentle adminitrations my mum gives with her glorious smelling oils, the smell of this oil told me that this was 'down to business' time. Indeed it was. I rather liked the whole weight leaning on my thighs part, could feel that was therapy indeed, I even almost enjoyed the punching of my thighs, when they hurt so badly at night I often punch them to get some relief, it was painful in a nice kind of way. The scraping down my shins, well I 'ooohed' a bit with that and having the handles of scissors screwed into the souls of my feet made me feel like a martyr for going to such lengths to help myself.
When I lay on my tummy and told myself to absolutely not try and imagine what that must look like to doctor leg torture, when all thoughts but the ones that screamed ' oh dear hell this has to work, it must be good for me because it really really hurts' had gone, I was happy that I had a pillow to bite.
Sweet heavens, he told me that it was evident that the muscles in my legs never relax, they are hard and taught and he pummeled them into softness and submission, oh yes he did.
I have to go 3 times a week for 2 weeks. Then, ready or not,I am going once a week because this isn't covered on the national health and I am going to wangle those next 5 sessions somehow in order to save my sanity and my soul. I paid for 4 sessions and my oil and got one session free....that will take me 2 weeks and then I should notice a marked difference.
What I was very happy with was the fact that when discussiong my symptoms he asked if I get hot and if I sweat a lot. When I almost kissed him and said yes...it all seemed to fit with him ,so imagine if somehow, in all this, that is helped too??
I am a happy and encouraged smelly person right now, I went to school to collect Seth and was a bit shy about whether people could smell my chinese oiled self.
I went up to my friends and asked outright " can you smell me? " Apparantly they could but it was a lovely smell that made them feel sort of good, so that's fine.I made H's eyes water when I first came home,

so hoorah that it had dulled somewhat by hometime.
I think I approve of chinese acupuncture and acupressure and even the massage. I hope it works, I really do. I might get addicted and go for weight loss and hormone balancing in the future. H and I looked at what he could go for ..but if he goes,he'll know how much it costs and he almost had a stroke at the mention of paying a window cleaner this morning, he'd never recover if he knew what Mr, beg pardon, Dr leg puncher charged me. I am having a hard time getting my head around it myself, I just think that if it means I can sleep and not have that pain and misery every night, that must mean I will be nicer to live with, I might even get to like living with myself....that'd make it all cheap at twice the price wouldn't it?

Back to normality...

Not that normality is normal in this house but happy is good, fun is good, being able to talk to people without shrinking and cringing and hating myself is great.
Went for coffee today with lovely Donna, we went to a posh coffee shop, and I had hot chocolate, in a tall glass without cream, marshmallows and chocolate flake but with chocolate muffin. Shoot me.
We were having a pleasant and ladylike time when 2 young whippersnapper employees ran hell for leather through our pleasantness, in a most unprofessional manner, not condusive to pretending we were sophisticated and carefree ladies out for coffee.
"Tut tut said Donna , how unprofessional"
" Indeed, said I " except i think I heard one of them yell, 'where's the stopcock?' as she ran past.
" oh. well, maybe that will excuse them then"
Indeed they were looking for the stopcock which they didn't find because the lights went out and water poured through the ceiling.
Typical.
Ate my muffin though, oh yes, in the dark, with water cascading..first things first and all that.

I am going to become a new agey type hippy. I am sick of stupid meds making me more mad and stupid than I already am....I have been thinking about reflexology, aromatherapy and having needles stuck in me, anything has to be better than pumping myself full of things that cause mayhem to my poor and weary body.
I need cures for insomnia, twitchy legs with a mind of their own and anxiety.
Sara, who reads my blog and has 3 of the most divine children alive ( who luckily are truly beautiful because they are really REALLY busy and inquisitive, read her blog and find out how busy!!) well, she emailed me today, right after my decision to be all tree hugging and natural and said that her mum is a holistic therapist...hoorah, send me to her. Hopefully she will come and visit and we can talk about her mum and Acora and children who are too darn clever for their own good ( jack is just 4 and can read like a grown up kid, watch the video of him reading, its amazing) He is so like Seth in so many ways.

I am really keen on the idea of acupuncture, there is a place near by that deals in acupuncture and I shall be looking into it very soon. I wonder if I am lacking something if the idea of having needles stuck in my person is appealing. What the hey......I have to find something, right?

I am trying to come up with an agenda for this party that has become the talk of the town, it is going to be in 3 stages. School friends. Families. Big kids friends ( where I shall be the most terrifying thing in the house if they push their luck!!)

I want, for the little people to have cookie decorating and making witches hands. 4.30-6pm, long enough, send them home full of food and happy memories.

Next, the families, many of whom will include teens, young ones, keen to be scared..so that's where I am kind of stuck. I could do the fear walk, peeled grapes in dish soap ( eyeballs). Cold spaghetti in sauce for brains, that kind of stuff, blindfolded. Max's CDs will be great here as they are so spooky.

Jordan and Sophie's friends, well they wil pretty much care for themselves. As long as there is food they will be happy. Maybe get some freaky scarey DVDs for them to watch.

Food. We have so much stuff that is sweet, cupcakes, chocolate, candy. cookies, all halloweeny of course.
Savoury food, maybe make a huge pan of my home made tomato spaghetti...it's delicious, could have garlic bread. Could make jellies ( jello) and put jelly fangs and snakes in them. Cheesy doritos with dip......green if I can manage it.

No alcohol..maybe Coke and Fanta, black and orange drinks. Give me any ideas you may have..Lacey sent some cool ones, we'll be using some of those for sure.