I slept.

Without a twitch or jump from 10.30 last night until 8 his morning. Actually my legs began to hurt at 9ish so I popped one of the scarey tablets and by 10 I was like drunken fool, thought I would lay down on the couch for a minute or 10 and Eli woke me up at midnight, I couldn't function, I walked into walls, I staggered and sniggered and somehow got me and him up the stairs and knew not a thing until 8 this morning.
I kind of felt pukey all morning, we went to a sweet little town to collect an i MAC. PC that H got on ebay. we had to drive through a ford to get out and the boys thought that was the bees knees...

We drove right along the sea front and the waves were crashing right up to the road ( 'course, as soon as H pointed the camera they stopped!) it is Torrential rain today, a day to sit inside and be cosy.

I feel good. Mellow ( me thinks that could be the new meds too that are also used for anxiety and stress, chill man, all's cool) Hope I don't get more stupid with these meds. I was thinking about what I know, about my mind the other day and came to the conclusion that I think I don't learn with my head. My head is a bit empty and rattley. I learn and remember and teach and function with my heart.
Everything I know and understand is about life, how to live and get the best out of people and living.
When I see or hear facts and figures my brain shrivells and whimpers, don't ask me to know stuff. Please don't ,because I can't. I am like Homer Simpson. I have just enough room in my brian for a few necessities, if I try and remember a new thing, an old fact gets pushed out. Honest.
If I had to remember my 12 times tables, chances are I would forget my name. Get me to memorise the states of America and I will forget where I live ( although I sometimes do that anyway)
My heart though, well that never forgets. I know who loves me, I know what they need, I even know what they need when they don't tell me because my heart gets a tug and my spirit hears the plea.
I have been known to frighten people I know and love because I see and know things they don't tell me.
I think we all have the capability to do this. We just have to be in tune with our hearts and spirits. Sometimes you will think or feel to do something bizarre...do it though, see what happens.

My sister and I were out one day in the summer, it was HOT HOT...we bought a lolly, a delicious cool lolly with fruit and ice cream inside.
We were enjoying them and suddenly I said
" Hey, Margeret B needs one of these"
"WHAT??"
"Margaret needs one of these, I feel it, come on"
We went, we bought a whole box and drove a few miles to this ladies house...laughing because well, how do you turn up and say you know someone needs something as daft as an ice lolly?
Knock knock...."Hello, Margeret, we're mad, you need some of these don't you?"
She looked and then she burst into tears. She was mid cycle of chemo for breast cancer. Her mouth was filled with sore blisters, she couldn't eat, her husband was away for 3 days and she had turned out her kitchen to try and find something cool and fruity to soothe her poor mouth. She had been crying because the shops were too far away and she was desperate. My heart heard her and my head listened. Clever heart, obedient head.

I don't mind a bit that my head can't remember stuff, maybe it needs to be empty to hear the things my heart tells it to do. I like having a heart that knows things, I hope that it gets more and more clever as my brain gets more and more stupid.
You can't go to heart school and learn things, you have to just live. You have to get your heart hurt to strengthen it, you have to allow your heart to take risks and ignore your head when it tells you to back off, be careful.

Praying makes your heart smart, if you pray a lot and ask for the chance to help others it will get so smart you'll hardly recognise it. If you cast your bread upon the waters it will come back buttered. If you hide what you have and try to keep it to yourself it will die and rust and you'll lose it. m

Lesson one in having a smart heart. Should have done this tomorrow, it's a bit of a sunday theme isn't it??


Oh the blob blog is up!

Yippee!! And please tell me.

I have just come from the doctor.....cause for celebration ? you ask, she must get a life. It is indeed cause for celebration, lovely girl doctor called me " Helen, come on through" ( worrying when your doctor calls you as if you are her best friend, anyhoo) "Wow, you look GREAT! You have really lost weight haven't you."
Love this doctor, love her, would marry her if she wasn't a girl and I wasn't married to H. Would have to be a lesbian too so perhaps I wouldn't actually marry her but would definately be her very best friend.
I explained about my damn legs which actually have spread to be restless legs, ankles, neck and arms and how every night I weep and twitch and just growl with misery. It is now 4am before this pain stops, I can't do it. Grumpy tired me.
So, I did see a rotten doctor last week who always appears so bored , so weary of fat women moaning about this and that and take this medicine woman and get the hell out of my room. ( didn't actually say that but I read minds, I could hear him think it) i looked up the medicine, an anti convulsant no less, it said quite clearly DO NOT TAKE IF YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF DEPRESSION, OR IF YOU HAVE LOST A LOVED ONE RECENTLY. Duh. Knew he was bored and not paying attention.
I really liked the part that says this will make you drowsy, loved that idea, we like drowsy, woozy, sleepy, comatose. Love that. Hate the highly addictive part ( although maybe could sell them to pay for oil change on car that has a light glaring, telling me it needs new oil, more money. )
So, I didn't take them although last night I almost did as I was desperate. I talked it out with lovely girl doctor who said she could see I was thinner, so I believe her, she said she has been researching this and indeed this IS a good medicine, that if I take it it will stop the misery, it will also stop the nerve pain that feels like freezing cold water down my right butt cheek. It will help me sleep and make me feel better. If I start to slip into a depression they will help me get off it and try something else.
I liked her so much that I admitted my few weeks of pig loving, stuffing fit to bust and then we decided that I should step on the scales that have been monitoring my weight journey. Yippee, I have only gained TWO POUNDS! Hoorah.

I am being cleansed, ewwwww the good food is riding my body of the junk, it isn't very pleasant or comfortable but it is marvellously cleansing. I am nauseatingly cheerful, albeit in a farty kind of way. I am back on the wagon again. 3 stone, 45 lbs, 47 actually. It is entirely doable. Do it I shall.
Imagine if I do it and at the same time get some sleep without spasming legs and breaking ankles. Heavens above it will be like paradise on earth in this house.

Oh and....I want to know, because I am nosey, when is your birthday, what star sign are you? Lo got me thinking.....me and she are Leo, so is H, Seth, Isaac, Eli, Jordan and Dan missed being Leo by couple of days. Sophie is a pisces.
July 24th is my birthday. So when is yours??

Oh alright...here we go, I suppose, hrumph.

Even though I woke up to the smell of just baked scones, even though there is strawberry jam and cream to go on them. I didn't eat any. I had slimfast....which actually I enjoyed, imagine.
I got dressed and instead of slipping on my too huge jeans that make me feel all righteous and thin, I pulled on a pair that actually fit, I have to undo them to get them on and when there are on, I can feel them. A reminder that although I have lost a lot of weight ( 45lbs) and gained back a bit ( 3-4lbs) I still have a very long way to go. ( 45lbs) If I felt THIS good having lost half the weight, well then I will go the whole way and feel so marvellous you might have to hold me down and smack my cheeks.
I told myself that if, after 4 weeks of eating like an idiot on self destruct mode, I have gained back only 4lbs max, imagine if I get back on track, it might start falling off again...so here I am giving it a go.
The weather is changing and that helps me, I am hopeless in the hot weather, I want picnics and ice cream. Cool weather has me making yummy vegetarian meals, baked potatoes, soups and good stuff. I can do this. I can. Yes.
I am hightailing it to Morrisons and am going to fill my house with good stuff that will cheer me and make me feel strong and full of energy. No more stodgy cross making stuff that the mouth likes and the head hates.
I shall one again be that woman who looks down on mere mortals who know not that will power and self righteousness are mine.
I will once again have people comment on how well I am doing, I will wake up ad know that I am marvellous and healthy and will get through another week of three little boys who have youth and naughtiness on their side but I have wisdom and size on mine, I just need the energy to back that up!
I will show that Julie Bo that anything she can do I can do too, excpet ride a bike pulling 2 kids, she's got me on that, I have 8 years on her, I am old, but not beaten. The scales are out Julie bo, I want those 4lbs gone by next week, reckon I can do it?
Lo..your surgery is over, you said you'd head back to WW ...gonna do it? Gonna put those cheesy burritos away? Gonna find low fat high taste foods to take it's place? Shall we 3 get out the recipe books and try to out do each other in the deliciousness stakes?
I'm on it, I'm doing it.....damn those scones, by the time I head to london to marry my H for eternity I want to feel a bit beautifuller and not cringe at having my picture taken waring white, you know that non colour that is not flattering, its is fattering. I don't want to try and hide behind a pillar or have a look on my face that says " Ack get it over with"
I want to smile and feel like I deserve to be beautiful and married to a bald headed old fart that looks gorgeous and smiley even though he eats scones and ice cream and anything he damn well likes.
So, here I am, saying all the right things and really believing them but knowing it is SO hard to start, why did I stop? Who knows but I did, stupid me. Today will be rough but I am going to find things to do to keep my hands busy so my mouth can't get them to pick up that food.
Ok...here we go. Wish me luck and tell me you're watching, I shall skulk over to my blob blog and tel you everything, I shall make your mouths water with my dinners. Here I go....I'm going, I am.....damn scones.

I bet you haven't got one of these!!

WILLIAM JAMES , my blog baby.


I bet you don't have one!! I got a baby! My first blog baby....mine!! Sort of, really he is Rachel's. She reads my blog though and is in my blog family. She had Will on september 14th and he is divine, teeny ( 7lbs) and perfect and she said I could put his picture here, on my blog.
So he is my blog baby. Don't even try to say he isn't mine ( unless you are Rachel and have to wake up in the night with him and have stitches and sore bits from having him, then you can say he isn't mine )
I would give up chocolate for a month if I could squish him, smell that skin, touch his downy hair and just breathe him in. l love babies, it's just that they grow up so fast and then they stop smelling like delicious things and start answering back.
I love babies.......this one, well he seems particularly scrumptious, don't you think?

Ho Hum.

Blah. Not miserable but flat, can't really think of much to say, or write, of course, that might be because my brain has gone a.w.o.l. I have been a complete dimwit today. I forgot how to drive, it took four goes to park at Sainsbury's FOUR. What? I am a parking whiz normally, backing that old bus into any space in a jiffy. Today I couldn't do it! Idiot on wheels all day.
I suspect, though hate to admit, this is entirely due to my lack of enthusiasm to eat well. Ugh.
I am a little bit cheered by the fact that at least my head is beginning to feel the pull back to happiness. Food happiness that is. My head is happy when my mouth eats good food. My mouth is happy when when it eats chocolate and scones ( made at 4am by H) with jam and cream.
Damn mouth seems to be stronger than the head . Mouth also seems to be in control of hands, hands feed stupid mouth, making head equally stupid and cross and unable to be cheery and clever. Stupid mouth, bad hands.
There is a meeting at weight watchers tomorrow, I want to go but am unsure whether stupid mouth and hands will let me.
I wish I had a lovely fat friend that would come with me so I could be all competetive and show her what a crappy friend I am because na na na na na I'm going to lose more than you fatso.
I wish I had a bossy fitness coach. Someone to get me on the go and back to charging my way to school on foot.
Am I strong enough to say that tomorrow I am making myself get back to the happy place I was so recently? Head is so loudly yelling YES! Mouth isn't saying anything, is very quiet and probably wishing it could think about galaxy, hmmm can't think about it without head, there you mouth, take that! head isn't going to think about chocolate, now what are you going to do about it?
Anyone got the answer? Help me out here, someone click the switch and turn that determination back on...pleeeeeaaaasssse!

OOOOOIE!! JULIE BO BOOOOLIE!

Lookie at the cookies!!!!



cutting out the cookies with the cutters Julie bo sent, we had lots of bats, almost all bats and a couple of cats and a reluctant pumpkin and a ghost, but bats, loads of bats.....


And it was fun and who cares that it is monday and the uniform is thrashed already...fun is fun and cookies well.....mmmmmmmm.


Don't be fooled by the fear on his face, he ate 6!!!



He ate 5

He ate 3 because he chose the biggest and he is the littlest.....

We didn't decorate them because we are saving those goodies for the halloween party.
THANKYOU!!!

Look at the bright side...

Look at the bright side
Feeling good is the right way to go
So keep your chin up
And brighten your soul
Keep your eye upon the doughnut
And not upon the hole.

The good thing, probably the only good thing about having a car like mine ( a rust bucket) is that when you come home, and the neighbour who never takes their bin back after they are emptied on thursday, true to form has still left it outside your back yard......well when you're darned if YOU are going to get out and move it and anyway you are so used to getting that big bus through that little gap....when you do that and misjudge it and hear a rasping grinding sound....and then get out to see you just did this



Well, it doesn't hurt so much as if it were a shiny new car, in fact it hurts your husband so little that he actually laughs. Yeah, funny.
And is that wasn't bad enough..could my reflection be any fatter? I swear that is the warped car's way of getting back at me, I am NOT that shape in real life!!

Sorry about that

I had a post yesterday it was a Sunday post and probably a great one, I had started it and was taking my time and then Sophie came home, she talked to me. One of these days I will have to video her talking so you can understand where I am coming from. There should be an olympic speciality for speed talking about nothing but throwing the odd gem in just to keep your mother on her toes.
She was telling me about her friends and the boy she liked and the books she is going to write ( talking ones probably, without punctuation) and I sort of wanted to tell her how my ambitions are less adventurous, a damn blog entry at 1am would suffice for now, but hey, it's good to talk isn't it? With your teenagers anyway, so I sat and stared into space until she told me that Al, who she had been sort of going out with and was nice to her was TWENTY SIX and she hadn't told me that bit because she thought I might mind.
I then remembered the conversation we had about how old would be the oldest she could date ( my answer had been that it was impossible to say, that actually I thought she would be better with someone a bit older, she said how about 26 and I think I snorted) She would certainly be better with someone older than her because she is hard work, but precious and needs understanding. 26 might be a bit too much older and anyway seems he has a 'missus'. Lord help me.
Then my brain farted and I went into a sort of coma.
She stopped talking, which was a blessing but my fingers had frozen into a claw, so the blog entry about lovely floaty sunday things never happened.
Sorry, I have a teenage daughter. Just the one girl and 5 boys. That is something to be very grateful for, Thankyou God.

Scarey squeezie thing.

Scarey skull.............SQUEEZE IT!!

ACK!!!! ISaac can't even stand to be in the same room!!

Ooops, better explain that one!!

Just thought i ought to explain the rather flippant comment about stabbing the first one. I did do that. Yikes. He was fine, I can't excuse what I did but I shall explain.
He left when Sophie was 10 weeks old, for another woman, who he couldn't live without, who understood him ( the originality was just mindblowing) He couldn't live without her for about 5 weeks or so until he met another woman he couldn't live without....see the pattern?
Anyhoo, while he was living without me but not the others I was not recovering from a big surgery that went horribly wrong.
I was also struggling to care for 2 little boys but not a baby girl, she was with gramma who didn't have a 9 inch gaping hole in her upper belly. The little boys had been abducted and abused but the first one said he couldn't help with that because a he didn't believe it and b) his girlfriend needed him, his girlfriend of about 10 days that is.
I moved, got my baby back, didn't get my belly back in tact though, had the gaing hole for 5 months.
I did get a particularly beautiful boyfriend , who boosted my ego but didn't mend my heart. The first one minded very much that I had said beautiful boyfriend. He minded so much that one day, after a visit with his children, he stood in my kitchen and told me that he thought I was a slut and that it might be a good idea to tell my family just what a useless piece of crap Iwas and oh.....I should probably watch my back and make sure the windows are locked at night because , hey... one night he might feel like taking the children.
Oooooh hang on...new baby...marriage break up, major surgey, complications of major surgery, kids abducted, house move....might be a bit unstable, ( with good cause) might find this the very thing that might cause a wobble.
"Right" said I" if you want to leave here alive, might be a good idea to get out of my house RIGHT NOW"
and he laughed.
He LAUGHED.
As well as laughing, he didn't move. He did ask me why I was rooting through the cutlery drawer, so I explained that I was looking for the carving knife that wouldn't bend.
Amazing in a way that after 5 years he hadn't quite grasped the fact that when I say something, I mean it. He stood there and laughed at me again and reminded me that he could take the children any time he wanted.
Oh dear. So, with my mind a bit unstable but my righteous indignation in perfect form.....I whacked him with the unbendy knife in the shoulder. I think I had enough presence of mind to know that would hurt, but not kill him. I was right. The knife however, did bend.

So......there we are, my one and only foray into a life of crime. Inexcusable, but all turned out well because he actually understood, suddenly that he had gone too far and that maybe he might be well advised to think before he threatened me again.

Now, that was the past...into the present we go. Darn it.. if real life hasn't been happening all day and I seem to have missed out on some kind of internet drama. Isn't that just the story of my life.

Real life wasn't too much fun today.....I can't somehow stand even to write about it but it all evened out by the end of the day, as it does and what made it all OK was being calm. No rushing in yelling and accusing but just stepping back, taking a breath and then some reasonable talking on all sides to discover what caused all hell to break loose with seemingly no warning.
Once I ( yes, naturally I was in the middle) spoke to the others and heard the whole story, it was relatively easy to restore peace and harmony in our home.

I think there is a moral to that little tale.

Be calm, ask questions, listen and talk. It works.

The boy survey.

THE BOY SURVEY
WHAT IS YOUR MOST FAVORITE CRAYOLA CRAYON? Crayons are the pitts, Isaac takes the paper off, Eli breaks them, Eli scribbles on everything with them and they smell, horrible smell..how can Eli eat them?

WHEN YOU COLOR IN COLOR BOOKS, DO YOU JUST COLOR OR DO YOU COLOR AND OUTLINE YOUR COLORING? I outline first and then colour and I colour with a 'u' thankyou.

ROLAIDS OR TUMS? Gaviscon.


FAVORITE MEN'S COLOGNE? Farenheit, always.

CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN OR CLOSED? Closed and if you are in the same room as me you'd better eat with your mouth closed because if you don't, my head explodes.

DO YOU COVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SNEEZE OR COUGH? When in company, of course, on my own? Sneezing loud and hard is most satisfying.

HOW OFTEN A DAY DO YOU REALLY WASH YOUR HANDS? Alot.
Endlessly


WHAT YOU SEXIEST MOST FAVORITE CAR? Who knows? One that works, one that doesn't stink of burned rubber everytime you go in it, pretty sure it'd be someone elses' car.But this one...THIS ONE



I nearly kissed it when I saw one in the street last week.




WHAT DO YOU HATE MOST ABOUT YOUR COMPUTER? Damn thing has to be manually connected to the internet, if it was H's computer he would have fixed it by now.


HAVE YOU EVER KILLED ANYONE? No, but I stabbed my ex.

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO? I don't think so, would rather God dealt with it.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN BATTERED HUSBANDS? Yes.

DO YOU LIKE BATTERED FRENCH FRIES? No. ugh.


DO YOU EVER GET MAD AT YOURSELF FOR BEING SO ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET? Nope.


DO CLOTHES AND TRASH PILE UP WHILE YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET.. Laundry..I hate doing laundry in the day, I do all my laundry at night, when everyone sleeps, I love doing it then, peaceful and satisfying and no little boys helping and messing it all up.
H does all the dishes.


WHAT DISH DO YOU HATE COOKING THE MOST? Mixed grill, too many things cooking at differet times!

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? The mirror has two faces.



WHATS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE MUSIC TRAC? Jordan plays this one song over and over...it's called the whistle song, I love it, wish I didn't know the words though!


DO YOU ASSOCIATE MUSIC WITH PEOPLE YOU LIKE? sometimes


WHAT WAS PUBLIC OR PRIVATE HIGH SCHOOL LIKE? Grammar school ,hated it, was bullied. Still hate the smell of school, makes my stomach heave.

WHATS IT LIKE TO HAVE A REAL FATHER AND MOTHER AND GRANDPA AND GRANDMA? Priceless.

DO YOU PLAY YOUR MUSIC LOUD IN YOUR CAR? Look, the damn car hardly works, you think the CD player works? In fact its so old it has a tape player that doesn't work. Damn car.


DO YOU HATE GOING TO THE STORE? Only if I don't have much money, I hate it when I have to tally up how much everything is and put stuff back.


WHAT MAKES YOU SNEEZE? bright lights.


WHAT WAS IT LIKE HAVING GIRLFRIENDS AND DUDE FRIENDS (NOT ROMANTIC) TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU? Wonderful, life should be full of these memories for when you are old.

WHAT DO YOU HATE MOST IN A PERSON: WHINING, CRYING, OR RAGING? Raging. H just did that, he does that when he skips his meds.It makes me dislike him with a frightening intensity.

HAVE YOU EVER JUST POPPED AND DIDNT KNOW WHERE YOU WAS OR HOW YOU GO THERE? When I drive.


DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL SELF IMAGE? Honest and kind.


DO YOU LIKE BLONDE HAIR OR DARK HAIR ON A GUY? Dark Hair


WHAT DOES A WATERMELON REMIND YOU OF? pips and american movies.

DO YOU SEE FACES ON FURNITURE, LIKE A RADIO, DOES IT LOOK LIKE EYES AND WHATEVER? Of course.


WHATS THE BEST THING YOU LIKE ABOUT LO? Her absolute joy in life. Her confidence.

LACEY? she is SO witty, makes me laugh all the time.

H? His patience, usually just not today.


LIL SOUTHERN GIRL? Gentleness


JULIE Q? her patience and gentleness. Also the way she loves her man.

JULIE JULIE BO BOOLIE? Generosity.

KING? The little boy inside and his honesty with himself and others.

DAWN? I want to go out with Lo and Dawn, I want that belly laughing that goes on.


RICKY? He looks out for the boy.


LOU? So ladylike and she says such nice things to me!

WHATS YOU FAVORITE GIRLS NAME Ruby or Scarlett.

FAVORITE BOYS NAME? Ezra.

FAVORITE KIND OF DAY? Cold crisp smokey fall day..its like that right now, no coats and no sweating. Heaven for me.


FAVORITE COSTUME? dunno


IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE FOR A DAY WHO WOULD IT BE? Sharon Osbourne.


FAVORITE GAME? I really HATE games.


DO YOU EVER GO BACK AND BECOME THAT LITTLE PERSON INSIDE YOU? Nope, I don't need to, the little girl in me was happy every day, safe and loved...don't need to redo any of that.

WHATS YOUR WORST DREAM? I always dream I am lost and can't find my way back to my kids.

DO YOU BELLIEVE IN ALIENS? Yes I do.


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ABDUCTED? No. My boys were.


HAVE YOU EVER FANTASIZED ABOUT BEING KIDNAPPED? No, too scared.


AS A CHILD DID YOU LIKE OPPOSITE GENDER TOYS? Yep.

DO YOU GO TO THE TOY ISLE WHEN YOU AT WALMART? I used to.

FAVORITE COLOR WASH CLOTH AND TOWEL? White


HARD OR SOFT HOUSE SHOES? No shoes in the house. Ever.


WHY DONT YOU PAINT PICTURES? because I do pencil ones.


WHY DONT YOU SEW? I dont have a sewing machine. But I can sew. Same as Lo.


"TENNIS SHOES" FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD, WITH OUR WITHOUT SOCKS? With socks. always...


DO YOU ITCH? 24 hours a day, I am on medication for it for life.


ARE YOU EXCESSIVELY THIRSTY? No I am not diabetic.


DO YOU LIKE POTATOES AND IF SO HOW? Yes. YES damn it.

WHAT THINGS DO YOU COLLECT? Staues of mothers and little boys.

I SKIPPED THESE QUESTIONS BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME THINGS PEOPLE SO DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME!!!


YOU EVER SNEAK OUT THE WINDOW AFTER YOUR PARENTS WENT TO BED? Of course not. I was a very good girl.


WHAT THE FUNNIEST THING YOU EVER LAUGHED AT STONED? Can anyone imagine me stoned?


YOU EVER BEEN ON A DOUBLE DATE ? Never so the 2nd part of this question didn't count!



HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO WALK HOME AFTER A DATE PUT YOU OUT OF THE CAR BECAUSE HE/SHE WANTED YOU TO DO IT AND YOU DIDNT WANT TO? I can honestly say that every man I ever dated was so respectful, even now boys that I knew then say that they would never have thought of pushing me.

DO YOU GOT INGROWN TOENAIL? YES!!!

HAS ANYONE EVER STEPPED ON IT? Eli, three times a day at least!!


WHAT HAPPENED? I YELLED! He laughs.


FIGHT OR FLIGHT? Fight probably.


IN PUBLIC WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE BELCHES? Laugh


FARTS? AS above.


HAVE YOU EVER SLIPPED AND FALLEN IN A STORE? No


THOSE BELL RINGING SALVATION ARMY PEOPLE PISS YOU OFF?
No.....but my stepson hates them, he used to get me up in front of the store manager all the time for being abusive.


HAVE YOU EVER LIED TO THEM AND TOLD THEM YOU AINT GOT NO MONEY? No!


DO YOU ANSWER THE DOOR WHEN SOMEONE BANGS ON IT LIKE THEY GONNA LOCK YO ASS UP!? It doesn't happen.


IF YOU COULD GET A NEW HOBBY WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano playing.


DO YOU WRITE LONG HAND LETTERS? Not any more.


YOU LIKE CANDY OR FLOWERS FOR VALENTINES? I like it all.I just don't get it.


WHAT YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR? Lots of stuff and all my kids here.


GRANNY PANTIES, HIGH CUT HIP OR BIKINIS? Granny panties they are most comfy.



YOU LIKE MEN IN JOCKS OR BOXER? Boxers...briefs??? ewwwwww.

WHAT WOULD YOU WANT YOUR NEXT CHILD TO BE IF IT WAS GOING TO BE ONE? A girl one

WHAT WOULD YO NAME HIM OR HER? Ruby or Hannah.

DO YOU LOVE TO BE PUBLICALLY AFFECTIONATE? Oh my yes.yes. yes.

ALL DAY SPA EXPERIENCE OR ALL DAY LIMO RIDE? I 'll take the Limo ride ....to London.


FAVORITE CEREAL? Oatmeal with brown sugar


MALE OR FEMALE TEDDYBEAR? Neither

YOU SCARED OF MICE? yes



OK THATS A WRAP, YOUVE BEEN SWARHUMPLED! Hooray, a first time for everything.


KISS KING And right back at ya!

Awwwwwww. Look, see?

My dad this is.......
and so is this, with his brother.....he's the little one.
And how completely wonderful is this one?


what a mover!!!


I am marginally cheered and even more sad, all at once.

Tell me joke.

Because I am having one of those days, I am miserable and weepy and with no good reason. Just time of the month....rent time. I have the rent and so that's not a worry but until next week, nothing else and I so like money and like spending it even more, even if it's just on petrol so I can drive and not walk, or food so I can eat if I get to hand over money I am happy.
Sometimes, being the boss is not so much fun, I get grumpy every month the week before the 28th....but it has to be said that I am really alright the rest of the month, I have a rather nice time so it could be worse, we're not poor or anything.
The other good thing about being miserable is that...look, I know why I am sad and grumpy and bored...I am not feeling as though the world will end, I can see that I could quite easily be lifted out of my slump, I am NOT DEPRESSED , how marvellous is that? If I'm not careful, just knowing I am not depressed could cheer me up and we dont want that now do we? We need to keep people in the house on their toes and remember that I am fragile and should be pandered to and all that stuff ( oh as if !!) I have some extra money coming next week, so I shall be hippety doodah then, because I am materialistic, sort of.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness was stupid, because no matter how miserable I am , if I have money I can have fun in my low down life.
It may not buy the actual happiness but you can be so much more comfortable in your misery. I'm all for that. Even if you can't have fun, you can buy chocolate and argue with that, go on, try!
I am such a brat, I have had a parcel almost every day this week and still I whine.
Sorry.
I think. I'd know if I wasn't so grumpy, I'm sure I am sorry because I have been so well raised , I just really quite enjoy grumbling sometimes.

So, tell me a joke. A funny one. Or send me money, I'm not fussy. Just cheer me the hell up. Please.

this made me laugh

BALLOOOOOOOOONS!!!

the balloons don't show up so well on my table but they are SO COOL!!! Thankyou Christina.
I had to tell the post office lady what was going on today, she thought I was a bit mad sending all these parcels to the U.S and Canada.....now she thinks I am about the coolest person on the street, actually in the town, country even. Which I am , of course.
Eli is always here when the parcels come and he jums up and down saying "HALLOWEEEEEEEEN , quick put it in a halloween room!"

i am still getting clicks on my map..the world to the right, thankyou, keep a-clicking !

This and that.....and Auntie Anne

Thanks Jenn and Kim!


This arrived today and had been busted open then repacked in a huge plastic sack. EXCITING!! I can't tell you how it feels to come home and see a box or parcel or jiffy bag waiting. I won't need to tell you because you will all be getting some right back ( although can't post any more this week, rent's due and all, imagine if we end up having no home to hold the party in!! ) after 28th it will be all systems go and the rest will be on their way, I bet I have to resend Jenn's though as it looks like I just wrote 'Helen' on all the parcels...ACK!

I wanted to write about Auntie Anne today but I took a picture and either she moved or I laughed and the chances are she moved AND I laughed and it's blurry. You need a picture of Auntie Anne because you might not believe she is real if I don't out her picture up.
Auntie Anne is my mum' sister, she is 71 but I think that's how old her body is...well most of it anyway, he hips are veritable newborns, 6 months and 1 year old, they are bouncy and youn, like her personality, they are quiet though, unlike her mouth.
It is impossible to believe that mum and Anne are sisters, there is a slight resemblance in looks, more as they get older, but that is where it starts and ends.
It is unheard of, no WAS unheard of , for Jordanto be rendered speechless, today changed that.
"Jords, have you met Auntie Anne? You should meet Auntie Anne, everybody should, we will go on the way to Torquay."
We did. Auntie Anne came sprinting ( sort of, great new hips by the way)
down the hallway as we came in the house, she had on her petticoat. Just her petticoat ( and bra probably)
"HELLO!! Ooooh who are you? Blimey you're tall, how old are you? you're lovely,who's this? oh Isaac you're beautiful, hello Helen...look at me, not dressed, never mind I'm all clean"
That's Auntie Anne.
Now, lets talk about blood and genes.
My mum is a lady, she is peaceful and gentle and quiet and reserved.
I'm not. I think, when I was concieved Auntie Anne must have been out, I think I was supposed to be hers, but she was busy, or out and so I somehow got sent to my mum but with Auntie Anne's genes. I think they were watered down though because although I am like her, she's so much better at it than me.
I can talk the hind leg off a donkey but sometimes I have to breathe and sometimes I sort of know it might be best not to talk. I think the gift somehow skipped a generation because SOPHIE IS Auntie Anne, may we never be out in public with them both at the same time.
I really don't think that there is any of my mum in either Sophie or me, how did that happen?
Isaac, the child who is impossible to suss, took to her right away, he did sort of scoot past her very quickly, but he looked at her and for heaven's sake, he SPOKE TO HER! He likes her, he thinks she is funny, although he did whisper to Seth, as we met them from their car after a trip to Teignmouth, " Seff, mind that old lady, she's funny."
Seth loved her too, Eli is always a bit miffed at anyone that is at gramma's house, because he is meant to be the 'be all and end all' there and so he'll be darned if he will make a fuss of any usurper.
We had a lovely morning visit with Auntie Anne and her petticoat, no point getting dressed when we'd already seen it all, and we nearly did see it all because she showed us her scars. Fair enough, I flashed my boob scars when I first had them, so proud was I to have such pert new bosoms.
Jordan might be scarred for life but hey ho...his girlfriend caught me in my knickers last night, what goes around comes around as they say. Actually, it would have been avoidable last night, except I woke up for a wee, paddled down towards the loo and saw what I thought was Sophie going downstairs, so I stood and stared, trying to focus in the dark, by the time I realised it wasn't Sophie, she'd been startled by such a sight and ( see I AM like Auntie Anne) well, she'd seen it, she'll get over it.
Oh ballderdash, look I've told you about Auntie Anne- with no photo. Never mind, she's here for a week, there'll be more to tell I'm sure. Take it as pictures are to follow.

OH OH!! Talking of pictures, dad's brother Barry, is a photographer, today , Leah lent me a CD he made with 126 pictures of dad on it, from baby to the end....every kind of picture, nothing could be more precious and I am going to download and sort and weep and play and soon I will show you some of these wonderful pictures.

Don't forget to click on the little world in my links on the right and show me where you are. It's fun, thankyou!

Oh...for Lacey, 5 weird things about me, meme.

1. I have to have moving air on my face, always, even in winter, window open, fan on, whatever.

2. I am obsessed with smells. I worry that I smell. I smell things other people can't smell. H smells beautiful.

3. I 'click' my eyes, apparantly it looks like I could be giving a 'come on', I have to make them pop, it's my nervous tic.

4. Ha..the answer I wrote for this made even me think I was weird, you'll never know what it was!

5. I envy people with 9 or more children, I think however that 6 is enough for me, noise is my least favourite thing!!

I tag...... Claire, Julie Q and Julie Bo! You're it!

My Isaac, divine.

I know I must bore you with the kid tales all the time, but I have a lot of kids.....so, lots of tales.
Isaac is 5, you know that, he has a form of autism called Aspergers syndrome, you know that. What you may not know is I am a scardey cat about shots , particularly with my Isaac, he had the first lot of shots at some ridiculously young age, and was sick, very sick. His little leg ballooned and he was sick for a long time, I think his leg was swollen for 3 weeks. So...you can imagine I was hardly in a rush for the next batch.
On christmas eve ( so he was 4 months) I had to take him to the emergency room with an ear infection.
In the UK, we have the shots and the health visitor marks it down and no-one ever asks you again if they had them. It is not compulsory, hey can go to school without having a shot....anyhoo, we took Isaac to the hospital where I was treated like a criminal for not having had his shots, they told me I had one week to get them done before they reported me for child neglect. Lovely.
He should have had a pre-school booster, you know, before he started school. He had that today , 9 months after he started school. I hate it.
We had to pin him down at the dentist last month because , hell, she wanted to look at him, up close and even TOUCH him, he screamed blody murder, which was handy because then she could see his teeth beautifully, something she couldn't do when he was tight lipped and big eyed and staring at me with that heart rending plea in his eyes.

We had warned him that it was shot day because kids with autism really like warnings on things, getting him out of the bath takes 4 countdowns. He didn't want shots ( yeay Isaac) but was persuaded ( nay, bribed) into it, I said we would go for ice cream afterwards, he said no, could he choose a treat from the halloween hoard.
In we went. Me and my Isaac, who is, though I say so myself so beyond beautiful it quite makes my heart stop to look at him sometimes.



We cheerfully told Karen, the nurse, that Isaac has trouble with people touching him and that he was very brave because he said she could touch him to give him shots.
Th bad thing for Isaac, is that because he looks the way he does and in dear old blighty, his colouring is a bit out of the norm, people want to look at him and when he walks into a place, people DO look and then almost always say
"*gasp* just how gorgeous are you?" I think he would love to enjoy that but.......yeesh, it just hurts him.
Sleeve up, right arm, snuggle mummy... JAB....the boy didn't even blink. Karen and I sort of stared at him and waited for a delayed reaction. None. Wow.
Oh...hang on, why is mummy turning me around..no I don't want that sticky tape on my arm, thankyou mummy for reading my mind, sleeve down, arm rubbed..better. But I don't like this turn around deal....darn it they are going for another one..pleading eyes and even a whispered, no, mouthed, but no sound " I don't.." lips tight look ahead JAB..not a blink, twitch or even a frown. No bandaid, no.......no sweets, pleading eyes....what Isaac, what do you need???

rub





my





sleeve.

This little boy is perfect.

BOW DOWN TO LO!!!!

CAUSE SHE MADE MY HALLOWEEN BLOG!! I gave her my password and said "give me orange" and she DID !! THANKYOU GIRL!!

Bad canadian post people, they sent back Julie bo's 4 packs of coffee because I didn't write my surname!! I put my address, put HELEN and not my surname, she knows it anyway sheesh!! SO it is back here and they want me to pay AGAIN!! Damn! Also, I sent Jenn's package yesterday, did I write my surname or was I chummy Helen on that one because HELL that was a heavy one! So nearly two weeks to not get there!! ACK ACK ACK!

I am loathe to take away my little map check post.....please keep sticking your pins in, I love it. Canada be prepared to stand on each others heads because on my google map, you all look like the worst case of piles known to man!! There are LOADS of you all clumped together like little blogging dots, hoorah ( actually, I think I should say Huzzah perhaps?) for Canada except the darn postal customs people.

Oh and Kaje!! You are so near to me, I feel all sort of canadian ( because they all live near each other and go to lunch and things) to have a reader so near. Hello, will you be my friend?
I might even learn to pronounce your name and everything. Do we not live in the most divine part of the world? Is my blog playing silly buggers and changing text size without my permission?


My little map thingy.
I stole it from Lacey...look in my links and see that little world thing. click on that and you can show me where you are in this world!
Even if you never leave a comment, will you do that because it would look very pretty with lots of little teeny people on it. My google thingy shows me that I have people all over the world...Korea, canada ( really loads in canada), new zealand, U.S.A. mexico. All over the world..so exciting. Can't wait to see the hits on this new baby!! THANKYOU. My ego awaits you.

Hoarding.....it has its benefits!

So, last year, when it was neally halloween and H was a bit slumpy and quiet in a 'I am sad' kind of way, rather than an ' I am always quiet' kind of way. We said " right next year" and you know the rest.
Maybe I fogot to tell you, because I sort of didn't think myself that shortly after halloween, we saw all the left over party stuff at a ridiculous price. 20 p for this, 45p for that...so we bought it, because we said we would have a party.
I put it downstairs in the bogey hole and thought not of it, a time or two since then I have seen stuff reduced and bought it and today, when my 3 parcels arrived, I thought "hey, might be fun to go into the bogey hole, my wardrobe, under the bed, dining room cupboard and see what the ghostly heck we have all together"
WANNA SEE???? WANT a look at the queen size bed in the spare room , sorry, epi center for operation halloween ??




I probably should beg England's pardon, because I had no idea we had stuff like this....what do people do with it because we never see a party, we never get trick or treaters.....bizarre. I also always forget what I bought 9 months ago and hid...so exciting when you remember and drag it all out!
THIS YEAR England will know about halloween, at least in our street.
I don't want you to think, for even a second."hrumph, what did she ask US for help for? " because this is going to be so splendid and have such love in it, such memories and joy.....and we can't get half the stuff you guys can, I am so thrilled with the candy and ewwwwwww body parts, the shiny things and decorations.....it isn't over yet and I will of course, take pictures when everything is here, when it is put up, when people are here, when it's over. you will all be praying for christmas because you'll be sick of halloween!!
Also, well we have a huge old house and have invited half the country..we need a TON of stuff, there will never be too much, honestly.

Thankyou SO much for joining in with this, our family is buzzing from babies to old farts. We will make it a tradition. We love it!

LOOK WHAT I GOT!!!

JULIE -BO, LACEY and BRENDA... THANKYOU!!!! WHOOHOO!!
Today , I sent out Christina and Brenda's parcels......2 more on thursday!! Oh no letters inside because for some stupid reason they charge more if a letter is included!! Sorry!

All blogged out with no place to flow...

Can you believe it? Can't think of a thing to say, apart from Jordan has signed up for the army, he oculd be gone by January, he has applied for the artilliary, yes, front line guns and tanks and things. Ye gads. Think not of it til we get the papers. He has stopped drinking, he has been running and eating and sleeping and I am trying not to think about how healthy and strong his body will be, for horrible people to shoot at. Call me a mother why don't you?
Do we ever stop thinking like a mummy, you know, that " just try and hurt my baby, come on, see what you get ..if you think you're hard enough" ?
I went to collect him from the recruiting office and the mother in me ( the one that gets a bizarre kind of thrill from making my big kid cringe, just a bit...) that mother so wanted to ask, with a bit of a serious face, if people would be shouting at my boy because he doesn't like that and if you give him chocolate he will be a good boy and do what you want. But I didn't.I do feel happy that he is happy...that he has a purpose and a goal, that he has a future he is excited about. The rest, well, what can I do? I gave him life, can' t live it for him. I just have to smile and tell him he is great, encourage his desire to be an adult and independant and cry when he goes. I appreciate that he could just as easily get knifed in a nightclub as shot in Iraq. Lovely. Nothing like a mothers worries!!

I can tell you that our life here is pretty darn hunky dory, my husband is glorious, my kids are loud and happy, busy and clever.
We are so excited about Halloween, SO EXCITED!! The chocolate parcels are ready to mail and I am taking some deep breaths in order to prepare myself for the cost. I am going to do them 2 at time....which will be about £30ish.......there are 9 to mail, that's big pennies but worth every one. They will all get out and I will let you know when yours is on its way.
Kim....haven't found the DR who books yet, I was daft enough to go into W.H Smiths on a saturday, lost the will to live at the size of the queue and came home!! I will keep looking, honestly!
The reaction we have had about the party is unbelievable, it is becoming a talking point, we have to do this in a SPECTACULAR way!! WHOOHOO. The spare room is the epi centre of operation HALLOWEEN!
Watch his space.
Apart from that, nothing to say. Sorry.

The girl child. She is my child.....she isn't a woman. No.

Would you look at this girl, is she not quite beautiful??
I took this while she was busy, because she is wicked and when I try to take her picture, she tries to freak me out by posing in a sexy manner, of course she hasn't a clue what she is doing,
















She is just copying things she has seen in ...on...where?? When did the disney channel start showing stuff like this?

Can you grasp where Jordan is coming from? She can't seem to understand why her dad has a seizure every time he sees her....she is incensed that he tells her to go and get changed and put on a sweater and stop with the make up.... anyone understand why a brother and dad would find this....



Ha ha..yeah right, like I am actually going to post a picture of her being a hoochie on the internet!! If my friends want to see what I am talking about, email me and I will show you what a stinker she is....anyone else, forget it, she's my baby!!

so, she laughed, smiled and then cried....

Today really was great, so I'm going to tell you more, lucky you!!

Jordan, who is getting closer and close to joining the army, came home from a run, just as most of the kids had arrived, I always feel a bit show offy and proud when mums and kids realise that these big people are mine, never more so than today when Jordan threw himself on the sofa, a bit hot and out of breath....from out of no-where we saw a little girl, 6, run at great speed toward him,
Jords managed to say " oops, I feel a bit vulnerable" ( might have been the laid back, legs akimbo, delicates exposed pose he was in) just before she hurled herself, full pelt onto him. "WHEYHEY!!!!! "Thought the other kids and in seconds, they all leapt at him, he stood up and they were like a bucket load of leeches, hanging from every gangly extremity ( I mean arms and legs, naturally) back and neck... and he flung them off like unwanted bugs, right onto the sofa. I wish you could bottle that kind of joy, those laughs and keep them in your top drawer for days when life stinks. I laughed.

Sophie and I went to pick up take away food for dinner, Indian for H and I and Chinese for her, she went to get hers just opposite where I was. She came to find me and was glowing. She is beautiful these days, growing up and feeling stronger and more confident, that shows. So, she told me how as she was coming out of the chinese restaurant, a young man came up to her and said
"I so hope you don't mind, but please tell me you aren't seeing anyone, you are so lovely"
She told him that she was seeing someone and asked his name. He told her and then said..."oh, but it was worth a try wasn't it?"
What worth those kind of moments? Times when a chance comment can make you feel like a million dollars. I made her......clever me. I smiled.

I went to Asda at 8.30 this evening to make sure we had everything we need for tomorrow, we hate to shop on sundays and so I shot out to gget some apples and stuff ( not scones or strawberry jam but how did they find their way into my trolley???) hey, cool, ready cooked chickens down to £1.45, grab one for cold chicken salad tomorrow , in fact grab 2 because mum loves cold chicken too....ho hum pay and leave. Drive to mums, walk up the drive, walk in the door.
My dad isn't there.
Duh, is 6 months since he died. SIX MONTHS?! I have been to the house almost every day since, he has never been there.
Every DAY...never the evening, definately never a saturday evening.....he so wasn't there. I missed him so hard it was like a dull punch.
Grief is such a terrible thing and although we all still feel so calm about him being where he is, its so damn inconvenient, so bloody sad, so hideously painful not to have him here. It isn't any easier at all, not even a little bit, in fact sometimes it's worse, harder because it's like sand through my fingers, I can't hold onto him, can't smell him anywhere, can't quite hear him and as time flies, he gets further away.
My mum's house is so peaceful, walking in is like taking your shoes off ( which we do because she has beautiful new carpet now) and in the evenings it is particularly lovely. What a big old hole where the dad one used to be though. No telly on in the lounge and no smells of bangers and mash on saturday.
I cried, there, and all the way home and still a bit right now. Pppppttttttttttttttt.

You can bring Rose, with the turned up nose, but don't bring that one.

It is done, our spontaneous DVD party, it was glorious and loud ( oh joy, get 19 kids aged between 3 and 7 and tell them to shhhhhhhhhhhhh, listen, stand up, we have to do something before the movie, listen..shhhhhhh are you ready? you have to JUMP AND YELL AND GET THAT ALL OUT!!!) ear bleed anyone? Have you ever tried actually giving children permission to do the very thing they are told NOT to do 300 times a day, see those looks...worth the ear bleed, it really is.
I took not one picture. Not a one. Because they aren't my children and so it doesn't feel right to put their pictures here. Also, because 'that one' was here. God bless him and his most bedazzling and beautiful eyes.
that one is called 'Naughty that one' at school, when you stand outside his classroom waiting for the kids to come out you will hear his name called, quite firmly, very often. The children have named him naughty 'that one' because there are 2 or 3 with the same name and well, that's what kids do, big 'that one', little 'that one' and naughty 'that one'.
I have oft wondered if 'that beautiful one' gets invited anywhere, I think I learned today that he may, but just the once.
The party was from 12 til 3...3.30 max. Be kind parents, come on....all these kids? Sugar? Pick them up after 3 hours.
It was mentioned that we could all safely put money on the fact that 'that one's' parents would be last to collect their loved one. At 4 I called and as cheerily as I could muster said " Hello, 'that one's' daddy? Were you coming to get him?"
" Oh, yes, I can.....yes, right"
One of the other parents came to collect their child and she is a dinner lady at school, such a look of, was it admiration? Astonishment? Then " Wow, 'that one's' here, did you mean for that to happen? "
I sort of longed to say but of course, we are marvellous and appreciate that all children are precious, but had to admit that actually , it was all so last minute that we threw invites at every child in sight and 'that one' caught one .
He wasn't horrible, he wasn't rude, he was just , well, there...and rough. He took hats and ran away and he kept escaping and going upstairs to bang doors. He is a snatcher and a teaser and the other kids are remarkably patient but would suddenly howl in frustration. I spent a lot of time finding 'that one'. He was in beds and managed to tip out 5 toy boxes in about 12 seconds. Every now and then 'that one' and I would sit in another room and chat while he calmed down and I learned that his mummy tells him he has beautful eyes but no-one else does. His toys are broken because he breaks them, he says he isn't going to be good at anything when he grows up because he just isn't.
He was lovely when everyone else went home. He sat in the dirt and dug. He made his beautiful new adidas shoes dusty and his hands and face filthy and we said well, what else is a chap to do?
Baths and washing machines make all that so unimportant I always say.
We had a hungry boy who just couldn't seem to get full, even after 4 chocolate bars, 2 ice creams, 2 packets of crisps, popcorn and several cans of pop..poor boy, poor parents I bet he pukes later.
We had some lovely girlie ones who were splendid and I found myself having to imagine them in 10 years time in order to stop myself wishing I had more girl children in my life.
We had the regulars who know us so well that they could almost be ours, we had ones that you just want to squish til they beg for mercy because they are just so completely perfect.
They have all gone home and Mr H cleaned up while our sons had a warm bubbly bath. It is very peaceful here at 5.17.
In a little while I am going to go to the yummy Indian takeaway and get a veritable feast of all things spicy, because H loves it and he deserves a treat for being the great one today.
I think the boys might well crash in a post sugar slump good and early tonight, X factor and laptops are the plan for the evening.
Hoorah for the memories we made today ..oh and we sorted out the two halloween parties on the same day worry, Heidi is having a Bonfire night do instead, so they can come to out halloween party and we can go to their Nov 5th bash . YEAY!! We started to mention the party and there was great excitement...we will become known as the party people, me and H, of all things!!

We've gone a bit mad.

It has to be a 'could he be more splendid ?'post.H, of course.
The thing about him is this, my mum says that H and I, well, in any given situation, I react, as in What???? Wassat? What do you mean? WAHHHHHHH, hit something, run away, laugh, you know, that kind of stuff. H, well, he appears not to notice anything is going on, he responds. He listens, takes it in, thinks on it and then works on it, without a word usually.
I rant, when I am emotional ( emotions? why? what's that all about?) what is in my head comes out. Ouch. Ahh relief. Feels better to get that off your chest doesn't it?
H. He thinks. I have learned as the years go by to think before I say what I am feeling, then if I am sure I feel it, then I say it, nicely. I have learned this because the H has a memory like an elephant and a heart like a thing with a big heart.
I told him about Acora and the not being much fun comment, I told him because it is true and we all know it and accept it and love the very bones of his unspontaneous self. As the words came out of my mouth I saw a fleeting look of pain, really fleeting. Not a word, not a sound.
Very quietly he has become a new man. Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I have seen him in bumper boats doing spinning turns getting soaked, i have watched him laughing and playing. He is beyond enthusiastic about the halloween party and today..today.....get a load of this.
I went with Jordan to the army recruiters again. I looked 'roun dthe town while he did his stuff. Time flew and it was time to get the boys from school. We drove right to the school , parked up and went to the classroom. H was there...hmmm strange, happy day, mummy, daddy and Jordan all there to meet the gitlets.
" well" said H, "I thought this would be good, what do you think? "A pile of invites all printed inviting just about every classmate to our house tomorrow at noon, for movies, popcorn, ice cream and mayhem. We split we ran we handed out invites, we followed kids out of the gates......
Our house will be filled to the brim tomorrow at noon. The phone has been off the hook with acceptances. H was spontaneous, can you believe that? He wants 30 kids here with the mess and the noise.
Tonight I love him even more than chocolate, tomorrow, well ask me then because I might be a bit less fond of him, 30 kids under 7 with popcorn and sugar laden fizzy-pop. Frightening thought.

I am taking Eli-oh out in the morning so that H and the boys can turn our sitting room into a movie theatre. The memories. Is there ever a price you can out on those?

It is great to be in love with the person you are married to. Hoorah, for H... even if this has to be the most insane act of spontaneity ever!

Oh and I was so overwhelmed by my feelings for him that I stood in front of him in nothing but my underwear, with the lights on and everything...that'll teach him .

I love it when a plan comes together

When Sophie was born, I sighed and told her.....you have 2 big brothers girlie, good luck when you want boyfriends.
Last night, Jordan saw Sophie in the supermarket with a group of friends,are he went over to say hello and noticed that she was holding hands with one of the boys.
"Hello....you are? Cool, and you are holding Sophie's hand because???"
Sophie said " because he is my boyfriend"
"awww, that's nice. Sophie is a good girl.She is going to stay a good girl. Don't even think of taking her back to your place, or anyone's place. Don't even think about her not being a good girl. I might have to break you. Do you understand? Oh good, nice to meet you. Bye.... Bye Soph!"

She was mad and sort of pleased all at the same time. It must be nice to have a huge great brother that is pretty much known around the town for not being afraid and has been seen on rather too many occassions to look after himself. Pretty good to know he is looking out for her, but it must be as maddening to her as it is a relief to me, to know that he actually means it. I love it when a plan comes together!!!

bordering on the obscene!!

I bought this chocolate today.....I went to a cash and carry and just went for it......this picture doesn't show just how glutenous I must have seemed buying all this...I wil add it to what I bought for Lo, Emma still gets the Yorkie stuff ( not for girls!) but the rest will all get mixed up and shared out...excpet for the box on the end, see that box
this one....

that says there are 60 bars of Curlie wurlies..that's for the Toph.
Lacey they had foxes mints AND the fruit ones too so you get those.
I will have to stagger the mailing..that's the killer, when you mail your stuff and almost faint remember that I am mailing out ( I think, haven't done the final count yet) about 10 boxes/ jiffies! ARGH!! SO exciting..yet frightening.
Let me tell you, H isn't given to excitement in a visable way, but THIS has him almost jiggy. THIS IS SO COOL!!!!!
Someone that lives really close to me logs in a lot..they know about this party, I don't think it is Sara Mac, she is even closer to me than this other person,( Sara you are SO coming with the 3 deliciousnesses, that are J. A and A. and husband of course!!) so..if you live in Devon and you know me...reveal yourself. COME TO MY PARTY!! If you are a scary person who might gatecrash and steal my laptop ( my new one that H bought me..this one I am using)...don't come, please. I am afraid of scarey laptop stealers.
Donna please come( I'll make you a pumpkin pie, I will!!).....Heidi, poo to you for having a party on the same day, we want you here and R and C.....Julia, come to MINE I asked first!!

It is NOT impetigo.

Cool title isn't it? I'll get back to that soon, so much to say today..where to begin?
How about sleeping til 11 am? HOW ABOUT THAT?! Last night was bad, the spasms were so bad my whole body was wracked til 4am, I was tired...soooooo tired! I did get up and see the boys off to school and grandma''s then I went back to bed and slept a blissful sleep, the kind that leaves you puffy eyed and creased.....glorious, when I got up I was ready for anything. So anything it was, I got so much done! Want to know what I did?
Well, I went shopping and found ( in marks and spencers no less, how posh....) 4 pairs of PJs, 3 shirts, and 2 pairs of trousers for £22)
I went to the agency we rent the house through. I told them about our shower room floor that is spongey and about to fall through into the kitchen ( I so hope I'm not in the shower at the time, athough it would make the very best blog entry, I can live without that, thankyou)
I called a hospice and said that I want to volunteer.
Then, THEN I called and booked our room for when H and I get married again, did you read that. DID you? Well its true, H and I are going to London to the temple in December and we are going to be married for eternity, and we are having the boys sealed to us for eternity too. There. I told you. It is exciting, isn't it? That's booked and we will be away for 3 days, like a honeymoon with 3 little boys. We are going to have fun and feel a bit spiritual and happy , hooray.
Is that enough for you? Too bad because it didn't end there .
H has £30 a week, that's his money to do what he wants with. When grandpa left he gave us £100 each, for us, to buy a treat. I spent mine on christmas things and some new clothes. H saved his because he really REALLY wants one of the new Apple IPod deals that he says amazing. He loves his IPod, he loves downloading talks and movies, he has had more than his money's worth from his old IPod and he has saved for the new one.
My laptop is driving me mad, it gets hot, I sit with a fan between my feet o stop it overheating, I have a new battery coming because this one is on recall. It crashes though, all the time and I get SO mad with it. Today, H came in and he said " They have a new laptop in Curries, its a great one....it's £399. "
"very nice " said I.
" So, here's £250 I saved, buy a new one, I'll have the old one , I won't use it as much as you use yours."
"what about your new apple thingy?"
" I can wait "
He's alright isn't he? Tomorrow, I will have a shiny new, never been anyone else's, laptop and in the evenings we can sit in the same room and not talk to each other, which will be great because right now he is upstairs and I am here........doing our own computery things. He's writing a book. Clever thing. I am glad that I didn't mention that I saw a ring that I can never have, even though we are getting married forever in 8 weeks, I am happy I didn't sigh, because it was a beautiful ring and would look so lovely on my finger in between my engagement and wedding ring , because so what.....I may not ever have the ring but I got him ( and a new laptop that cost so much more than money because he sacrificed a heart's desire for me to get it, priceless)

This evening I went out with lovely Jane. We went to visit a lady from church because its a nice thing to do and its also something the church says is a vital thing to do.
It IS vital, we all need to know that somewhere there is someone to turn to, that thinks about us and cares that we are well. The other thing that this does is to help us get to know the people we see every week. Without the sunday face. That happy and 'I am just peachy' face that we all put on when we go to church.
So Jane and I went to visit and had fun. I grew up knowing Jane and she is great, its a treat to be with her and we are going to spend more time together too. Jane has TWO SOPHIES!! ARGH!!!!! TWO! And a Billy, who is splendid ...he's younger than the girls.
Two teenage girls who fight and treat her like Sophie used to treat me. Blow that for a game of soldiers matey, Jane needs some FUN! I need fun. BINGO, hoorah.
Jane is a nurse and a single mum so we will be able to get together on her days off and do some girl things, with no kids.
Talking about girlie things, yesterday I thought I would relax with a lovely face mask, I tried a tee tree and peppermint one last week and it was heavenly, yesterday I got a citrusy zingy one, opened it, and lay it on my face ( its like a face cloth) ahhhhhhhh, oooh that IS zingy, its really.....ow, actually that isn't zingy its burny, owie burny HURTS........HURTS , not refreshing, painful. It took the skin off my face- just by my lip. Today it is crusty and not a bit clear and fresh looking. I am a scab face. I look like a poor person with a groovy case of impetigo.
IT IS NOT IMPETIGO!
I am not unclean, I am the opposite, I am supposed to be all clear pored and shining, darn thing. Every time I smile it cracks, which is a shame because I smiled a lot today.
I smiled when I bought a PILE of chocolate to send to LO in the halloween swap, even when the lady looked at me as if I deserve to be this fat when I buy THAT much chocolate without even a hint of shame .


I even sort of smiled when Seth was so very Seth later on.

" Look at you mum, you ARE fat, your diet, is it a diet that does the opposite of other peoples' diets? does your diet make you fatter? because I think you ARE fatter"
"Seth, that's really not a kind thing to say, please don't say things that you know will hurt someone's feelings, its just not kind."
" Oh, Ok, but you are fat, I can't see why its not kind to say what is true"
( I so hate kids when they say what probably needs to be said, I have just watched ' you are what you eat', you know when they show the table heaving with the bad food? the ones that will kill you and make your pooh stink? Today that food looked SO good, I really wanted to send H out to get some fish and chips )
Anyhoo....later, I said to Seth, " Seth, are you sorry you were unkind to me? I hope you have had a think about hurting my feelings"
"yes, I am. ( slight pause for effect) Sorry, ( miniscule pause, he might be little and only just six but his timing is impeccable) big mamma"
Is it really bad to smack a 34lb nerdy looking kid? He had taken his glasses off.

Just asking.
It did make me smile and crack my scabby face. Especially because Isaac so got the joke and we were treated to his belly laugh which made Seth feel SO clever for being the one to evoke such mirth, H was sensible enough to hold onto his smirk until the the belly laughing. Good man, he's learning.

and a LO survey....


1. Would you marry for money? I certainly planned to the 2nd time, darn it if that love thing didn't happen though...much better in the long run.

2. Have you had braces? No, but I do like a nice leather belt. ( because in England suspenders are called braces, I do so hate having to clarify a funny)

3. Could you live without a computer? of course.. if you can live with knowing that my family is living in misery.

4. If you could live in any past time period, where would it be? I don't like periods I think that's why I had so many babies, why would I go back to one?

5. Do you drink enough water? I am really trying.....it's boring though isn't it?

6. Do you wear shoes in the house or take 'em off? Off, I HATE stuff on my feet, bare feet...naked feet.
.7. What are your favorite fruits?
the ones you can get that are covered in chocolate.
8. What is your favorite place to visit? DISNEYLAND!!! I want to go with Lo and Jenn and Julie and Lacey and Christina and Julie Q all their kids. I love Sea world too.

9. Are you photogenic? PPPTTTTTTTTHHHHHH i look like I have been let out on day release.
10. Do you dream in color or black and white?color

11. Why do you take surveys?? Because Lo has such funny ones!

12. Do you drink alcohol? Nope, not ever.

13. What is the most beautiful language? French and Italian. Right after baby babbles.

14. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep? I can't say, I never know if I am being kissed, I'm sleeping. DUH.
15. WHAT do you like MOST: Sunrise or sunset? Both please don't make me choose.
16. Do you want to live until you're 100 yrs old? I suspect not but the closer I get to it the more appealing it becomes.
17. Is a flat stomach important to you? Oh ha ha.....if it was I would be so unhappy!! Look, my belly has been home to six babies, 8 really, just that 2 of them didn't stay so long. Who can mind the bulge that is the result of that? Sad that it is flappy though.
18. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights switched on or off? I have my twinkly tree lights on.
where is 19??
20. Do you believe in magic? Oh YEAH!!
22. Do you like to watch cartoons? NO! Excpet for the Simpsons, other ones make me cross.

23. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real? What do you mean???? Santa is for sure REAL!!

24. Do you write poems? sometimes, funny ones.

25. Do you snore?I think I do, sometimes I wake myself up.


26. You sleep more on your back, front,or sides? not my back....ever, the rest yes. I lie on my left side and read, then I turn on my right side and face the H man so I can hear him breathe and sleep.

27. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler? Rottie

28. Are you basically a happy person? Yes, I am cheerful and happy and smiley, until I wake up and then I usually want to punch somebody.

29. Are you tired? No, because it is bedtime and I always wake up then.

30. Did you drink anything with caffeine? No, I didn't.

32. How many landline/cellphones do you have in your house? 3 landlines that are complete rubbish and make me cross. Cell phones....sheesh.....5 I think, actually Sophie has a collection so it maybe more like 9. Only 4 get used now though


33. Do you get along with your parents? everybody does, my dad is getting along with the Angels and Jesus now, I think he puts in a good word for us, cool.

34. Do u smoke? I told you no last time.....I DON'T NEED NICOTINE TO BE CALM!!!

35. Do you have a kitty? Nope, they bring H out in a bad temper.


36. Have you ever had a birthday party?not for a long time, I think I was 7 and no-one showed up..that might have out me off, do you think?

37. What do you do when you're sad? Cry, eat.

38. What do you need most now? Fish and chips and a car that doesn't smell hot.

39. What song are you listening to right now? I'm not istening to music, am watching a good show, well listening to it.

40.what are you craving right now? Fish and Chips, lots vinegar.

The boys first day....

If anyone tells you that I actually did have a bit of pang and hung around making coughing sounds to see if he would even look to see that I was going, you know, LEAVING him, there...without me, they are lying. I came home and put my feet up...and read my halloween magazine my sister sent me, without having to get up and get a drink for anyone. See, I wasn't a bit sad.









I have gone insane trying to post a video of Eli talking, it won't work I am mad.....I give in! Sorry!!

Ok guys.....swapsies and gizzits.

We are having a halloween party, a biggun. Because H gets so homesick every halloween. The english are hopeless at halloween, HOPELESS!!
So, I need halloween goodies, cookies ( halloween orio cookies YUM!) and candie and all things edible I NEED IT! I'll swap you. If you send me halloween stuff ( and you can even send paper cups and plates, stuff like that please) I will send chocolate and coffee and even marmite for the brave among you who would like to try it!
We need to get it in the mail in the next week or two though so it is sure to be here in time.
I have decorations but if you see any that are too fabulous to miss then that's great too.
Anyone who wants to join the halloween swapsie, email me on helenwith6@aol.com tell me what you would like and what you can send and we'll set it up.
I am SO excited to do this party. Any ideas as to what to cook for the evening drop in, THANKS!! What games shall we play? I wish you could all come by. THANKYOU!!

So far....
Julie Bo,
Lacey,
-Lo,
Brenda,
Kim,
Angie. ( Julie and Lacey you should get your parcels any day now..I am SO ahead of the game!! HA !)
Christine
Julie Q ( who has a parcel winging its way as we speak..is it there yet??)
Sorry people, the list is closed, we have lift off! Halloween will be SUPER even if we are in england! YEAY! thankyou!

Coming back. Tra la la.

I am so thrilled to say that the real me is REALLY coming back, emotions and spirits and joy. Mine, again. YEAY!!
It has to be said that with me, what you see, is what you get. Pretty much always. what you read here is what people around see and hear. Wherever I am, this is it.
I am going to re-read the older posts I wrote, at the beginning when my heart was at it's saddest and inside I was dead. I know I am different now. Thank God for that. Really, that's not a sacreligious statement, it's the truth.
I am almost back. One of the most (for me ) disturbing things I noticed when I was so sad, was that I could no longer sing.
I told about my throat, how it would blister and ache when I knew that I was going to talk about the saddest and most frightening feelings that I had hidden for so long, also the inability to talk at times. I stopped enjoying speaking, which was a gift to my family and a sadness to me. I still don't much enjoy the phone but am beginning to see the look on peoples' faces, in real life, that I feel on mine when Sophie is talking....a mix of incredulity that someone can actually talk for this length without taking breath and a gradual loss of the will to live because dear life will she ever shut up? Will she??? ( no, she doesn't, suck it up mate, I got a lot to make up!)
I never lost the joy of writing the way I think...rattle rattle prattle the chat, but couldn't get it out of my mouth somehow.
The singing, well that left completely, I couldn't get it out at all, my throat was closed. I sometimes could get a very low note out but tunes were gone, the life was gone....nothing.
Now, I was never a star in the making, I sang in shows, at weddings, in church, I recorded a song I wrote with a friend when I was 20.....all the usual things young girls do. I would never have made it on the X. Factor or American idol, but I loved it that I COULD sing.
I liked it when a neighbour knocked on my door to say she had been standing outside listening to me sing along to good old Warbling Whitney , I adored singing while I worked, and in the car. At church...well, the Lord got his worshipping from me at a belting volume with every ounce of joy I had. When that went and I couldn't even hear if any sound was coming out, when I couldn't sing those beloved hymns and add harmonies, get goosepimples from the exultation of such worshipping, well a part of me died too.
I went to church today and my most favourite hymn was chosen. I opened my mouth and I SANG!! It came out, my voice! In tune, I heard it and felt it and even got the goosebumps. My joy....the worshipping, the gratitude ,the faith. I did it, it's back. Hallelujah!

I suspect my children will be overjoyed that I have tune again, because even though my voice had gone, I still sang to them. Badly. I sing about everything, I make up songs all day every day, Elijah does it too.
" Me and you, me and you, mummy and Elijah just we two..." as we go to the store on our own.

" Hip hip hooray, Elijah's with gramma today,
We love him and adore him but...
we can't help shouting HOORAY!"

You get the picture. We have songs for everything, "up the stairs, up the stairs, we've had a drink and we'll say our prayers"

" Eli Henry did a poot, Eli Eli oh!
We don't care because he's cute, Eli Eli oh!"
D'ya get the picture?

I was darned if I was stopping just because I didn't have a voice anymore. Heck no. Actually, even if I had thought about it, I couldn't have stopped because it's involuntary, comes out without me giving it a thought. How marvellous then that now it can come out with melody and tone. Phew.
Along with the voice, my feeling of belonging is coming back. I walk through the doors at church and feel at home, as if I am where I should be, as if I am among friends. I love that. I go into my lessons and have things to say, with my mouth and my heart. Hoorah!
I like it that even at church people enjoy my humour...sometimes I think I might come across as flippant but apparantly not. Good job...as with singing, when I speak I open my mouth and those words come right on out.... although I don't think I swear at church, I swear less at home and even less in my head these days. The sad and angry me swore so much, ack....bad sad me. Actually I find myself flinching when I hear swear words these days. Amazing.
I think swearing stopped me hitting people though. So not all bad.
My heart is happy that I am almost back.....I enjoy waking up and not feeling dread, I love thinking about tomorrow and looking forward to it.
I am seeing Jan tomorrow and it has been 3 or 4 weeks since I last went. I think I may not need her anymore. Part of me feels afraid to say goodbye in case things turn backwards. She has been my safety net, when I have a worry that might eat me alive I go to her and talk and somehow answer my own thoughts.
I'm not sure that I believe yet that when I have a low day , that's all it will be, a low day, not the end of the world. I maybe don't accept that I am through that hell that lasted so long and have beaten it, but every day that I feel, that I can laugh and cry and not feel terror at those feelings, well it sinks in a bit deeper that it could really be true. The sun may well indeed have it's hat on....hip hip hip hooray.
Perhaps that light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a train after all......I didn't get flattened, all is well after all. ( she says crossing fingers and touching wood, not that I will admit to being superstitious at all or anything)
So, I shall sing my way to glory and I might even start using the phone again, anyone fancy a chat? I promise not to sing!