Smashing and lovely, splendid even.

Apart from not having a phone, dropping my cell phone down the toilet ( a public one, dear heaven.) Persistant rain ( still) life is a bit perfect.
I am at mum's house tapping away on Leah's laptop, on hold to B.T, again, we are fast becoming on first name terms even though they still don't love me enough to connect the damn phone.
Happy are we in our new home, lots to tell but no time to tell it. Later.

I got the keys.

It's going to be fine.
I love it.
I am not afraid anymore.
I also am not going to break too much of a sweat cleaning this place. I shall use my energies cleaning the new one that is dusty and has many spiders.
I was ridiculously excited about our doorbell being switched on DING DONG.
The new house smells so beautiful, I need nice smells, and even though it is dusty, it smells of wood, glorious oaky smell.
I saw things I missed when I looked around the first time, good things.
I noticed that although it is beautiful, it isn't perfect, we won't spoil it, we will make it better.
H is like a greyhound, he bides his time, waits until the right moment and then he is OFF...he has achieved a lot today, he always does the kitchen which is my least favourite room to pack, relief is mine.
I might be missing for a while, we hope that the phone and internet is organised but things get screwed up and we will have much to do. Also the rain stopped today, hopefully it will stay stopped for a good while so we can get work done and enjoy all the good stuff at our new place.
Think of us and imagine our excitement as we learn all about our new home.
One more week and it'll all be done and we can relax a bit.
Exhale.

Puncuation? Probablynot.

Oh Please. Let me sit here, all day on my pyjamas and pretend I have nothing to do because I have so much to do and none of it is fun or nice or fun.
ts all the really crappy stuff, the last of the kitchen cupboards stuff, the underwear drawer that I want to just leave and carry but you know full well that if I do that, the one person that I am not married to that is helping us tomorrow will be around when that drawer slides out on the road and all my big knickers and dingy grey bras fall in a puddle.
The pulling out of beds, freezer, sofas to vacuum behind so that the person not related to us who is helping won't see what filthy slummocks we are.
Yesterday I was going to do so much until I fell down those stairs at the back of the house, yes those rickety, wooden, slippery when wet (and everything is bloody wet because England is DROWNING right now) stairs, the ones that are so steep that I hold my breath every time I have to go down them. I fell down yesterday when I went to get a jacket from the car. I got to the top, one foot slipped, I did the splits ( ouch but hey! Impressive) one leg behind me, the other over the top of the top step and I fell HEAD FIRST down those damn steps. Another slow motion moment where I enough time to think " oh, OH I am so scared, this could really hurt and SHIT! I AM REALLY FALLING DOWN THESE STAIRS!!!" and then I stopped thinking and used my brain to put my hands out and stop myself half way down thank goodness.
I hurt my shoulder and knee and hip and ankle and thought " bugger this for a game of soldiers " and went out for the day with Debs and Jane and we had lunch and spent money and laughed ( after I cried like the stupid emotionally drained and physically weary girlie that I am)
Friends are the very best thing, especially when your husband seems to be trying so hard to do the right thing but by very merit of being a husband does the wrong thing and going out for some fun and Italian food is a much better idea that punching the man you are promised to for eternity.
I have cleared the dining room 43726115 times, why have I done that when every damn time these kids go right in and trash it? How do they completely mess up a totally empty room? Mum gave us a pop up post office, seemingly a great idea, easy to pop up and they can play in it and stay the hell out of the boxes and bags and tidy piles of what the hell am I going to do with that crap?
If only, when she gave me the post office I sort of had a heart sink because it just felt like something else to lug over to the new house that isn't a home yet, aware that everything seems like more work for me and also aware that I am the most miserable and ungrateful wench in the world right now I took it with a pretend smile and kept it in the car for a day or two...sunday I got it out and put it in the empty dining room, hoorah, peace and quiet ....... quiet because they made a picnic to eat in the little building in the dining room. Aw, bless.
Crisps and yoghurt drink smashed and spread all over the carpet. Also cereal.
I am convinced that they do these things on purpose and I think I hate everyone, from the smallest to the biggest I am hard pushed to look at any of them without my eyeballs bulging and a desire to vent my wrath in all ways violent and vocal.
When H steps in and makes the cleaning up a game and has them clear up the chaos they caused, I hate him because if only he had been playing some game with them in the first place the mess wouldn't be there.
My heart is still so heavy about leaving this house and that makes me cross and sad because TOO BAD! Get over it.
Lovely people keep asking how they can help and I don't know......I can't think straight. Take my kids for a year, buy me alcohol ( wouldn't take much, never drink a drop, probably would get squiffy on a half a glass of shandy but squiffy sounds good, lets try it) take me away from it all and give me a nice padded room with no windows and leave me there for a month. Knock me out and wake me when it's all over. Except it won't BE all over because this is just another temporary stop off, we'll be doing it all again before we know it.
So, 8.30am, boys are at school ( or on the way with H.) I have snotty head Eli with me, had better get dressed and drag my reluctant self over to the new house with another car load of belongings. One more day, one more day then we have the task of setting it all into the new house and pretending it is home. If it were sunny it would be heaven( ish) but the rain.......google English weather, I am not kidding, we are drowning, one town at a time, so far Devon is just paddling, in the north people are actually dying and drowning and losing everything........where oh where is the sunshine????





I got these pictures from an AOL site...the first one is from a place called Helens avenue or somewhere, how appropriate.

Sod the toothache, rain and moving house!

SOmetimes taking a moment out to just share some goosepimpling gloriousness is the tonic we all need.
Britains got talnet, yes it has indeed.
Look at this dear man ( who went on to win) A simple, shy cell phone salesman, in a crumpled old suit. Watch Simon Cowells face.....priceless!! He not only won £100.000 but he will sing before the queen at the royal variety show.



And this splendid boy.......


His parents WERE proud of him! Look at his face, did you ever see such joy? I love to see things like this, his grandma is so happy. Little bits of heaven that lift us and make life just bloody marvellous.

H and I moved mountains today, it's great when we work together, makes me happy. Tooth has been better, makes me very happy.
Very good.

Last but not least...she is 6. Cuter than a cute thing and ...well just listen.

Bricks and mortar, home is where the heart is etc.

There you see, whine in the night-time, all changes in the day. H woke up and got with it wouldn't you know? He didn't get on his laptop, so I know he didn't read my blog.....he certainly didn't read the weepy 'woe is me you don't love me' email I sent him at 6am when I was sobbing and swearing about my DAMN TOOTH THAT STILL HURTS. He just got up and did stuff and my goodness, can we move when we do it together?? We are moving, really....it shows!
H spent the day at the house working on the garden/ jungle.
I had a nap, a coma like nap for 2 hours, I needed that.
I feel weird about this new house. I honestly haven't ever felt like this about moving before, if I were to try and describe how I feel it would be to say I am a bit shy about this house.
It is certainly a house that I would never have even thought about before, not my style and I think I feel a bit in awe of it.
I am cross with myself for feeling like this, because it smacks of feeling inferior or not worthy and we all know that I am as good as the next poor person! I think also that it all has to do with not choosing it. Any of it. Not choosing to leave this house, not choosing to live in the new house, just sort of picked up and put there and ...well you know. Not being in control.
Having said all that........ this kitchen???


I can SO live with that kitchen!

And sitting here in the evening, with the windows open and the summer smells...and sounds of the country....

BRING IT ON!

So far the move is turning out to be the least stressful I have ever experienced, most of our things are already there, on wednesday I think we may have just one trip with the truck carrying the really heavy stuff, we'll be able to take our time, move things as and when we feel like it. We are ready for some relaxation ( jaccuzzi.......JACCUZZI and quite heavenly peaceful surroundings!) En suite bathroom, you know how posh we felt having 2 bathrooms when we moved here....now we'll have THREE. A veritable plethora of places to pee and show me a mother that wouldn't get excited at the fact that one bathroom is in an entirely different building......follow me THERE and shout through the door if you dare!!
I have a feeling that H will disappear often and spend many a long moment thanking the powers that be for the toilet, that is far from the madding crowd.
I think I am excited.
I just have to get past cleaning the stove. And the rest. The emptier this house gets the dirtier is looks. It looks very unloved and battered right now, lots of junk left lying around, rooms neglected and nothing lovely. Our soul isn't here anymore. Not our home anymore. Just a shell. Just goes to show that it's not the bricks and mortar that make a home, is it? ( doesn't hurt to have some nice bricks to start with though does it?)
So, a good day apart from the tooth, face ache is still there, not as bad but if I leave it too long in between pain killers it is still pretty horrific. The weekend isn't going to be fun if it doesn't get better, I don't think the dentist has an emergency surgery on saturday. Enough about the tooth already, I am sick of talking about it. If it still hurts at all on monday I am going to get her to pull the blasted thing.

Jack Sprat.

Nearly there. The garage at the new house is getting very full, this house is getting very empty. The phone is organised, gas paid for and hopefully delivered before we move in ( wednesday now...whoopie!) The mountain of cleaning supplies are bought and waiting for the day when this house is empty and I can get at every corner.
H is being H. Procrastinator extraordinaire, he waits, always, until the very, very last moment and then somehow manages to get it done. That might be because I have ( in my own impatient way) just done the bulk of it, leaving only his very personal stuff alone and doing everything else.
I have searched, bought, collected, bid for, emailed and secured most everything we need and want for our new home ( hooray for freecycle and ebay) new beds, trampoline, go kart, clothes airers, every utility, have called members of parliament ( re council house that will not be given up on) benefits agencies, housing offices.
I have donated, dumped, recycled and disposed of everything we don't need anymore.
I have organised moving vans, help, cleaning buddies.
I have had root canal work and been back today for it all to be done again ( bad pain, nice drugs, bad pain, short temper, bad pain) she stripped it again, refilled it with new medicine, gave me anti biotics and off I went again to the new house with more stuff. The pain is getting better, I went 5 hours without pain meds this evening. I think the pain now is more a result of having been drilled and stuck with needles and having my jaw wrenched open too far, rather than rotting teeth or infection. I hope anyway. I would hate to have to go back tomorrow.
H has pulled some weeds and I hope called AOL to get internet arranged.
I think he would like for us not to think about the move until tuesday and then just do it.
I think I would like to shake him quite hard and make him more like me.
It's just as well he reminds me of my dad and that his great qualities are so obvious because really......THIS MAKES ME SO MAD!!
It is so frustrating. I understand though that for him, my endless whirling and fussing could well be maddening for him. Too bad, it's how things get done. I did see how he works before we got married and saw quite clearly that he very often leaves things and then wishes he had started just a bit sooner doing what needs doing.
He found our 1st home about 3 days before we flew out from England, skin of teeth.
I might find it easier if he acknowledged how much I am doing but if he did that he would be acknowledging how little he is doing.....and we can't have that can we? I do know that when the day comes, he will be a star, he will work and pull it all together and I will look at him and smile again.
He will stand at the threshold of our home and tell people how amazing it is that it all fell in our laps and isn't it marvellous how these things just happen and HA! Clever us. Who'd have thought that could happen, just like that and how painless it all was and all.
All these things that he is trying not to tut and sigh about, all the stuff being done before it needs to be done, all those things that we don't need, everything that was fussed over and done without his say so or knowledge...he'll be thrilled about and will stand proud and marvel over. He just hates my micromanaging things, he gets crazy when I plan and organise so far in advance and he huffs and puffs and pretends he isn't grumpy or humouring me and my daft control freaky ways. He is gracious enough to grin when it all comes together so well though and will smile at the fact that yet again I was actually a bit right to do what I did.
We work together alright really, his silence and my tantrums, his waiting and my fussing, his relaxed manner and my frantic one.
It's never dull for me to see our various natures showing in the boys. Isaac organising his clothes for non uniform day ( which is tomorrow ...where did the week go?!?) Seth barely moving his head in order to tell Isaac to get some clothes ready for him. Elijah
talking and singing and asking where and what and how and why , Seth saying 'yeah, yeah I get it...tomorrow right? That's ages yet, I'm reading this right now, that can wait.'
I am longing for this time next week, new house, old one handed over and belonging to someone else. Will I be sad to leave here? I don't think so now. New beginnings, we probably should just make the most of how things are. If only the RAIN WOULD STOP! Is it really the first day of summer? Coulda fooled me and everyone else in England I imagine, how much more rain do we need ( or want?) I can handle it til tuesday and then? BRING ME SUNSHINE!!!

I hate moving house ...did I tell you that? I do ...I love new homes though, got to do one to have the other I suppose. I am excited about the new house. I really am.

Glad that one's over.

Oh.
Ow.
I think I've had better days, like the one when I was a nurse and ran to the canteen when it was raining and fell, and my scissors came out of my pocket and went into my knee, the actual bone. Yes, that was a better day than today.
The dentist didn't pull my tooth, she did a root canal. 13 hours ago and I am still weeping, with a swollen face and pain the like of which I can never remember experiencing. She used so much numbing stuff that my eyes went numb and only one would shut when I blinked.....whey hey! Weirdo fat face winking at all and sundry with a lopsided grin to go with it. Most attractive.
I have been clock watching in order to take pain meds as soon as allowed and yet still I weep. As I type I am in a sort of limbo, almost akin to childbirth with an epidural ( which I tried once because I wanted to say I tried it, just the once) I know my face hurts, underneath that fuzzy sort of blankness there is still a axe hacking, face splitting, jaw screeching pain just waiting to burst forth again. I just managed to stop myself hanging onto H's pyjamas clad leg and begging him not to let the pain come back. I dulled it to a pathetic cheek hugging wail as I told him that " oh! oh! I think it's not meant to hurt like this is it and please what can I do and nothing is working and I ran out of drugs I can try and nothing is working and nothing is working oh. oh."
( can you imagine my divine high functioning autistic brained husbands face as I did that??? can you picture the look of terror while he calmly said " well, you know, they did a whole bunch of digging around in there today" whilst inside I suspect his bowels were turning to water and his brain was screaming "Argh! Crying, that girlie thing she does....what to do WHAT TO DO? Will it stop soon??"
It did stop soon, and so far the pain is at bay.
Sophie just called. 11pm, she is crying and beside herself...she has a slipped disc in her lower back....she is miserable and I am at a loss as to how I can help her. Tomorrow I am going to try and get her to go back to the Dr and continue her counselling. It is SO hard not to tell her to come back and try again. I know that she needs to do something new. I know that somehow, I have to help her be independent. Things are falling down around her ears and as a mother I want to make it all OK, the trouble is, I can't....this is HER time to make things alright,to take charge and make her life work for her. Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom before we can climb back up. Her main job ends next week, the shop is closing....she will have hardly any money at all, she has let college slide, lost her place there. She can't live here anymore, she hates being at Jordan's because it isn't her home. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I have to do it. IS this what they call tough love? I hope she can see one day that I do love her, I think she knows I do because when the chips are down I am the first person she comes to. Thank you Lord.

Five and a half hours...

It's 4am and at 9.30am I can go to the dentist. Rarely ( if ever) have I been so thrilled about something so horrible. This pain is horrendous. I can think about natural childbirth without so much as a flicker of fear but the dentist fills me with bowel watering terror. I am willing to go though because this pulsating pain is excruciating. Ahhhhhh, drugs are beginning to kick in, hoorah. I am sure there is an abscess under the tooth because it has pushed the tooth up a bit, making it too big for my mouth and the top tooth keeps crashing into it ( ouch bloody ouch) I think I must have cracked my teeth together as I slept because I woke up with my whole head in screaming agony ( shut up, I am so NOT a drama queen!)
Is toothache the worst pain in the world? I think it is on a par with arthritis, that same mind blowing throbbing pain that pushes every other thought out of your head, nothing but how that FEELS. I am so grateful that I have an NHS dentist ( like gold dust, almost impossible to find these days and getting a place is even harder) as long as you attend every 6 months and don't miss appointments without giving notice, you're set for life. I love it that ours see you at a moments notice when you're in pain, I was so busy yesterday that I didn't go, thought I would be OK until today but yeesh, wish I had cancelled some of my plans yesterday and gone in.
So, back to bed I go in the hope of not grinding my teeth or lying on the sore side......wish me luck as I whimper my way into that chair tomorrow. Am scared.

I think it's official...

I am a fruit loop.
I had a medical review today because of our benefits.
You know, the way I do things seems so normal to me because it is my way of getting things done, completely the way to do it. Until someone asks me about my day and how I do things. Oh my good grief.....I am so weird it spooks me to tell you about it!
It seemed as though I was having an out of body experience today as I was explaining to this doctor about my every day life. I could feel myself watching it all and taking such note of his expressions.
I heard myself explaining how just to go shopping I have to talk myself through every step, which means that I usually have to avoid talking to people because I can't talk to myself AND them and appear sane at the same time.
Telling him that in order to get to that interview this afternoon, 16 miles away, I left home at 9.30am even though my appointment wasn't until 1.40pm. Yes folks, I allowed myself FOUR hours to get 16 miles because I didn't know exactly where it was, I had to come alone and I was so scared of getting lost that I allowed myself enough time to get REALLY lost and find myself and get lost again and then actually get there and have enough time to calm down and not be a basket case in order to sit and tell him that I am a basket case and am not capable of actually ever getting a job because bloody hell people, that might mean travelling and talking to people and having to think straight which doesn't happen every often, certainly not 2 days in a row. Ever.
He asked if I was obsessive about cleaning, I said no, but how I wish I DID have that particular quirk of mental illness... is it possible to put in an order ?
He asked me if I cry.
All the time when I think no-one is looking.
Why?
Because I am useless.
How can you be useless, you have 3 children.
I have 6 children.
Well then you are even less useless aren't you?
I wish.
We talked about my itchy skin. Medication. He took my blood pressure, which was high. To be expected he said.
He said he was sorry for having out me through my ordeal today and hoped that I was able to get home OK. I told him that I was always able to get home and was never afraid of getting lost on the way home from anywhere.
I am quite perfectly mad.
I think it's official.
I am me though, being mad sort of works in my stumbling along way. In my controlling and very controlled way, I manage and we do pretty well. As long as no-one interferes, we'll do just fine.
I ate sushi for lunch. I have always heaved at the very mention of sushi, what are people thinking eating that stuff, are they MAD? Until today when I saw it in Marks and Spencer's 'just food' hall. A little take out pack of yummy looking rolls...I had to have it, I was almost drooling at the thought. WHAT THE ???? I bought it and almost ate it walking to the car......MMMMMMMM I LOVED that stuff, I want me some more. I am most definitely not pregnant, so who knows why the sudden need, what a delightful change to crave something so gloriously healthy and low fat. I'll stick with that kind of craving any day of the week.
I will have to call the dentist tomorrow because my tooth still hurts like the devil.
Sophie called today she was sobbing in pain, she got out of a friend's car this morning, coughed and popped out a disc in her back...at 18! Wow she is flat on her back at Jordan's flat. I will go and see her tomorrow and make sure she has everything she needs, take her some treats and magazines. She has to stay lying down for a week, if she is still in pain she will need physiotherapy. I called her this evening and she was out of it...he must have given her some great painkillers because she was not making a bit of sense!!
I am going to bed myself right now....just on midnight, early night for me!

toothache and funny stuff.

Horrible day today, I miss my dad. I probably ruined H's father's day and hre ruined my Sunday which is fine because I don't much like Sundays anyway.
I am generally having a down time lately, I hope it is just the stress of moving and know for sure it is all this damned RAIN...for heaven's sake, we're not talking a bit of drizzle but endless plishing down stuff that really beginning to drain my already depleted sunshine reserves.
I did go swimming yesterday, me, in a swim suit, in public and all. I just figured that should people in the pool be horrified and revolted I wouldn't know, also, they would forget all about me once we left, my children however, would remember that I actually came swimming and went IN ... they loved it, dear Isaac paddled over to H and I at one stage, squished in between us smiled a happy smile and then said " Ok, bye family" and paddled off in his swim ring again. Worth every cringing moment if you ask me. I did a length or 3 of the big pool ( I used to do 30 or so without a second thought in the good old days.) and felt incredibly vitalised and joyous. I do believe this will become a regular thing.
I have a toothache, that helps doesn't it? Raging tooth pain that clouds everything and squeezes out every other feeling or thought. I just took 2 dihydrocodiene.....ahhhhhhh, thankyou drug making people and doctors who prescribe, no twitchy legs and begone toothache, am all sort of woozie and carefree.
I laughed very much earlier...want to laugh with me? Go on then.



That's how they talk down here, really.....devonshire. That's what we think we we come to america too...everythin' all big and sunshiny. I love me some French and Saunders. Enjoy it.

I was so gobsmacked I wanted to smack him in his Gob.

I was married to this man, the first one, I was young and in my defence was incredibly naive, sheltered and completely unaware that people like him existed. Smooth on the outside, completely stupid on the inside.
My friend and employer asked me, after she met him for the first time what we would talk about. TALK ABOUT? He was 6'2 had the most divine arms, was John Travolta's double and he made me laugh, really laugh. What more could a 20 year old ask for, one that felt sure she would never love again after the real love of her life hadn't worked out. Talk indeed.
Funny how people on the outside can see so clearly what love is blinding those involved to isn't it?
So, we didn't talk much, we laughed a bit, he cheated a lot and then he left. 18 years ago. Amazing that it was so long ago. He thinks we are friends, incredible really that he calls when he feels like a chat and is still so clueless that he is oblivious to the tone of my voice and the disinterest that drips from me from every pore. I am nothing if polite though and often make the mistake of asking a question about his life, you know.."how is the girlfriend?" and he tells me. I can put my hand on my heart and say that Sophie gets from her dad, her ability to make a 25 second conversation last 15 minutes and yet not actually say anything. The latest relationship hit the dust because horror of horrors she had the nerve to be ill and said illness caused her to lose her libido, bye bye baby.
He mentioned that she had 2 teenage kids...RUN I SAY!! He then went on to tell me that actually the daughter, who is 12, had a dead beat dad, someone who really hadn't been in her life..so she hadn't experienced a father figure. Bless. What a blessing then that he was on hand, he was able to be a good paternal figure in her life and at the same time, experience the feelings that a man can have for a daughter because HE HAS NEVER BEEN ABLE TO HAVE THAT DEAR GOD ! I may be blaspheming when I say that or it could be an actual prayer for the understanding and patience not to get in the car find where he is and then beat his stupid face to a pulp.
I spend my life trying to minimise the damage this stupid man has done to his only daughter, have lied until I could puke, excusing his neglect when she was little, explaining as kindly as I can as she grew that his behaviour has always been HIS failing, not hers. It hasn't worked of course, 18 years of idiocy on his behalf, all the times he has ignored her ( while pouring attention on the boys) all the days he smashed her spirit, every time he spoke of how cute this little girl was and told her how bad she is.....well, words from me mean nothing do they?
99.9% of me is so disinterested by this man that unless he calls, I forget he exists, his children range from pitying him to despising him. ( oh my goodness, just hit spell check and it said NO MISSPELLINGS FOUND! that's a first)
That other 1% though, that sparks into murderous rage when he opens his fool mouth and lets such guff out that I am made grateful to be so far away from him ( actually, I don't even know where he lives but I do know it isn't around here thank you, Lord)
It is so glorious to be able to talk to him and then look over at H and sigh with blissful relief that he is the man I am married to now. That this man gets it, he knows how precious these little people are and how fragile their spirits are and he does such a great job being a dad. Phew.

Watch this space.

So, today I bit the bullet and went to the council.
Oh, hang on a bit, I am going to backtrack a bit. We have keys for the garages at the new house and permission to work on the gardens. We have prepaid to have the calor gas tank filled so we will have hot water and cooking gas and such like.
We have taken several loads of boxes and furniture over and stored it all in the garage. We are getting ready ( and I really hurt my knee somehow today ouch.)
So, I thought I would put Mr use your time wisely and find your own house at the council out of his misery and tell him that, for now, we have a place to live.
I expected hoorahs and very good, see ya's. What I got was a hmmmmm, I see....it would still be better if we could allocate you a house right here in town though wouldn't it? What if you didn't have to move into the other house?
I asked him if he knew something I didn't. No.
I asked him if he was telling me the truth, he said " you'll get a phone call if there is a house for you"
Then he went on to say that what we should do is move....then have Bridget write another notice to quit....he said that we should think of this move as a holiday, a chance to have the best summer with a big garden, he said to tell Isaac that we are going on holiday to the new house and that THEN ..in the winter, maybe we will have a house that WILL be forever.
My feelings are that he DOES know something but they still need time. Wouldn't it be typical if we get that phone call and have a council house? Wouldn't it be bloody typical ( and a bit fabulous?) Ahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha.
I was a bit flummoxed truth be told, his words told me that he knew nothing, he said that he wasn't changing our status and as far as he is concerned we are still pretty much top of the list as homeless. He kept saying things like " don't bring in a new address until the last moment, just hang in there. I would rather you had a secure home."
I LOVE this new house, love it, feel a snobbity la-de-dah kind of lady at the very thought of living there but I keep crying because I love it and we WILL have to move again. We still don't know how long, if, when, why or how. We still have to worry about walls and handprints and chipping wood and breaking things.
I must say that even with a house that is more or less ours we will worry and want it looked after but it won't be a matter of feeling as if we are living in someone else's house, being checked up on and monitored all the time.
I suppose all we can do its keep on keeping on, do what we are doing and just see if we are stopped in our tracks and sent in a different direction. Imagine. Life is rarely dull is it?

Crumpled in a relieved heap of thankfullness.

You know those days that go to hell in a hand basket but even then someone forgot to give you the hand basket and your arse just gets burned? I've been having those way too often.
I have been a weeping mess of cryingness. An emotional heap in a physical heap of crapola. How is it that we have been packing, packing and dumping and donating and STILL we are drowning in stuff, dear life where is it all coming from? Is it breeding? Self multiplying? WHAT?
Everything has been piling on top of me ( except the very things that might be quite nice piled on top of me, which shall remain nameless because I have delusions of being a lady )
The whole teenager/ emotional/ sucking the very life deal added to the little people /body breaking/ oh please let me have a nap and can someone shut that bloody noise OFF for an hour or 12 thing has left me fit for nought.
Today we had a turn around that in itself is miraculous but merely the beginning. I think my girl has a glimmer of hope for her future. It didn't come easily but it is there and damn I am going to fan that flicker of hope and get it burning if it's the last thing I do..... and for heavens sake why can I smell FEET?
I hate bad smells, people in this house do not smell, things do not smell and get away with it.....I can smell FEET and the worst of it is I am the only one in here...must find source of stink.
Found it. I am clean, feet do not smell......house however is NOT tidy today ( or any day lately, can't do it all and packing and feeding people must come first) so, while I was out with the girl today beginning the lighting of flicker of hope....the gits got hold of 3 canisters of wholesome seed like things that in a fit of shall be healthy I bought......when I came home they had spread said THREE canisters of hemp seeds and such all over front room.....lets not go into where H was ( in same room) or what he was doing ( laptop) I made them clear it up and did not help, smell of FEET is actually the pile of seeds not swept up, some kind of flavouring or something but am pretty sure, given the smell, that it is no longer healthy, shall not be eating any, especially after it has been on this floor.
Anyway, Sophie has a 'glimmer' which is enormous ...I think I helped her believe just a tiny bit that I love her ( why is that so bloody hard to do?) Please let me help her. I want nothing more than to see this child of mine happy. Her myspace page screams of misery, it is dark and hideous, filled with anger and it breaks my heart.
I would rather like some cake. Of course we have none and I am being nice to myself anyway, cake might cheer me for 20 seconds but then something in it makes me cross and bloated, I don't need anything that makes me more grumpy and I very much enjoy my jeans being baggy and slidey downy. I do indeed.
So my crumpled with relief self will go to bed and listen to my husband breathe. Better than cake any day. Probably. Unless it is really good cake, with lemon icing.

And Seth's tale....

The Sporty Boy and the Lazy Mother

Once upon a time, there lived a sporty boy named Michael Jordan. And his mother, Mrs. Wright, and she was even lazier than a fat pot-belly pig. And Michael was always treated like a slave. He made lunch, dinner, and breakfast. He was always working even though he’s only three years old. He couldn’t have a one second rest. But when he was fourteen he worked until Wednesday and the day after Wednesday he said “mother, please will you try and lose 18 pounds, because you are really lazy.”
His mother said “if you don’t like working you can do anything you like, but you have to let me tidy up.” So he went up stairs he made a giant mess. He grabbed his basketball and went to his mother and told her that he couldn’t find his ball, but now I found it. Then he went outside and his mother tidied up the mess in his bedroom. Then went to play some sports with Michael after lunch Michael’s mother said “can I play sports with you.” Michael said “yes, you can!”
So they lived happily ever after.
The End

What does THIS tell us? Honestly, he could really hurt a mothers tender heart if she didn't understand that his asperger brain tells him that a mother who doesn't do anything that is important to him, doesn't actually have much worth. What use is a person who just cleans and shops and does laundry if she doesn't play basketball? None at all. He doesn't have any of those smooshy heart feelings, you know, darned emotions that get in the way of everything. He likes me stroking his face at bedtime and appreciates that but I think, in reality that he would scarcely notice if I wasn't here.
We are working on how people's feelings are hurt when we voice opinions like
" why are YOU here? I don't want to see you" or " why do I need you when I have my dad?" He is always so mortified when we point out that he HAS hurt my feelings, he cannot understand why the simple truth can make me feel sad. To him, it is a fact that his dad fulfills all his needs, I am just here for the ride.
He functions so much easier in the world than Isaac but emotionally, Isaac is more in tune with how people feel. If someone falls over and Seth sees, he will be quick to tell them how they could have avoided such a calamity, " should look where you're going then shouldn't you?" or " well, why did you climb uo there then?" he really thinks he is being helpful, it doesn't occur to him that comfort or sympathy might be nice.
When I had a particularly bad case of hives once, when I was covered in blistering welts, Isaac stroked my leg and gave me his blanket to hold, Seth glanced sideways and said " don't scratch it then."
I'm not too sure what, if anything, can be done to help him be more compassionate, whether it is possible to teach someone to 'feel' emotions. H is very unemotional, if I cry he looks like a deer in headlights, I long gave up on longing for romance or whispered sweet nothings. Seth is his son, with bells on.
If we ask Seth to turn on a lamp..he will spend 1o minutes explaining ( whining) about he has to do everything in this house, how he is basically a slave, I think he actually believes it. His story tells how he works like a slave....until Wednesday.
I have made him sound like a monster in this post and he really isn't, he has the most incredible sense of humour, he is bright and delighful, polite and pleasant ( usually) he just doesn't get emotions, I hope he can learn about them because they are so what makes life happy.
I have lost 10lbs, only 8 to go then. If I play basketball with him tomorrow maybe we will live happily ever after, what d'ya reckon?
We can collect the house keys tomorrow and start moving boxes etc over ...H is going to work on the garden ( which is waist high now) maybe he should take Seth and show him what real hard work is, while lazy mother stays here and does nothing.
The End.

Isaac's story. ( sdited to add his own story)

So, I have been missing for a few days, no big dramas just way too much of the same 'oles, bored myself thinking of what I could possibly write, felt too much compassion to put it all down in black and white why put anyone else though such tedium?
Oh, something to report, Isaac, he of 'lellow ba' land, has been to bed every night for a week without yellow blanket. In fact his face takes on a look of utmost disdain if I mention it. " I do NOT need that blanket." I almost can't stand it, I shall keep that blanket forever, we have picture of him clutching that beloved scrap of stinkiness, nursery pictures, home pictures and many, many heart pictures. Some of this growing up malarky isn't to my liking. His classroom assistant came swimming with us on saturday, it was great to be able to talk to her on the ride there, my Isaac is coming on in leaps and bounds, he now does P.E even takes his shoes and socks off which is a huge thing. He had a maths assessment last week and apparently a total stranger did his and he SPOKE, he reads aloud every time. Sad that his year is almost ended, 5 weeks and he will be moving on, new teacher, new classroom helper, new classmates, I wonder how far back he will slide. One of those wait and see deals I shouldn't wonder.
Oh...this is a story that Isaac wrote and H put on bedtime.com where kids can submit their own stories. Seth's tomorrow, his has it's own tale behind it.

The Enormous Turnip

Once upon a time, there lived an old lady and a old man and they planted peas , green beans and one enormous turnip and the old man and he had an idea. Then the old man went to fetch three black cats and two dogs, a farmer and five pigs and sixteen hens, and a thousand chicks, and there was a hundred and eight ducks. And said “I know what we can have for dinner. Turnip stew.”

But there was one thing that the farmer didn’t know, that the turnip was stubborn. Now, the old lady asked her wonderful husband “where is the turnip for our stew?” The farmer said “sorry my beautiful wife, the turnip was so stubborn, it wouldn’t come out!” Five minutes after, they heard a little squeaky voice, it was two little puppies. And they wanted to help pull the stubborn turnip out. But the farmer just said “it won’t do any difference at all.” But to see if it works, lets give it a try! So they did.
Even the puppies and that very moment the turnip went flying out of its pit. So they had turnip stew, after all.
And they lived happily ever after.
The end








I took these in the playground after school last week, I took one of Seth too.....my children are so refined, so sophisticated, I'm pretty sure they get it from me.

And sometimes, you can even have jam on it.

Is that a world wide saying? You know, when things are pretty good and you want a bit more, someone will say " yeah, you just want jam on it don't you?"
Well, my mum says it all the time, so I do too because I like my mum's sayings and that one is a favourite of mine.
Right now, we're getting jam on it and it is pretty sweet.
Posh house, in 3 weeks we will be in it and stroking the kitchen worktops and opening patio doors. That is exciting.
Today Jordan and I went to visit my friend, Mandy...we were flat mates and work mates and have known each other since we were sylph like, tight skinned, child free, young flippertigibbets. Long story short she said she had some furniture that maybe he could use stored in barn, so just he and I had a lovely drive through very windy country lanes ( and so many of them dear heaven, are we ever going to get there?) and we got to Mandy and Andy's divine cottage in deepest Devon. ( I think but it could actually have been in a whole other country, never mind county, because it really took a long time to get there although it isn't too many miles away ...62 to be exact)
So ,we visited and marvelled about how Jordan was 12 last time she saw him and look how tall he is now, lanky git. We looked out of teeny quaint windows and saw fields and breathed the freshest air in the world.
We looked at pictures and gave up on the internet because, deep in the Devonshire country there is only dial up and it's just like life itself in the countryside, slow and not hurried and perhaps we won't even connect at all because you could look at a tree or little hedgerow creature, get out and enjoy the glory of nature and get off the damn computer, yes, it's like that is countryside dial up my 'ansome.
Then Andy came home and he is quite as splendid as Mandy has told me and off we joggled to the barn up the lane a bit over the potholes and by the cows. Underneath that tarpaulin lay such treasures as to make me giddy. The most glorious table and chairs that I felt sure I would be able to talk Jordan out of needing because I WANT JAM ON IT and they would look SO perfect in MY house ( check..too bg for his flat, perfect for my new house)
He nabbed a futon because he still doesn't have anything to sit on in his front room and just as we were going Andy said, " Trampoline, don't suppose you want a trampoline do you?"
YES YES I DO , we NEEEEEEED one, 3 boys in big garden on trampoline for hours, Oh YES! So we have a 13ft trampoline ( and will buy an enclosure because as much as the idea is sort of appealing at times, I don't want the gits to jump too high and catapault over the fence into the bull field.) The trampoline belongs to Andy's daughter who is moving out herself on monday, so we agreed a price and we are now excited owners of a big blue bouncing machine. Jam on it.
I have to say that the English way of giving directions is the best, don't expect them to actually get you where you need to go but do look forward to being entertained, we still continue to ask people how to get there but honestly, I am pretty certain that when we do arrive at the place we intended to travel to, it's a happy accident.
Mandy gave me directions to get there,
"Head for Holsworthy but you don't want to actually go there, if you get to Holsworthy, don't worry, you can turn around and come back"
" You'll come to a really BIG hill, REALLY big, it's called something bridge" ( we never did get to any big hills)
When we were leaving Andy said
"we'll turn right and you turn left, you'll come to a crossroads, turning left will take you to Holsworthy"
" But we don't want to go there"
"Don't turn left then"
See? How great is that?
People will honestly and truly say things like
" Turn left, right? If you get to the Pig and Whistle, you've gone too far, turn around and go back"
Everything is marked by pubs..... look for the Horse and Hound, turn left...keep going til you pass the King's head.......no kidding, H gets as lost as me, no-one NO-ONE ever says NORTH or SOUTH, try it and watch the look of complete puzzlement. ...huh???
Today was a great day, I needed it because I have been finding it hard to breathe lately, my chest hurts and I thought I was on the verge of a heart attack, going out today and leaving everything behind made me forget I couldn't breathe and my chest hasn't hurt a bit......darned old panic attacks again, thank goodness.
Thank Heavens for days with jam on it. Sweet that's what they are.

For my Dan.

Daniel has my blog address, I sent the link to a ton of people with pics of our new house and sent it to Dan.....I didn't mean to because you all know, I don't want my kids to read my blog , he has been here though, haven't you my boy? He is loving looking at all the pictures and saving them so he has them on his laptop. He loves the little gits, who love him right back.
Dan, I know you said that there are WAY too many words on here for you to read, I sort of believe you because H shudders at the very thought of ever having to read the things I don't let out of my mouth, I could leave this blog printed out and propped up in front of his face and he would get himself a cricked neck trying to avoid having to read it, so maybe you are the same and you won't read my innermost thoughts.
If you do.....know that I love you, all of you, who you are and what you are and who you will be. You are, quite honestly the light of my life. My soul sings when I think of you, I grow taller when I talk about you. My life would be empty if I had never had you.
That's all.
I miss you and wish you would hurry up and come down here and find a job right here....so we could bring the gits to your house and hide and collapse in a weary heap while you entertain them for hours on end and make memories with them, they still talk about you looking after them while we went to London and still howl with laughter about how you told Sophie to go to her room when she was yelling and called her SOPHIE ALEXANDRA JEAN SMELLY BIG GOB YELLOW HAIR NAUGHTY GIRL STINKY FEET FAT BUM DIRTY TEETH WOBBLY LEGS...etc etc SURNAME, they think you are pretty much as perfect as it gets in a big brother. They would be right.
I love you my boy. Mum.

Man, that diplodocus.......

Did I even spell the right? This is on of Seth's many faces.....he loves to read, there is something so glorious about hearing this little man muttering as he reads......" Man, a diplodocus has a neck that is 10 metres long!" Even from behind you can see just how he loves to read, he drinks the words in. He has his father's ability to retain the information too, unlike his mother who can read a book and re-read it a week later and it's like the first time! I am so cheap to entertain, 2 books and I'm happy for a year, can read and re-read and enjoy them everytime.
I'm a bit vague at the moment, maybe that's the wrong word, who knows what the word is, I am weepy....perhaps with relief, maybe not. I keep thinking how this time next month, we will be moved, in the new house and settled, for a while.
I can hardly wait for those boys to be able to run and play and be OUTSIDE for many hours every day. Ebay is having me visit and look at trampolines and paddling pools, slides and swing sets.....I long to sit and read in the garden, hang my washing out to dry in the fresh country air, relax in a spa bath at the end of the day and have lovely days of visitors and friends who sit outside with us. the farmhouse behind has a big trampoline in the garden, imagine if there are little kids living there that can come over and play. Wonderful summer days ahead, we just have to get through this next 3 weeks of packing and form filling and cleaning.
This house is beginning to look emptier, 3 rooms cleared and packed,
I am desperate to scrub and clean but what would be the point, as H pointed out that will certainly mean redoing it before we leave...why put myself through that twice? I like the minimalist style of the moment, less to dust, less to pick up ( in theory , in practise...thankyou Elijah, as fast as we pack, little hands seem to find great joy in unpacking, tape is no object, in fact I think the tape attracts him. He is a git. A cute one, but a git none the less.
He is going through a phase at the moment that is lasting considerably longer than I am comfortable with. He is a 'dirlie'. Not a real one, a wanna be 'dirlie', with long flowing hair, a skirt and high heels. *sigh*
If he can't get hold is Sophie's extensions ( and he can't because I have hidden them give me a break) he wears a muslin nappy. All day, every day. He tucks superman capes into his boxers because it feels like a silky skirt and that feel good. Indeed. He asks Isaac to draw pictures of men in high heels because that means it is a good thing. I am shuddering as I write that because I check my google analytics and am horrified at what comes my way via search engines, you wouldn't believe how many creeps are sent here by googling 'little boys' ..someone came by the other day having googled "How do I look at rude stuff without my mum finding out" Oh my good heavens.
Creeps and perverts, I shall sing hymns very loudly and tell your mother you were here. Go away.
I quite like the nappy wearing hair, he swooshes it and strokes it and asks me to look after it with care and love while he goes to nursery. I even am touched by his ability to sniff out Sophie's shocking pink glittery high heels even when they are hidden and locked away.......I just hope he grows out of it before it stops looking cute and starts looking creepy. Creepy is never a good look, is it?
Isaac is going through a phase right now too, I hate it as he is pushing me to limits my patience didn't know existed. He is really driving me crazy. He teases and answers back and has massive temper tantrums, slamming doors, kicking, screaming 'til his head looks about ready to explode. I am pretty sure that the move is the cause, he says things like ' can we live in THIS house 'til I am dead?' and ' THIS house is ours, right? We can live there a long time can't we?' ACK! I hope so. I really hope so.

When the chips are down.......

I woke up at 8pm today, 4 missed calls on my phone..from Sophie. I called back and she was at the hospital, thankfully looking after a friend whose drink had been spiked. So easily could have been her and there isn't day goes by when I don't pray that angels will watch over her while she lives this life she is living.
I went to collect her and the friend, they both looked horrendous, both shaking with cold and lack of sleep, black rings around their eyes.
18.
Shouldn't this be the time of their lives? Shouldn't they have glowing skin and sparkling smiles? The friend had a termination a month or so ago...wouldn't you think that would have shocked her into a new way of thinking ? How do these kids' minds work? When they were in the car this is the conversation...
"So, how has this changed things then?"
"huh?"
"What happened?"
" E's drink got spiked, she was so freaked out, couldn't stand up, felt ill..."
"How did that happen E?"
"What d'you mean?"
"well, how did someone get to your drink? How can you make sure this won't happen again?"
" Keep hold of my drink"
"Did you not already know that? Will this change anything or will it be a cool story to tell your mates?"

I took Sophie over to Jordan's flat where I imagine she slept all day.
In the week since she left, while I have left her alone, she has decided to leave college and work full time, has secured a regular schedule at one of her jobs, has applied for extra hours at another one and has asked for some temporary work somewhere else. She understands that she is now responsible for herself. I can but hope that as she takes that responsibility she will begin to leave behind some of this risky stuff.
She kissed me as she left. I can't imagine what goes through her mind, I know what comes out of her mouth, though I can scarcely take it in sometimes.
The little boys astound me, they seem to wise, sad that Sophie has been used as a teaching 'tool' on how you can make yourself unhappy. They know that we love Sophie and that we always will, but the things she does are not things that we agree with. Just one week away, with no contact, with peaceful routine and just H and I with them, they noticed today after the 20 minute car ride how much Sophie swears. When we dropped her off, Seth looked at me and said
" Wow, Sophie really swears a lot doesn't she?" I suppose that when she was hear and they heard it day in day out they were immune, having a break has made them notice it more.
I feel a bit better knowing that when she needs me, she will still come to me. That will do for now.

I heard my husband sing.

This is part of the back garden, the fence on the left is the one that we hope keeps the bulls out! I also hope it keeps the Eli in. The land on the right of the fence is ours too, it has a little stream running though it, we may just use the fenced in part, H will decide that, as it is him that will have to cut all the overgrowth back and mow the grass!

This is at the front of the house, next to the garage. I think we will have a
barbecue area right here.

still at the front...oooh imagine the boys throwing the stones, what fun!! The house is to the right, garage and annex to the left.I can park right by the front door if it is raining, what a treat!



I love this kitchen I do, I will stroke it and clean it and it has a dishwasher and I will use it even if it makes H cry because he doesn't believe in them.


And our room with lovely doors and it will have our big comfy bed in it

It's very lovely isn't it!

Today, I heard H sing, he doesn't sing, except at church where he sings with gusto but not much melody, his heart sings like an angel because he means every word of every hymn, apart from that he doesn't sing. Today he was singing downstairs, he was singing because I packed Sophie's things.
That should be a sad thing really, but this man has been put through sheer hell for nearly 8 years, he has put up with it, sometimes not put up with it, had a heart attack during one spat, he has kept his mouth shut at times when a lesser man wouldn't have been able to. He has never ever told me what to do, he has yelled and nearly blown a gasket many a time.
When he saw that I had reached a limit and understanding when this has to be it, he sang because he knows that that chapter is over. I will still and always be involved and part of whatever she does and wherever she is, but she won't be here, daily making life difficult and unhappy for everyone, including herself.
She is safe, she is, I am told, making moves to live elsewhere.
I knew it was time to make it real, pack up her things and then let her know they are ready and I will take them to her, I went to see her today, saw her poker face, talked to her while she glared at me and managed very well not to weep until I got home.
I found letters under her bed that she wrote to me and didn't give me, I hope that's because even she isn't that mean....they were mean, really heart wrenchingly mean and if they were meant to hurt, they did their job, while I can accept her drunkenness and her rage, her sadness and misunderstanding, it still hurts.
I hope that she can be happy, that she can learn something. I hope that one day she believes that I love her, have always loved her and will always love her. I want to like her as well. Right now that is a tall order.

So then....

We've had a day of being stunned. yesterday was such a blur, unbelievable to us, at 4am H and I were still looking the pictures and then at each other and then at the wall and then shaking our heads and saying 'imagine'.
I am thrilled and excited and terrified and hey guess what, the cows in the field next to us aren't cows they are steers and a BULL, mean looking bugger too and the fence is a bit little and flimsy and easily climbable, worry number 1, "Eli", we keep saying, "what do BULLS do? If you climb in their field or throw toys at the them.. do they like it? " He replies with another question, like " tan I frow him a chip? Tan I frow shoes?" It could take a while to get the message across.
Also, white walls. Beautiful wood, posh things + 3 boys. Worry number 2.
The rest is all so glorious, we have no idea how long this one will last, it is on the market ( for £399.000, dear life!) but isn't selling, I hope it won't sell but if it does, landlady says she will pay our expenses and find us another house, and so on. We won't tell the council we have a place until we actually move, that way if they come through for us, well we will take that house and forego posh chalet type holiday home with white walls, garden of dreams and bulls next door for reality and security and little rent payments. All along I have said we will go for a council house unless a home is thrust in our faces and screams LIVE IN ME PLEASE, which is what happened yesterday.
I sort of wish you could have seen me when we arrived at that house, with its 10ft oak gates and gravel parking yard, when I saw that kitchen and realised that she was really saying we could live there.....I wanted to pee or pooh or weep or fall at her feet and kiss her lovely shoes. I think I just said thankyou a lot and made a sort of squeaky 'heh' noise every 9 seconds.
Mum has a house too, it is coming together, we are at the neck cracking, head thumping stage of knowing that it's all nearly OK, wishing we were 6 weeks ahead and settled and looking back at all this and laughing at it all.
Roll on summer. All that outside, all those lovely widows and fresh air ( and hopefully not too much bull pooh smell, although we might have become immune to all things Bullshitty.)
So, 4 weeks today we will be there in our splendid new residence. May it come quickly and may we be able to get things done here, without 3 little people undoing it as fast as we sit back and feel as if we have achieved something, bless them one and all.