This wednesday, I am beginning a creative writing course! How exciting is that? I don't actually know too much about it yet, as I was asked last week if I would join and on the spur of the moment said yes.
I can't remember the last time I did anything like this.......something just for me and FUN! Tiny steps towards new experiences and poking my head outside the comforting monotony of routine and sameness. I shall have dreams of becoming a great writer on my laptop...yes a LAPTOP! Just for me, somehow the very idea of having a computer that is just mine is positively giddy making in it's grandness. I do have some projects that I have been challenged to do and I want for those things to be locked in a computer that is mine all mine! I trust H implicitly, more because I suspect he would lose the will to live at the very idea of reading pages and pages of my ramblings, I rarely write anything that would offend or embarrass him anyway, if I gripe about him, the chances are he knows he's in the dog house and is relieved that this box takes the flack rather than him!
I don't think the kids would read anything either but the idea of having everything I write in a little portable box that belongs to me alone is heavenly.
I am back at church......and I rather like it. Nearly 3 years of avoiding such places that are bound to evoke emotion has been a good thing for me, until now. Now I am ready to feel again and I am astounded at how much I do still feel. I can say that I am a bit rusty in my spirituality but it's still there, I still feel it, believe it, need it and love it. I still know things and remember things, I am so relieved about that. It was a small worry that in managing so well to squash away all those sad things, and knowing that to do that meant I also had to repress so many other emotions that were strong and took strength to feel and enjoy, I might lose the good ones along with the bad, but as each miserable feeling is leaving, the good ones are coming back. I can almost feel the fizz of happy making itself felt.
I think I have to thank my dad somehow for this. When he was ill and then we we knew he was dying, then, when horror of all horrors, it actually happened ( and truthfully I'm not entirely convinced it has sunk in for real yet) my mind went into some kind of brain fart. That colossal sadness had nowhere to go. My whole mind and soul were so crammed with everything I was hiding that this new blast of heartbreak couldn't find a space and I was left so panicked about what I would do if, you know, I actually had to feel it, go through it, live it, believe it.
I literally couldn't swallow this pain.
What a great doctor then, who saw what was happening and had me in to see Jan within days. Now I find that there is room for my dad. Not to hide him or the sadness that his going has given me, but to accept that this is just how I should feel. Everything I am feeling is so normal, so text book and acceptable, there is not an ounce of the 'why me' thing going on. Death is inevitable and we will all face it at one time and another. SO, as sad as this is, as unbelievable as it is that he is gone and we can't see him, it is a fact of life. It is OK that this has happened and so OK to be sad and cry and mention him. In fact, being so sad about my dad dying is actually a way of knowing how great a dad he was.
What the whole event has done though is bring up all that other sad stuff, that having been hidden and ignored for so long, has become much more of a monster to deal with, but deal with it I am and every day feels like a step closer to being the me I know I am underneath it all.
Hoorah!

Better out than in!

I can feel this working and although it is physically and emotionally painful, this time I actually am sure that the pain is for a reason. Whenever this has threatened to surface I have been overcome with sadness and fear and then I have managed to squash it, push it back down, ignore it and carry on. The time has come for it to go. I have no idea why this time is different, except that I have H and he can ( and does) take the slack on the home front. It won't all crumble if I curl up , I haven't yet, but I most definately have zoned out on the every day hum drum things. It is enormously helpful that I can stumble my way through a day and find that at the end of it the house is still standing and is still relatively pleasant to be in. There are clean clothes and alomst always put in the right rooms.
I have managed to bluff my way around the tasks that are mine, we have taken in turns doing the school run this last week and it has been a true joy to not have to be up and organised and out of the door by 8.10am every day. Walking ( darn it all) has been a soothing and peaceful experience in the spring weather and actually, by keeping myself to myself and therefore not having to exert too much effort into being sociable and talkative, I have felt huge progress this week in expelling some of the rotten misery that has been my greatest emotion for so long.
Last night was probably the worst night for a very long time, it's the sudden onslaught that is so terrifying, the going from normality to viscious slamming of such painful emotions, so long hidden and ignored. Just looking at Seth and seeing not him, but a tiny Dan, suddenly feeling all that pain that there wasn't time for so long ago. The guilt, the exquisite sadness that comes from having seen such evil and having been so hopelessly unable to stop it.
When a child is damaged and abused, it is not just the body that is assaulted, the very soul and spirit are offended and the healing is so long in coming. When it is YOUR child that is so hurt, your child's soul that is crushed, the pain is impossible to comprehend or accept.
My boys were so damaged and so pitifully hurt by this monster that there was no time for me to feel anything but a determination to succeed in healing them. No room for hatred or pity, no possibilty of just hiding and weeping for what was lost.
Pain though, of the emotional and spiritual kind is like a poison, a boil. It can't stay inside, it has to be lanced and until that happens it will just fester, sometimes rest and hardly be noticeable but at some time or another it will swell and it will burst.
My time has come and I am so grateful that I am able to do this and feel comfortable in the knowledge that the world can carry on without my running it for a while. ( I have a feeling that it won't be too long before I resent and question that fact however!!)
I am seeing very clearly that the body and soul are so linked that one is so affected by the other as to be astounding.
With each 'episode' of expelling yet another hidden memory, I see ( and feel) physical evidence that my body is affected as much as my spirit.
I have long felt that my legs are too heavy, weight issues and size apart, my legs have felt filled with lead for years, walking has been too hard, stairs have had me standing at the bottom wondering if I can actually lift my legs and climb them. Every step has felt so tough. That feeling is going, I can walk and feel as if I am going somewhere, I can walk and see what is around me instead of silently praying that I will just get to where I need to go without crumpling in heap.
As each memory forces it's way out of me, there is a pain in my throat that is so intense I can literally feel those emotions ripping their way out from deep inside. My back goes into spasms and my stomach heaves with enormous force. This pain, is quite literally, physically leaving me.
I have chosen not to have anyone see me when this happens. In the midst of it, I long to call for H or my mum or Julie, my sister, but actually the need for me to be rid of it is greater. If there were anyone to see me, I would stop it. I would force it back down so that no-one would feel the need to take upon themselves what is happening. This doesn't deserve to exist and so by ridding myself of it, on my own, it has nowhere to go, no-one else to hurt.
I have been thinking about the wish list and have come to the conclusion that I have pretty much everything I could wish for. When this is over, and it will be over, I will have everything I need. I won't have everything I want...who does? There will always be 'things' that would make life easier, more fun, more exciting, more comfortable and I shall be, as always, thrilled to aquire them, but the things I need are right here with me.
You can't beat that can you?

A letter he'll never see.

Dearest Daniel,

I was just sitting in the front room with Seth and I glanced at him as he sat on my lap and was struck again by how like you he is. He has the same little pixie face that you had as a 5 year old and the same build you were.
I am having therapy of sorts, in an effort to let go of so much of the sadness that I feel ..... this is a good thing I am told, but when in the midst of it , it is the most painful and terrifying of things. It's so easy to squash those feelings that could hurt us, I am a master at ignoring those things I can do nothing about, I have been anyway. Now I am in the middle of fighting the demons that have threatened me for too many years and somehow I can't run anymore.
Daniel, I am so sorry I didn't keep you safe when you such a little boy. I am so sorry that the monster got you and hurt you. In having these little boys now, it is a constant reminder of how tiny you were when you were subjected to such terror and evil and my heart breaks all over again because I was powerless to stop what had happened to you. I still hear every word you told me, I still see that little face as you told me your nightmare. I remember every detail and every moment that you felt fear and I am so sorry.
When I think of what a sweet little boy you were, how friendly and loving, when I recall how thoughtful you were and innocent and trusting, I am filled with such rage that someone could take you and rip apart such perfection. Someone came and for no other reason than selfish and depraved desires, everything was changed. No more childhood, no more trust. No more innocence and wonder. I am so angry that you had only 4 years of being a little boy. Oh I'm so sorry I didn't keep you safe.
There is something about being a mother that makes us feel we are all responsible. From the moment you were born and I saw your little old man's , wise looking face, I felt that everything about you was now my responsibility. I didn't know that actually, before you were 4, it would be ALL mine. Your dad left and somehow made you feel as if it was your job to care for me. It wasn't my boy, it has never been your job to look after me, it has always been mine to take care of you.
I know that there was nothing I could have done to stop what happened that day, somehow though, I just feel as if I should have known, should have had some kind of extraordinary power to know and be able to get there and stop it. If there were only some kind of magic that could have been mine that day........
I understand that the time has come for me to find a way to let go of how much this has hurt me, because it hurt you. I promised you and Jordan that I would hold the terror and keep you both safe from it. Are you safe from it? If I let it go, let it out and try to stop it hurting me so much, will you stay safe?
I think it is fighting it's way out anyway. I hurt so much that I'm almost afraid of what is happening, no matter how hard I try, I can't keep the pictures away anymore. Like some kind of hideous movie, that whole nightmarish time is replaying in my mind and heart and I can't stop it. When I feel it is about to overwhelm me, I try and hide somewhere so no-one can see what happens to me. I don't want anyone to else to be touched or affected by what comes out. Let it go and be gone for good. If this feeling were visible it would be black and it would be filthy. If it had an odour it would be putrid. To be rid of it will be heaven.
I so hope this is the beginning of the end of this long road, I am so tired of this hurt that I want to get away from it once and for all and to grab back some of that fearless and exhillerating joy that I can almost remember is out there to be had.
I am so proud of you my son. Against all odds you are happy and strong, you are achieving such great things in your life you are amazing. Love mum x

A pretty good start!!

I am on my way.....


The diet blog is HERE

I wish....( this could take a while!!)

In my session with Jan today she suggested I make a wish list. It can be wishes for anything...which seemed like a great idea until I came to start. It's midnight and all day I have been thinking and can't seem to begin. I think though, that once I DO begin it will be hard to stop!

It's a great feeling to know that materially there is little I would wish for. I love my home and don't mind at all that this one is rented, I feel pretty sure that we can stay here for as long as we need / like so that is enough for me. Our landlady is great.
I love the thrill and satsifaction of making it beautiful on a tight budget, I really believe that we enjoy what we have because the joy of finding it and buying it without debt and worry. One man's trash is most definately our treasure!!
I have never been one for jewels and designer clothes, so I don't long for any of that.
My one wish, should it be a material one, would be for a car that was new enough to be reliable. I know nothing about cars, H knows nothing about cars and so we are at the mercy of garage owners who can say what they like and we believe them! We have a car that is 14 years old, it has been well used and is feeling it's age which frightens me! *sigh* 2 grown up sons who can cook up a storm but can't fix cars....typical! I don't pine for a grand car, a fast car or a flash car. My wish, in car, would be for one of these
Fitting that I should find the nice car on e.bay. I tried to find jazzy pics on posh websites but all I seemed to get was way too many words and not enough pretty pictures of shiny cars with no trees in the wing mirrors. E.bay, I love you.

It's now 1am...it's taken me an hour to find a picture of a car I like ( a simple task I thought would be easy!)....... a full wish list, including non material things, might take a while!!

Such a lady !

You know when you are relaxed and alone and perhaps at the computer, minding your own business and feeling that actually, life is alright? And then you need to burp and life is fine because you can, so you do. I did that just now, it was akin to the mating call of the mousse. I was quite proud until I remembered that I am not alone, I have a young whippersnapping decorator papering in my bathroom, about half a whisper away. He shut the door and called someone on his mobile phone. I think I will will be famous by tomorrow night.

When the sun shines my heart feels better. Living in California was heaven for me as far as weather goes...seasons are pretty and I love to look at the pictures but put me where the sun shines and you won't hear me complain about the weather a bit!
Today was just the perfect sort of day, warm weather without miserable heat, clear skies and just a feeling of well being. I took the boy down town for a walk, Eli is just not a baby anymore and although I am sure I should mind a little bit, he is becoming such a sweet little person it's hard not to enjoy who he is, baby or not. He walked like a real person and chatted, he loves to look at who is out and spread his sunshine wherever he goes, we walked past a lovely pub with outside tables and he climbed the railings to stare at the people eating!! He stopped and walked backwards just so some old ladies could have enough time to appreciate just how divine he is. He danced to the busker playing his trumpet . Life is just splendid when you are two and your mummy isn't in a hurry. Life is just splendid when you are 43 and your boy is Elijah. He likes nappies, totally doesn't care how old he is and when the question of potty training is timidly posed he says that his nappy is ' nice a warm' and he doesn't even need it changing thankyou, forget taking it away all together.
Happy day albeit a bit dull from a blogging point of view!! Sorry!

Better than chicken soup.....

This is Shane Ward, he is very beautiful, he is the winner of the X.Factor ( UKs version of American Idol) he makes my 43 year old heart beat a bit faster and I 'heart' him. He makes me feel better quicker than any old soup. Ahhhhhhh those heady days of having such crushes, may we never grow too old! And here is more of him....*sigh*

Restful Sunday.

I stayed home from church today thanks to my throat. Heavens it's SO sore...looks perfectly revolting too, I will get it checked tomorrow as it must need some anti biotics. Trying to sleep is horrible as somehow my throat wants to close and try falling asleep with that feeling going on!!
In my quest for lounge perfection I found myself boggle eyed at ebay again. Lo and behold, if I didn't find another leather enemble that sounded as if it should go perfectly with the sofa I found last month. It was a bit of a gamble because the colours never seem to be true on the pictures, my gut told me to go for it though and I won another couch, 2 chairs and a footstool, a year old, having been loved by an older couple. It cost £ 216.01 which is again a mere 10th of what the original owners paid but a substantial whack for me to hand out all at once. I grit my teeth and it arrived today and it is PERFECT! We are so posh, honestly I might start making people bow when they come through the door, I took a picture of H in one of the chairs because he looks as though he is being swallowed whole! He looks really small in it! Small but perfectly comfortable and a bit grand.


I took a picture that was supposed to have Isaac in but he hid, almost.


We were watching Lassie, do you remember the Lassie films, are they not the best films ever? Do you think my kids were in the least bit interested? H and I found ourselves getting very grumpy at their irreverence to the brilliance of the Collie dog. If sunday afternoons weren't made for Lassie films and comfy couches then I may as well give it all up here and now. Heathen children, took themselves into the other room and put Batman on. BATMAN!

I took a picture of the couch, with Seth on it, because he told me to and because then I could show people and they can marvel at my ebaying genius.

Now I will admit that as a rule, I like to show off with pictures of my home when they kids are in bed, I can pretend that the pillows are always just 'so' ( and already I have got rid of some and changed others!) that we never have stuff all over the floor, or wires coming out of the TV because H is playing movies from his Ipod, we don't have phones not in their holders being charged and looking tidy, or hideous linen napkins that look horrible but at least catch some of the orange juice and ice cream dribble. However, today I thought I would show you how it really is. Somehow my coffee table looks dirty, it really isn't, it's actually sort of rustic looking in real life, just as well because it is getting more and more rustic looking with each bash of a hotwheel. I'm not overly keen on the perfect 'Seth surname' written in green pen that won't come off unless we sand 3 inches of the table top off but it'll be quite sweet when he's 30 and we show his kids what a bugger he was. ( will the table last that long I wonder?!)
So, a long but quiet day, back to school tomorrow. H is walking them to school because the seperation anxiety has hit an all high. If I so much as go to the back door they hang onto me screaming and saying they are worried and can they come? and they will be good! and what if they dont see me for 3 minutes? When they accept that they really can't come with me, we have 20 minutes of hugging and kissing and I love you and I miss you and I'm worried. We hope that they won't do that to H tomorrow. They don't seem to mind when he goes out. What a treat it will be not to have to get dressed and do the school run. I shall savour it.
Tomorrow is my weigh in with the doctor ( if she has an appt, they run a deal here where you call first thing in the morning) . I will of course fill you in on all the details. The drug she is going to prescribe if I have lost the right amount of weight is called ORLISTAT. I am releived to read that the hideous side effects are considerably lessened if you eat well. My whole aim is to eat well, not stuff myself and suffer the consequences! I am a bit nervous though, as with all medications if you read ALL the side effects its like reading a torture manual. I am putting my trust in the doctor who assures me this is a GOOD thing to go with.
So, sunday over, a new week begins tomorrow. The sun has been out and that makes all the difference to me. Glorious.
Here are the posh pics, with no messy people in them!

Croak...

Sore throat, very sore throat, aching body and swollen neck ( just glands I think) I am feeling quite splendidly weary and am going to bed. Ahhhhh bliss.

All this in one day!

What a packed day today has been, starting with a councelling appointment at 8.30am. This woman is great, either that or the relief of having someone neutral to talk to is so enormous I get in, open my mouth and spew stuff I had no idea was bothering me!
Today, I somehow got talking about the first one, the man I had my 3 big kids with, that got around to how useless he was in times of great need. The biggest time being after the abduction of Dan and Jordan. I have understood that for him, and many others, it was just too diificult to accept, impossible to hear about and so I'm actually not angry, or sad about that anymore. I think to myself that because I see how great my boys are and how perfectly well adjusted and happy they are, I am over what happened to them. Not so.
All during that heartbreaking time, I promised them that they could tell me anything and I would take it from them. No matter how frightening, how bad it made them feel, no matter what it was, they could give it to me and I would keep it, take it away, make it better. I did that and I am proud of how well I did it. 4 years of the most horrific and nightmarish images, memories, pain and fear...from them, to me.
I got to talking about what had happened because Jan, ( my therapist) didn't know any of it. So as I began to tell her, of course I cried, because it's all still inside, every single bit of it. It's not that I still feel so sad about it now,but recalling those years brings back every emotion. In telling her, there were other details that, to her, sounded horrific, but to me, had at the time seemed insignificant next to the real horrors I was living.
As I talked, and cried....and remembered I suddenly said " Ha...all of this, all this sadness and all these memories, they would never fit inside a skinny person would they?" BINGO!
I know that a lot of my hanging on to my weight has been a result of being so miserably treated by the first one, what has always puzzled me is that even now I am married to a man who has never, ever made me feel small about how I look, who is genuinely bemused if I hint at a feeling self loathing, why do I still hang onto it?
I am hanging on to all that sadness, I promised the boys I would take it and stop it hurting them. Somehow I believe that if I let it go, it might find them again. I sort of feel I am doing my job if I hold onto it. My body is holding it in. It takes a big body to hold all that misery. I think my fat has made me feel safe.
I hope that the time has come for me to trust H to make me feel safe. To believe that there are other ways to keep a promise to my sons. Daniel and jordan are better. I made them better. I have done a good job. Holding on to what I know, and what I felt all those years ago is hurting me now and it's time I try and find a way to get rid of it . I hope also that my body can let go of its need to surround it all and hold it in. ( I am sounding SO profound, am I cool or what?) If I was to embrace the hippy in me I could even decide to write down some of the misery ( the secret stuff that doesn't get told to anyone else, ever) and every time I lose half a stone ( 7lbs) I could burn that memory...almost a symbloic way of saying that the need to hide and bury that pain is gone. I could then hug a tree. I feel a floaty skirt moment coming on.

Do you want to know another miraculous thing that happened today? When I got home and did my 'tra-la-la- get- on- with- life- even- though- I- have- just- ripped- my- soul- out- thrown- it- in- front- of- a- stranger- and- then- stamped- on- it ' thing, he stood right in front of me and said
"How's it going?" and he meant it.
So I told him. Sort of.
He stayed there and he didn't look scared when I howled ( again) and then he hugged me, with both arms. In the kitchen. In the clean kitchen, that he had cleaned. I love him.

And another miraculous thing....all in one day....Sophie, as we speak, is at a church members house, having a bar-b-que, she said that she missed going to church and being with the girls there....hooray. She is SO nice lately and its so easy to spoil her and be nice right back and kiss her and hug her and tell her to please stop talking and go out because my ears are about to drop off.
I think....nah, won't say it in case it jinxes it. Suffice to say I hope she is really growing up and will soon be as happy as she should be.
So, I am off to have a cadbury's highlights hot chocolate and put my feet up. It has been a long and eventful day, but a good one.

What is the world coming to?

A short entry tonight ( unless I am miraculously sticken with inspiration) big old headache, twitchy legs and after a day of poorly kids and teenagers who are BOOOOORED ( save me from bored teenagers PLEASE) I am ready to lay my weary head on my cool crisp cotton pillowcase and sleep.
Does anyone understand kilos = pounds? I know I lost 4 kilos this week, is that good or depressing? I'd look it up but it feels too much like math homework so that's against my personal ethics. Someone cheat for me and tell me the answer please. Why did they have to start messing with what worked perfectly well? I am holding onto inches and pounds and am kicking and screaming against centimetres and kilogrammes. Don't even think about mentioning kilometres to me! All that new fangled nonsense whips over the top of my head so fast I'm left with a centre parting, life is hard enough without messing with the numbers. Stop it.
I miss Dan at the moment. He is getting more and more grown up and his life is so full and busy, just as it should be but I miss him. I have been thinking about whne the big ones were little lately and it seems so long ago, it definately helps me enjoy these little ones more but I wish I had known just how fleeting those years would be.
Leah found an album of pictures of Sophie when she was a baby, she was divine, I shall scan them and put them on , I lost all my baby pictures when I moved to the U.S. thank goodness I gave mum so many!
Oh.....in july H has been here 3 years, he can get his British Citizenship, we are also applying for seth and Isaac too. The British are so nice, they don't even have to relinquish their U.S status, they can be both. How lovely.
Nexy summer we are planning on a 5 week vacation to the states. What fun that will be!! H is already working out a budget. Ugh swear word to me.....my life is rigid enough without someone telling me how much to spend on what and where and how. I could feel my fists clench at the mention of it. When I saw what H thinks we can set aside I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. On paper it all looks so easy until real life sets in, like the shocks going on my car and the emissions being out of whack which means the garage ' playing around' with it until it is OK..yeah right, play around and " whoops, sorry luv- that broke, it'll cost ya" Which brings me to another thought I had today. England is losing it's quaintness. We used to be such a trusting nation, now it's a case of proving everything all the time, new number plate for the rear of my car. That ought to be simple , I had to take in my registration and drivers license. Do I look like a gangsters moll? Honestly, someone looking less like a criminal out buying new plates to fit on get away vehicles you are unlikely to find. What is the world coming to? I remember the days when we would see cardboard number plates held on with string. Those were the days.
Oh, and grandpa was working today, someone stole his mower from the back of his truck. He is 70 years old, still working every day, still working on 8-10 yards a day. This will cost him at least £1,000 to replace. I hope whoever stole it runs over their own foot. Unchristian of me I know, but satisfying. He always chains everything up, but today he thought he would be OK just blowing some leaves before he headed home. He was wrong. what is this world coming to? BAH!
Night night.
Oh, the diet blog is right HERE

Balls.

When I was four, I knocked at the door the day I went to sea.
I climbed aboard a pirate ship and the captain said to me......




...actually he said absolutely nothing at all, because there was no persuading this little 4 year old to get on that pirate ship. It will wobble on the water, maybe it sint. Maybe he will feel sit ( sick. )Maybe he don't want to doe on nat ship. so we just looked at it and thought it was OK and then we wandered and we found, we found BASKETBALL CLOTHES! This is fabulous, Isaac said he will deffally wear nat, he even fromithed. We bought 2 sets of shorts and basketball shirts. My heart took pictures of 2 little boys actually wearing shorts.
Isaac, bless him, is having trouble actually picking up a basketball, because those pesky shorts tickle his legs so he runs from one end of the house to the other holding his shorts away from his legs, if he courtsied he'd have the perfect look. I love this boy, his every eccentricity makes him more glorious every day. Balls are the thing right now, tennis balls, rugby balls, basketball balls, footballs, he loves them all. HE must love them if he wore shorts. It was very quiet at 6.15 and I went into the boys' room to get their Pjs out...Isaac was already in bed and fast asleep, in his basketball clothes. Night night Isaac, I had a lovely day.
Darn car failed the M.O.T. Little things and 2 big things that are so big I can't think straight about it today. Oh well.

Busy busy.

Just the way we like it. I just hate days that seem to last a week and just when you feel you can't do another hour and hooray it must be a,most time for bed....it's 5.27pm Today wasn't like that and I liked it.

Nothing terribly exciting ( bank holiday carboot sale) Isaac was in some weird kind of mood that made me feel nostalgic for days long gone by WHEN I HAD NO CHILDREN. Dear life, how can someone so little make so much miserable noise? Everything made him whine, well whine doesn't really do it justice, it was more like the noise a plane makes just as it is about to hit the ground after having hurtled through the air for 389 feet, nose first. No black socks...WERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! Grey socks the same as the black socks but grey... WERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Strawberry milkshake, share with Seth.. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He not give it a me quick enough WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ooh look crappy toy at carboot sale that is already broken, I need it, what do you mean I can't have it NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!
Oh, nice toy, like that toy, have enough money for toy, buy toy, see it has a teeny tiny bit of pink on it.... I not a dirl, I hate pink. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRWWAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHH!
I tired, I cold, want to go back to car! Soon, but not yet. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
All done, lets go back to the car...I not want to go yet .......mummy! MUMMY! Why you screamin???

Cut the Eli boy's hair today, I looked at the pictures I took at the park on saturday and thought how he looked remarkably like a neglected little boy , cut his hair and hey presto, he looks a bit loved and precious again. Very good.

Tomorrow is an exciting day, Eli is at gramma's house with her and titty Leah, Seth is going out with daddy for the day, he has a hospital appointment for his eyes and then they will head off somewhere nice I hope.
My Isaac and I are driving the car to the garage for its MOT ( nice car, be well and healthy and good for the air sucking man called Jim) then we are buying a day rider ticket and will spend the day hopping on buses and visiting places we haven't been before. We are going to Brixham to see the pirate ship and have lunch together and talk about things. He is excited and I think he won't wail or howl or whine or even frown. Please.

Oh sweet joy, we're back in business.

I know that spring is here for real because we went to a saturday car boot sale! I love it, H loves it and the boys sort of love it if we bribe them well enough. We romped home with a veritable plethora of bargains and spent the day feeling very pleased with ourselves. I picked up a huge assortment of Little People sets for the boy, I thought he would play in a nice sort of cataloguey way ( even though I am aware that he doesn't have a cream coloured cablke knit sweater or white socks that are actually white on the bottom) with the sweet little farm and the village that sings and the garage with car wash........he did have some lovely fun with it because if you jump on it and kick out at the same time you can send those little people is 27 different directions at once, with a bit of practise you can knock out a brother or two at the same time. The glorious little people are packed away until the big boys are at school when I shall sit like a good mummy and show the boy just how we should play with such heavenly play sets, if that fails I shall sell them on ebay and make a killing. ( I actually meant the toys but the selling the kids isn't a bad idea now I think on it)
Isaac bought a fisher price fort and knights for £3...all 3 played with that all day, well I say all 3, Eli of course got his kicks by waiting for just the right moment and then snagging the very toy that was crucial to the particular moment. He's a bugger and no denying, but he's a cute one and with that grin and the teeth he sort of wings his way out of a good beating from the other two......I'm not sure how long that will last though because he's catching up and he isn't terribly much smaller than them now.

I had a new tyre ( and yes, that IS how it is spelled here in England) fitted today. All 4 are good at last, of course the rest of the car is held together with plastic garden garden ties but the tyres are splendid. I had a nice time at the garage, I was the only customer at the time and the young man who was working must have been bored because he was very chatty. It was almost a treat to be standing and watching rather than sitting in the somewhat greasy waiting room trying to be interested in magazines about exhausts and wheel balancing. I know I say this often but really, I HAVE to get out more.

I am at the end of day five of my new regime and with the exception of yesterday when there seemed to be a very long time in between meals, it has been a happy and positive week. Good, it's miserable when the whole thing is just a chore and painful. An added bonus is the fact that I am so disinterested in shopping and cooking and even thinking about meals. H is taking care of himself and the boys and all I have to do it grab something for me......somehow it's working without the whole deal being the be all and end all.
Thinking about food has been my life for years and years, either what to eat, wishing I hadn't eaten, wishing I could eat, trying not to eat, planning what to eat or not eat , lets not forget the actually eating itself ...ugh I am bored with it. I would do remarkably wel, I think, on one of those meal replacement diets that every doctor over here goes into a faint over and refuses to discuss . It would be heaven to me right now to swig down a milkshake 3 times a day and be done with it. Another option would be to have a personal chef...what heaven would that be. I can so imagine being put in front of a good healthy meal and having to do nothing but eat it and say thankyou. I'm not even tempted to live on junk, I walk around the supermarket and see it all and seem to sigh and not be able to gather the enthusiasm to pick any of it up!
Cadbury's are making a bar of chocolate that has the cream egg middle, I've looked at it and thought " bet that's nice" and walked right on by...can't be bothered to even try it. HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?
Only one more week and I'll be home and dry because then, if the gannet gob returns I shall be unable to sneak and cheat.....already, the very thought of what will happen if I eat the wrong foods when on this medicine has me eating baked potatoes with no butter....which isn't nearly as delicious as one dripping in the yummy yellow stuff, so of course, a small one will do. No point for me in eating toast if I can't have butter ..so I eat grapefruit instead ( actually a tin of mixed grapefruit I have found that is SO delicious)
43 and maybe just beginning to think in a tiny way the way 'normal' people think about food. Imagine. Early days but a positive attitude has to help doesn't it?

Skip to sunday morning......the easter bunny has been and the house is full of chocolate. My little people quite like chocolate but the most fun is being had from unwrapping, smashing and leaving, what a sense of humour that easter bunny has, did he read my half written blog last night and think to test my resolve? Can I REALLY walk past mountains of cadbury's chunks and not eat them? I suspect not, so I have told the boys they mustn't let mummy eat it. Boys of 4 and 5 are like Nazis if you give them permission to tell their mother "NO!" I think I have it covered. ( as long as they eat it or throw it away before they go to bed, no-one can be strong enough to sweep up and THROW AWAY cadburys buttons, NO-ONE!!

I am going to church today, for the full 3 hours, I sort of feel as though I am going for an appointment to have my armpit hair plucked. I don't feel happy and floaty. I am hoping this means that something will be said to make me very glad I went. My spirit wants to go but my body wants to stay here and not talk to people. It wants to be quiet and left alone. When you feel a bit fragile ( and I felt that way spiritually before my dad was ill) to place yourself in a position where you are sure to FEEL something, where you know your spirit will be touched or awakened it's tantamount to masochism. Going to church always makes me feel something.
Being with my dad while he was dying was the most spiritual and soul uplifting time. I am in no doubts about a hereafter, I know God lives. I know I want to feel the same peace when it is my time to leave this earth, for my children to not be sad for me and feel sure that I am in a great place.......I'm just having a hard time with the knowledge that it takes more than saying I know God lives and telling myself He loves me, so that's OK. ( bringing to mind the scripture that says something like " what good does it do us if we say "Lord, Lord", but do not what he says") I have to act on what I know, work on what I need improving. Oh pppptttttttthhhhhhhhhhh.
I feel so lazy. In every way, physically, spiritually and emotionally. It's like trying to run through treacle. I just hope that in making myself do the things that seem hard, they will get easier, I'm in serious trouble if they get harder!

Next month there is a father and son camp .....I am beyond excited about this..I'm not a father or a son so I get to stay home in a lovely bed in a quiet house! Whoopie doopie doo! Eli will be here because he's just not old enough and unfortunately everyone knows that. He is a sweet boy when on his own and we will have a smoochie time on our own. Please don't let it rain. Please don't listen to H if he prays for rain because he will be praying a selfish prayer, he will only be thinking of himself. Men can be so selfish!


PS...I have started a new blog, it's just for the could be dull recordings of my weight loss quest, I decided not to do it here as it could bore the life out of one and all but wanted to ....oh I explain it all HERE

Somedays, it just all goes RIGHT!

Beautiful weather, 3 little boys playing just as little boys should.....jumping and shouting and jumping some more.


Feeding ducks and swans and some ugly who knows what birds with fat feet and mean natures....


Sitting very very still hoping that a butterfly will sit on him.....



Not sitting still because, well because he doesn't do that, and right here and right now he didn't HAVE to so that.



Sitting still because he is ferry hundry and wants somfin to eat, tan we doe mattdonnals?



On the walk to the car, we met some special needs adults on a walk, they were quite severely disabled and Eli looked and said "Hey, I want to TISS you" and puckered up, one lady hid in fear- so he ran to the next one and said " I want to tiss YOU!" and he did and I think one lady's day was made brighter by my baby who just did what felt right on a sunny day.
At Macdonalds, Seth ate FOUR chicken nuggets, just ate them as if he had done it all his life!! FOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS!!! For dinner we had Dominoes Pizza.....he ate THREE slices, whole slices......SETH !! This kid has NEVER eaten meat,chicken or fish, never even been able to touch pizza ( all those things mixed together....bad, bad food. ) He also wore new jeans, that fit him and said he liked them. What a miraculous day.

Sometimes there is a longing in me to simply go WILD! Be spontaneous, go crazy......but in this house, well it would be catastrophic!
I am able to see the humour in how these male people behave ( mostly) but honestly for a girl who finds great joy in thinking " hmmm, that might be nice, I think I'll do it, try it, go there" etc. It can occassionally feel like being bound in chains to have so many people with their rigid autistic tendancies.
Take for instance the hotwheels phase we have going on. Lovely, cars and tracks and fun fun fun......not. The trouble with 'sets' is they come in a box..with pictures on, so if there is a picture, THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE! The boys have a 2 big sets, one like a dinosaur with grey and blue track and a newer one with orange track....what a treat then when daddy thought he would suprise the boys by making a HUGE, extra long, extra twisty track, using both sets. I was almost giddy with how cool it looked, ha, we foiled them, they thought they were getting bored with hot wheels, not so you young 'uns, daddy had hotwheels when he was little and he is GREAT with it, wait til you see how cool this is....you will go NUTS with excitement.
They went nuts, really nuts....because OH MY GOODNESS the blue track is mixed with the orange track and that's not how it's meant to go is it? IS IT? Can you see blue and orange mixed on the picture? No because it isn't supposed to be mixed! Don't put a car on that track because it won't WORK it isn't meant to be that way...OH! OH! OH! QUICK. take it apart and make it right. *sigh*
Clothes, probably more of an issue than it ought to be because I am vain, I like my beautiful children to look a bit splendid......Isaac is having a new clothes phase right now, he wants new clothes, craves new clothes neeeeeds new clothes. This is very exciting to me, we have bought him new clothes and how thrilled am I that he chose a new England football shirt to replace the very old aged 2 one he wears every day. Nice new shirt......he loves it, he really does and any day now he is going to actually wear it. He is wearing the nice zip up England jacket he chose, all the time, ALL THE TIME. He is sweating and panting in the heat of the mild sunshine we have had while he runs and kicks his football, he isn't hot so he doesn't need to take it off ( he says with hair stuck to his head) at bedtime he asks many times where his jacket will go.... it hurts him that it is going to be washed but he trusts me now, he knows that it will be clean and dry for the morning and now I know for sure he really loves it enough to wear it I am going to buy a second one. True joy for the boy, a relief for me.
Seth, hmmmm, he is reluctant to let go of anything beloved. His woody suit is worn to bed every night, sometimes, when there is no school he wears it under his clothes, sometimes he wears the jacket with jeans, sometimes he just wears it all day after he has worn it all night.
He loves his jeans that have served him so well for nearly 2 years, they don't have holes, why does he need new ones? But they are nice, he likes them , they fit him ..... see? He can still do them up, they aren't tight....PAH! What does it matter that they are at least 3 inches too short.
There is such excitement here at the moment because Seth, the frightened of food boy has been trying new things. Teeny tiny tastes but without screwing his face up in terror. This evening he picked up a 'sumthing' a potato number shape and actually sniffed it and licked it. 5 minutes later he actually ate half of it. HUGE DEAL. He then said he wouldn't eat it again though, bother! There is hope that one day he will bite something and really like it and add it to his very limited list of safe and acceptable foods. We can but hope.
So, if anyone fancies a day doing things MY way, lets go....no plans, no routine, get in the car and see where we end up.....let's stay over if we feel like it, no packed food, we'll eat out, in places no-one has tried or tested, let's be devils, we won't even pack PJs. Let's see if the sky falls in. Bet you it doesn't.

Where are you from?

Well well, this morning, faced with glorious sunshine I decided that I would WALK Elijah over to mums house. Yes people, WALK. With my legs and the huffing and puffing thing. Trying to look as if I do this all the time, up hills and everything. It's not too far, but we are in a bit of a hilly up and down type part of the country, so for the unused to exercise ones among us, a fairly strenuous start to the day.
Because I feel pretty good today ( and I'm sure I would have felt good anyway please don't tell me it was the exercise that did it!) I am going to list some of the benefits of having walked rather than drive.

1. Ability to stare mindlessly ahead and think about whatever I like instead of concentrating on how many middle aged men who have been driving for 30 years, so have full rights to the road and be darned to the highwaycode and all that stuff, will pull out in front of me, make sure that under no circumstances do they allow me to slide in front of them when having to change lanes and just generally be a hazzard to one and all on the roads. It was very pleasant to talk to Eli about the things that 2 1/2 year olds find fascinating, not have to hold my mouth in case a really fruity expletive came shooting out, aimed at a middle aged man.

2. Daffodils and pansies. How can you not enjoy daffodils and pansies in their splendour in every front garden and courtyard in tubs. Hoorah! spring is here and we saw it because we WALKED.

3. I walked past my car, twice. I laughed at it. No petrol from me today you gas guzzling monster. ( for which I am incredibly grateful, have to say that as it is going for it's M.O.T next week, must pass without need for work, nice car, serves me well car,please don't cost me any more money car.) Amazing how we depend so on these things, the very thought of being without a car is very frightening to me!

4. I saw for myself, that now the weather is getting better, we really CAN walk the boys to school, this means that H can do it too! I can stay in my PJs some mornings while HE does the clinging leg thing and drop the boys into their classrooms. Oh JOY!

5. I worked up a sweat. That's not in itself a good thing, but I know it means that I burned some calories, that IS a good thing. Normally I say that my overall goal in a quest to lose weight is to be more healthy. Yep, absolutely, but actually this time I want to get THIN, at least thinner. Much thinner. I want to be able to do simple things like wear a shorter t-shirt, not have to search for something that I think hides my belly and bum, I know I'm not kidding anyone, these things aren't being hidden!
I want to be able to sit next to H and not feel like I am a hippo snuggling a koala.
I want to go clothes shopping and just see something and buy it, not check to see if it is stretchy material, if it is a generous size 22.
I want to look at clothes and snort because, huh I can't buy THAT it's WAY too big for heavens sake.
I REALLY want a summer where I don't drip sweat and try to look as if I don't know, or care. I know this summer won't be that way but if I can get through this one feeling that it will be my last one suffered such a way, that'd be fantastic. Sweating is not good on a woman, even on a pig it is unflattering, I want to stop doing it if the temperature is over -2 and I move faster than a sloathe.
How lovely if I can meet up with friends and be excited because we will be having fun and enjoying each others company, not worry about how hard it is for them to not look at how fat I am or worry how much I grunt when I move!

6. Feeling a bit self righteous first thing in the morning certainly beats feeling under a cloud and wishing it wasn't morning. I enjoyed seeing other people out and about and thinking they were sure to be impressed by me being out and about using my legs and walking my delicious boy on his way to gramma and titty Leah's house. Maybe they saw my red and throbbing face and imagined I had been running just before they saw me?! Maybe they didn't actually give me a second thought ( unless I said "good morning" to them, which I did if they were elderly ladies still wearing their winter coats because they daresn't cast a clout til May is out!) Who knows, the great thing about walking is that you can think of such things because if you lose concentration and crash it will only be into a post box and you'll just look ridiculous, probably brightening someones day, if you're driving...well you can imagine.

So, I have discovered that I actually enjoy walking, if it's TO somewhere, if there is a destination in mind, with a goal at the end...I just can't quite imagine putting on my shoes and a cheery smile for the sake of walking around in pointless circles just so I can say I have been for a walk. Tomorrow I shall walk somewhere else, I hope I can take just Eli in the pushchair. Seth and Isaac aren't fun to be out with unless it is at a park. How can 2 such little people cause so much turmoil in a small outing? Why must they see something they need / want/ can't live without and melt down and hold breath when they can't have it...EVERY TIME THEY GO OUT?!? One at a time I can reason with them.... 2, I'm outnumbered and although they aren't at all in cahoots, it's them against me and my eardrums.....nope, they can stay at home!

Oh funny thing, this evening Seth and Isaac were taking a bath.....
Seth said " Isaac! Look at your skin. Look at it..you are SO tanned. Where do you come from? Are you from a mountain in India? I think you are...you are very brown." HA HA HA!!!!!
Isaac was very disturbed betoz he ith from Talifornia, he not a indian and he not from a mountain.
"Where is Elijah from Seth?"
"The gypsies." I say no more.



Day 2 has been easier than day 1.....I like that. Doing 2 days of being kind to myself is twice as good as one day. Yippee.

The journey begins. ( again!)

So, today began the journey to the fitter and slimmer me. Again. Like many before me I have lost and gained and relost and regained weight ,Who knows the reason? Ask a skinny person when they eat and they will say when they are hungry, ask any big person and they will say when they are happy, sad, angry, excited, worried...any time but when they are hungry, hunger is an alien feeling to most overweight people.
I wish I could recognise and pinpoint the cause of my determination, why is it that almost every day of my life I long to eat well, wish I didn't eat the wrong foods or too much of the right foods....but still do it. Then at times I suddenly feel that enough is enough and there is the absolute will power and determination to help myself. I'm so glad this happens because at least there is a limit to the size I become. I see people who never grasp this feeling of stopping the destruction and my heart cries for them. How awful to just never be able to stop, never like yourself enough to just put the brakes on for a while.
My downfall is that the feelings don't last. Somehow, for some reason eventually I fall off track...that's why I am going to go for this option of medicine to help. I have 2 weeks to get on a great programme that will be good for me, will help me lose weight and feel ( and look) better. I can do two weeks, actually I am sure I can do much longer. After 2 weeks I can get the meds, if I stick to the healthy eating, I won't get the side effects, I will lose weight and will have the bonus of the fat not being stored in my body. If I cheat, I'll be ill. After 3 months I will be evaluated again, if I have responded well to the medicine I get another 3 months, after that another 6 months. The plan is for a year. Research has shown that after a year very, very few people on this plan regain the weight because they have retrained their minds and bodies to eat well. That's what I need. I need help to stick with it until I like myself enough to believe I deserve to look and feel good.
I am so inspired by Julie and Laurie...they are doing SO beautifully and to read how great they feel about what they are doing has to make us all want a piece of that feel good!
I have these little boys who are so bursting with energy and even though I am overweight I can keep up....but I want that to continue. More than that is the need to fight the sadness. I just hate feeling so at odds with who I am, it's so unhealthy to dislike who you are. When responsible for children it is a worrying place to be, it must reflect in how you behave around them. I know it does.
So day one has been good, one day at a time is the way forward I think.

I find myself sort of excited about something rather bizarre. I spoke to my doctor today about losing weight and my complete inabilty to get my mouth to do what my head tells it, which is to shut itself and stop allowing itself to eat delicious yet nutritionally hopeless and fattening foods. I blame my mother, we have to blame someone and it is probably her fault as she was the one who made eating such a treat after every horrid thing we dealt with during dad's illness, I bet she used to bribe me with chocolate when I was 3 or something. I'll bet she did.
Anyway, nice doctor ( who didn't once mention walking , nice doctor) said that she will help me. She told me about the drug that my old doctor mentioned...you know, the one who told me I would feel great if I went for walks, nice idea but when it's a mammoth task to get out of bed in the morning the last thing you want is to stomp up hills, even if the view is pleasant.
So, I am to lose a mere 3lbs in 2 weeks and then can begin to take a drug that will expel fat from my being. Sounds marvellous doesn't it? Actually it sounds perfect for me because what it does is this...if you cheat and eat crappy stuff with fat in it, your body punishes you and makes you shoot that evil fat out. I am told that even a little cheat will cause you discomfort and perhaps even the possibility of losing control of your bowels, staining was mentioned, this is SERIOUS stuff. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW.
Oh flatulence could be a problem too.
I think my bottom is already afraid, it has been practising all evening. Every time I think of how it will be if I take this medicine and try and sneak a chip or 12 I feel my bowels contract and quiver in fear. It's great stuff, even the thought of it is making me check the fat content of fizzy water. I feel positively skinny and fit already ( as well as exhausted and in need of a comfy pillow to sit on.)
So tomorrow will see the start of my new regime, H is joining me, he's not a bad old boy really. He sang today and told me he learned how at 'talk twenny one'. Funny.

Say what you mean.

I just had to write another entry today because it's worth recording.
Today was a big church conference, hundreds of people, great singing and the promise of some inspiring and uplifting speakers. A bit of a journey, maybe 35 miles or so but I look forward to these meetings because I am sure to meet up with many old friends, my favourte thing!
So, meeting over ( and a lovely one it was too, my lovely dad was mentioned and thanks given to him for all the work he did for the church, took us all unawares and of course, we had a weepy few minutes) H was ready to go ( like a horse at the starting line, straining at the bit) can't blame him, he isn't the chattiest of people and he doesn't know anyone but us. Mum finds the whole chatting deal more than she can cope with and so she asked quite quietly if she should take the keys to the car or if she had time to go to the bathroom and then head to the car.
I said to H " did you want to go talk to anyone?" Blank expression.
" H, did you want to go and talk to anyone?" completely blank expression.
slightly exasperated I asked again. Nothing, puzzled look on his face but no reaction to speak of.
I was lost as to why he should be being so dim! Hello??? Simple enough question....In a tone not used to my husband often, if at all, I said
" IS-THERE-ANYONE-YOU-WOULD-LIKE-TO- GO -AND- SPEAK-TO-OR- ARE- YOU GOING- TO- THE- CAR??"
"Oh, oh, no- I'm going to the car"

On the way home, mum said " I have to apologise to you H, it was my fault you and Helen had that misunderstanding at the end, I didn't want to hang around but didn't know if the car was locked"
She then went on to say she had never heard me talk to him that way and was horrified...he then told us that he had thought I was saying " you wanna go talk 21 ( twennyone) ??" He thought I was mad and was asking if he wanted to go to some kind of weird after church club when it was nearly dinner time!
Heavens above, we supposed to speak the same language, the amount of times we misunderstand each other is frightening, communication is SO important in a marriage don't you think??

I've held off writing about this experience because it is particularly personal to me and also could sound as if I am whacky! However, it Is my blog, this was my experience and it made me feel so much better that it is worth recording and keeping for my children to read later.
I wrote earlier that our family all seem to be keeping the worst sadness to ourselves, rather than risk upsetting the calm and collected composure of another we are all having our howling moments alone and trying to deal with them as they come and the best way we can.
About a week ago, I woke up at 1.30 and felt alll but crushed by how sad I was. I could hardly breathe because I just love my dad so and the realisation that he really ISN'T here for me to see, tease, ask, look at or take for granted anymore was just to huge to accept.
Now H is marvellous in his own way, he is a cleaning, cooking, ironing, shopping marvel, no household task is too menial or dull for him, probably because anything less than orderly and organised is painful for him, because I am not my normal have it all sorted, ready, dealt with person, he is in a spin- so if he takes over, it WILL help me, but it will also restore his routine, he will know that all is well. He doesn't do emotions. He is the tree from which my little asperger boys have fallen. He has given me a pat or two, he has said that as often as I need to go out is fine, he has taken over the reigns of the household with an iron grip ( I just hope I don't have to break his fingers when I feel ready to get back in the drivers seat) but he can't help with the pain of it all. I'm not saying he won't, he truly can't. So, if I cry I have to do it when he can't see or hear, if he sees or hears and then can't do what I need him to do, I find I hate him for a while and he can't help it, not fair on him or me.
So, I lay very still and very quietly and let my soul have it's release. It was physically and emotionally quite the most painful time. Suddenly, I felt the most extraordinary feeling, not a hug but my whole body, from head to toe was squeezed, comforting and safe, calming and reassuring, but never before have I felt anything like it. I know it WASN'T my dad. I didn't see anyone but I heard, " He is alright, I promise. But you will hold him back if he is worried about you." I knew he was near and could feel that he is is more than alright, he is a different person in that he is happy, truly, unreservedly and completely happy and smiling .
I am still sad, but just for us. I don't worry about him, I don't think about what he won't do anymore or things he can't see. I think he can see everything, he understands now what it is all about and probably, he feels a tiny bit sad that we can't see what he does. We all have work to do while we are here and his work was done.
The great thing is, I am beginning to see him as he was again. The sights and sounds of him in the hospital are fading thank goodness. When he pops into my mind, I remember the real him, the him I knew always. That's a great thing.

Worth having....

When thwarted in my attempt to sneak out and wander the town on my own for 20 minutes, ( having been at the park for 2 hours) I was understandably miffed. Isaac and Seth came too.
As we walked down the road, Isaac said " where we going?"
I replied " *Sigh* it hardly matters really, does it Isaac, if I were going to have needles shoved in my eyes you would want to come with me"
Quiet for 3 minutes and then.....
" Mummy, when you had your needles in your eyes, pleathe tan we thpend our pottit money?"
HA! Sometimes, it is SO worth having kids.

H said to me today....( because I simply cannot seem to make my head think about dreary things like shopping and dinner, making it that is, eating it doesn't seem to be too big a problem) " How about if I just do the grocery shopping and cook until you are ready" Hoorah!! I bet he spends less than me too, he says if he does he will take me out to dinner on the savings. Husbands are SO worth having sometimes.

Sophie is just being gorgeous lately, who knows what happened but she is nice. A lot. Often and to ME. Hooray, Teenagers are almost worth having sometimes.

The good, the bad and the hideously dressed.

Is it over yet??
Today I mean.
The kids are asleep, exhausted from their full day of activities. I am suffering from a mildish case of post traunatic ( see? can't even spell it right) traumatic stress syndrome. What could have happened that could cause such trauma on a thursday in April, even with the sun in the sky? I'll tell you what, NON UNIFORM DAY AT SCHOOL! Yeegads who would have thought that such a thing could be such a shocking way to start the day??
Now, I like to think that somewhere along the way I lost most of my control issues, learned that the be all and end all isn't a well matched child in spotless clothes but heavens to Betsy, there has to be SOME kind of line doesn't there?
Take 2 children with eccentricities, Aspergers syndrome and obsessions with clothes, wake them up and tell them that yippie, they get to wear whatever they like ( first mistake) to school today.
By the time we hit 8.10am I was ready to hit anything and anyone in my way.
One pair of jeans, aged 2-3 years, 2 boys aged 4 and 5 and both wanting, no NEEDING to wear the afore mentioned jeans. 35 minutes, Isaac conceded and Seth got the jeans ( ooooh that actually hurts mummy, they are SO short, shut mouth and accept that I DID say they could wear what they like) Hmmmmm what would look good with too short jeans? Couldn't matter less because what was worn with too short jeans was an equally small t-shirt , GREY socks and black school shoes. ( wishing daddy would drive and take them to school so I could say I was ill and had no idea they were out in public like that) Oh, but we haven't finished yet because there's the fleece, the blue one with the broken zip, aged 3, beloved by Isaac.....grabbed first by Seth who isn't known for his ability to feel the pain of others and was unmoved by the plight and howling of Isaac, for 20 very long minutes.....I left to get the car ready ( I can't tell you how hard it was to not point the thing in the direction of the motorway and keep going) and somehow daddy removed the fleece with the broken zip and Seth was wearing a hoody aged about 16 I think, HUGE hoody, too short jeans, grey socks and black school shoes.
At least the sun was out, beautiful day, Elijah was headed to gramma's and didn't care that it is thursday not wednesday because he DOESN'T THINK THE SKY WILL FALL DOWN IF WE CHANGE THE ROUTINE!! He was dressed in....who cares? HE DOESN'T CARE! He was wearing what I chose for him , first time, just like that....and I thought that it would be heavenly to go out in the sunshine with H, no kids...... except he had other ideas, miserable sod, and despite the fact that he cleaned the house , I managed very well to stay mad at him all day for being such a blasted stick in the mud. On my headstone ( except I think I will be cremated) will be " at least her house was clean" If I die first he will be there with a handy supply of wet wipes making sure there aren't any sticky marks on my headstone...either that or he'll be out making up for lost time in order to make my dear departed soul happy, raising a glass in some great country eatery saying to the sky that this one is for me. Let him try and I'll haunt him!!
I picked my shoddy looking offspring up from school and was bowled over to hear, wait for this, that because of the weather, P.E was outside today, football and basketball and my Isaac was SO excited he SPOKE TO THE TEACHERS!!! They were so excited that they let him choose one friend and stayed outside with him ALL AFTERNOON! Just to let him have the freedom to have fun and talk and be brave and by golly it worked, he dragged me over to Carol and looked right at her saying " we play bathtetllball all day lon did we Tarol? I ferry dood, I frow it and frow it and ..TAROL you thee me frow it????" there was SUCH Excitement, bless them all , they didn't actually say a word about the fact that he was SPEAKING they just all joined in about how exciting basketball was and nodded their heads until they must have felt giddy. Oh please let him keep talking and be able to get on well. I know he won't magically become 'better' but if he can just talk and not be afraid of such everyday things, if he can feel safe nough to show what makes him happy and say what worries him. He is asleep, football on his pillow ( yes it's very dirty but I think joy kills bugs, so that's OK)
Actually, I had lunch with the girls, me, Donna and Julia, we do lunch, once a week if we can swing it. Marvellous, pah! to grumpy husbands who don't want to go out and play, pppttttthhhhhhhh, we all had clothes on that matched too, a bonus in my life, no-one argued or cried about having the wrong plate...although I did make us swap tables twice , simply because I could.
Sometimes it's just a case of if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

What a day.....today was the day Isaac's teacher was to visit, much excitement was in our house, just last year she was Seth's teacher and a bit of a teacher's pet was he. The most favoured Dinosaurs and animals were set out on the shelf and a very big bendy snake was wrapped around the bottom of Seth's bed ( sure to terrify Mrs V, beloved teacher) I was sort of intruiged to see how this visit would go, following the unveiling of the devils spawn, in honour of Beverley the speech therapist's home visit...what stops would he pull out for one so mighty as a school teacher. Hard ( now I think of it) to imagine any kind of badness when Mrs V is around, she is the very epitome of lovely teacher, speaks to them exactly as I would hope for little people to be spoken to, firm and yet so touching with lots of " how marvellous" and " what rotten luck" not to mention " hooray you're back, I missed you -are you all well now?" But we all know my Isaac is a law unto himself and we always have to wait and see what his head will tell him.
His head told him that because Mrs V was at our house it was absolutely fine to talk to her as if she hears his sweet ( yet often too loud) voice every day. He looked right at her, he called her by name, he showed her his room, his football skills, his delicious laugh, he treated her to the fullness of his perfection.....we sat in the front courtyard in beautiful sunshine and he was divine. She was fabulous and managed not to allow her eyes to pop out of her head, here she was with this little boy who refuses to open his mouth for 6+ hours every day, who , when really, really desperate to communicate will mouth or whisper a minimum of words, hearing him shout, laugh, talk in long, clear sentences! I wonder what he will do tomorrow, will he forget that he has allowed her the priviledge of his at home voice? Will his head stop his mouth working? Time will tell, Mrs V says she is going to visit a few more times, hoping that he will become so sure of her that he will be brave and happy to talk freely ( she'll be sorry, you mark my words!!)
Mum has booked our accommodation for when we scatter dad's ashes. I'm more than a bit afraid of the whole thing if truth be told, I'm not a bit sure how I will feel when I clap eyes on whatever recepticle holds what is left of the physical body of my dad. The very thought has my heart thumping so hard I feel sick. I think I will just have to tell myself that this is the final thing we have to do for him, that after this we will just have to live our lives in a way that can make him proud...but this one thing has to be done before we can get on and do that.
The place has been decided and I think we all feel very happy with the decision. When we were younger, dad came across a farmhouse on the Moors in cornwall, somehow he contacted the owners ( it was delapitated and abandoned) and he was 'given' this house to use for the youth of the church, groups would stay there and work on the house, camp and experience the joys and hardships of such rugged countryside. He loved this place and I have no idea when it stopped or how long he was in charge of this project, I remember the trek to get to it......and my tale of the cross moors dash when wearing a parker with fur trimmed hood during a fox hunt was on one trek to the farmhouse! So his ashes will be scattered right there, on Bodmin moor, the weekend of mum's birthday in May. ( please let it be warm and sunny, the winds on those morrs are wicked at the best of times!!) We will all have a 4 day stay in a pretty Cornish town that mum, dad and Leah have stayed many a happy time......very good.

Mind the gap......

What a beautiful day! There is something about the smell of spring and some sunshine that makes life seem much easier to deal with isn't there? Blue skies and a brisk breeze and I do barmy things like clean my car....CLEAN MY CAR!! Yikes, vacuumed and sprayed and rubbish turfed out, then I cleaned the courtyard and swept and there was nearly a whistle around but a cat had ripped a bag open and ewwwww I had to breathe through my teeth and try not to breathe in much, so whistling was out of the question.
I won a beautiful leather sofa on ebay ....whoohoo! Deep red leather all soft and smelling glorious, wipeable and squashy and a 10th of what the previous owners paid just 4 months ago. I LOVE E.BAY!! When the rest of my lounge is looking as though it deserves to have such a splendid piece of furniture in it, I shall take pictures, maybe even let a child or two sit very still and politely on it, we'll see. Or, I might just do it right now.....



I almost found the house to pick it up from first go too, almost- but not quite, more like a pleasant scenic route than getting hideously lost, when the sun shines and you live where I live, taking longer to get somewhere is almost a treat, when the little kids are at home with one of the big kids and my husband comes with me it is most definately a treat. We have got to get out more!
I am feeling something akin to panic about my dad, it is a horrible feeling that life is just going on, it's passing so fast and the weeks are already flying and I hate to think that before I am ready I will have to just put him somewhere that isn't right in the front of my mind, or the middle of my heart. I am so angry that normality is right in my face and laundry still needs doing and people still need feeding. I feel that I just want to yell that " EXCUSE ME BUT MY DAD ISN'T HERE " and tell everything to just stop and wait.


I look at the picture I took of me holding his hand and am so relieved that is so clear, I can see every vein and line..... but I won't see it for real anymore. Not in this life anyway and the human part of me, the feeling sad about what I am missing takes over and it is so sad. How are we supposed to deal with that and then clean pee of a toilet seat? Listen to endless whining about who had the blue cup last? Care about whether Sophie is friends with Rachel today or not?
Why is it, when dad was alive, I never once saw anyone that looked like him? Never mistook a greying older man with an old man's jumper on for my dad? I never took a second look at a man at a petrol pump before, now he is everywhere, in front of me in the street, parked outside the school. It's such a cruel trick of the mind. As if this whole thing weren't cruel enough.
There isn't a sofa grand enough in the world to even begin to fill this hole. I know that one day it will all seem less raw, I just hope that although the gap he's left will never be filled, perhaps I can manage to learn to live around it and in the meantime, not fall in and hurt myself too often.

Cross eyed and worn out.

That almost sounds like a description of a much loved teddy bear, it's not though, it's me.
My doctor set up ( in record time I might add) an appointment for councilling. With my record of keeping in the sad stuff and getting on with the every day stuff, she thought that the chance to let the misery out, while it's still new and still sad ( rather than stuffed down and festering) might be a good thing.
I knew I was on to a good thing when I walked into the rather lovely annexe that has peaceful, tastefully decorated rooms with comfy chairs and cushions galore. Thick brocade curtains and pictures of gentle and quiet places. I'd have felt better if she'd have just said " take an hour my dear, sit and listen to the absolute silence in here" and walked out. She didn't walk out however, she sat there and I can hardly remember what she said but whatever it was it must have been the right thing, beforeI knew it, the thoughts that I hadn't been completely aware of came tumbling out , along with the snot and the hiccupping bulurbles.
I'm all for a bit of self indulgent howling in front of a stranger , nothing quite like dumping all those deep and dark secrets onto someone who won't feel the weight of responsibility to make it alright. Not a glimmer of the 'rabbit in the headlights' expression seen so often on the face of my dear husband at the very thought or mention of emotion. No guilt unburdening, marvellous, everyone should try it. However, is there anything quite so exhausting? Honestly although it makes your heart feel lighter it definately makes your eyeballs feel as if they are turned inside out. Although my appointment was 13 hours ago I still feel as if I have been through the mill and back . And this is good for me?!?!?
Mum saw her doctor today too, first time since before dad was ill, she said she cried more than she has since he died too, hooray, better out than in we're told. In that rather marvellous, stiff upper lip British way, our whole family seem to be doing this ' I'm fine' thing, no-one letting anyone else see us cry in case it upsets anyone who is managing to hold it together. I imagine that at some stage there will be an impressive let rip of female emotion .....poor H, I do hope he's somewhere else when it happens!!
The boys must have been busy bees at school today because marvel of marvels, after dinner and a bath they all fell asleep incredibly early, every one of them in bed and out like a light by 7.15. Isaac was punishing me for something, I'm not sure what.....he was beyond tired and very cross and so, to make me sorry, he took himself upstairs and fell asleep outside the bathroom, on the floor, with yellow blantit. Seth fell asleep sitting like a pixie in H's chair, upright with legs bent up and head resting on his hand. Elijah snuggled me and asked for bed.......thankyou sleep fairies, sandman, angels......you did your job well tonight!! If there's any of that magic left can I have some too? Please? that nasty insomniac twitchy leg demon has been back, I don't like him, I like the sleepy, ooooooh nice bed, gentle fan, read 1/2 page of gentle book and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ......that one.
So, I am off to rest my worn out mind, my boggling eyeballs and buzzing ears , bliss.

Look what I found.

I found these when I was printing out my blog so far.....

Monday, June 20, 2005

( * I highlighted this part because goodness me, how could I ever have known that this was to be his last fathers day with us?)

A good father.

Fathers' day. *I wonder why I haven't given to much thought to whether it ought to be a great day before. I somehow have always felt that fathers' day exists purely because there is a mothers' day..not because we ought to think particularly about Fathers but today I find I am thinking.*
I have a really, really GOOD father, he is a good man and he is a great father. I am told that he and mum consciously decided that for them, family and children would be their treasure and they would forego financial and material wealth in order to obtain eternal and lasting wealth in a family.
My dad is incredibly clever, he knows Math, he doesn't know how to teach it because for him it just IS. He looks at any math problem and knows what the answer is, he and his dad used to ( for fun) list rows and rows and figures in £'s shillings and pence and then race to see who would win in adding them up. No carrying numbers over in columns and then converting the pence into shillings and then into pounds for these 2, just whizzing down the page doing it in their heads. ( oooh fun!)
He can fix stuff and make stuff and would ( given the chance) organise all of our finances so that we never had a moments worry ( or fun perhaps, but that all comes with being so clever I have noticed)
He is probably the most loyal and loving man I have known and we 5 children grew up without even knowing that men could be philanderers or abusers, we hadn't a clue that some men went to pubs or gambled.( I wonder if it wasn't coincidence that all 3 of his girls married men so unlike him and were all stunned and sad to discover the hard way that not all men are good ones? Lesson learned, all 3 of us are now married to men very like him in many ways! ) Dad's were workers and they came home for dinner and were there. Whenever he was needed, he was there.
I went away with my dad when I was 7, I wore green slacks and a handknitted jumper and wore slightly worn pumps. We had a veritable treat store of mint yo-yo biscuits and bananas and I slept in the cab of the truck while he drove it from Newton abbot to Wales to deliver someone's furniture. It never occurred to me that a bank assistant manager wouldn't normally be delivering furniture, he was doing it to earn money for his treasure I suppose.
There was enormous jealously on the part of my siblings that I was to go on this adventure but to my dad I was the only one who could accompany him. As I grew up he used to do audits for the church, travel around our part of the country tallying up funds etc every sunday morning and he would leave at the crack of dawn. I so adored my daddy that the thought of him doing this on his own every week was intolerable, I was a worrier when I was little too and I somehow imagined that he would come to some kind of horrible accident and he would be all on his own, so every week I crawled out of my bed and went with him. I wonder if the other kids knew that on saturday dad would buy and hide sweets ( blackcurrant liquorice mmmmmm) in the glove box and he and I would eat them and we never shared them with anyone who preferred staying in bed to travelling with us. So, it was, of course, going to be me who went on the big adventure to Wales and to this day, 38 years later I can still recall the smallest of details on that trip and can feel that feeling of both exilleration and absolute love with my dad.
My dad isn't a demonstrative man and hugging, I think, is painful to him, partly, I imagine, due to being raised in a home where it was thought nonsense and perhaps boarding school didn't help. He doesn't talk about his childhood at all, I can't think much about anything much he has told us, his mum was older when she married her beloved Wilfred and she had her first son Barry, followed by my dad and I have no idea how or why my dad is as great as he is but hooray for the unexplained in this case.
It is said that the greatest thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. How true this is......no memories of grand presents at christmas or designer clothes as we grew up could ever have come close to the memories of my dad writing " I love Peg" on the steamed up kitchen window and the friday night ritual of him bringing home a fish and chip supper on friday nights while other men were at the pub.
You can't beat a good Father...and mine is a gloriously grumpy, blissfully brusk, hug enduring man of such integrity that it would be hard to find a better one. Happy fathers day dad. I love you and I know you love me. Helen.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Three score years and ten.

My dad is, has.
He is 70 years old today. It's a bit of a shock that my dad is 70...he still works part time for a garage that repairs body work on cars ..he drives the courtsey car to the customers and picks up their bashed in car. He still runs around after people who need him and is endlessly engaged in good works.
He still thinks he has to look after all of his children even though almost all of us now have grey hair....you would imagine that if your kid has grey hair you'd be safe in assuming that even if they aren't capable of getting things right they are more than old enough to live with the screw ups wouldn't you?
He is sort of impressed with my e.baying habits but is still a bit convinced that somehow it's all a bit dodgy and somewhere amongst the glorious fun and bargainess of on-line auctions there must be a catch or 12 ...so he settles for being impressed with my dealings and very, very occassionally when a thing is just too good to miss ( like the miraculous leg cream that will banish all cramps) he will call me and I'll bid for him.
He will do anything for his children, he perhaps won't be cheerful while he is doing it and he may even grumble after he has done it, but he'll do it because he loves us.
He loves my mum and we all know it, but he finds it incredibly hard to believe she knows what she is talking about. He knows when she is tired so much better than she does and has been known to stand up, turn off all the lights and tell her she needs to go to bed.
Funny how he knows when she is tired, even when she thinks she isn't, knows when she needs a doctor, ( or miraculous leg cramp cream) even if she thinks she doesn't, yet hasn't, after 47 ( or is it 48?) years of marriage learned that she is a bit feisty and gets really fed up when he tells her how she feels......
I think that part of why I married H is because he is so like my dad. If you can learn to accept and then live with, the fact that romance just isn't part of the deal, sweet and tender murmerings are only going to happen if you watch the Hallmark channel and turn the volume up at the slushy bits, accept that those off the cuff comments are more likely to make you want to choke him than make you choked with emotion ( such as saying "has someone been stripping paint? Why can I smell paint stripper?" when actually everyone else could smell delicious beef stew!! or " who's had the fly spray out?" after mum had just put on perfume) know that you can walk around in a bin bag and he won't notice ( or care)... then men like these are the ones to marry because they are so loyal and love their families with every ounce of their being ( they just have no idea how to say it!!) You can be sure they will be with you through thick and thin and everything they do will be because they think it is best for you. ( note I don't say because it is best for you, only that they think it is best for you!)
He tells us when our car needs taxing, our cars have round tax discs stuck in the front windshield as visible evidence that we have paid our dues... while I was taking the boys into school one day he noticed that my tax disc was a year out of date ( actually, in my idleness I had just put the new on in front of the old one. One of the boys had just switched them around when I wasn't looking!) When I went back to collect the car, his brother was outside, pointed the disc out and I switched them over and left..you have to drive around the block to get back to my road and when I turned the corner..there he was, in the MIDDLE of the road, gesticulating wildly..of course I knew what he wanted and rolled down the window, scarecely slowing down I yelled out the window " It's OK one of the buggers swapped it!" and drove by. I still snigger when I try to imagine what that must have looked like ( some mad old fart with road rage yelling and waving at a seemingly impatient woman intent on hit and run)
Anyway dad, happy birthday.
Three score years and ten...not sure what it means when you hit that landmark, is this counted as bonus time from here on in?
Thankyou for the ability you have to cheer me up....every time I get down thinking about my grey hair I think of you and tell myself that it could be worse because at least I don't have CHILDREN with grey hair!