One step at a time.

This whole losing weight business is so much more than just losing weight. I never quite believe people when they say that they aren't really bothered so much about getting thinner, rather being healthy is more important. I have yet to meet anyone that really means that. I will admit that I want, desperately to look different, I want to quickly notice that the weight is coming off, I need to see and feel the benefits.
I long for the day when it is noticeable, when people start to say that they can see I am thinner, looking better etc, it is I have no shame in saying the number one reason for doing this ( again)
However, there are so many other benefits to losing weight, especially as I get older, things that I would never have thought of had I not been here, been this overweight ( and I am ashamed to say that I am in the morbidly obese category, and not just borderline, I am in with both feet and a huge backside)
I can't sleep without my arms or shoulders going dead, pins and needles, numb arms....that's how heavy I am. The snoring is bad, I wake myself up with snorting and breath holding. Every day things are so much more inconvenient, getting in and out of the car, bending down to pick anything up, my joints are fine and could easily bend but darn it if I don't go to pick something off the floor and that belly stops me in my tracks....who'd have imagined that?
Being a grandma is splendid, more than I ever imagined, what I didn't reckon on was how little lap I have to snuggle Joshua on, I hold him and he slithers off because there just isn't enough room on my lap with this enormous gut of mine already taking up all the space, when he was tiny it was fine because he would snuggle on his tummy, up high on my chest and he was comfy, I was in heaven. Now he is a wriggling little squirmy boy, well it doesn't work so well, he doesn't want to be up over my shoulder he wants to be sitting or standing, he wants to sit on my lap facing out and watch the shenanigans of his uncles. I need to free up some lap space.
I am pleasantly surprised by the fact that I don't have chaffing and sweaty rashes, which I used to have more when I was younger and thinner.
I really hate the chins, I mind that and the fat hands the most, tight shoes and tight sleeves are the surest way to make me grumpy.
My blood pressure is higher than ever and that is my doing, it is purely because I am so heavy and unfit, it is in my power to change that and I certainly aim to do just that.
I am hoping that the thinning hair is to do with poor diet and that as I eat well, that will reverse. I know ageing does cause thinner hair but I am 46, I am not yet old!
I want more energy, I already feel more energetic and I am sure that will increase.
I have given myself a year to make a noticeable difference. It is so hard, when you have such a huge task ahead to feel positive, it seems such an insurmountable climb that it is easy to just not try. It is disheartening to know that in all probability no weight loss will show until I have shed about 40lbs or so, to begin with it will be only me who notices the difference, clothes will be more comfortable ( all my clothes are stretchy so they fit whether I lose or gain, they just get more comfortable!) I will stop aching, my bars won't dig in, maybe I won't need the extenders ( love those things, no matter how much weight I gain these boobs stay a B cup, my back gets fatter and finding bras in a B cup on a bigger size is next to impossible so I buy the size I can find and use strap extenders ( funny how I share all this online to who knows how many people but never mention it in real life, the only way my family know all the personal details is if they read my blog!)
I adore jewellery, bangles and rings are my most favourite thing, given the chance I would wear jangly trinkets in gold, both yellow and white, I would wear pretty shiny things and feel splendid. Fat fingers and pudgy arms put a stop to that, so I am telling myself that as soon as it is possible I am going to indulge my love of all things sparkly. I have never been a clothes horse, I don't find any joy in getting dressed up, simple does it but if I had my way I would have gold on my fingers though not on my toes.
So, much to work towards and look forward to. I am so glad I have the Xenical to keep me on the straight and narrow, I can't see that changing any time soon, I will embrace my fear of incontinence and carry on with the plan.
Such a good feeling to want this, to feel enthusiasm for doing what needs to be done. I do have a really long road ahead of me but step by step I can do it, little by little it will be done. I am planning on making a big deal of the small things. I have to stop looking at what has to be achieved in the end and just concentrate on one thing at a time. I do allow myself a little glimpse into the 'what if's' and imagine how great it would be in a years time if I can be at my goal ( which isn't an unobtainable skinniness with youthful glow.....more an ability to buy clothes in any store I choose and feel less like a blimp.)
I am enjoying making all the great meals again, that in itself is lifting some misery because I was so bored with the same old throw it together and stuff it down routine.
All in all, it is a good time right now, I am aiming to keep it going in that direction. Very good indeed.

Miracles in our midst.

Elijah has been simply revolting the past few weeks, whether it's because he feels left behind with Seth and Isaac being buddies and liking the same things, it could be that he is cross at being endless told he is a baby and can't play because he gets it wrong, perhaps he is bored, definitely he is naughty.
He has been incredibly destructive, deliberately ripping, breaking, snapping, throwing, destroying everything from toys to curtains, pictures and books. He has taken photos out of frames, broken the frames, ruined the pictures, hung from curtains until the whole rail comes down and in his room, he has actually snapped every little piece that holds the rail to the wall.
He has yelled, kicked, spat, sworn, slammed doors, thrown spectacular tantrums.
He has kicked, punched, punched, slapped and pinched his brothers at every opportunity.
Yesterday was probably the worst day, in fact for the first time in his 5 years, he got a good smack on his bum, 2 even, hard ones, which actually shocked him to the core and insulted his sense of justice the way a time out never could, ( incidentally he did sit in the stairs for 5 minutes after his bum smacks)
The day was long and wearing for all of us.
By bedtime ( which was early because I discovered that he has pulled the curtains in his room down and snapped the supports) I sent him to a Ben 10 wee ( not a Ben 7, a Ben TEN thankyou!) he came back and said
"Oh, it's OK now, I did a wee and I heard Jesus"
"Wow, thank goodness, what did he say? Did he say please be a nice boy because your mummy could go off you really quickly when you are horrible?"
"no, I did a wee and I heard him, he just said ' Try to be a good boy' he just only said that"
"Wow, that's great, you should probably do as He said, in fact you should probably do more than try and actually just BE good"
"OK, I will. Night night"
"Night night, listen to Jesus!"

So far so good, he's been awake and hour and nothing's broken yet......even his spirit is in tact after getting 2 good smacks on his bum ( am so soft compared to when I was raising the big ones, hopelessly suckered into mamby pamby disciplining, not sure it is kind in the long run though)
School starts on wednesday, that 6 weeks flew by, I am not a bit ready in the practical sense for them returning to school, no new clothes hanging in the cupboard, new shiny new shoes sitting by the bed, I am dreading the clothes shopping because I have to take Seth and Isaac with me because they have grown SO much I have no clue what sizes they need.
I am very, VERY ready to send them back in every other way, Seth and Isaac have done really well considering how miserable the weather has been, they have kept busy and happy, Elijah needs to be back at school, playing with people his own age, not mini brainiacs who view his regular 5 year old self as a nuisance. 3 more days to fill. Hoorah!

Could get confusing!

Writing 2 blogs, that is. If I ever write about what I ate on here you may have to pop on over to
THIS ONE and see what I did all day, I am pretty sure that I will mix them up at some stage.

It's been a great day, my favourite kind, kids doing what they are asked, H took them on a hike while I went out shopping with my lovely friend Jane. Got a great deal on diet cokes, which helps, diet coke and an apple feels like a dessert, lovely.
I am really loving my new relationship with the girlie one.
She was paid today for the first time, a small pay cheque because she was only paid for 2 weeks, she paid me, paid some money off her overdraft, paid H back the money she has borrowed and had some to fritter. She has been working SO many hours, when she is paid next month, she will be laughing, she will have more than enough to do whatever she pleases and pay her bills etc. She is a good girl, always pays back what she owes without a quibble, doesn't complain a bit about paying her board to live here, she knows that if she lived anywhere else, she would get a tiny room for minimum of £80 a week and then have utilities, council tax etc to pay, not to mention food. Here she gets her laundry done, dinner cooked, her favourite foods waiting for her and she feels safe.
I loved shopping today and buying her some things for her room, smelly things, clothes, face wipes. For so long ( way too long) I have had to say no to everything, not do anything that would seem to be rewarding her for the way she behaved, having to think everything through, be 5 steps ahead. I love being able to just 'be' with her, to laugh with her, tell her to shut up and be laughing about it ( she can talk the hind legs off a donkey) watch her play with the boys.
When she comes in with pack of bacon and asks if she can have it for breakfast I can say yes, ( not have to say no and explain that bacon can be used for a meal for everyone and if she wants some she has to somehow contribute to the family....oh how tiring it can be to have to use every single thing as a lesson)
To hand her a few £s to go out because she has been working all week, to tell her to have a good time and know that she will be home when she says she will be.
I am still afraid for her, still lie awake and hold my breath waiting to hear her come in, still shake with fear when she tells me things like she did this morning... she walked home from a friends house at 3am ( yes still the am thing although every 2 weeks instead of every night) and stopped to stroke a dog being walked by an older man ( DING DING DING go the alarm bells) walked on and then saw the man fall to the ground..." was this the right thing to do mum? I went back and asked if he was alright ( DING DING DIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!) and he didn't move so I ran back to my friends house but they wouldn't come and help me so I went" and I stopped listening and started to "OH SOPHIE!!!! Darlin' what you should have done is ..A)not stay out til 3am, stayed at Alis or come home much earlier, B) not ever stop to stroke a dog, being walked by a man at 3am and when you see him fall you RUN AND USE YOUR MOBILE PHONE TO CALL THE POLICE AND LET THEM DEAL WITH IT! That is a prize trick used by perverts and wrong 'uns to snatch girls and children, make out you need help and then GRAB!
She will be the death of me , if it weren't for those angels who follow her...oh I can't even go there.
She has a 'thing' going on with someone at work which is both touching to witness and scary because he is the manager and if it goes on and then stops, what then? She will hate going to work, he may treat her differently....not a good idea but you can't interfere in affairs of the heart as far as 19 year olds are concerned. In the grand scheme of things it is a gloriously normal 19 year old thing to have to worry about, I'll take it and enjoy it for what it is.
Oh..Heh! She was telling me this morning that they had been texting each other and he had said something about 'wooing' her, she laughed and said how she told him that was an old fashioned word and she teased him about it.
I said that if that carries on he will be after courting her.
Fast forward to this evening when she got home.
"hey mum, guess what I was talking to **** about what you said and I told him that you said I should ask him if that meant we would soon be cavorting!"
OMG!
Luckily he led her on for a while and then said " I like the thought of cavorting, good suggestion from your mum...another old fogey word is courting."
"Ha!! THAT's the word my mum used..what did I say before?"
One of the things I love about her is her ability to laugh at herself.
She's out again this evening, Itold her again and again to come right home, we live right by the town I hate that she walks right out fo town, through subways to go to people's homes when she could go out and come straight home.
This mothering malarchy is exhausting, but I suspect I wouldn't change a thing.
I had a moment today when I thought that maybe I should watch what I say more in front of the boys though. Went over the road to my friends car, Seth following, we stood right outside the hellacious neighbours' house and Seth, raising his hand in greeting said " Well HELLO CLAMPETTS!"
Bullseye son, well done.

It's like magic!

So, yesterday I went to see my Dr and filled her in on the latest in the saga that is my life. WE chatted and she said that she had noticed that she hadn't seen me since April and wondering whether that was a very good thing or a really really bad thing.
"Bit of both", said I. Things have been great which meant I fell apart for a while, stayed behind closed doors to enjoy my madness in perfect solitude, got over it and here I was, ready to take on the world and take off some fat.
Never once, ever, has a doctor ever told me I should lose weight, which I find remarkable, I think they have been more concerned with my mental state than the physical maybe. Anyway I told Dr lovely lady that I was ready to do something about it. I have to say that I am not a bit excited or enthusiastic about it, I am not at all YEAY! Watch ME...this is it world I am going to conquer and win!
I am much more...oh, dear, would you look at that chin and neck and belly and arms, I have what is delightful and touching on a baby, the afterthought wrists. Those ' oh look, God forgot the hands and screwed then on afterwards' kind of wrists. Not good on a 46 year old.
I am much more huffing and puffing and grumbling about how bloody long this is going to take before anything is even noticeable.
The good thing is, I have some help and it is such a help I tell you what.
I got a prescription for Xenical. I had it before and it really worked, when I took it. The trouble is, I stopped taking it because I was all marvellous and in the swing, I knew how to eat well now and didn't need it, which was true to an extent.
Let me tell you, when you are as private and I am, when you are so loathe to let anyone see that despite anything I might try to pretend, I do actually have to use the lavatory, the very idea that if you eat any fat you could quite possibly poo yourself in the supermarket without warning...well I tell you this, that is 100% guaranteed to make you walk past the chocolate, crisps, cookies and head for the red grapes.
The possibility that you might fart and shame yourself in public will really REALLY make you shudder at the sight of real butter.
I looked at the box this morning and I sighed, took out a blue capsule and swallowed it. MAGIC....I went shopping and my fridge is filled with colourful, none incontinent making goodies. I ran past the chips and dip shelves, I sneered at the chocolate covered peanuts and I hugged my bag of grapes because they are delicious and juicy and will not make me soil myself.
I am going to take these every day, like it or not. I am going to the Drs every 2 weeks to get weighed and have my blood pressure taken. I am on the brink of having to have my blood pressure meds increased and I am not about to let that happen. I Am 46 not 76, my high blood pressure is my own doing, my poor body is lugging around an extra 96lbs or so. My knees are complaining, I wheeze when I walk up a hill as my little boys run up it without a second thought.
Even when ( and it will happen) I am in the habit of eating well and it doesn't seem like some terrible form of torture anymore, I will keep taking these tablets because I cannot trust myself to stick with it. I will start to tell myself that 'just one' ice cream because we are out and it is hot, won't hurt.
I will dip into the crisps as Eli snacks, I will tell myself that fish and chips on friday is the law and anyway I have been great all week, haven't I?
If I keep taking those tablets I will remain as afraid of the consequences as I am today, it will never ever be a risk worth taking to eat fatty foods. Never. Perish the thought. Ewwwwwww.
I am hoping that as the days go by the enthusiasm will come, that I will wake up and feel excited about all the great things I can eat and feed my family, feel marvellous and healthy, happy to be living so well. I have felt that before and I kept my diet blog, I loved charting the delicious recipes, taking pictures, adapting foods to my own taste, I really got the biggest thrill from the weight loss widget thing I had.
I want to lose weight, it is a result I am loooking for, as well as just feeling better again. Not getting stuck when I am on the floor and having to crawl to a chair to hoist my fat arse up off the carpet. Many reasons for starting again.
I am going to start the diet blog again, because it helps me, it gives me a focus and I am glad I never deleted it because it has some great dinner ideas on there.
I am remembering just how delicious a warm pitta with wafer thin ham can be.
I am even ( oh help me) going to try and walk this mammoth hill we live on once a day, without stopping for breath....my poor body won't know what is happening to it for a while and I suspect my head is going to give me a hard time. Tough luck head, body is falling apart, try not to think about all that stuff you have been stuffed with and hanging onto for so long...try letting the new ideas in and welcoming them. Give it a go.

The last one is for the first one.

Birthdays that is. Today is Dan's 23rd Birthday. Luckily, he hates birthdays, has done since he was 10, every year we would ask him what he wanted to do and he would say " stay home and be bored" and he meant it. He doesn't tell anyone when his birthday is ( so I just wrote on his Face Book page! ) he ever wants anything and would rather we don't even mention it.

I say luckily because dear life, are we sick of birthdays in this house? Happy Bir...yeah, yadda yadda, same old same old. Sophie's OK because her birthday is in march but the rest if us, from July 24th -August 25th, all of us crammed in there, one after the other.

Dan was planning on coming down again today but then went to play golf ( I am so ashamed that a child of mine would do such a thing, I certainly didn't raise him that way) half the day was gone and I suspect a night out with his friends seemed a tad more exciting to him.

We ate his birthday dinner and dessert for him though, Gammon steaks, roast potatoes, green beans and parsley sauce with a choice of Lemon meringue, chocolate cheesecake or strawberry cheesecake..or some of each. Eli ( of course) chose chocolate and Lemon meringue. HE does this thing where he chooses, eats it all but a mere mouthful and then says " Atcherly, I hate dat, I didn't like it at all, I changed my mind, I want THAT one instead" It is so predictable and cute that he gets away with it every time.

Anyway. Daniel, it's his day, time to say stuff about him that I may not have said already.

He was the most delicious baby, I was completely in love with him from the first minute I saw his tiny face.

Seth is like Dan, pixie face and not a scrap of fat on him.

Dan was smoochy and funny, sweet and kind from the very beginning. White blond hair and gappy teeth. He appointed himself as my keeper and looked out for me until he was sure H was doing a good job.

It always amazes me that I have 6 children and feel differently for all of them. Each one of them is different and yet similarities show up often. Dan and Seth, Jordan and Isaac and Eli and himself. Seth and Sophie have many similarities too (but we try to ignore those!)

It's a strange thing to be a mother of a grown man. I don't believe it usually, I'm not sure how or when that happened. I just know that I am incredibly proud to be the mother of THIS grown man.

Happy Birthday Dan, whether you like it or not, Mum x

The apples and the tree.

I don't know, I try to take pictures of the boys and just get silly faces and cross eyes....try to get pictures of H sans whiskers....







Same thing. Still love them though, smooth cheeks again, heaven.

Happy Birthday Seth Meister!

8 Today, well actually he was thinking and this is how it is...he was born just after 4.30pm in Hemet, California. This means that he was born just after midnight in english time. So, according to Seth his American birthday is today and tomorrow is his birthday too because he is on English time. He's not a dummy this kid.
My laptop power lead has died. No biggie, its covered on the insurance, the bummer is it is going to take another week for the new one to arrive. I am on H's laptop which is great because at least I am here but it isn't mine, it's all foreign, nothing saved on favourites, I have to sign into everything and no-one recognises me, can't leave comments on blogs because I am too lazy to keep filling in who I am.
Have to sign into Facebook every single time.
H hates Big Brother and I love it.....I am a member of the forums, read catch ups, watch video clips online etc and if I do any of that on h's laptop I feel very naughty, I can hear his laptop thinking " ewwwww, what IS this? I am not used to such common and noneducational nonsense...where are the pod casts? where the highbrow discussions and oh, we are used to instructional and uplifting websites......what have I done to deserve this lowly and base rubbish?"
Anyway, so blog updates may be thin on the ground and shall be picture-less because I can't download any pictures or do anything.
I just wanted to post because it is the Meister's birthday. One of the big ones, he is 8 and that means that he will soon be baptised.
Age has never been much use to Seth, he has never done anything on time, never done a single thing when he should have, he came out like a little midget type person and has made us all gasp
from the very beginning.
At 8 weeks he was in his car seat, with the hood up to keep the sun off him and he lifted his arm and swatted the hood back so he could see....we laughed and said what a hysterical and timely arm twitch that was, put the hood back up and blow me if he didn't push it down again, we sat and stared and felt more than a little spooked and we did it again and again and watched that teeny little person repeatedly push it back down so he could see what was going on!
He has always been small for his age, he weighs 42lbs now, on a good day when he has eaten plenty. At 7 months he was probably about 14lbs, sitting up and taking note and also saying a few words. We were out shopping one day and a lady stopped to swoon over him a bit, she bent down and said "Oh HI! How cute are you?" and he raised his hand, waved and said "Hi!" right back. Her face was a picture and she asked us if she had actually just heard him say Hi to her....she said Hi to him once more and he said it right back and she just laughed and laughed and called her husband to hear him say it again.
At 2 he could name every dinosaur and tell you whether it was a meat or plant eater.
At 3 he was an animal lover and dogs were his most favourite animal.
He has long enjoyed facts and his book of choice will always be a factual one, encyclopedias, history books are his favourites and of course sports books, basketball is his main love and he is beginning to look into baseball.
He has the quickest and most hilarious sense of humour, I love the way his mind works and rarely a day passes without him making me bellow a good old belly laugh.
He also brings out the worst in me, he is the most argumentative and obstreperous little git and once he has his mind set, you may as well leave him to it because he doesn't let it go. I know I should remain calm and be the adult but in reality it is almost impossible to do, he drives me to screaming pitch until I remember who is the grown up and catch myself.
He is not the most compassionate of soul either, much like his daddy, he doesn't grasp emotions too easily. It's a tough thing to teach if the basic feeling is missing. It's on a par with explaining the taste of salt.... ever tried doing that?
He is though, fabulously snuggly, he adores being cuddled, he pretends to mind being kissed and he can't settle at night unless he has been stroked at night.
He has had a really lovely day, I am so glad because he is hard to please sometimes and often whatever we do, he finds what is missing, today though was a wonderful day for him. A pile of new history books, money 2 trips to the park in blazing sunshine and also money...hard cash always brings a smile to his face even though he does not care about spending it, he is very wise with his money and is not easily parted from it. He likes to have it, put it in his wallet and just look at it every now and then. He will ponder on what he should spend it and then will look for the perfect one. He has already decided that a wooden baseball bat and he will not buy the first one he sees, oh no. He is his father's son.
He is like H in every way but one, he shows he is from my loins when it comes to walking. He hates walking, he will play hours of basketball, he will run races, he will play any ball game, he loves swimming..he just hates walking there. Isaac has always been his gopher, Seth speaks, Isaac does. They are a great team, they play well together, they compliment each other and they fight in the most impressive way.
Dan would walk for hours with Seth when he was tiny and often said " How did we ever think we were happy before he was born?"
Quite.
My life began again when Seth was born. He fulfilled the wished I had for all those years I was a single parent, with his birth I began to feel again as though I was doing what I came here to do. He was such a delightful baby, a funny and delicious little thing. I love his pixie face, his green eyes, his curly hair with the biggest cowlick, his wiry frame and huge feet.
I'm happy you're here Sethters, every day with you is a challenge I am thrilled to face.
I love you, mum x

Love thy neighbour ( but you can hate mine...I do!)

Big Tvs and Big brother.....am finding 10 minutes to blog about um..what to blog about?
Oh how about neighbours. I know Heavenly Father says Love thy neighbour as thyself but I don't think he met my neighbours, I am pretty sure He understands why I loathe my neighbours. They bring out the superior in me. They highlight the snob that I try to keep hidden. They make me stick my nose in the air and adopt my most affected Hyacinth Bucket voice and say things like " for heavens sake, where ARE the parents?"
None of us have the slightest idea how many people live in that house ( and actually I suspect no-one has a clue how many people live in ours either)
There are many children, the youngest is about 10 and is called MathYOU!
I think the older one is called little Fucker, as he is only ever called that "Hey! Come back here you little fucker!"
There is a teenage girl that is sometimes there and sometimes outside our front room window on her cell phone not saying anything very loudly, she goes away for weeks on end and just as we think she may have been a nightmarish figment of our weary imagination, there she is again with her phone and her voice.
Every friday night / saturday morning, the father and a woman who we can't decide lives there or not, come home from their night out and then she leaves, very loudly saying she is never coming back and he says that she can make that choice but he loves her and she says no he doesn't and then he says.....do you really care what he says because she doesn't. I don't either, I just wish he would say it INSIDE, not on the doorstep ay 1am.
Sometimes, they either get so drunk ( or stoned) that they go into a coma or they stay out all night and leave the kids. Those kids turn into hellions from Hell. They stay awake all night and they run in and out, in and out they slam their front door, the scream up and down the road.
4 nights ago, one of them locked them out. Then we were treated to many a chorus of " you stupid BUGGER!" and laughing and then banging on the door and more swearing and a few squeals.
The night before last, they were doing it again....4am, running in and out, slamming the door and then, a new game, the 'lets see who can scream the loudest' game. The winner was the one who got the most curtain twitches. This went on until 6.30am. I had gone to bed at 2am. woken at 4am...by 6.30 I could see my heart thumping through my PJs. my ears were pounding along with the high blood pressured beating of my furious heart.
Then I heard one of my other neighbours say " are your parents in?" and I knew that I wasn't alone, it wasn't just me and the people in the house next door to these hideous ne'er do wells, have just moved in, they have a baby and a toddlery person, they pay a lot of rent for that house because it is newly renovated, has 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 kitchens and I wanted to live there...the rent was too high and I knew who lived next door so I talked myself out of it very quickly, if I am paying that much rent I want a garden and no neighbours with common habits thankyouverymuch.
So when I heard another neighbour ask if the parents were in and then heard those little gobshites laughing and slamming their door again, I lost all restraint.
I have oft thought that should my house be on fire, I may die because I would probably insist on getting dressed before escaping, I half want to be able to go out in my slobby clothes, would love to feel comfy having people other than H see me in my Jama's but it just isn't going to happen. It's not me, I must be clothed and bra'd and modest at all times.
Not this time. I stormed out of my house, across the road and I hammered on that door, without stopping until they opened the door. Bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang.
"Hello"
"Are your parents here?"
"no, it's not my house, I am looking after them" ( he was 14 if a day)
"Oh, no parents then?"
"No.Sorry"
" Right, then I shall have to call the police "
"No, please don't I am looking after them"
"Then SHUT THEM THE HELL UP!"
"OK"
"No, it is not OK, this is ridiculous, you are like the blood clampetts night after bloody night, it is NOT OK!"
"Are you calling the police?"
"Yes I am"
( to the other kids!) " did you hear that? She is calling the police! Well done, what will your dad say when I have to tell him?"
"And you can be sure I will be telling him as well"
All those little kids came out to the door step as I walked away
"Oh PLEASE don't call the police...we're sorry, we're SORRY...don't call the police!"
"TOO LATE!" I replied as I walked back into my house where I sniggered like a 9 year old. I could feel the fear, could taste the trepidation coming from that house and also, I am pretty sure that I could hear cheering and air punching from several of the other houses in the street.
I have discovered that it was kids attached to this house that smashed my car window in April.
Sophie was talking to the father who said that he knew who did it and was sorry, he had spoken to the person responsible and it wouldn't happen again.
Didn't pay the £160 it cost to get it fixed of course but there we go.
Not a sound came from the direction of that house last night and even today I don't think they came out to play. I'm sure it won't last, it's friday tomorrow so at 1am we will hear the latest leaving of the girlfriend....you can set your clock to them.
Do you think it's OK if I love all my other neighbours, or at least don't hate them, perfection is so hard to achieve isn't it?

And let's hear it again!

I keep thinking about how I should remove the Hallelujah chorus and then well if things don't just keep getting better and even more deserving of a rousing chorus or 3, so it stays today and who knows, maybe even tomorrow!
Dan is here today and that alone is enough to make us all feel a bit like praising the Lord and singing, he just brings the sunshine with him, even his farts make the boys laugh.
We were walking through town and Sophie did one of her horrendous phlegmy coughs, the ones only smokers do that make you hod your breath and beg inwardly for them not to spit.
I shuddered and inwardly begged her not to spit ( which is an outright lie, I said very loudly "Don't you DARE spit!" ) and Daniel said
"Lovely Soph...now, let me hazard a guess, you're single, right?"
( he makes me laugh endlessly)
Then he said " Sophie you are so embarrassing at times" and we had no idea why he'd said it until I glanced over at him to see he was walking along with his shirt tucked in his boxers and his jeans hanging low. He looked like some poor simpleton let out for the day with the faint glimmer of having heard that baggy jeans showing your underwear was fashionable.
There is little more satisfying than having your children make you laugh, a lot.
Then he did something that was so Daniel and so gobsmackingly gasping.He went into a n Electrical store and he bought

and also a fantastic cinema system...for US, OUR house!
42" of shiny big telly and all sorts of bells and whistles.
I shook for over an hour because 'stuff' isn't something we do. We are bargain hunters and make do-ers. If I were to admit to materialistic longings it would be for a posh fridge freezer, nice car and oh my, how my heart has yearned in a shameful way for a big TV.
I can't quite explain how it feels to have 2 of my hearts desires but to have been given them with such incredible joy and pride by the 2 big boys is something else.
All of this is great and glorious and yet, the day got even better.

I have long been thinking about my life and what to do with it. I have been depressed and felt better, sunk down and lifted up. I have also learned something.
There is no point in going somewhere unless you want to go there. If you go somewhere because you want to get away from where you are...it will end in tears.
H has been unhappy for a long time too. As time passes he becomes more withdrawn and more quiet and heaven knows, I love me some quiet but lately we have needed to poke him to see if he is still with us, so quiet has he been. We travelled to LA last december because I knew he needed to go home for a while. It was a success and he loved it, I loved it, we all loved it. Then we came home. To everything we left behind. Which then seems much worse than when you left it behind and had a lovely time.
Oh dear, that was so hard and it hurt for weeks....so we thought about what we must do HEY! Lets do it again then!
So we've been saving and planning and I have been sinking more and more into panic mode.
It is possible to do it of we do nothing else, if we live with the house as it is and the car falling apart, with the same make do and grit your teeth recipes. I have been feeling that we are causing ourselves more slog for 3 weeks fun than it was worth..but I was ready to do it for H.
Today we had a chat ( I know, 2 conversations in a week..what is going on here?) The long and short to fit is, we are not going to California in December. We are staying here and using the money to make life better right where we are.
H has a plan ( which in itself is wonderful, everyone needs a plan) and it will involve him being busy and using his brain, he will be filling his days with learning and working towards a goal. I am so thrilled.
Since we left the bran we have both been so sad, so void of purpose, living in that hideous house with it's stink and misery, moving here was wonderful and holds so much promise but we have been so poor it has been the only house I haven't worked a bit of magic on. There is none of 'me' in this house.
Now I know that I can make it ours, make it a place that lifts our spirits when we walk in. I cannot wait to get started.
H is eager to get going on his plans and to see him so enthusiastic means more than any trip could ever mean. I am so glad that I don't have to worry about the tickets or the flights, the money or the coming home to face what we left.
I am excited to chase away the misery that we have felt here. When we've done that, a trip would be great, I will look forward to it but for now I am so happy to be staying home and making it exactly where we want to be.
Hallelujah indeed.

And then your heart just bursts and spreads glitter and fluffy stuff all over the universe.

As a mother, more often than not, we will feel that we have done it wrong and oh we are making so many mistakes and what should we DOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
Then we do what we do and hope and pray that it will be alright in the end.
To see if it is alright, you know, in the end we have to be patient. And then a bit more patient.
Along the way we will be joyful and heartbroken, terrified and reassured. One emotion after the other.
I am riding on a high at the moment, still a little tentatively but with each passing day with more confidence.
The most splendid and heart warming part of watching Sophie at the moment is the way she and H are interacting with each other. Any interaction at all between these two is nothing short of miraculous but every day I am seeing such sweet and gentle moments.
Sophie has a card that she can charge and use in the works cafeteria, I have given her some money but as it is tight around here ( what's new?) I suggest that she take lunch and when she gets paid she can charge the card. The other morning I told her that I didn't have any money and she was fine with that, as she walked past H to go to work, without saying anything he handed her some money, he asks her about work and is genuinely interested, all these things lift her spirits and make her stronger.
She started work this morning at 8.30 and got home at 7.30 this evening having done a couple of hours overtime. She ate her dinner and then said
"Hey! I don't have to go to work tomorrow, you guys don't have school..how about we have a sleepover in MY room?"
Those little boys just about peed themselves, Isaac was heard to say "Oh this will be the best day of my whole life!"
Eli told her that he loved her.
They made beds on the floor ( where Sophie sleeps anyway for now, she hasn't slept in a bed for 18 months, I can't wait to get one in there for her!)
They chose DVDs they made popcorn drinks, got breakfast bars and we haven't seen them since 8pm.
H and I had a glorious quiet evening and even managed to curl up on the sofa together.
Dan is coming tonight for 2 days, can you hear my mummy heart sing? Watch out for the fluffy stuff and glitter because I think it could burst any minute.


( she needs a dresser too, that pile of clothes is where her clothes live right now, on the floor with her pillows!)

In the words of Elijah...

"Daddy's fluffy bits have gone!"
My H is back with his glorious smooth face, no whiskers sideburns, beard or any sign of facial hair. He looks 10 years younger and I have scarcely been able to stop looking at him all day.
He had valid reasons for growing them and now they are gone, amazing how that communication thing works, who'd have thought? Talking huh? Wow.

I have a whole slew of bitty bits to talk about and am not at all sure that any of them are interesting...hey ho, nothing ventured nothing gained though!
I absolutely meant to tell the whole story of the beach the other day but got myself dragged down the I am insane and you'll never guess what is in my head road....today I am sane and able to laugh about the little things again.
While we were eating our chips on Dawlish wall the other day, such excitement! There was a carnival on and so many people, lots of activities and hustle and bustle. Suddenly there were sirens and more sirens and flashing lights ! Police cars....ooooooooh where are they ? Wow headed right for us. No kidding RIGHT FOR US and the wall. Screeching of brakes and still the sirens...one car, probably the driver overcome with such adrenalin ( this is Devon, you grab the adrenalin where you can!) kept driving, he was going to get that baddie and catch his ass...he drove down the steps....such a hero. Ha!
The next car, perhaps driven by a more mature and seasoned Devonian ( yeah, be there d'reckly, hold onto the bugger while I get there will you?) well this car stopped at the top of the steps, because well, you would wouldn't you?



Now this is where I let you down and I apologise because any good blogger would have waited ( and part of me longed to) to see how the driver of this car...



Got it back UP those few steps, because although they aren't terribly steep, nor too many in number.....I can guarantee that it was not as easy to get back up, as getting down ( which made the very devil of a banging noise!)
I did a quick check and for all I could see, there were very solid, in the ground, not movable bollards placed so that no joy riding hellions could ever drive down and create havoc on the sea front, I suspect there must have been a plan B for over zealous police drivers because the car was gone when we walked back that way.
I was impressed by the crowd that gathered with the police cars and the complete unashamed rubber necking that went on...
"Hey! Wassgoin'on? Hurry up, we gotta get and see what is it....come ON!"
We, I must add, were the epitome of cool and took the chance to go the opposite direction and nab a space on the emptier beach that was blissfully free of criminals and ne'er do wells.
There, I feel I have done my duty as a blogger now, you are all updated on the facts and I even included pictures. My job here is done for another day, now I am going to sit with my smooth faced husband and kiss him a bit until Sophie returns...as she has done every single evening this week, having been visiting Jordan and Mel and not drinking or mixing with loud and uncouth people. She cleared her room today, Jordan and Mel have our table and chairs, did I mention that H's sideburns have gone? I did? Good heavens, if it isn't all working out marvellously.
Hallelujah indeed.

Well yes, actually, I WAS ready for that!

The sun that is....a whole day of it, the sun most definitely had it's hat on, hip hip hip hooray.
H and I cleaned the house from top to bottom.
Here's the thing, I walk around this house and I mutter and kick things out of the way, I tread over basketballs ( currently 7 on the kitchen floor) I swear at duplo that no-one ever seems to play with yet, there it is, always on the floor.
I see clean laundry waiting to be ironed, clean ironed laundry, waiting to be put away, dirty waiting to be washed, clean waiting to be dried.
Everywhere is a bloody great mess. Every now and then ( yet not as often as I would like) H and I have a day where it is just unbearable and we 'set to' It has never yet taken more than 2 hours to do the whole house, including scrubbing and polishing. Why then don't we just do it more often? Why, because without fail, as soon as we do it, it gets undone. Faster than it got done.
Today though we cleaned it and then, because I am so clever and was one step ahead of the gits....I took them out. Not only did I take them out but we picked up the splendid 11 year old Billy, who even though he is 11 and completely grown up, likes coming out with us and Seth, Isaac and Eli think he is just about the coolest and most fun person to be with. Crafty me, this always means that everyone has fun..including ME because I get to read a magazine in a deck chair while 4 boys play and entertain themselves.
H doesn't do beaches.....funny for a Californian I know but there we are, I suspect that he'd get sand in his sideburns and that would be that, misery for all, for me because the bloody sideburns make me miserable, and for him because well, he'd have sand in them and be uncomfortable as well as look like something out of a dickens novel. On a tangent, I discovered last evening that he is now growing a full beard as well. Lovely, facial hair, to me is the most repulsive thing. I can deal with it on other people's husbands if they are trimmed and tidy, if I don't have to have it poke me in the face if I am kissed and if I don't have to touch it, at all. H knows I hate it, he knew that the last time he grew a beard I was unhappy and when he shaved it off, I was very very happy. The fact that he is growing it again, is like a smack in the face for me and I have spent nearly 24 hours trying to think what I could do that would make him feel the same way and understand....hmmmmm, he finished with one girl because she would wear cherry lip gloss and he said that the very sight of the super shiny lips and the smell of the sickly sweet cherry was more than he could stand. If I bought some and kept kissing him you think he'd tell me he hates it? I bet not. That's the only thing I can think of though.
I cannot simply say " Ewwwww, ugly, look I have put up with the old fart sideburns for months waiting for you to shave the damn things off but this is going too far..." because he is stubborn and that would make him feel obliged to keep them even longer.
I did tell him that the chances of me going out in public with him from now on are slim to none......oh how he laughed at that one.
I have talked myself stupid over the whole issue, told myself that he is glorious and that he is being a super splendid step dad to the girl after years, she is a bit like a little girl about it and keeps asking if HE actually thought of the key for her and if HE bought it and went to get it cut and then she smiles when I tell her that indeed he did and yes he did and YES he really did.
A beard shouldn't be of any importance, should it? No, don't be stupid. Then I look over at him and I see it beginning to 'be there' and ...here we go again with the seething and tutting in my head.
Now, people keep asking me if I am depressed again and I keep saying " no, its the rain and the no money and the endless this and that and the other"
Actually, I am. Depressed. Horribly. But I know why, which makes it less depressing and as soon as my doctor is back from her holiday I shall go and see her and tell her and maybe that will help.
I know what the problem is, the problem is that things are better. Ha! See? Don't tell me I'm not crazy.
The past few days have been very bad for me, actually lets change that to weeks. A good few weeks.
The last week has been the worst. When things are truly terrible, when I am in the midst of horror, I am the most splendid coper in the world. Watch me rock the world....I flatten monsters, beat demons, battle with evil and I win. I am incredible.
Then it gets better, life begins to shine, the sun comes out and it starts.
The shaking and heaving.
Just read from the beginning of this blog and you'll see where we have been with Sophie. Up and down and down even further. I have been holding my breath since she was 5. When she has been good, I hold my breath more because we have always been waiting for it to explode, every time I write or speak about her I wonder how negative I sound, I can hear the voices in my head telling me not to enjoy it because it will hurt more when it goes belly up.
This time is different, from the night she came at 1am and sobbed on the floor and begged me to help her, I knew she meant it. She has done everything I asked her. She has fallen and picked herself backup and tried again. Even when she has appeared to be being a bugger, I could see that it was fear holding her back, I knew I had to love her though it .
Yet again I have been guided every step of the way, every time I had to make her leave I knew it was the only thing to do, every time I fed her and sent he on her way, every night I stayed awake waiting for the phone call or the knock on the door, I knew there was no other choice.
I have been astounded at how I have been able to do it all.
This week, when I saw her come home from her first day at work, I knew it was over. Oh I don't doubt there will be hiccups and I am sure there will be days when I will gladly swing for her...just like a regular mum and a regular teenage daughter. I am not floating on a happy cloud thinking I have cinderella in my dining room.
What is happening now, is what has always happened, after the boys were better, when I knew they would be OK, when Sophie grew out of her epilepsy, when I saw that Dan being gay didn't mean he was doomed to be a sad and lonely misfit, he will never anything but adored and he is, as far as I can tell very happy. Phew.
So, now I am smack bang in the middle of what happens next.
The place where I shake from head to toe, every minute of the day and night, where I wake up holding my breath. Where I go to breathe and gag instead. Where every minute of every day, my head is screaming " Oh...oh dear God, that was horrible, it was SO horrible, please never, ever make me do that again, please don't make me do that because it was HORRIBLE and how did I not scream my way through it? How did I not die or go insane and I must be so hard to have done all that and not fallen apart. What kind of person am I that I can just keep gong through this shit and still function and behave as though everything is alright?
That's where I am now.... fun, isn't it?
Then, I see H's beard and it isn't just a beard it is " LOOK! He knows I hate that and he still does it and it will be months and I will cringe everytime I look at it and I just want everything the way I want it and I want it all to be nice and just let me be happy. Please.
Bloody beard.
It's exhausting being in my head.
It's 10 o'clock on a friday night and Sophie is home. 5 days in a row she has been home by 11, asleep by midnight, up in the morning without being woken up. I think she is on her way and that is such a good thing, the way she and H are with each other is a miraculous thing. All these things I couldn't imagine, ever.... and here they are.
Now my head just has to catch up with my heart. While I wait.....here are some pictures of the normal things I do while my head is away with the fairies.
Hell, I am so good. Who'd have thought?

Conversations in our house the last few days.

Sophie on being home at 10.30 every night...." I don't need to be out late, I have to get up for work" ( !!!!!)
On going out. " I can't be bothered going out at the weekend, I would rather go for a drink on tuesday and not deal with the crowds" ( !!!!!!!!!!)

Isaac and Elijah, having been in Sophie's room and eating 2 of her chocolates.
BOTH "It wasn't me, it was him! HE ate them!"
ME " Oh well, when she gets home, she will know and probably, she will call the police because that is actually stealing"
BOTH " Oh...OH......QUICK have a drink, get the smell out of your mouth....have I got chocolate around my mouth.....CAN YOU SEE ANY CHOCOLATE???"

On arriving at the park, an ambulance drew up next to our car, Isaac was all ears listening to the frantic mother explaining what had befallen her poor child.
ISAAC " Oh, that sounds bad, he has dislocated his knee, his KNEE CAP has POPPED OUT!
SETH " Wow, that's cool, lets get out and go and see!"
ELIJAH " Yeah but I want to see ACTUAL BLOOD!"

Working 9 to 5......and other stuff.

Seldom have we ever had such hope......

Sophie started her new job today.

Some of her interview questions....

Sophie, what don't you like about Asda Stores?

"Fish, you sell fish, you should definitely not sell fish, I can't stand it and please don't ask me to work with it"

Sophie, what do you think would make Asda a better place for the public?

"If I worked here..how can it not get better?"

What can I say?

She is surprisingly thrilled with the lime green and black uniform ( which is rather flattering if you ask me) she has all kinds of exciting bits and bobs and it certainly looks as though she will, if all goes to plan, be able to work and earn a good wage.

Every time she has found a job, by doom and gloom has seen the pitfalls, almost waiting for it all to go so wrong. This time is different because this a huge company, they know what to do, they know how to employ. Sophie has already been given such steady direction, instructions, fool proof do's and dont's, she gets it.

Since we told her the plan that when she gets a job she can make the dining room her own, she has been a changed person, home on time, calling if and when she is staying out. Cleaning up after herself ( but not the room she is in, never mind I shut the door and stay out!) She washes her dishes and when asked, she looks after the boys.

We haven't ( please Lord don't let me jinx it) had a head to head for a long while, frustrations over the asking to borrow money, certainly. Her wages are being paid into an account of mine that I don't use often, I have suggested that after the money she must pay us has been paid, she should choose how much she wants to blow on clothes or whatever and the rest I will split and give her each week for lunches ( if she wants to eat in the canteen, she can always take lunch from here) going out and credit for her phone. She didn't blow a gasket!

What I want to do, in fact I feel compelled ( which for me, lately, is a strong emotion, I have been a soul-less fish of an excuse for a woman lately, the rain has washed my get up and go completely away.) to do, while she is at work one day, is a makeover on her room. I shall have to start freecycle watching and ebaying like a frenzied thing and try to keep it quiet until I have what we need. I want to wait til she goes to work and then transform her room, so she has a bed and a dresser, curtains and a lamp, even a rug maybe. The rest, TV and DVD player etc, she can buy, I want her to love her room and want to be in it more.

With Sophie, if the challenge is too big, she gives in before she starts. If I get the basics and make it a lovely place to be, she can do the rest and will enjoy doing it.

I haven't been so excited about a project in a long time.

It's 2 years since she has had her own bed. Her fault entirely, it has been a good thing in a terrible way, but she is learning and she needs encouraging. She needs a bed and a pretty duvet, soft pillows and some lovely curtains. I shall begin to make that happen without telling her. Splendid.

H, to my absolute joy, is on board with the joy, he says he is going to get her a key cut tomorrow and give it to her when she comes home from work. He was positively animated while she told us the details of her day and her job....he is a staunch supporter of Asda for some reason and so was already a little impressed, the fact that she has 2 of everything from shirts to pens and numerous little dangly bits to keep things in has made him almost giddy with her new job.

I am resisting the urge to worry, to wonder what can go wrong. If it goes tits up, well so be it, for now I am grabbing the happy handles and hanging on for dear life. I am hugging and whoot whooting, I am doing every little thing I can to build her up and help her to stay there. It feels so good to have H with me on it, half the battle is won when there isn't a skirmish on the sidelines.

So, thumbs up then.......it's all good.

I can't quite tell you how good it feels to have good news like this. Long may it last!

~**********************************************************************************~

Some other thoughts.

I seem to have been obsessing lately about my appearance. Not in a vain sort of way but in a flip floppy kind of way.

I am, for other people, totally enamoured of character, of individuality and signs of having lived and loved, of being real and having a story. I adore eccentric and different.

I am bored beyond words with the pretty young things with their extensions and nails, with the same eye make up, same clothes, hoopy ear rings. Everywhere I turn I see the same thing on young girls. Even, for the most part, the same expression. Meander though face book and my space, My space especially has a 'look' oh my, head tilted, slightly looking up through the eyebrows with a ridiculous pout and 'sexy me' OR from behind looking over the shoulder same head down sort of look, spare me.

No, for me, when I look at other people I want to see real life and laughter lines, wrinkles and a story.

When I look at me though, I ...actually, truth be told I don't look at me. At all if I can help it. When I do my hair, I look at my hair, when I put make up on, I look at my eyes. When I clean my teeth I look at my mouth. I never voluntarily look at my whole self. If I am forced to because I walk around a corner and dear life a shop window with ME in it. I am thrust into such a state of woe that it will ruin my day.

Sometimes though, I am in awe of the fact that I am a grandmother. I can see who I am and tell myself that things are so different now. Different things matter.

Being married to H has been a liberating thing for me, he does not see what I see. I am, it must be said, not totally sure what he does see. I just know that when I used to ( because I never do anymore) say anything that smacked of being unsure of myself he would, with a totally stunned look on his face say " I have no idea what you mean"

He has never said I am beautiful or that he finds me beautiful, he says things like ' that looks good' or 'there ya go, I like that' which for him is praise indeed.

He loves feminine and poor man, if ever there was a less frilly gingham and lace sort of girl, I have yet to see her. I could wear ( perish the thought) some kind of sexy item and he would be flummoxed, awkward, uncomfortable. If I were to dress as a pioneer I am pretty sure he would have ma against the nearest barn door with petticoats hoisted in a gosh darn minute!

I did my hair differently when we had been married about 2 years, thought he must be sick of the same old look, when I asked him what he thought he replied " how do you usually have it?" I struck gold when I found H, a less visual man would be tough to find.

Put before him a dinner of liver and bacon cooked with an onion gravy and mashed potatoes and his joy will burst forth, waxing lyrical. He and I were made for each other.

My sister came by yesterday to bring a hysterical book she just finished reading, she has called me often and read snippets to me while I reached into the fridge at Asda ( where Sophie WORKS!) to grab some milk, she was whistling with laughter and so as soon as she was done, she brought the book for me to read. She wanted to show me a particular passage and so she stood in front of me and she did this thing with her glasses that I love, every time I see her do it it makes me smile. I see her story and her life......I took a picture because it was just so perfect.

See? It's just so her.

I look at H with his eccentric sideburns that have long outlived ( And outgrown) the novelty and yet I still love it because it is so him, so bizarre and full of character.

I see big women I adore and see such beauty, such comfort, such joy and exuberance.

I see old ladies bent over with age and adore every inch of them.

I see old men with fat necks and hairy ears and they are divine in my eyes.

Why is it then that I cannot look at ME and just see what I am, who I am, what being me means?

It's so sad to feel so scrunched in on myself, so horribly uncomfortable and ashamed. I so want to feel differently and with great joy, I can say that the whole time I was in Boston I DID see me like that. With the exception of when we were shopping in blistering heat on sunday, when I was sweaty and hot and so fed up with dripping, I didn't once feel anything but gorgeous and exactly right. I had pictures taken of me that I didn't hate. I looked and saw what I hope other people saw and I liked it. How sad that it shrivelled away on the way home.

No matter how big I have been, no matter what size or shape, I have never had anyone be unkind to me, I have no experience of being shunned or hurt, the first one said things that could have scarred me but he is stupid and thoughtless, his words ran off me like water off a ducks back, apart from him, people have always just loved me. Whatever problems or hang ups I may have, are entirely of my own making and that makes me so cross at myself.

I decide that I wll work at it and change the way I look so that I will feel differently and I will admit when I am thinner I am more comfortable, I love buying nicer clothes but inside I still feel the same because I AM the same. I am me. It is time I just accepted me and tried to see me the way other people do. If only it were that simple.

Help.

The rain has washed my soul away...will try and come back to post and be a person again if the sun ever comes out.

Meanwhile I am glued to big brother.

That says it all doesn't it?

Send help.

Please.

A Five and 2 sevens.

Today is Isaac Nathaniel's 7th birthday. This means that for 12 days I have 2 seven year olds, Isaac thinks this is great, Seth, not so much. Seth has been eye bulgingly furious each time Isaac has mentioned that he is now the same age. " But I am SEVEN years and ELEVEN months!" to which Isaac will say " but we are both seven.
Isaac's day didn't begin well because his gifts we bought when he still loved Elvis and sticker books....now, he loves Basketball, like Seth ( because they are the same age after all.)
HE opened his gifts saying " I didn't WANT Elvis stuff" and " I hate that" and " Oh.....I don't like that either" Hooray for cold hard cash in his card because the day was saved. HE got more money later in the day and he is a happy boy.
HE ate cake and went to bed at 9pm and as he settled down he hugged me tight and said " I had a lovely birthday" I kissed him and said " I am so happy to be your mummy"
From behind us we heard " And I am happy to be his friend" from Elijah. What a splendid way to end the day.
Isaac,I am indeed happy to be your mummy. Happy birthday beautiful boy.

Feelings......

There are times, when living with Apergers syndrome is exhausting. Married to it, mother to it, daughter to it, you think I would be pretty much on the ball and 'get it' by now. For the most part I do, I really understand H's inability to understand emotion, Isaac's inability to speak to people, Seth's inability to accept that there are indeed opinions that differ to his ( What? How so!) My dad's dislike of hugging and demonstrative shows of affection were touching to me and ignored.
I have adapted remarkably well to my bizarre life and we muddle along quite pleasantly,usually.
Of late, Seth's attitude has become increasingly irritating to me, he has always been way ahead of the game and so at 7, he is ( to himself) an adolescent, he behaves as though puberty is behind him and speaks as though, just like a real teenager, he knows it all.
*yawn*
I have tried various methods of explaining to him that he is 7, he is a CHILD and as such there will be times when he is going to have to obey instructions that he neither likes or even understands. I have failed miserably. Lately I find myself sinking into a pit of apathy, I feel my weary head switch off as it tells me that it is tired of smashing itself against the unrelenting brick wall and oh, please just ignore him, let him whitter on and on and try to make stupid me understand why HE IS RIGHT! The mother in me panics and says " SOPHIE......He will be another SOPHIE, You are doing it again and you will have to face all that again but this time you will be OLD and he is SO smart and you will be TOAST! Stop it now.....do it NOW, save yourself and HIM."
So we try again and sometimes we get somewhere and sometimes, we don't.
Today is H's birthday, tomorrow is Isaac's birthday ( I am so booooooorrrrrrrrrreed with the birthdays will they be over soon, will they?) As always money is tight and H, bless his heart could care less about birthdays and so we can ( and do, yes we do) skip the presents and the boys make lovely cards that he actually opens because they are made, if I were to buy cards, I would find them in the unopened envelope behind the sofa, weeks later ( because I don't move the sofa every day and sweep, this post will be full of confessions, you may take notes and hate me for them later, there's a doozy coming really soon) I stopped buying him cards, I fought for a long time and gave up, he doesn't like cards unless they are homemade and poorly spelled.
He loves a good dinner and a splendid dessert ( rib eye steak, garlic mushrooms, salad and trifle for dessert, Happy birthday, all was perfect)
Isaac is 7 tomorrow, sunday, which could pose a problem because we don't do so many things on sunday and we do do some other things like go to church.
So we decided that the Isaac fun would be today. He could choose what we do. He wanted to go to a local pizza cafe for lunch, aha! thought I, if daddy takes him, we kill 2 birds, or even 3, with one stone, cheaper than everyone going, special because the boy gets a one on one with daddy and daddy gets to have a treat on his birthday too.
Great plan except Isaac, while no-one was looking made himself and then ate a pile of Peanut butter and jelly on toast....at 11am.
I am doing the best job at stretching this out, could be a long blog post, to make up for the days I have fudged by with pictures and youtube clips.
Back to the drawing board, I know, bother the rain ( relentless and beginning to feel personal, shall be taking affront any day now) why don't we tale all 3 boys to a brand new indoor play place. Cages of safe play climbing stuff and a table for mummy to sit and read and not have to clean up later, splendid.
Off we went, leaving daddy to have a whole afternoon of Olympics and a nap and whatever he chose.
I took snacks, we bought fries, bought a jug of juice and all was well.
They played long and hard....really really hard.


Yes, that hard.

Isaac and Eli would come over every now and then and refuel. Seth..no chance, food and drink to Seth are an aside, when all else is done, he eats what he needs to get through the next bout and off he goes again, he isn't about to interrupt the important stuff, like dodge ball with big kids in a cage with a real ball for something to feeble as food.



We stayed 4 hours and were thrilled when we saw that Gemma was there with cousins Sam and Joey and Jamie, who is 15 months and so wicked you could eat him on toast.


Jamie don't play with the babies, he has big brothers and he would escape the baby enclosure and make a bid for freedom every 3 minutes ( making me so happy to have huge big boys of 5, 6 and 7) Gemma would drag him back and put him with the toddlers in the safe bit and he would scale the wall and dash for fun again...at one time he was in the big boys basketball spot, right next to the front door and I swear he stood, face pushed against the netting, chewing at the net like a hamster trying to eat its way out of its cage!
Anyway, after 4 hours it was time to come home, Isaac was ready, Eli was ready and Seth started. He was hungry, well he did n't EAT any of the snacks or fries of treats and so NOW was the time to buy him some, now...right NOW. He didn't want to put his shoes on, he didn't care if it was raining ..SO?? SO?? Why should he put his shoes on, is he a girl? IS HE?
Well, all this was taking a long time, in a crowded place, that was hot and humid, after 4 hours of being there, after 4 hours of sleep.......on and on he want while I tried to reason with him, by now, well we were outside and it was REALLY raining and he still had no shoes on and still, yes still he was trying to get me to answer him. And I did. Indeed.
For that fleeting moment I forgot that he i s a 7 year old, he made me feel as mad as I could possibly feel and I do this thing where I shut up, I bite my tongue, I breathe deeply, I count to 300, I hum in my head and then.....well sometimes the devil makes me do it.
" Well..AM I A GIRL?"
"No, you are an idiot"
Yes, I said it and not in my head. To the 7 year old, right as a happy family with nice children and a patient mother walked past.
Oh bloody hell.
We drove home ( after he had asked me if MY mother would EVER have called ME such a thing and I had told him of course not because I would never have been so rude to MY mother etc etc)
I dropped him off with H because darned if I was taking him to buy dinner.
All the way around Asda ( whose manager called today to offer Sophie a JOB a real JOB and we aren't even thinking about what she is going to say about the Lime green uniform of a non flattering nature because its a JOB and she will have MONEY and she will even have to give ME some ! ) I was burning with shame and imagining how on parenting boards all over England people will hear about this mother with the sweet pixie little boy who was so CUTE and just walking beside her and she called him an IDIOT..for REAL, what would YOU have done? Would you have stopped her and told her how she was damaging that poor little soul for life?
I imagined how he was probably sitting in a dejected heap at home, in the hallway or even in the outside toilet, heart torn asunder because his mother....you get the picture. Anyway I knew what I had to do and I could turn it around and use it as a learning tool.
When I got home and found him on the sofa, with a plate stacked with all manner of delicious things, watching the Olympics ( anyone have a bent fork I can poke my eyes out with?) I asked him if I had hurt his feelings when I called him such a mean name.
The look on his face said it all.
What.are.feelings?
That's the root of it all. HE doesn't get feelings at all, when he does what he does, he is, in his eyes, trying to make me understand how things are, see it all HIS way because that is the ONLY way. There is nothing personal in it, he isn't trying to crush me, he doesn't get any of that. He is right.....he thinks it is his job to make me see that and he has no idea of the right way to put his opinions across.
What a huge task.
I have no idea where to begin to teach this boy that there are ways and means and it DOES matter how you speak to people, it does matter that in life, we must think of others and accept that there are times that we will have to do things we don't like, we cannot have it all our own way. For now we will be spending more time together, his world revolves around H, they discuss everything, they are one and the same mind....he is very rarely disrespectful to H because he sees him as important and worthy. Somehow I have to get him to see me as more than the maid who strokes his head at night time.
Small steps and huge prayers.

Sometimes, the universe/ internet sends a blessing.

I have been a miserable whiny mare of late, full of woe is me and oh I have nothing....pity me. Then I saw this and suddenly life is so good because I have H and well......do you think she took him back? Can you imagine why she left him in the first place?
Oh internets how I love thee, thou makest me laugh so hard.
( swearing in this but somehow, it all adds to the je ne c'st quoi.....)
Little background, this is a dating agency and he wants to have his ex see his tape so she falls back in love with him.

That had me stumped for a moment.

Today was a long day, an interminably long day. Actually it didn't rain, it was humid and gray and threatened to rain but it didn't actually rain. We still stayed in all day apart from a trip to the library with H and a shorter than short trip to Asda for me. It is the very last day of 4 weeks of self imposed poverty. I am so glad it is at an end, we held our breath paid off what money we owed for my splendid trip to Boston to get it all out of the way and then we endured 4 weeks of getting on with it.
It is enormously satisfying to me to do that every now and then but the novelty wears off very quickly and I can tell you I am very ready to go shopping and take the boys out for the day knowing that we can even buy an ice cream, should we so desire.
However, today was a day of having £11 to buy the few bits we needed to get through today, weather not good enough to risk the park so we stayed in. By 11am I was ready to climb the walls but we did that the other day didn't we? Isaac came in with a minuscule blister on the palm of his hand and that's when the fun began. No band aid was going to stick to his sweaty little hand, so he brought a bandage......oh the fun we had, we found many bandages and 3 little boys had head, arms, legs and feet bandaged.
I have, from so many years ago a diploma in orthopaedic nursing, 2 years from the age of 17-19 had me living in a nurses home and working on the wards of Mouth Gould Hospital. I have so many great memories of my time as a student nurse. I made friends there and one is still my friend, through our teens and weddings, births of our children, divorces, losing parents, you name it, we've seen it together.
I left nursing after the 2 years and many times I have regretted leaving, even now I wonder about ho life would be if I had continued with my training and gone on to do general nursing, I met the first one on the train ride to interview for my general training...and I married him instead. No point in spending too much time wondering how things might have been, I am what I am, my life is what it is and there really aren't too many regrets.
I can still remember many things I learned in those 2 years, I could still give an injection, an enema ( though would certainly refuse the opportunity to do that one thankyou, oh the memories I have of giving a 'high, hot and hellava lot' with rubber tubing and a funnel) I remember many of the classes we had, the fun we had in the evenings when we off duty. I also remember how to bandage. I was pretty good with an elastic bandage and one class we had was to learn, specifically, to bandage stumps, amputees. Who knows why that class sticks in my mind so vividly except the mirth involed. We practised by bending our arms, putting our hand on our shoulder and bandaging the bent elbow.....let me tell you, when that arm is bandaged like that and then you put on a T-shirt, it looks exactly like a stump. We laughed at ourselves until we were hoarse. We were so freaked out by how realistic it looked and we all had to have our arms bandaged that way and we all learned how to do it. 28 years on, I still remember how to do it....


See? They thought it was as funny as I did all those years ago. They can't wait for halloween because they are so going to dress up and freak people out.
They loved the head bandages the best and had long moments of hysteria by bending their ears all out of whack.
Right as that photograph was taken, Seth pointed his stumpy arm at me and said in a whistly old man voice " You haven't been in many battles have you sonny?" which pretty much was the undoing of us all.


So thumbs up for any idea that keeps boredom away but oh, I am so pleased we can get out and put petrol in the car and fill a few hours outside the house tomorrow, if the sun shines as well we won't call the queen our cousin, we'll be happy as Larry ( who we like so much more than that Pete, whose sake we exclaim over so often)

In case your stomach is a little turned by the previous pictures, here's one to settle it again, how beautiful is this little man of mine?

Hospital pictures to follow. Probably.

It's raining, again. 6 out of 7 days it has rained since the boys got out of school for 6 weeks...little boys have a habit of amusing themselves. What can you do? They are having fun.....it isn't costing anything. I am debating whether to show them how to slide downstairs on a mattress...what do you think?
















They also do this thing where they run as fast as they can towards a wall and then run up it, but those pictures looked really as though we were encouraging self harm!

Who'd have thought so much fun could be had without leaving the house?

They should sleep well tonight.

( that's my dad's face right there, incredible to me to see such a likeness!)








And um...sometimes, when snapping a shot, you may capture more than you bargained for!